I'm doing that thing again. Wake up around 2:30-3:00 AM every night but things must be better than last year when I was doing that because I am able to fall back asleep. But while I'm awake I'm thinking hard about a variety of things that occupy my mind. Having a conversation with myself? Someone else without a name? Sometimes someone I know or used to know. So, last nights rambling thoughts were really a lot. Facebook and its Memories of past events on this day are responsible for this and seeing someone from my past yesterday I haven't seen in a few years. Went something like this.....
We don't appreciate things while we have them. We take it for granted that the people and the everyday going ons will always stay the way they are. Slowly things change and people disappear for many different reasons.
First picture was from two years ago. Lisa was in it and it has been a little over a year since she chose to leave this life. Michelle, Melinda, and Marcia were all in it too. They are still around in my life.
Second group of pictures was from four years ago (where does time go) and they were of Farm Rock weekend for my birthday. VIP you know. :) Marla and Aaron were in them along with all my band friends. Crystal and Lynda were too. Aaron didn't last long. We talked and talked and I was glad to make a new friend until TWO days later he lays on me that he probably shouldn't tell me but he knows he is in love with me.....after two days of being around each other. That always annoys me and it usually happens way too often but not these days. But we will get to that.
Marla.....well back in May/June when I was a serious basket case I went to her for some support? Help? Just being there. Well, she wasn't. She actually made me feel like absolute shit because of what she said to me about the situation I was in. Which absolutely amazes me. She is constantly saying all this bleeding heart crap about being there for people, etc, etc, etc. but the ONLY time I needed her she actually said shit to me that made it worse. WTF? But I went on. Then there was the night that rock bottom that had already turned into a basement which had then turned into a wine cellar went even further down into the storm shelter. I hate that night and hate the person who caused it and I hate Marla because she was part of it and I hate what I'd just lived through and sometimes I hate myself for letting it all do what it did to me. Then she did that thing and chose something else instead of a commitment to me. That's a deal breaker these days. She gets it.....she runs her mouth too much and so I've had to see where she says someone is ghosting her. Well I guess so after those two things. Can't depend on her and these days I HAVE to be able to depend on you for you to be in my life at all.
Then there was all the Robby birthday pictures. He turns 13 today and my heart still breaks thinking of him sometimes. Especially the last birthday we were together for. The boy has heart. But that memory from that day will just stay mine to hold on to and hope one day it means we're together again and the two of THEM won't ruin him and change him.
Next set of pictures was from 9 years ago and it was my birthday weekend when Leslie, Nancy, Dawn, Dee, Karel, and I went to the mountains for the weekend. Got up early and some of them wore their pj's, robes, crazy house slippers just for fun. We met up at my place up there for the best breakfast there is. We went on into North Carolina all the while laughing and acting our silly selves. Went to my favorite waterfall. Went back to one of the cabins we had for the weekend. Drank a whole lot of tequila, laughed a whole lot more, took a lot of pictures, hot tubbed, and just had a great time. Dee left this world by choice two years ago, Nancy had a hard time when her mom died and we're just not friends anymore, Dawn I talk to occasionally, Leslie is still my Leslie who doesn't go away and doesn't change even though we don't see each other that often-when we do we're just as close as always-that's the way it is since you've known each other since you were 7 years old, Karel is still my Karel but she moved to SC a few years ago and recently moved to Florida, and just got the news she has cancer (that nightmare again) and me.....well I don't even know that person I was then anymore. Better or worse now...I don't know. Things have been too fucked up to even know. But I like to think better.
Then the next set of pictures of the last Halloween Bonfire party Josh and Dee had. Dee is still gone from this life by her choice. Josh and I had a fight or whatever you want to call it back in September but then talked about but really nothing has changed and I say WHATEVER. Let people do what they want. Some of those people who were struggling somehow have ended up beyond happy. I don't get it. Here I still sit waiting for that to come to me and thinking of the times I thought is was but then it turns and goes the opposite direction. So, I do things to make myself happy yet I'm still searching in one area that I need to be happy or okay anyway.
So, after that night in June things have been a lot different. I left the week after that night for California and then Kel joined me and then we went on to Maui for two weeks. Maui to me means my resort with that view of that ocean, my favorite restaurants, all the shopping, and JoAnna. One night while we were waiting for a To Go order to be ready we were shopping. A necklace with a lock on in was in my favorite jewelry store. Of course the key to it was sold separately but I didn't want the key. I don't want the key. That lock on that necklace is always around my neck and means what you think it would. Locked down. If you're not in my life then you're not coming in. No one new. No old one from the past coming back around. Yeah, I still make new friends but they're not "in". I still date new guys but they're not "in" either.
