No Name

No Name.......because I couldn't pick one.  Too much going on. 

Two years ago today it all started.  The single thing in my life that affected me more than anything else ever has.  No way to see any of it coming. Everyone thinks I'm sad or it is a hard day but it isn't at all.  Can't be sad or depressed when you don't want anything to do with it and it just doesn't matter.  She doesn't matter.  If I feel any random sadness it is because she doesn't matter not because of anything else. That's sad.  

This year I feel rich in some ways.  I've weeded out the people I don't need in my life and the ones that are left are bricks in my foundation.They're not going anywhere. They filled my Christmas with parties, presents, and their love and time.  

Love the changes I've made and am still making in my house.  So much so it seems harder to leave it.  I get too attached. 

I wonder do I have the strength and resilience to do this when I never would have doubted myself.  Now, that is what happens when you've been beat down and beat down. 

I just wonder what this time next year will be like.  

Turkey Day

Turkey Day used to be about a whole lot of cooking, mostly for one person.  Last turkey day was my first living a new life.  This is my second.  It is better than the first was.  Really haven't been sad about the past at all today.  

My friends in SC invited me to come this week and we were supposed to be getting a lot of work done fixing up the restaurant but it didn't really turn out that way.  Things just weren't that far alone for us to have fun with the setting up and decorating and things kept coming up every day that had to be dealt with.  

We had decided before I came that we were going to do something to honor Dee.  I still miss her every day but I miss her most on Saturday mornings because we talked every Saturday morning.  Talking about honoring her lead to tattoo talk so we picked and planned and researched and changed around until we had what we wanted that has great meaning to the two of us that are left.  So, I came with one tattoo and I'm leaving with two.  

Now, there is nothing like getting a tattoo to me.  It doesn't hurt even though people will tell you that.  I think I'm special because I feel the discomfort of it and I revel in it.  It has always been like the pain inside me coming out through the process of the discomfort which probably would be pain if I was the old me.  So, I sat in my chair with just my cami on and pulled down the strap, plugged my earbuds in, turned on Ill Mic (the reason the three of us met in the first place), and enjoyed every second of it.  It only took 15 minutes which wasn't long enough.  I listened to Beautiful first and thought about my first birthday party in my house after I moved in with Shon sang that song to me, Dee, and Karel.  How many people get their favorite song sang to them by their favorite singer for their birthday? Then Exodus came on and I started Beautiful again after that and not long into it, he was done.  I was a little teary eyed at the end.  I felt her there.  Karel and I started at the same time and finished at the same too.  Then we went to Rosie's and had shots of Patron for Dee too.  It was a Dee day.  We had more shots later.  Some songs just don't end up playing in a place that often and the song that came on later that night was one of those songs, yet it fit.  It was the song with great significance in our favorite book that I'd bought her awhile ago.  

Yesterday, we went to Charleston, which was nice.  Another memory of Dee.  Then a whole lot of traffic and stores and shopping for food for today.  

So, that's turkey day.  And I'm wondered what will next year be like?  I have no idea at all.  

Halloween Then and Now

It is a weird time.  What I'm finding out is that other than one situation I have to deal with every day, things are better than they were before with different people.  It is better to know who is truly on your side....who has your back or not.  Therefore, I had a better time last night than ever before. 

Five days until I get on a plane for LA.  I had the best time I ever have last summer in LA.  I look forward to a long weekend of fun again with my friends there.   I don't know what is better......the fun we will have or just being away from what I hate right now.  

Speaking of hate.....more pictures gone this week.  I love you and Happy Valentine's Day indeed.  FU
I hope somehow you know how I feel too. And it still leads to 100% of "I just don't care anymore." That's the way it is.  So try your best....it won't matter.  I'm over it.  

Goodbye is still MIA but that is good.  I don't want it.  

Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and NYE looks to be better than ever too. 

You still suffer when maybe I could have helped.  Your loss.

