Circles, obsessions, ghost.........

The only time I ever had the burning need to write on an airplane was during the IM time when my life was all about those friends.  I'd just met Kevin but that's all I remember.  I have no idea what I even wrote except I named it Circles and it was the way life circles back around but I don't know what was going on to make that hit me enough to write about it.  I wrote it on little pieces of paper like from a tiny notepad.  Wish I knew where those were.  I'd like to read that.  

I'm wired tonight.....we just got home.....ghost tour #2 for the week and then mexican and nonstop talking till we got kicked out.  

Ghost tour #1 was Thursday night.  Rainy night off and on.  Wet hair and windy too.  Parked where I always do when I'm going to the place the ghost tour was at.  Walked uphill two blocks and across four-five blocks along Peachtree Street to get to the only place I ever eat at downtown.  The walk where I was going seems to take so long but the walk back goes by so fast.  As I walked back I thought about how much I love walking downtown on days like that.  Windy, grey, sometimes a little rainy.  Those days suit my mood better that sunny & pretty when I'm at home.  

As I walked along in my city and looked at the buildings along the way I was thinking about those circles I wrote about.  There is a freedom in that walk.  I've decided now those circles aren't how I used to think they were. Now they're more like interlocked circles like the Olympic circles look and there are many of them all locked together in their separate circle but life lets you curve into the one it is locked with.  That connecting point is where one part of your life parallels into another part.  A couple of weeks ago, I guess, along comes a pretty big thing from my past.  A little shocking at first and then you see the paths it could go all because of the circles from that time in my life.  The circle I'm in now is going to curve back into that one in about three or so weeks and I'm excited about it and full of wonder of the possibilities.  

Seems like the circle I'm in right now very much sucks.  But that old circle....I'd take those times back.  Too bad some of the people in that circle can't still be found there.  Can't find them anywhere now.  What's that circle going to be like being the person I am now?  It has been almost 8 years.  It can't be the same.  But it might be different but it will be at least as good as it was then if not better.  

Made the decision 2-3 weeks ago that I was done giving my weekends and some of my weeknights to that place I have to be every weekday.  Been a busy, crazy, fun time since then.  

I can always laugh at myself about some of the situations I get myself into.  You know those situations where you get a few minutes into them and you wonder what the hell were you thinking? I agreed to go horseback riding last Sunday in Blue Ridge.  I started out wondering if I was even going to survive the 1 1/2 hours we would be out on the trail.  I'm quite sure my saddle wasn't tight enough because I felt like it kept slipping to one side.  My horse knew who the boss was and it wasn't me.  She did everything the guide told us not to let our horses do even though I did what I was supposed to do to keep her from it.  She'd bite whole little trees off and munch on them as we went along and every time she meandered a little off the path to get her snack, she'd knock my foot out of the stirrup.  The last time I couldn't get it back in and it was right before the main downhill part that was supposed to be the most challenging so I had to tell the guide who then got off her horse to help which promptly left the group and went on downhill by itself.  When my horse wasn't finding trees to snack on, she was trying to bite the butt of the horse in front of us which we were told not to let them do because that would lead to two horses fighting on this tiny trail with a ravine on at least one side going down deep.  The amusing situations I end up in.  Needless to say my horse and I were very much ready to get away from each other at the end.  I think all of my friends riding that day were in a mood after that because we ended up in the closest bar doing shots afterwards. 

Still on my kick of either Octane, Ozzy's Boneyard, or that Hair Band channel on XM.  Coming home tonight flipping stations and there's this song coming on Octane (I think). The name caught my attention....Badflower and the song was Ghost.  The second those first words came out through the speakers, I was hooked and every word was beautiful in the way the singer sounded and in the lyrics he was singing.  The song just kept building.  That version and the acoustic version are now downloaded.  Tickets to their show in 6 weeks have now been bought.  Videos have been watched.  Interviews about that song have been read.  I have a new obsession and it is no surprise it concerns music.  Guess it just fits where I'm at right now trying to understand with a little of the truth coming out of how it is making me feel to be going through this. Things you can only whisper when you say them out loud because you feel like you shouldn't even say them and you're afraid of the truth of them. I'm told I was the light and she was being buried by her feelings and she'll never let me be where she was or went. I understand the feeling of being buried by your feelings.  

Love what the lead singer said about this song....

This song is about self harming and suicide. The writer cuts even deeper as the song goes and he calls them all failed attempts. He claims that he was waiting for someone to help him and how he gave up in life. He thinks that all those failed attempts were because he had a reason to stay alive but eventually he makes a “deep cut” and stops his heart and, as he says, he is ready to start again in another life.

