I came back from two months of bliss, kindness, caring, love, and happiness. Then you wait to see.....will it last or are the bad things that tormented me here going to take control again? Glad to say they haven't despite some of them trying. But I hang on and I fight and so things stay good.....they stay great. Part of it is the people you let in. And that luck....that luck keeps on coming.
She says to me, "I was always jealous of you for that....can we go?" and she makes my life once again. So we plan it and it is done. I get what I was going to miss so bad this year anyway. The amazing thing is I KNOW I will have a better time than I would have the old way. I know........
Then two tickets come into my life that make my birthday. They take me back to California for a few days.....letting me see probably my favorite person musically ever who writes his songs for me even if he doesn't know it. They take me back to that carefree summer with my friends who love me. I look forward to it so much. Who knows what adventures await there. Hard to top last time but who knows.
Laughter.......my therapist (who I'm not sure at all I need to be seeing anymore but I still go because she is like a best friend now) and I laughed so hard this week at something that happened that we had Ryan dying laughing at us. We acted like silly crazies and it was so funny until I pulled my leg muscle again running away from Ryan. I need those guys to be my friends.
My favorite obsession is over for 10 months but this week was over the top. Such emotion in one scene and such shock in another. Don't know how I'll live without it for 10 months.
So......things stay great. And with me always stays my future.....the peace of this that waits for me, beckons me, and promises happiness forever. Less than a year until it is mine 24/7, always, forever, never to be just a place I go but my home. It just doesn't get better than that.
So, there is this wall that seems to be a product of those two months away from my life that has showed up since the most incredible summer ever. Someone told me last night when we were out at the movies (oh my, a date) that there were two layers to me. I personally think there are more than two but I see what he was saying. That first layer is the layer that is "nice" and that even makes me appear shy or quiet even though I'm anything but that. The second layer is so multi-faceted with twists and turns that no one could even imagine. Now I know these things but having someone else see that in you is different and that always was the dream you know......someone really seeing you for who you are.
That wall is there and I like it because it is protecting all the happiness I have right now. I'm not giving that up ever again for anyone so the wall stays forever. There is going to be very few that make it through that wall and it will be as I see fit on a need to basis. They won't stay. It guards my happiness and my heart and I'm never sacrificing those things for anyone else ever again. They can be a spectator. I will never go back to that place of sadness, despair, depression, and anger again. Does it change the past? No, but it sure does put the past in its place......up on a high shelf to stay with the door to that room closed and locked. Certain people stay behind that door locked up too. So far I've only had two to even notice they were not where they used to be and work to get back to me instead of being locked in that room. So, I wait. Maybe these others will come around and maybe not except now there is that wall without the anger. I truly and finally learned not to care anymore and when things seem stressful I've noticed my reaction is different. Now all I think is "Oh well, things work out anyway and you don't stay stuck in the same place.....things move on and resolve themselves so why stress and worry?"
There was a time when I would have been there unconditionally and 100% no matter what. That person is gone for two reasons. My happiness is more important than sacrificing it for anything or anyone. Then because you never get that type of loyalty back from anyone.
You may be fragile and wallow in this broken person you think you are. Not me. I'm better and stronger than that. I don't even want to be there for anyone like that anymore. I don't want to "save them" anymore. I just want to be strong and happy and living my life.
I CHOOSE HAPPINESS