Yes, I REALLY did that

There's this new me you see.  She's a different one all right.  She thinks about doing things she never would have considered before.  She plans things she never would have done before and does them.....in the process of that right now and it feels damn good.  She does things she never would have done before.  The old me would have ignored the inconvenience and stood there and waited anyway even though it meant at least an extra thirty minutes when I'd already wasted thirty.  So, I didn't do it and I think about all that sitting there right now melting and ruining and I JUST DON'T CARE and it feels good not to care.  

The scary thing is it makes me just want to keep being what the old me would have considered callous, uncaring, and even mean and I still just don't care.  

Whoppers.....that would be what is in my candy dish I won. Constant reminder of someone I don't want to remember.  That's all.......

Goodbye

I know I say goodbye better than most do.  

Thoughts in words because I just don't think I can form the sentences:

how did I get here again
you??
unbelievable
misunderstood
disloyalty
fake
fucked up
pain
ending it
past doesn't matter
you can't make that one up
you can't fix it
saying I love you doesn't mean a damn thing sometimes

GOODBYE

Some Things I Know

Some Things I Know......

Unpacked my Halloween things this weekend.  

Every year someone used to give me a Halloween present but that won't happen this year.  Didn't matter though.  Sorority Tridistrict this weekend and I won the Halloween bowl full of candy I tried for.  So cute.  There's my Halloween present  Who needs you anyway?  Not me obviously!

Well, I woke from a dream this morning and it is the first one I've had that wasn't sad about family in months and months.  I don't even remember the last time I had a normal kind of dream except it wasn't anything I want to be dreaming about either.  Made me try again to help someone who needs it but won't listen......won't even make themselves available to listen.  That's it.  I'm done trying and please, please.....don't let me dream about that person again.  

Reiki today.....rainy day and during a full moon.  It flew by and I didn't really relax but I was open anyway to it.  Just like I thought....jealousy is a reason for it and there is constant talking behind my back.  So what.  You don't have what I have and you never will.  My protection put up a big wall around me today and my bracelets and my necklace had the energy built back up too.  

Less than a month until I go to California.  I'm so ready.  I intend to make the most of it.....every second of every minute I'm there.  

I can do this.  

Sometimes to love someone, you got to be a stranger

Profound words as I sat in the back on a mostly empty theater watching a movie just for the star in it.  A movie I didn't understand because it is part 2 of a series.  But....Ryan Gosling....you know!

One of the main characters said those words, "Sometimes to love someone, you got to be a stranger." and it was like they stabbed themselves into my heart and spread out into every little piece of it.  I'm not even sure what it means for me in every little way but it is big or I wouldn't have felt the way I did or react the way I did.  I cried and cried.

I sat there and thought of all the people I have loved and how many of them ended up not in my life yet I still have feelings for them.  Guess that is love.  Love as a stranger since we don't talk or anything.

Left me with the feeling why it wasn't enough.



Everyone has their breaking point and I might have reached mine today.  I would have to know the most annoying, critical, ridiculous person ever.  I can't take it anymore.  I'm going to snap at this person or either I'm going to manipulate things to ram my point home.......exactly what a critical, know it all, who thinks they're better than everyone else person you are.  I like manipulative personally and if I wasn't surprised and taken off guard every time they act like a major bitch, I have it all worked out exactly what I'd say and do.  But now I am going to expect it from the bitch.  She should watch out now.  It is on.

Let's Talk about the Past for a Minute

Grocery shopping today and I knew these would be in the store.  October is here.  These were always my favorite.  All of the holiday Reese's were because they have more peanut butter than chocolate and they taste fresh because they were made just for the holiday. Now I don't do sugar anymore since I'm a diabetic but I let myself have one of these.....old times sake and all that.  These were my dad's favorite too.  One of my favorite memories of my dad is sitting out on our front porch on Halloween waiting for trick or treaters and eating these almost nonstop and just talking.  It might even be THE memory of my dad I would choose to relive if I got to pick one. 