When the end of this conversation with myself came to an end in the middle of the night last night I had this sense of something I can't even name. Faith in the future maybe. Faith in myself. Certainty about the future. Certainly about a decision I have already made but know how stressful that situation can be. Making the most of this life like some of my best friends can't do because they aren't here anymore.
I have lived such a remarkable life and had so many experiences all over the world that no one else has. Doubting myself, my worth, my decisions......crazy because I make what I want happen. You could choose to go along for the ride and it is a damn good one or you could choose to be shallow and not even see what is right in front of you. Doesn't matter. I'm still living my life the best I can and getting everything out of it I can.
That's that.....middle of the night thoughts are truthful and open and honest and revealing. But that is me anyway. Too bad it isn't or wasn't YOU. YOU=all the dumbasses I ditched because of the real them.
Thursday, November 7, 2019
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Wild Horses
I simply don't want to forget and I'm too tired to write it so.......
Last week I was at Disney for their Halloween party on my Fall Break with about 20 people I work with. I love Halloween, scary, ghosts, and just anything like that so I was in heaven. I'm lucky to have found a place to work where half the people I work with love Disney as much as I do.
The parade started out every night with cracks of thunder and then the Headless Horseman trotting his horse down the street through the park. It was something else.....especially later when you could have your picture made with him.
Anyway, I came home and my very first day back driving to work there is this car coming towards me flashing their lights with three other cars behind them and they are all driving slowly. The lights blinded me but when I got close to them I saw that there were three beautiful horses running free down the road in front of the car. The first one was black and the other two were brownish red. I know I should count myself lucky that they didn't run into any of the cars there....including mine. I had two cars behind me also. But there they ran between the two lanes on a very dark road in a totally rural area but somewhat in the other lane in front of the car coming towards me. Part of me is glad that they are surely back in their fence safe and sound. But then there is the part of me that just watched them as I came to almost a complete stop not to hit them. Their wild beauty as they were out of their fence and free......just running. I could never truly say how it made me feel but it was good. I want to feel that free all the time and I've figured out how to a lot of the time finally.
Then something else that means something to me right now. I went to see one of my favorite singers who used to head up a favorite band many years ago with my favorite college roomie. He sings this song that I've always seen the beauty in it and how perfect it is even though it isn't personal to me. The whole song is moving and perfect but when he sings these lines.......Well tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie...... with such passion and truth and the way he breaks up the words and wrote the music to go with them......perfection. I could listen to that line over and over and I do listen to the song over and over. The more you listen, the more you love it. And it means nothing personal to me. It is just an amazingly written song sung by one of the best singers I've ever heard who sings it with such meaning and passion that you know it meant something to him and still does. I think it is the passion he puts into it I love so much. Few people are that passionate about anything good.
So, here life is.......I moved and I found the new job and I went through one of the worst things I've ever been through during the time I moved and was unpacking and finishing out my last few weeks at one job into the time before I started the new job. For the first time ever, I was scared of where the things going on took me. I consider myself lucky and I will never be there in that place again. That I know.
Truth is not letting the same person or people have new opportunities to disappoint you or hurt you. What is even more important is don't let ANYONE have any opportunities to disappoint or hurt you. That. So, stay away.....I make sure they do.
But don't worry......I'm watching. Those who've tried in the past or even succeeded (although I doubt they know it or some even care) still get theirs. I'm still that person and I'm still messing with you. You'll never know but all the bad you go through......comes from me. Focusing. Concentrating. Making it happen to you. Enjoying when once more I read or hear of your latest sad tale of what bad happened to you. Good. There could never be enough bad to come your way. Maybe one day you'll realize where you went wrong, that you screwed yourself over, and that you picked the wrong person to be an ass to. But I doubt it. You'll go to your grave and never get it. Ever. Who is better off? Me.....despite it all. Me. Me. Me.
Stupid people......my circle knows me and loves me and things are amazing there. You missed out majorly in more ways than one.
Hit another milestone.......net worth is now over half a mil and heading towards that million in 5-6 years.
Took a lot of years, tears, meltdowns, and hitting rock bottom over and over but I'm still standing. Stronger than ever. No one will ruin that because I don't give anyone the chance. You're in the circle you stay.....you're not then you'll never get in.
Yeah, I have strong feelings about what I love which is sometimes experiences and sometimes something like that song I love so much right now. But I something I have is just as important. Unless you are me and you're not where I'm finally at then you won't get it. For the first time ever, I truly have the ability to 100% not care about things, situations, people, and absolutely anything I don't want to. That is freedom. Wild horse freedom.
