If I Don't Say It.....

Building on what has already been on my mind this week........I have to say it.  Keeping it in is the worst thing to do.  

You know what absolutely kills me about this situation?  For six months I left work to go take care of the person who needed me.  I left work early most days cause my boss said I could because he knew what was going on.  I missed work when the hospital called me in the middle of the night saying I needed to get there right away.  I.....well I did it all to take care of EVERY need the hospitals and rehabs and nursing home didn't meet. I could go on but that isn't the point.  Someone else did next to nothing.  Then when it all came to a screeching halt, there were lies believed and secrets and all the trust just gone.  But there is me who never did anything but what I should have done and what someone else should have been doing too.  

The point is how can some people treat strangers and people they don't really even know so good.....look for ways to do good and helpful things yet they treat the people they should treat with love and kindness like absolute shit? 

Even worse....how can all these people know that and know exactly what happened yet they still treat them like they always have?  You can't stick up for me?  You can't speak up when it is so wrong?? You can't be there to listen to me?  You can't be there at all........

That isn't what I would do in their shoes.  

I guess it is just easier to ignore and put it out of your mind than get involved.  

So, hello....welcome another problem coming from all this mess that I'm so sick of. 

I will no longer be thankful or glad for anything I get from those ignoring the problems or pretending like it is okay.  They can leave me alone too. I don't need that.  And I don't care what is coming from that......she's so callous....doesn't even care that (fill in the blank).  I can't care anymore when I get nothing like what I give.  I might as well act like what is thought of me anyway at this point and just stick with those who know the truth.  

That's a great thought to help strangers out but how about helping those out who aren't strangers.....who you know and who you have already in your life? How about not ignoring what is right in front of you? You might as well be saying you believe the lies.  

Things that go through my mind and getting it out lets me truly deal with it.  

In bad and then better news.......this summer my favorite local band currently had a major breakup while I was on Maui.  They're very popular in Europe and tour there frequently.  They're a great band but it has been evident since I went to Maryland to help Karen out with the music festival they were playing that there was kind of 1 against 3.  Seen an all out fight between the 1 and one of the other 3 out one night when they had played a show.  Well the 1 failed to show up for rehearsals before they were leaving for Europe this summer to tour and backed out of the tour the night before they flew out the next morning.  Craziness and I'll just leave it at that.  I felt bad for the 3....they've worked so hard and are going places in a genre of music that just isn't "in" here in the US anymore but is still going strong in Europe. They didn't deserve that and the way they had to let everywhere down they were supposed to play for in Europe and to lose all that money either. 

But the good news is they found a new singer and he's moving here I guess from some state like Indiana, I think.  So, they announced it on the fan page and put up some pics and videos of him.  

I'm about to go somewhere I only go with a few select people.  

He's HOT.....beyond HOT! I can't wait to meet him......on my birthday too....that is the first show they play with him.  Absolutely gorgeous tats I want to....well no one but the select few need to know that.  Nice long blonde hair. Yeah, can't wait. 

Live music/bands have always been my thing. I've worked promotion & merch booths and Volume Magazine functions back in the day (that's how I got my Coffin Case Purse I love). I've seen the sun rise more times that I can say with these bands I loved and supported.  Sleeping in the weirdest places. VIP and Backstage passes with them that let me meet the bigger bands I loved growing up.  

Funny thing is I spent a whole lot of years staying away from those lead singers or drummers or guitarists or bass players for one reason or another....LOL.  Some funny stories there. 

Now, that's really what I want most the time.  Funny, funny, funny.  

Need to rewind I guess and enjoy what I didn't want then.  

Now I'm cheered up after thinking of all my music friends and memories.  I'll get past all this bad where one thing just comes from another.  But I still will have music and my music crowd I love. 

A Beautiful Soul

Two things.....

I'm going to have to tell my therapist to stop asking the question.....did you hear from her? I'll tell her if I ever do which I'm not holding my breath waiting on because it isn't going to happen.  