Today when I saw them in the store, I went to text my friend to tell her like I do every single year but I can't.  She chose not to be there anymore in my life and I still don't know why.  I hope she sees them too today or soon and she thinks of that too and exactly what she lost.  

Compassion can earn you some bad times.  So can being too nice.  Yet I still keep making that mistake even though I try to keep distance, not be friendly, and above all else...no trust.  However, I can't because it isn't being myself.  The person I am is social and likes to be nice, funny, and do things for others. I keep regretting it though and vowing to put that wall up and leave it.  I really really need to do that with the last person to take all that niceness and repay it with uncalled for behavior.  Starting tomorrow??

So, I'm cleaning things out, packing things up, doing a lot of throwing stuff away, etc. to get ready to move.  I like it.....cleaning out and the dream getting closer.  Believing in myself that I can and will do it.  

During this process I found this picture of my mom and someone I used to care for.....someone I might always care for a little bit.  I don't care for my mom anymore....I don't love her anymore.....I even am glad that she's not around so I don't have to deal with not wanting anything to do with her anymore. 

This other person I feel for because they got a rough deal of the cards at a young age.  It affected them and it still does.  I've always seen the person they could be but they never have and they definitely won't let anyone convince them of this.  They run and run and run and push you away so they can run some more.  I only wanted to say to them that I am going away and when I do every little thing is going in the past and I'm not taking it with me.  I wanted to say that I believe in them....I always did.  I wanted to say other things too but that mostly I hoped they could get over their past.  I got through and over mine, they could too.  Maybe it would mean nothing to them.  But they wouldn't let me say it.  One more thing I just don't understand but need to stay away from anyway. 

The Other Kind of Dreams

I've had this wish or desire......call it what you want for 17 years now.  Every year that went by I still wanted it but things got in the way.  And me being the person I am could not have my desire due to having to be the person I am who would do anything for someone I loved......even when they haven't loved me back.  But almost two years ago the ONLY thing standing in my way was taken away.....out of my life forever.  So, it took me some time to realize that the path to my desire....my dream was free and clear finally.  I wish more than anything I'd realized that right away.  If I had, I would have just left down that path and I would have been living my dream the past year plus some. 

But there was another path I had to take first I guess.  When I look back I see that I had to take that path even though it was so hard to do.  Brought about a lot of regrets but I can't change anything now. Saying you did the best you could and you did love me doesn't mean anything when I have a list of things you did to me and some of them I can't even tell to anyone because they are unimaginable. I had to deal with that first I guess.  I had to deal with the hurt, then the anger, then the hatred, and finally the letting go.  I don't love you anymore and I haven't in a long time.  I wouldn't be that good little girl who did the right thing now if I were in the exact situation I was in two years ago with you.  You made me into someone I wasn't anyway.....a bad person with your lies and stories just because I tried to do the best thing for you all the time and I had to have some respect for myself and my life as an adult.  I might as well be who you lied and said I was. I wish I had known then what I knew now. All the while, the other one, who has turned out to be most heartless and cruel person ever, only had good things said about them.  They could do no wrong ever. So, if it was two years ago the other one could do it ALL.  Which means nothing would have ever gotten done and you would have been like all those others I felt so bad for and vowed you never would be.  You see, I loved you and I thought you loved me too.  I was wrong and I see that now.  What you gave wasn't love and it doesn't matter if you think it was or not.  That isn't love.  

So, back to my desire.....my dream.  I made the decision and I've been preparing for it.  When I get uncertain, life shows me I'm not wrong for going down that path.  I'm free and I'd be stupid to stay where I hate and I'm unhappy and believe me that is indeed here. I hate what this place and the people here do to me and there is no reason to stay other than my stupid sentimental heart that always has a hard time saying goodbye to people, places, and things on a regular basis. That isn't enough.  I'm not staying miserable because of that side of me.  