Last week I was at Disney for their Halloween party on my Fall Break with about 20 people I work with. I love Halloween, scary, ghosts, and just anything like that so I was in heaven. I'm lucky to have found a place to work where half the people I work with love Disney as much as I do.
The parade started out every night with cracks of thunder and then the Headless Horseman trotting his horse down the street through the park. It was something else.....especially later when you could have your picture made with him.
Anyway, I came home and my very first day back driving to work there is this car coming towards me flashing their lights with three other cars behind them and they are all driving slowly. The lights blinded me but when I got close to them I saw that there were three beautiful horses running free down the road in front of the car. The first one was black and the other two were brownish red. I know I should count myself lucky that they didn't run into any of the cars there....including mine. I had two cars behind me also. But there they ran between the two lanes on a very dark road in a totally rural area but somewhat in the other lane in front of the car coming towards me. Part of me is glad that they are surely back in their fence safe and sound. But then there is the part of me that just watched them as I came to almost a complete stop not to hit them. Their wild beauty as they were out of their fence and free......just running. I could never truly say how it made me feel but it was good. I want to feel that free all the time and I've figured out how to a lot of the time finally.
Then something else that means something to me right now. I went to see one of my favorite singers who used to head up a favorite band many years ago with my favorite college roomie. He sings this song that I've always seen the beauty in it and how perfect it is even though it isn't personal to me. The whole song is moving and perfect but when he sings these lines.......Well tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie...... with such passion and truth and the way he breaks up the words and wrote the music to go with them......perfection. I could listen to that line over and over and I do listen to the song over and over. The more you listen, the more you love it. And it means nothing personal to me. It is just an amazingly written song sung by one of the best singers I've ever heard who sings it with such meaning and passion that you know it meant something to him and still does. I think it is the passion he puts into it I love so much. Few people are that passionate about anything good.
So, here life is.......I moved and I found the new job and I went through one of the worst things I've ever been through during the time I moved and was unpacking and finishing out my last few weeks at one job into the time before I started the new job. For the first time ever, I was scared of where the things going on took me. I consider myself lucky and I will never be there in that place again. That I know.
Truth is not letting the same person or people have new opportunities to disappoint you or hurt you. What is even more important is don't let ANYONE have any opportunities to disappoint or hurt you. That. So, stay away.....I make sure they do.
But don't worry......I'm watching. Those who've tried in the past or even succeeded (although I doubt they know it or some even care) still get theirs. I'm still that person and I'm still messing with you. You'll never know but all the bad you go through......comes from me. Focusing. Concentrating. Making it happen to you. Enjoying when once more I read or hear of your latest sad tale of what bad happened to you. Good. There could never be enough bad to come your way. Maybe one day you'll realize where you went wrong, that you screwed yourself over, and that you picked the wrong person to be an ass to. But I doubt it. You'll go to your grave and never get it. Ever. Who is better off? Me.....despite it all. Me. Me. Me.
Stupid people......my circle knows me and loves me and things are amazing there. You missed out majorly in more ways than one.
Hit another milestone.......net worth is now over half a mil and heading towards that million in 5-6 years.
Took a lot of years, tears, meltdowns, and hitting rock bottom over and over but I'm still standing. Stronger than ever. No one will ruin that because I don't give anyone the chance. You're in the circle you stay.....you're not then you'll never get in.
Yeah, I have strong feelings about what I love which is sometimes experiences and sometimes something like that song I love so much right now. But I something I have is just as important. Unless you are me and you're not where I'm finally at then you won't get it. For the first time ever, I truly have the ability to 100% not care about things, situations, people, and absolutely anything I don't want to. That is freedom. Wild horse freedom.
Sunday, July 14, 2019
I Fell In Love With The Devil
People are having a little bit of a freak out about that song.....I Fell In Love With The Devil. Listen to it and you get it. If you don't, then you've never met and fallen in love with the wrong person. That's what it is about and nothing more.
Get ready for the random.....
Just got back from three weeks in Cali and then Maui then back to Cali to come home.
Cali wasn't what had been planned. Almost so much so that I wish I hadn't of stayed there the first three days. Then K came and we spent the day at the Venice Canals and then walked to Venice Beach and hung out there. In N Out Burger of course.
Next morning early.....flew to Maui. First week in the villas. Got upgraded to ocean front. 4th of July there was fun. Then braved the heat and the crowds for fireworks on Front Street in Lahaina. Once was enough. Don't need to do that again. Second week in the resort. Westin of course. Stayed in the beach tower this year and wow....only complaint was you couldn't see the sunset from the lanai but the room and the lanai was really a wow. Already booked my time in the Nanea Villas for next year.