I wish I could make myself not look for pictures of them online.  They're rare but sometimes they're there.  It gets to me way too much.  I know the greatest love I've ever had is my boy.....I love him like my own even though he isn't.  I was there when he was born and I was there for countless of other things over a 10 year span.  I can feel his arms around my waist and hear him say "Cindy" if we were just casually talking or "Aunt Cindy" if he wanted to have a serious conversation.  My favorite serious conversation is the one we had about turkey on Thanksgiving one year.  I remember all the lizards I got put on me because he couldn't find a snake that day (thank God) and he knew how much I hate anything that even resembles a snake.  And he'd just laugh as I freaked out.  And the spider friend he made one hot summer day.  That four year old boy climbed up somewhere only to get a spider out of its web.  Weirdest spider I've ever seen but he was so proud of it and he put it down on the carpet in the living room only to have his ass of a dad step on it and kill it.  He cried like his heart was breaking because his daddy killed his spider friend. 

That's heartbreak......being without him.  He's the one that is overly sensitive.  One of my last memories with him proved that.  He has a beautiful soul and Kelli says one day he'll be back with me again.  I don't even try to predict the future and I certainly don't hope for things like that.   Who needs disappointment?  I can easily say though that I love him like I never have loved anyone ever.  The honest and pure love of a child isn't like any other love.  I miss him every day.  Now he's about to be 13 and at least as tall as I am judging from his pictures.  He just got glasses too.  

Between Kelli bringing him up and new pictures I should know it was coming.

Woke up this morning dreaming a new version of the same dream I always have.  They come around me and I feel ecstatic until I realize they're not talking to me.....they're ignoring me or either they can't even see or hear me.  Sometimes I run up to them and sometimes I just talk to them....with no response.  It is like I'm invisible.  Today's dream started with them stacking a tall stack of rugs on my front porch and having a truck of other stuff.  There they all were doing whatever they were doing and I felt so happy to have them there but just because they brought him.  Then it is the same.....ignoring or not hearing me like I'm absolutely nothing.  

I'm not a perfect person and I've done things I'm not proud of but I'm quite certain the good things I have done cancel out having to deal with this.  I don't even know why.  

But enough.......I'd be a really insensitive person if I just forgot ten years with my boy and didn't still love him.  He never did anything and he's a victim of this craziness just like me.  

So, I made a decision.  I was thinking about it last night and I woke this morning from my dream and I just knew I should do it.  Frugal hasn't been a characteristic of mine in a long time.  So, I know what I'm doing and where I'm going for Christmas/NYE this year now.  Asked my friend who went last year on my little adventure. This time I'm really splurging on it.  Gets me through Christmas/NYE without my boy...then let's do it.  

I've never been the person who lets doing something alone stop me from doing it at all.  Sometimes doing something alone is so much better than with someone.  You get to do exactly what you want....no discussions about what to do.....no concessions to doing something you don't really want to do because the other person does.  

Maybe between now and then someone will want to go and run away for the best week I can think of with probably Hawaii as the exception.  

Maybe........or I do it alone and I won't suffer for it either.  

So, Safari bound I am.  

I want to see tons of these...

......and I should.  My room has a balcony that overlooks the savanna.  Animals come right up to your balconies.  I say giraffes like to give me kisses on my head because they always do....others say they like the way my hair feels/tastes and they're just tasting it.  Whichever....it is still nice to feel like you're being kissed on the head by a giraffe.  One hasn't eaten my hair yet so it is all good. 

Cutest room ever and there is room for four more people in it....it could be a party.  LOL

Faithfully

Just a song from a memory.......

Highway run into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round, you're on my mindRestless hearts sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love along the wire

They say that the road ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line it's been you and me
And loving a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours...faithfully

Circus life under the big top world
We all need the clowns to make us smile
Through space and time, always another show
Wondering where I am, lost without you

And being apart ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours...faithfully

Whooa, oh-oh-ooh
Whooa, oh-oh-ooh, oh
Whooa, oh-oh-oh, oh-whoooooa-oh
Faithfully
I'm still yours
I'm forever yours
Ever yours
Faithfully

Cliff's Edge

My mind always has to be going somewhere and thinking about something.  