It is kind of exciting thinking of what my future will indeed be like. Having your dream finally can be a lot of things....scary and exciting are just two.  So, here I go....keep doing what I do and counting down the days.  My dream and I'm making it happen.....

Dreams

Dreams.....

I'm over them.  Can't say what I want to who I want. Have to constantly live with the pictures and the memories.  So, all these things put themselves in my dreams.  Not nightmares but bad dreams because how could that be good.  But in my dream I say what I want to say.  Too bad I can't say it to you because believe me, I would.  Maybe that would be a bad idea, maybe a good one.  So instead, I wake up and my well-being.....my peace of mind is altered and I fight so hard for it not to be.  That feeling of hate I'd banished comes back.  Those feelings of revenge through your own fate, destiny, karma come back.  I start wishing again exactly what I'd like to happen. I'm impatient.  I want it now and I want to know about it.

And I wonder.......will it always be this way??

Will I always feel this way? 

I might could move on....I think I have moved on when here comes a dream again.  

I'll be glad to move away and I hope and pray it stays here when I leave.  Otherwise, I really was just running away instead of just going where I wanted to go.  

I hate this really. 

I Know You Wonder

I Know You Wonder

Not long after I post two pictures with cryptic captions that the ones who truly care and stay in my life on a daily basis would understand, my phone rings.  The fishing expedition begins.  They know something is up but you know what......you haven't talked to me in over a year so yeah, you don't know and you won't even ask. You'll ask how I am and I will give the truthful answer too.....things are GREAT! Finally.  So the phone call ends after some random catching up the way it always does...."I'd love to see you." and yeah I'm thinking "Invite me next time you INVITE everyone else but me."  I even say it like I always do but I know you won't.  LOL
Once again I'm left wondering if when I do leave if I should leave no way for anyone who I was ever an after thought to ever get in touch with me again.  One even suggested a name change and absolutely NO contact.  Telling the ones who have cared and stayed not to tell anyone where I went.  We will see.  That longing to be completely free......so free no one will ever find you again is still there.  Something to think about while I wait for my dream to come true.  Less than a year is a weird thought.  I guess I'm over the "I can't do this." thought and I've moved on to getting ready for it because it is happening.  I'm not giving it up!

So It Continues

I came back from two months of bliss, kindness, caring, love, and happiness.  Then you wait to see.....will it last or are the bad things that tormented me here going to take control again? Glad to say they haven't despite some of them trying.  But I hang on and I fight and so things stay good.....they stay great.  Part of it is the people you let in. And that luck....that luck keeps on coming.

She says to me, "I was always jealous of you for that....can we go?" and she makes my life once again. So we plan it and it is done.  I get what I was going to miss so bad this year anyway.  The amazing thing is I KNOW I will have a better time than I would have the old way.  I know........

Then two tickets come into my life that make my birthday.  They take me back to California for a few days.....letting me see probably my favorite person musically ever who writes his songs for me even if he doesn't know it.  They take me back to that carefree summer with my friends who love me.  I look forward to it so much.  Who knows what adventures await there.  Hard to top last time but who knows.

Laughter.......my therapist (who I'm not sure at all I need to be seeing anymore but I still go because she is like a best friend now) and I laughed so hard this week at something that happened that we had Ryan dying laughing at us.  We acted like silly crazies and it was so funny until I pulled my leg muscle again running away from Ryan.  I need those guys to be my friends.

My favorite obsession is over for 10 months but this week was over the top.  Such emotion in one scene and such shock in another.  Don't know how I'll live without it for 10 months.

So......things stay great.  And with me always stays my future.....the peace of this that waits for me, beckons me, and promises happiness forever.  Less than a year until it is mine 24/7, always, forever, never to be just a place I go but my home.  It just doesn't get better than that.