Best day on Maui this year was when we rented a car. Started out in the Iao Valley and that place was one of those places you go to and you feel it spiritually. It is a special place maybe because of all of the history there and what took place there and a mixture of the beauty. It was all cloudy and I love clouds in the mountains. The stream and waterfall were not swimmable. Too much water pouring due to rain I guess. Then it started to really rain and we could have left but it was like being cleansed there by the rain so we kept going and hiking. I was absolutely soaked but everyone else was just slightly wet. Weird. I'll never forget the time we spent there.
Drove to Ho'okipa Beach. Crossed the barriers and the sign that said Do Not Enter just like everyone else and hiked along all the lava rock that had made beautiful in and out arms reaching into the ocean and created some tide pools. Watched the waves crash up on them and over them and sat there and looked at the beauty of it all while having that breeze feel like it was blowing away all the bad so you were free. Then tried our best to find Jaws....the beach with the biggest waves for surfers in the world but just couldn't. Even stopped and asked how to get to it. We knew the road you have to drive until it ends and then you hike down to the beach......3 mile hike round trip. We were willing but never found the road. So frustrating. Went back to Ho'okipa Beach to see the huge sea turtles that live there. Neatest thing ever. Then on to Big Beach which was gorgeous but still red flagged....no swimming and I wanted to swim so bad. Skipped Little Beach.....the nude beach. LOL Then went to Le Perouse Beach which is where the last lava flow from the volcano flowed down to the ocean. Very odd to drive down the little road with huge lava rocks all around you on both sides of the road. Such beauty the whole day.
Sad thing that on the way to the airport I saw the start of the fire on Maui. We had to stop and let the fire trucks go by and turn in to where it was. I think my flight was the last one to get to leave before they shut down the airport and evacuated it and Kihei. I got out but K spent the night on a pool float on the floor of the high school gym once they evacuated the airport. Took her two whole days to get home. Crazy. Always get an early flight out of Hawaii. Burned 10,000 acres before they got it under control.
I don't understand people. Symbolic that I bought a lock on a necklace. The thing I want the most is what I try to give. I know you care but I can't think that way. Self-preservation you see. That person can't exist anymore. But what I wouldn't give to say what I couldn't figure out I wanted to say then. So, I did the best thing for me and maybe one day I will get to say it but probably I won't. Actions seem to say this is affecting you but it has to be you and I think it won't be. One day it is going to be like all the others.....the ones I go days, weeks, and months without thinking about . It just isn't right now.
Here comes my chance to make things better....to start over and to get back to how I was and what I had before. I pray this new opportunity gets me there.
Everything seems to be falling into place anyway.
Get ready for the random.....
Just got back from three weeks in Cali and then Maui then back to Cali to come home.
Cali wasn't what had been planned. Almost so much so that I wish I hadn't of stayed there the first three days. Then K came and we spent the day at the Venice Canals and then walked to Venice Beach and hung out there. In N Out Burger of course.
Next morning early.....flew to Maui. First week in the villas. Got upgraded to ocean front. 4th of July there was fun. Then braved the heat and the crowds for fireworks on Front Street in Lahaina. Once was enough. Don't need to do that again. Second week in the resort. Westin of course. Stayed in the beach tower this year and wow....only complaint was you couldn't see the sunset from the lanai but the room and the lanai was really a wow. Already booked my time in the Nanea Villas for next year.
Best day on Maui this year was when we rented a car. Started out in the Iao Valley and that place was one of those places you go to and you feel it spiritually. It is a special place maybe because of all of the history there and what took place there and a mixture of the beauty. It was all cloudy and I love clouds in the mountains. The stream and waterfall were not swimmable. Too much water pouring due to rain I guess. Then it started to really rain and we could have left but it was like being cleansed there by the rain so we kept going and hiking. I was absolutely soaked but everyone else was just slightly wet. Weird. I'll never forget the time we spent there.