“We actually didn’t choose it as the single, the label did. I was terrified for that song to come out as the first single, just because the content is so heavy. It could’ve gone so many different ways. Even though for me I was writing from a place of truth, When it was written I had just gotten off tour, and I spent the entire tour having panic attacks on stage every night. It was just something that came out of nowhere for reasons that only my therapist can tell you. When that happened, I got home and it was a traumatic experience having to deal with that every single night and I was in a really low place. I was depressed and thinking about self-harm. So I just wrote it. I played out the whole scenario and put it into a song because that’s what writers do, I suppose. I didn’t even know if it was gonna go on the album. I was sorta hesitant to even show it to the rest of my band, But everyone heard it and loved it, and said it might actually be a positive thing to put out in the world. So we did, and it turned out that I was wrong in my skepticism because it was a positive thing.” -Josh Katz

Ghost

I tried it once before but I didn't get too far
I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart
And all I really wanted was someone to give a little fuck
But I waited there forever and nobody even looked up

I tried it once before and I think I mighta messed up
I struggled with the veins and I guess I didn't bleed enough
But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die
But nothing very special ever happens in my life

[Chorus]
Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be

I tried it like before and this time I made a deep cut
I thought about my friends and the way I didn't give enough
And I shoulda told my mother 'mom, I love you', like a good son
But this life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one

[Chorus]
Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be, yeah

I tried it once again and I think I might black out
I shoulda left a letter but I had nothing to write about
My blood is all around me, I get dizzy if I stand up
The cutting part was easy but regretting it is so fucked

[Chorus]
Yeah, take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be

I tried it once again and I think I went too far
(The man that I was meant to be)
I cut a little deeper and the pressure stopped my heart
(The man that I was meant to be)
I couldn't tell my mother that I love her, I'm a bad son
This life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one

Ghost

What makes you feel most like yourself?

It is that time.....my time of year.  October is my favorite month and then along comes November, my birthday month.  

So, I'm feeling like the person I am all because of.....

Black fingernails and toes courtesy of the best nail techs ever (only been seeing these girls since I was in my 20's). Black for October....that's me all the way.  Actually, I do black all winter long.  

That's all except Elijah has always done his Song Fo The Day (as he calls it). His are always some songs I've certainly never heard, old, bluesy most the time, and always have to have that tinge of sadness or melancholy to them.  That's him.  Doesn't matter that he's written some of my favorite songs ever and they are not like that.  Although, these days he's writing the sad songs.  Life gets you like that sometimes.  But then if it didn't we wouldn't understand each other so well.  

So, here is my song for the day........

Hang

She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years
To feel this old

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'til it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone
He knows, she's been here too few years to be gone

And we always say, it would be good to go away someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see it at all 'til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang
The same for you
I'll always hang

Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

Addendum......
Why the hell did I even look?? 
Why the hell do I even look??

House of Broken Love

No rhyme or reason to that title.  I've just been so into my hair bands lately.  It is all I listen to and it came on XM Radio just now driving home. 

Sorority Meeting #2 of the calendar year tonight.  It was my team's time to bring the dinner.  Taco Night it was.....we stole that one this time.  

It was just not right not going to pick up Lisa and drive her to the meeting. Yes, I got a little teary-eyed when I left without going by her house to get her first.  

Got a lot of hugs since I had skipped the last meeting when they did the memorial for her.  Melinda came tonight too....she skipped last meeting too for the same reason.  Some asked about if I knew why and I'm just keeping that private....that is what Tracy wants and I've already been around the block once with the gossipy people about her death.  

But it was so very very good being back with my sorority sisters like something was right again in my world and I certainly know how wrong things have been the past few months.  It is like a family.  

Marcia & I are the Ways & Means Committee Chairs without Lisa this year.  Tri-district is Saturday.  I'll really miss her there.  Hell, I miss her all the time anyway.  