The Wall

So, there is this wall that seems to be a product of those two months away from my life that has showed up since the most incredible summer ever.  Someone told me last night when we were out at the movies (oh my, a date) that there were two layers to me.  I personally think there are more than two but I see what he was saying.  That first layer is the layer that is "nice" and that even makes me appear shy or quiet even though I'm anything but that. The second layer is so multi-faceted with twists and turns that no one could even imagine.   Now I know these things but having someone else see that in you is different and that always was the dream you know......someone really seeing you for who you are.

That wall is there and I like it because it is protecting all the happiness I have right now.  I'm not giving that up ever again for anyone so the wall stays forever.  There is going to be very few that make it through that wall and it will be as I see fit on a need to basis.  They won't stay.  It guards my happiness and my heart and I'm never sacrificing those things for anyone else ever again.  They can be a spectator. I will never go back to that place of sadness, despair, depression, and anger again.  Does it change the past?  No, but it sure does put the past in its place......up on a high shelf to stay with the door to that room  closed and locked.  Certain people stay behind that door locked up too.  So far I've only had two to even notice they were not where they used to be and work to get back to me instead of being locked in that room.  So, I wait.  Maybe these others will come around and maybe not except now there is that wall without the anger.  I truly and finally learned not to care anymore and when things seem stressful I've noticed my reaction is different.  Now all I think is "Oh well, things work out anyway and you don't stay stuck in the same place.....things move on and resolve themselves so why stress and worry?"

There was a time when I would have been there unconditionally and 100% no matter what.  That person is gone for two reasons.  My happiness is more important than sacrificing it for anything or anyone.  Then because you never get that type of loyalty back from anyone.

You may be fragile and wallow in this broken person you think you are.  Not me.  I'm better and stronger than that.  I don't even want to be there for anyone like that anymore.  I don't want to "save them" anymore.  I just want to be strong and happy and living my life.  

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS

The Luckiest Girl in the World Came Back

I sit here with two months gone by so quickly it makes your head spin and I think about the person I was at the beginning of the two months and the person I am now.  The luckiest girl in the world is back.  That girl who believes in hope, making anything happen, the future, and that no one will ever have it as good as her simply because she doesn't give up.  I fight for what I want until it is mine.  The best and most unexpected things just drop in my lap.  It is like someone is giving me things I either wanted and never thought I'd have ever or never even thought about wanting yet there these amazing things are.

Now I have to fight for her.  She came back when she's been so lost the past two years that I thought she'd never be back.

It is interesting what it took to bring her back.  Love from the right people.  Unconditional.  People who didn't see the facade for the world to see to protect the real person at all costs.  All those others.......People who didn't see the person so many seem to not need. People who have no need for you unless you go neatly in that box they want you to be in so you are there for their use when they want you.  People who only saw the real person that they'd always known and didn't mind the changes.  Oh well, your loss.  I'm truly blessed to have those "right people" and they more than make up for all the others.

Then it took two months of the most amazing experiences and things just happening to remind of the way it used to be and mostly to bring back the knowledge that it could still happen.  It wasn't gone.

So, here is a whirlwind view of some of the things that brought that girl back.

Waiting on a plane to Australia.....a full plane except for the two seats next to me so I got to lay down and sleep the whole way.  Call it my personal first class.

Spoiled by Damion with a great lunch of fresh calamari he made and a salad. Catching up with my friends I haven't seen in two years in Melbourne.

Second day there and the sunset over that beautiful ocean that surrounds Australia.

The beach trip to this amazing house in Robe......exploring the biggest sinkhole turned into a garden, hiking on the cliffs and just sitting on the cliffs looking out at that beautiful ocean, feeding sharks and barramundi and other fish at the aquarium, cutest little tea room ever with a beautiful book that came home with me, the stores and pubs and playgrounds, and the underground cave.

A few days of laundry and then packing again to fly to a place I'd always wanted to go but never dreamed I would.  What an amazing place it turned out to be.  Tasmania......high tea three days in a row, the market, the shops, that ocean, the marina, our amazing hotel with hotel breakfast of course, seafood restaurants, and so much other stuff.