Drove to Ho'okipa Beach. Crossed the barriers and the sign that said Do Not Enter just like everyone else and hiked along all the lava rock that had made beautiful in and out arms reaching into the ocean and created some tide pools. Watched the waves crash up on them and over them and sat there and looked at the beauty of it all while having that breeze feel like it was blowing away all the bad so you were free. Then tried our best to find Jaws....the beach with the biggest waves for surfers in the world but just couldn't. Even stopped and asked how to get to it. We knew the road you have to drive until it ends and then you hike down to the beach......3 mile hike round trip. We were willing but never found the road. So frustrating. Went back to Ho'okipa Beach to see the huge sea turtles that live there. Neatest thing ever. Then on to Big Beach which was gorgeous but still red flagged....no swimming and I wanted to swim so bad. Skipped Little Beach.....the nude beach. LOL Then went to Le Perouse Beach which is where the last lava flow from the volcano flowed down to the ocean. Very odd to drive down the little road with huge lava rocks all around you on both sides of the road. Such beauty the whole day.
Sad thing that on the way to the airport I saw the start of the fire on Maui. We had to stop and let the fire trucks go by and turn in to where it was. I think my flight was the last one to get to leave before they shut down the airport and evacuated it and Kihei. I got out but K spent the night on a pool float on the floor of the high school gym once they evacuated the airport. Took her two whole days to get home. Crazy. Always get an early flight out of Hawaii. Burned 10,000 acres before they got it under control.
I don't understand people. Symbolic that I bought a lock on a necklace. The thing I want the most is what I try to give. I know you care but I can't think that way. Self-preservation you see. That person can't exist anymore. But what I wouldn't give to say what I couldn't figure out I wanted to say then. So, I did the best thing for me and maybe one day I will get to say it but probably I won't. Actions seem to say this is affecting you but it has to be you and I think it won't be. One day it is going to be like all the others.....the ones I go days, weeks, and months without thinking about . It just isn't right now.
Here comes my chance to make things better....to start over and to get back to how I was and what I had before. I pray this new opportunity gets me there.
Everything seems to be falling into place anyway.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Think About How Many Times I Have Fallen
......words from a favorite song
I know it has been forever since I wrote here. I didn't stop writing.....it just wasn't here. Three months it has been and in three months I don't live where I used to, I don't work where I used to, rock bottom turned into the basement which turned into the wine cellar which turned into a tornado shelter. My therapist and I laugh about that but really......
Got some happiness back by doing something I thought would be nostalgic and sad but it wasn't. Not only did I survive but I made some choices and never gave up and ended up better for it. I don't think I see all the better yet.....it hasn't been long enough but I feel it.
So, here I sit on a semi-yearly trip I take to the same place to visit my friends and because I LIKE IT HERE. But we will get to that later. Last time I came was 8 months ago which was a very low point and not a good time at all to come here. The problems I was facing stuck to me like glue the whole time I was here but now, being back, I'm glad to say I have been cleansed of all that as well as some people I needed to be rid of as well.
Not a dream but more like an alternate reality you enter into. One of my realities I end up in when I see my Reiki advisor is me running out of woods into a meadow filled with wild flowers that ends on a cliff above a beautiful aqua blue ocean. I've gotten stuck in the woods before, I've spent most my time in the meadow, and sometimes I've jumped off of that cliff to swim in that ocean. This time someone I needed out of my life was following me until I told him to stop....he had to stay in the woods. I kept running and he couldn't follow. When I stopped before I got to the cliff, my dad was there but I couldn't see him....I just felt him. He held me by my shoulders and leaned in and kissed my forehead twice and said both times, "You are enough." But it wasn't just in that semi dream state I was in. I felt his hands on me and him kiss my forehead and I heard his words as if he was in the room with me too. He was there and I felt his hands on my shoulders and his kisses on my forehead and I heard him say those words to me.
I read something yesterday and I'd put the whole thing here but it is too long. It said some things other "advice" articles haven't said. Here is some of it and it is from an article about how it is your responsibility to change your life if you aren't happy with it.
Often times, we settle for what we think is right, acceptable and safe. We are so dominated by the idea of staying because it feels scary to move. Because it feels frightening to face a whole new environment without the people, the things, or the places we’ve been so used to.
We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.
I know it has been forever since I wrote here. I didn't stop writing.....it just wasn't here. Three months it has been and in three months I don't live where I used to, I don't work where I used to, rock bottom turned into the basement which turned into the wine cellar which turned into a tornado shelter. My therapist and I laugh about that but really......
Got some happiness back by doing something I thought would be nostalgic and sad but it wasn't. Not only did I survive but I made some choices and never gave up and ended up better for it. I don't think I see all the better yet.....it hasn't been long enough but I feel it.
So, here I sit on a semi-yearly trip I take to the same place to visit my friends and because I LIKE IT HERE. But we will get to that later. Last time I came was 8 months ago which was a very low point and not a good time at all to come here. The problems I was facing stuck to me like glue the whole time I was here but now, being back, I'm glad to say I have been cleansed of all that as well as some people I needed to be rid of as well.