Regularly I take steps in the opposite direction of the cliff's edge that still is behind me.

But at least it isn't in front of me anymore.....laying on the ground.....arms dangling over the edge....down on your knees looking over that edge.....pushed suddenly and feeling like you're going over.....or sometimes you feel like you did go over and all the breath got knocked out of you and you feel swallowed up by it all again. Lost again in that mass surrounding you keeping you stuck in that place again.  That place of hopelessness, despair, never-ending heartbreak, and so much more indescribable pain. 

Someone told me today how nice it was to see me smile from the true happiness they could see I finally have.  

The thing is after years of being on that cliff's edge, I doubt the probability that the happiness will last.  

I'm not willing to sacrifice it and I won't but I know sometimes your happiness has nothing to do with you.  

So, I won't sacrifice it and I will focus every day on keeping the things in my life that make me happy.  

Yet I will also worry every day that someone is going to come along and give me that push and backwards I will go to the cliff's edge again.  A place I NEVER want to be again.  

But I will focus on the daily good that I have now.  I will focus on the fun times coming up.  MM 2018 with my friends.  Peachtree Plaza for free all weekend long.  Uber everywhere.  Surprise - a midnight show by my favorite musician who is also playing MM this year just for the few that jumped on it and got tickets in the two minutes they were on sale before they sold out.  Two minutes....he set a new record for selling out a show.  

Making more memories that always involve music......

Keeping on walking away from the cliff's edge until I go back to how it was when I didn't even know it was there to fight falling off of.

Back 2 Good

Someone played this song for me this week and then we listened to it over and over a few times.  I haven't stopped listening to it yet. 

Back 2 Good

Can finally say...it is getting there.  

Autographed Across My Life

So, it's the middle of the night and I'm not sleeping again.  My mind got stuck on music today after listening to Lithium on XM all the way home.  Lithium makes me go back to the year music began to mean something more to me.  So, I start thinking about how it got from where it started to where it is today.  

Rick Springfield first when I was in 6th grade I think.  

Always The Beatles and Elton John thanks to my dad.  

Then there were hair bands along with the random.....Prince was always a favorite. 

Here comes college and this is where it got interesting.  

First person I thought about always played music I'd never heard every time we drove in his car and that was a lot.  We'd drive and drive and drive anywhere and everywhere and sometimes we just sat in one place or hung out in one of a couple of different parking lots and just listened to music.  Alternative music.  One song after another so I might think one song was by one group only to find out it wasn't.  Then it was like the whole world was alive with music everywhere.  Walking in and out of stores in the mall and a song I would have ignored in the past would take me back to one of those nights and I'd stay in the store walking around and feeling the music and singing the lyrics if only to myself. 

I think this person autographed his signature across my life....in calligraphy since he was always fascinated about writing all those letters he used to send me in calligraphy.  He'd like that.  Wonder if he'd use black or purple? 

That's how it started.  This passion for music.  I think in songs and lyrics and way too many take you back to a particular moment.  Melancholy. Heartbreaking. Over the moon happy. Regretful. Every emotion you could possibly feel is felt just by hearing the right song.  

For me........

That's What I Get, Something I Can Never Have, Too Many Walls, Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover, If You Asked Me To, Painless, Make It End, Stay, Shelter, High Enough, Life Is A Highway, In Your Eyes, The End of the Innocence, Name, Rocket Queen

That is just the tip of the iceberg.  I don't feel like going through all my music but those stick out for one memory or another. 

Then I went off on my own in my love of music but that first person.....he autographed my whole life with his love for music so my life became the same.  I owe him that and I miss him for that too.  He's the only person I could ever sit with and listen to music for hours and take turns playing songs for each other.  The table became even.  It used to be him exposing me to all this music I'd never heard and then he got me sooooo into music that then it became me exposing him to new music.  The best thing was when we'd tell each other we had a song for the other to listen to and it would be the same song.  :)  Then we'd just look at each other in amazement. 

Here's to you......

All I ever wanted was for you to know that I care.......