Back to Melbourne and Codrington and the farm for a few days.....shopping, tea in our favorite pub, just hanging out.  Sunset & animals.

 That's MY rock behind me.  I claimed it the first time I saw it years ago when I first went to the farm in Codrington, Australia. I want to sit on that rock with the ocean crashing all around me and feeling the water every time it splashes against the rock.  But I watch it from afar every time I go and just think about it.

When I think about Australia, I think about the wide open spaces and the horizon.   It is beautiful to see this panoramic view of the space you are in which means you see the sunset in ways you've never seen it before.  If you're lucky then you are in the right place at the right time and you capture that sunset.  And yes, it is always beautiful like that. 

So many more memories......finding the book out of print I've been looking for in a little hole in the wall bookstore in Hobart, Tasmania.  The drive to Ararat for the lunatic asylum tour.  No Sugar Cokes.  Salsas. So much else.  

Then it is time to leave and I'm off to LA to visit my friends there for a few days.  LA really means Burbank.  Movie studios.  Sometimes the beach at the pier.  In N Out. Hollywood Forever Cemetery...... my favorite cemetery ever where Chris Cornell just was buried in May.  

That person was back.  The one who makes what she wants happen and she wasn't going anywhere.  I'd rather do what I want and try and get called out on it sometimes than regret that you did what was "right" all the time and followed the rules.  That's boring and it doesn't make your life the way you want it to be at all.  So, that's me after crawling under the chain barricades to sit by Chris Cornell's grave because that's the picture I wanted.  

Then you have this idea and you think how amazing and crazy it would be if it actually came true.  It isn't something you can make happen but it is something that could fall into your lap just because of who you are and who you know that you've never turned your back on.....who you know that you are always yourself with.....the person who always and only wants to do the nicest and kindest things for the people you care about.  In return and when you least expect it, they do something so amazing for you.....something that you would never even think could happen because it shouldn't.  You can't make it happen but your friend can.  So this happens.......

I have to be super quiet and secretive about this one because I shouldn't have been where I was and never in a million years would I even have considered I would be there.  This is that thing that falls into your lap....something someone does for you out of 100% kindness and caring because that's the relationship you have.  Someone got me some place no one is allowed and made a dream you don't even dream because it is too out there happen.  This is the best thing to ever happen to me ever to be there.  I have a zillion pics and videos and security just loved me.  I was too excited.  I was told I squealed and was the "cutest thing ever" because I was that excited.  That's all I can say about that except I was also privy to a huge secret there that day too.  I'll probably never be that excited about anything again.

This picture is same place, different part.  Shouldn't be there and this one anyone should recognize.  We were going to get in the fountain and splash water at each other but others were around. Hint hint. I was trying to remember that it was a special thing that I was allowed here.  Everyone knows this fountain and the background.  

That's how the luckiest girl in the world came back. 

Funny but not funny....

So, here I am on vacation in my favorite place.  Last night I went out to my favorite beach bar/restaurant and haven't been sitting at the bar long at all till this guy and girl come along and sit next to me.  They introduce themselves and then the guy asks me if I'm empathic.  So we talk about that and did a lot of sharing about that and other "gifts".  Things are fine but the longer we sit and talk the more I really pay attention to the subtle signs of who these people really are. Don't get me wrong....they were nice people and probably the situation was just innocent and it was what it was. But then there is the paranoid side of me that gets into the "what ifs".  The little signs they sent or things they would say that I could read other things into gave them away about some things about their lives that aren't just out there for everyone to see.  Towards the end of the conversation before they had to leave I had this thought.  What if these two were out for what they can get from anyone. It was obvious they weren't exactly career oriented people.  Then the thought came.......who would notice me missing first if I was stupid enough to leave a public place with these people and they were crazies. It isn't funny but then it kind of was because the little "what if" paranoid side of me will probably never go away.  I can imagine all kinds of things that never even happen.