It really sucks that there are so many people in the world that are worthless to this world...they put no good into the world at all.  It sucks that now that I've seen so many people's true colors the past almost three years there just aren't that many people I have/had in my life I still want there yet someone like Lisa who was kind, sassy, caring, sarcastic, fun, and so good at listening and saying the right thing is gone. There all those worthless people walk around while she is no longer here.  I think about her life.  She had known her husband since she was fourteen...gotten married right out of high school and neither one of them ever even thought of anyone else.  So many of the people I watch today in this world just don't value the sanctity of marriage at all.  Why would you even get married if you had no intention of being faithful?  Stay single.....keep on relationship hopping then. The worst ones are the ones that go on and on about how their spouse is the love of their life yet five minutes later, they're all into working on cheating on the love of their life.  WTH?????  Oh yeah, and I hate the ones that blame their spouse for it.  Sorry buddy, it was all you and your decision to cheat.  Actually,  I know exactly what it is because I've had the unfortunate luck to know a few of those "men".  One clued me in on it one night.....I just asked and he told me.  They can't be alone at all and hopping from one relationship to another doesn't give them what they need.  They aren't guaranteed to always have that girl there beside them when they don't commit to anyone.  So, he tells me he had to commit even though he never intends on being faithful to his then girlfriend and now wife because he can't be alone ever.  It isn't about love.  I have no doubt that he loves his wife but it doesn't stop him from cheating.  She's just there for him 24/7 so he never feels alone. Yet, he still lives the single life hooking up whenever he wants. Whatever.......

I guess someone else sitting in "her" seat beside me at the meeting tonight was odd but most of all was driving home without her in the passenger seat and not having to take her by her house.  

I can still hear her say, "Well Cindy.... now you know........." with her sarcastic way when we'd be going on about something that happened that was unbelievable.  I felt like she was there with me tonight in the car.  Her presence was very much felt.  

Love and miss you Lisa.....always.  Just a year ago we were getting all ready for Tri-District never once thinking that this time this year you wouldn't be here and why is just so unbelievable to me still.  Still like some nightmare.  I don't want her to be someone just forgotten.

Creepy Places

Creepy Places.......

I follow this group called Creepy Places.....even post on it from time to time.  Some guy posted a picture of a house down in the south west corner of the state I live in and the first thing I noticed about the disrepair of it was the roof.  The roof always seems to be the first to go unless we're talking relationships.  Then the foundation is the first to go.  

What's funny about houses that go into disrepair is that if someone had been living in the house all along it wouldn't have.  Why is that?  I mean I live in my house but it isn't hard to see that me living here isn't what keeps it habitable.  So, what is it?  The elements? I don't know after some of the uninhabited buildings I've poked around in

One thought always leads to another.  There used to be this house that someone lived in that I used to know.  Used to tell me about the nights of climbing out on that roof and watching the stars.  I used to want to be asked to go out there one night and watch those stars too with him but I never got asked. Now, a few short years ago I drove by that house and I see that roof where all the star-gazing happened is now indeed falling in and looks like no one has lived there for quite some time.  Hey, but I did have one moment there that doesn't leave me that was like some dream I didn't know I wanted that happened. 

The point is next my mind goes to SC probably because I was talking to my friend there making some plans.  Exciting plans for the uninhabitable run down places there we explore and always have a creepy, eerie, and sometimes scary time at. 

I Had to Run Away High So I Wouldn't Come Home Low

Kudos to you if you know that song.  Those lyrics always run through my mind every time I'm "running away". 

I've been writing every day....in my journal....pen and paper.  So much going on and mostly just wanted that freedom of being able to say it all there.  

One night I'm with who I guess you could say is my best friend these days for her birthday.  We went to see A Star Is Born and then to Taco Mac for a late dinner where we sat outside on the patio and got eaten up by mosquitos.  Best movie but neither one of us had seen any of the old ones it was a remake of so ummmm we didn't know the ending.  Everyone else in the theater obviously did seeing as how we were the only ones crying our eyes out and using our popcorn napkins for kleenex.  But we decided last night we have to see it again in the theater.  It was that good even though the end hit a very raw and sad and painful home that night. 

The next day....just not a good feeling day.  

Woke up the day after and knew I couldn't stay here another day feeling the way I did.  I needed to run away for one night.  So, I packed that bag and left the next morning. Went to my closest place I run away to.  Lunch at my favorite place to eat there.  Then spent the entire day outside in nature......waterfalls, hikes, climbing my favorite tree, sitting on the stone wall at my favorite overlook of the mountains and watching the sun set.  Also found exactly what I was looking for in my favorite antique store as well but that wasn't why I really went....that was just a bonus.  Home the next day after breakfast at my favorite place there.  And so it starts over.

Tuesday comes along and right now I can't even remember why because I've blocked it out but by the time I came home I was down to rock bottom's wine cellar again.  Blocking it out has become a wonderful strategy of dealing with things that I've learned.  Never remember it again once I decide to do that. 