Not a dream but more like an alternate reality you enter into. One of my realities I end up in when I see my Reiki advisor is me running out of woods into a meadow filled with wild flowers that ends on a cliff above a beautiful aqua blue ocean. I've gotten stuck in the woods before, I've spent most my time in the meadow, and sometimes I've jumped off of that cliff to swim in that ocean. This time someone I needed out of my life was following me until I told him to stop....he had to stay in the woods. I kept running and he couldn't follow. When I stopped before I got to the cliff, my dad was there but I couldn't see him....I just felt him. He held me by my shoulders and leaned in and kissed my forehead twice and said both times, "You are enough." But it wasn't just in that semi dream state I was in. I felt his hands on me and him kiss my forehead and I heard his words as if he was in the room with me too. He was there and I felt his hands on my shoulders and his kisses on my forehead and I heard him say those words to me.
I read something yesterday and I'd put the whole thing here but it is too long. It said some things other "advice" articles haven't said. Here is some of it and it is from an article about how it is your responsibility to change your life if you aren't happy with it.
Often times, we settle for what we think is right, acceptable and safe. We are so dominated by the idea of staying because it feels scary to move. Because it feels frightening to face a whole new environment without the people, the things, or the places we’ve been so used to.
We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.
If you’re unhappy, MOVE. Because if you’re meant to stay in one place, you should have roots, instead of feet.
It just kept saying whatever you are unhappy with....job, place you live, love life, etc. then change it. This was the part that got to me:
If you’re unhappy where you are right now, move. It’s as simple as
that, I don’t know why we make everything so complicated. Why we spend
so much of our time and energy scrutinizing everything, when the only
thing we should really be thinking about is our own happiness.
Thus, instead of dreading and over-examining every decision you need to make in your life, trust your guts. Sometimes, taking risks and clinging to perplexity is a good thing. You don’t always have to weigh the pros and cons of things, sometimes there is only one thing that really, truly matters and that is; your happiness, your passion for this life and your hunger for a contented heart. You don’t have to be sure of where you’re going or what the next step is; sometimes all you have to do is take the first step and that is to MOVE.
I sit here looking out this window right now from an old hotel where I'm at that has seen many movies, videos, and picture shoots happen here. It is so old the windows still open. I have them open right now and the breeze blows in, moving the curtains, as I look out past the beauty of the window into the beauty of the view of the blue sky against mountains not like ones I'm used to at home. And I have peace. Peace in my place someone tried to ruin. Peace in my place when lately all it seems to be is the wrong people who have no business being there and acting the way they do but then I have no business giving anyone the time of day and the benefit of the doubt when actions speak louder than any words can. I am enough. And I am through. I'm sorry plans got messed up a little today but then I think I needed this time to sit here and look out at the mountains, feel the breeze, and just be. I keep losing myself or so I think. I let the world make me think that anyway.
That article I read really hit me. It was like it was written for me because I do all of the things it says not to do and only recently have I started doing what it says to do.....just change it.....just move. Don't overthink it. I don't know when it will be but I'm making the bigger steps in the future to where I want to be and I'm not overthinking it so I don't do it. I'm happier and I don't want to get too content where I'm at so more has to come. For once, I don't see any decision you make as "running away". Yes, some things that drag you down on a constant basis will follow you but that shouldn't stop you from just MOVING.....do something.
In addition to all the other "gifts" I was born with, I'm also an empath. I should say that a couple of weeks ago a student of mine I taught in 3rd grade, who was slated to be valedictorian next year when he graduated, died in a horrible car accident with no understanding of how it even happened. But, I drove by there right before it happened and I was in my new home when I heard all the sirens. Sadly, I did not know the name of the person to know it was him until the day after his memorial service because his family wanted it kept quiet. So, when I did know I went out to where it happened and to where his mom took all the flowers from the memorial service out to where someone had put a white cross. It was a rough few days because I felt his presence all around me. I can see how the accident looked and what he was wearing although there are no pictures. I can feel so sad for that little 3rd grader I taught maybe 10 years ago who was a math genius and really going places. What I can't do is understand although someone reminded me that we enter into this world already with a known day we will exit it. We just don't know our exit day but we have to believe what comes next is better.
This fall a friend of mine and I will have known each other 30 years. I tell him that and he says back to me that means we will have known each other more of our lives than we didn't know each other. What a weird thought.
I can't say where I'll be this time next year. It will be interesting to see though.