That's the sad part....I don't know who would notice me missing.  It isn't like anyone is checking up on me.  I don't have anyone to call every night before I go to bed anymore to check in with.  All the other people I would call or text on a regular basis aren't in the picture either.  Who would notice and how long would it take if something did happen to me?? Would I be that Jane Doe in a different place no one knows if something did happen?  There are people who should know I'm here that don't. Weird thoughts.....

The great thing is tonight's sunset was gorgeous and going and sitting out on the beach and watching it made the sadness go away.  Sadness I can't escape from. Time will handle that but the hole will always be there.

RIP Goober

Life seems to be about getting up and actually feeling like you're getting used to the new normal and then you get knocked right back down again.  I'm not going to understand this one.  I still don't even believe it half the time.

RIP my best friend and I hope the things that pushed you over the edge are gone.  I hope there are no regrets.  I hope to see you again some day.  We were making plans and maybe I need to do the last thing we laughed about doing together for you.....just by myself.  Maybe you will be there right beside me enjoying it too and just maybe I'll feel your presence there with me.

I have to say thank you for teaching me a lesson I needed to learn. Forgiveness.

This is for you....

The Ballad of Jayne

LA Guns

She was always something special
A diamond shining bright in the rain
Everybody dreams of angels
No one will ever know
How much I loved you so

Now it all seems funny
Kinda like a dream
Things ain't always what they seem
What a shame
What happened to Jayne

You were always on my mind
Childlike summer days in the sun
Slowly wishes turn to sadness
Time don't heal a broken gun
I wish I'd never let you go
Hear me now 'cause I want you to know

That it all seems funny
Kinda like a dream
Things ain't always what they seem
What a shame
What happened to Jayne

Now she's breakin' hearts in heaven
Shining bright in the sky
I still hear her voice in the wind
I still think of you in the night, oh yeah
Well, I guess she'll never know
How much I need her so

Now it all seems funny
Kinda like a dream
Things ain't always what they seem
What a shame
What a shame
What happened to Jayne

Now it all seems funny
Kinda like a dream
Things ain't always what they seem
What a shame
What happened to Jayne
What happened to Jayne

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good is the one that is hardest to remember is actually there in a time when it is definitely habit to not even feel the good.  Sad thing that is....not to be able to even FEEL when something is good because things have even been so bad for so long, there are things that bring me to the ground with the heartbreak of them and I suspect always will, and day after day there is the constant unexpected treatment you just don't expect. You think people see but they don't.  Misunderstandings or their own alternative reality as someone said to me this week.  Who knows?  I could live without that last one for sure.  The first two I know will always be there and I'm too used to them.  Behind it all is that sadness that any new situation will just be like the old ones but you hope and trust anyway.  I don't understand seems to be my mantra.  I don't think I ever will.  

But there are things I know that make me stronger than ever.  Things I've seen come to the forefront that I didn't even know could ever.  
1. I've learned what it is truly like not to obsess over something unless you're planning on the best way to deal with it. 
2. I've learned truly not to care......what matters and what doesn't.  
3. I've learned to stop waiting and to make what I want happen.
4. I've learned what it really means to be alone and how good that can be.  
5. I've learned being alone doesn't mean there are things you can't do.  
6. I've learned to leave things alone. 

The bad........and it is ugly too........
When it comes down to it there is a story here that goes back a whole lot of years.  When you've lived the story and survived the story and you're still enjoying the things you always have while finding new things to love, then you realize none of it destroyed you.  That's why no one will ever win.  I win.  I always will.  Take your best shot.  Try your best.  It doesn't matter.  You don't matter. 

This one week involved getting front row tickets to my favorite band, my new phone, my tax return, finding out I didn't owe a single penny on my inheritance, my favorite tv show coming out on dvd, seeing the karma someone experienced that I knew they needed, and something it seems like I'm forgetting.  