Now, there are two ways I lose it.  One is a full out panic/anxiety attack.....September 2017 was the last time I had one of those.  Those wear you all the way out.  The other way I lose it is just losing my temper.  And I've got one....a bad one.  Got that from my dad.  He had the worst one ever.  I lost it and I lost it bad that evening.  Something just pushed me over the edge.  You don't even want to know what losing my temper is like or why I did that night.  It is over after all the destruction has been done and then I feel remorse and sorry for things I thought and said out loud. Some stupid little thing finally makes you lose it after a whole day of putting up with one thing after another that made you feel like you wanted to lose it but you couldn't where you were.  

So, that is twice in a month I lost my temper and two things I really needed that I broke during the tantrums of it all.  Yes, adults with horrible tempers have tantrums as well.  I like throwing things and breaking them and slamming doors and screaming exactly how I feel sometimes too.

I tried to figure out why that day was like that....leading up to the tantrum.  I thought well maybe it was because that morning driving Used to Love Her by GNR came on right when I was driving by the cemetery and I had this great idea to rewrite those lyrics to be about someone buried in that cemetery who it is certainly wrong for me to hate but I do and I can't stop either.  Hit rewind and sang my lyrics to it all the way to work.  That wasn't a very honorable and nice thing of me to change those lyrics to what I did.  Maybe it was that.  Bad karma. Idk. 

Some things I did get from that though.  Some things that leave me all the way with no idea again about the future.....full of uncertainly except for one thing.  

So, tomorrow I'm going to church and then lunch there.  Then my very best friend and I are going for a nice walk, probably at Stone Mountain, to enjoy this weather and then spending the rest of the day on her back porch enjoying the weather and working towards these new goals we both now have.  You know when you just can't stay where you are and you have to change something and in my case, hope it is a good change.  I wish one of two things.....someone would come along and change my life for me without me having to make a decision at all and I would like it.  Rescue me you might say from this life.  The other thing I wish is that whatever comes my way is going to change things.  Just thinking about staying stagnant in the same place with the same things makes me miserable yet I don't know what it is I want.  Except I just want to be happy all the time and I want some peace about the things I never will be happy about that I just have to live with.  

What gave me temporary happiness and peace for two days anyway.....

My Daddy brought me here my entire life on a regular basis since I was a little girl.

 Hilarious to a friend and I because it looks like the "monster" in Jeepers Creepers was behind me. 

So many memories and it is just me visiting them there now mostly.....I don't take many people there anymore.  

 

I've been climbing "my" tree for many years now just to get up to the ledge to sit and watch the waterfall.  

 Happiness for one day anyway.

EJ has me liking black and white pictures these days.  He changes them all to black and white. Ok, he got this one and I got all the others in color.

 Since last time I was here someone has put cute little signs and decorations all down there at my tree and my waterfall.  Moved the picnic tables around too.

I do sit for hours up in my tree on the ledge nature made and listen and watch my waterfall for hours sometimes.  I don't even think about anything.  I am just one with nature. 

Now, let's go sit on the stone wall at the overlook over the valley and watch the sun set. 

I took way too many pictures of what was an amazing sunset but just picked four I thought were really nice.  Talked to all the other people sitting up there watching it set about waterfalls to make sure we all knew where the best ones were.  

Then the next day....it was back to real life.  

Next weekend we run away to go horseback riding in the mountains and enjoy nature again.  

Week after......Stone Mountain for our annual Halloween/Fall fun.  Southern Ghosts

Then the next week....LA baby.  So ready to get on that plane that I already want to pack. 

A Million Little Things

Finally got to watch the new show A Million Little Things.  I watched it three times in a row.....I was a little distracted the first two times so.......a third time was needed.  

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite Christmas movies is in it and I just couldn't figure out where I knew that song from.  So, google figured it out for me.  

Right now.....sick probably from the stress catching up with me but two days in a row of what you would think is a stomach virus has kept me home.  

Hit straight up in the face with the past in a major way this week....threw me for a loop.  Made me realize all over again how the past you used to have just is gone one day and wonder why it ever changed.  Is there anything you can do to keep anything you love the same?  I hate that second when you know it is changing and will never be what it has been.

Life is weird feeling right now.  I don't know when things changed and I just have no sense of direction anymore or even know what I want. Not a very good feeling to be having right now considering everything that has been going on.  

Some songs say exactly what you feel that you can't put into words.

I do love this song so much and it was perfect in A Million Little Things:

Both Sides Now

-Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair 

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done 
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels 
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real 
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show 
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know 
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now 
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really…

Tears and fears and feeling proud, 
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds 
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends they're acting strange 
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained 
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now 
From up and down, and still somehow 
It's life's illusions I recall 
I really don't know life at all

A Million Little Things......best TV show to come along in awhile.  Watch it.