Thus, instead of dreading and over-examining every decision you need to make in your life, trust your guts. Sometimes, taking risks and clinging to perplexity is a good thing. You don’t always have to weigh the pros and cons of things, sometimes there is only one thing that really, truly matters and that is; your happiness, your passion for this life and your hunger for a contented heart. You don’t have to be sure of where you’re going or what the next step is; sometimes all you have to do is take the first step and that is to MOVE.
I sit here looking out this window right now from an old hotel where I'm at that has seen many movies, videos, and picture shoots happen here. It is so old the windows still open. I have them open right now and the breeze blows in, moving the curtains, as I look out past the beauty of the window into the beauty of the view of the blue sky against mountains not like ones I'm used to at home. And I have peace. Peace in my place someone tried to ruin. Peace in my place when lately all it seems to be is the wrong people who have no business being there and acting the way they do but then I have no business giving anyone the time of day and the benefit of the doubt when actions speak louder than any words can. I am enough. And I am through. I'm sorry plans got messed up a little today but then I think I needed this time to sit here and look out at the mountains, feel the breeze, and just be. I keep losing myself or so I think. I let the world make me think that anyway.
That article I read really hit me. It was like it was written for me because I do all of the things it says not to do and only recently have I started doing what it says to do.....just change it.....just move. Don't overthink it. I don't know when it will be but I'm making the bigger steps in the future to where I want to be and I'm not overthinking it so I don't do it. I'm happier and I don't want to get too content where I'm at so more has to come. For once, I don't see any decision you make as "running away". Yes, some things that drag you down on a constant basis will follow you but that shouldn't stop you from just MOVING.....do something.
In addition to all the other "gifts" I was born with, I'm also an empath. I should say that a couple of weeks ago a student of mine I taught in 3rd grade, who was slated to be valedictorian next year when he graduated, died in a horrible car accident with no understanding of how it even happened. But, I drove by there right before it happened and I was in my new home when I heard all the sirens. Sadly, I did not know the name of the person to know it was him until the day after his memorial service because his family wanted it kept quiet. So, when I did know I went out to where it happened and to where his mom took all the flowers from the memorial service out to where someone had put a white cross. It was a rough few days because I felt his presence all around me. I can see how the accident looked and what he was wearing although there are no pictures. I can feel so sad for that little 3rd grader I taught maybe 10 years ago who was a math genius and really going places. What I can't do is understand although someone reminded me that we enter into this world already with a known day we will exit it. We just don't know our exit day but we have to believe what comes next is better.
This fall a friend of mine and I will have known each other 30 years. I tell him that and he says back to me that means we will have known each other more of our lives than we didn't know each other. What a weird thought.
I can't say where I'll be this time next year. It will be interesting to see though.
Monday, March 25, 2019
So Close You Can Taste It
Ever had something you'd worked really hard to get? Something big....something huge? It has been awhile but I'm in that place. Less than three weeks and the biggest thing in my life is about to totally change. It is so close that I can taste it. Just waiting for me and it is one of four things. If I had to take a guess I'd say one of the four.....not happening. So, I'll just go ahead and put it to bed or be nicely surprised but I doubt that. The other one happens and I can trust it for a week anyway. The third one happens and that's heaven. I hope....it is what I wanted anyway. Sometimes it is hard getting what you want when it has been a long time since that happened. Through it all, I never gave up. I've gotten up every day even when it felt like I got up from some bed in the wine cellar in the basement below rock bottom. My therapist and I were joking that all it takes is one more thing and that wine cellar is going to have a tornado shelter under it. Then there is the fourth thing.....well it will happen but right now it is just unknown what it will be like.
It tastes sweet though. I tastes like the past but so much better because coming out of what I did is kind of amazing.
If all four things fall through then I joke when I say it.....but I mean it too. I'm going to die here but I'll die knowing I tried.
It tastes sweet though. I tastes like the past but so much better because coming out of what I did is kind of amazing.
If all four things fall through then I joke when I say it.....but I mean it too. I'm going to die here but I'll die knowing I tried.
Sunday, March 17, 2019
If only everyone thought of others like this instead of it always being about themselves.
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet "said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."
Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.
Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."
Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"
"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."
"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less. (A.A.Milne,
E.H.Shepard)
No more; no less. (A.A.Milne,
E.H.Shepard)
So, that's what it is like......
Kind of the way just getting one rose is better than a dozen and having someone hold your hand and just turning to smile at you is better than any present.
That was foreshadowing last week when I wrote that.....but we'll come back to that in a minute.