Then there is the person who tried to do their worst.  But they don't get it.  There isn't a thing they could possibly do to me that even matters.  I've learned to play the game and I play it better than anyone else.  You'll regret going up against me every time....that I can promise you.  I could give you a list of those to talk to that have tried it before......see what happened to them.  :)

Manipulative much? You might see it that way.  

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I really thought I'd never get to the place where I moved on to a better place ever.  It just seemed to get worse and worse.  As painful as it can be, moving in the right direction, even if it is very hard is the thing to do.  January wasn't good.  Then I faced a lot of things I'd shoved deep down inside.....some of them for the first time ever.  I also made a change or am in the process of making it.  It is a big one too.  Immediately I felt better.  I saw that light at the end of the tunnel....finally.  I didn't think it was there.  I really didn't.  I don't know how I could have felt worse since December of 2015.  I really don't.  

Now, this change and facing up to some things have made the biggest difference ever.  Yet, one thing continues.  The weeding out of the bad situations and people not for me.  Sometimes it hurts because it is people you always thought would be there.  You never once considered they'd lie or make excuses for their actions or stop being there for you when they knew you were struggling.  But people are selfish.  It is a weird thing considering how much I've done for them lately or all together but whatever.  I'm going to survive no matter what and I'm still celebrating the two good things happening right now.  I am.  No one can take that from me.  I choose happy.  

The End of the Innocence

A long time ago when I was in my early twenties, someone played The End of the Innocence for me and said that was like what his life was like. He'd had something happen to him that had ended his innocence.  Funny thing is the same thing had happened to me.....twice yet I didn't feel that way.  I kept my hope and faith.  My whole life I've kept it even when it would have been easier to give into it and give up.

Until now....seems things have just kept spiraling until they are in a totally new place these days. It has been a few months coming. I know what started it. Last week something made me get a little bit too in touch with my feelings coming from this one thing.  Then Sunday night I sat in the Don Henley concert which was amazing and he played The End of the Innocence.  Finally I got it.  I don't know if you'd call it innocence or not.  It is more like a life belief that you just can't believe anymore.

So Monday I finally admitted all this to my therapist.  She already knew about the anger that had come out a few months ago.  But the realization has been that if what happened really happened and it really did and it is probably even worse than I even know.  Because I don't know.  That's the thing, I don't know and I never will.  I still ask her "Why did she do that?".  I can't understand it.  I did my best.  I went above and beyond.  I was there every day.  No one else was.  Yet it wasn't enough obviously or she wouldn't have done what she did and worse because I know there are things I don't know.  Then there is the total cost of her actions.  It really is unbelievable and I can't even ask her or have a conversation with her.  Almost like my life has always been about being misunderstood but you don't expect it from anyone you thought really knew YOU.

I think back over my whole life way back to the first memory I ever had.  For things to be the way they are today, then my whole life had to be one big lie.  All the things I thought aren't true. Maybe K will work some sort of magic and make me see this isn't the case but the more I think about it, the more I see all the reasons it is the truth.  It truly was the end of the innocence to loose everything you ever believed about your life.  Then you're left with wondering how you could really be that oblivious or trusting and how awful it is that you were so trusting and happy believing what you believed and now it turns out it was all in your head.  Worse is that there were warning signs everywhere and you ignored them because of love.  So you give it up.  I don't want it back anymore....how can you miss something that wasn't even real?  How can you want it back when it really was nothing special the way you thought it was?

Now it is time to move on. It is time to be what I want to be, who I want to be, and where I want to be. The majority of memories will just haunt me.  The ones I know were true with the one person not like the others, I will still think of and be glad they happened but that is it for the rest of it.  Getting there is going to be a struggle along with just letting it go.

I really hope I can resolve this in some way, move past it, get over the anger, get over the hurt, and be where I should be with who I'm suppose to be with and doing what is truly me.

I kind of wish I could tell that person that I get it finally.......I get what the end of the innocence is. But that is over too.........