EJ's old band finally put out their new cd and they're doing a show later this month. Things are so busy but I really hope I get to go that night. Friday night after I got home, it was kind of late like it is most Friday nights. Like every single one of those Friday nights I say I'm going to watch TV for an hour before going to bed and every time I end up falling asleep on the couch. Same this week but when I woke up I check my phone and the first video for the first song released from the album had just been posted. I wake up like that and I have to remember where I am and who I am sometimes too. But Angel was there....her presence. She saying something to me and I asked if she saw the video......mostly the end. I wish I could remember what she was saying but I can't. I miss Angel so bad. Maybe it is so obvious these days because it is almost to the anniversary of her death. I wish I could talk to her.
Now to this weekend. Last night (Saturday) was the most normal night I've had in 8 years and when I say normal I mean normal for me. Last night was like what Saturday nights used to be like. P9 played and I drove the two hours to stay in the hotel I always stay in when I go down there where they live and play mostly. Eight years and they pack a place that big still. I got there early so I could talk to them and catch up with people. Met a lot of new friends. Two in particular and I spent the time til the band started playing talking about everything. It is amazing when you meet people you were so obviously supposed to meet.
Band starts and I'm up front of course with my friends. At some point, M and I end up next to each other and D is with her except I didn't recognize him at all. He's changed except he looks exactly like my type of guy when it comes to looks. Eventually, he ends up next to me and we end up talking in spurts because we are listening to the band and we're all kind of linked arms and singing to the music. Night goes on and we just kind of all do our thing. The band ends the night. D and I just talk about a lot of stuff. He's everything I'd want. Last night with him proved that there are those guys out there who are everything and he doesn't even try. He was just himself.
Foreshadowing.....I said one rose was better than a dozen. This would be my one rose he gave me last night.
That was foreshadowing last week when I wrote that.....but we'll come back to that in a minute.
EJ's old band finally put out their new cd and they're doing a show later this month. Things are so busy but I really hope I get to go that night. Friday night after I got home, it was kind of late like it is most Friday nights. Like every single one of those Friday nights I say I'm going to watch TV for an hour before going to bed and every time I end up falling asleep on the couch. Same this week but when I woke up I check my phone and the first video for the first song released from the album had just been posted. I wake up like that and I have to remember where I am and who I am sometimes too. But Angel was there....her presence. She saying something to me and I asked if she saw the video......mostly the end. I wish I could remember what she was saying but I can't. I miss Angel so bad. Maybe it is so obvious these days because it is almost to the anniversary of her death. I wish I could talk to her.
Now to this weekend. Last night (Saturday) was the most normal night I've had in 8 years and when I say normal I mean normal for me. Last night was like what Saturday nights used to be like. P9 played and I drove the two hours to stay in the hotel I always stay in when I go down there where they live and play mostly. Eight years and they pack a place that big still. I got there early so I could talk to them and catch up with people. Met a lot of new friends. Two in particular and I spent the time til the band started playing talking about everything. It is amazing when you meet people you were so obviously supposed to meet.
Band starts and I'm up front of course with my friends. At some point, M and I end up next to each other and D is with her except I didn't recognize him at all. He's changed except he looks exactly like my type of guy when it comes to looks. Eventually, he ends up next to me and we end up talking in spurts because we are listening to the band and we're all kind of linked arms and singing to the music. Night goes on and we just kind of all do our thing. The band ends the night. D and I just talk about a lot of stuff. He's everything I'd want. Last night with him proved that there are those guys out there who are everything and he doesn't even try. He was just himself.
Foreshadowing.....I said one rose was better than a dozen. This would be my one rose he gave me last night.
I said last week that holding hands is better than any present. So, there we sat for awhile leaning on a pool table, holding hands, him turning to look at me and me looking back, and talking mostly. It is how it happens. First you touch hands, then your fingers find their fit with each other, and you are holding hands. Sometimes you sit there holding hands listening to the other person telling you something important and sometime it leads to other things. Normal isn't what I'd ever want. Nothing about my life or his is anything I'd ever call normal but we fit. The more time we're together, the better it is. I wouldn't call anything about D uninteresting or boring yet he's nice, caring, and thinking of you. A lot happened last night with him and it amazes me how it is his normal to be everything so many guys I meet just aren't. Maybe no guy ever has been like him. All the things I want and am with anyone else, he is too. Do I know where we are going? No, but we're going somewhere. We already started walking down our path and starting our story. The not knowing is two things.....nice to think of the possibilities and a little scary because you want it but really, does anyone know what the future with someone ends up being? No.
Other stuff......got to talk with Scott about Dee and tattoos. Got to talk to Misty about what has been going on with us both. Jimmy & Ben. Going down soon to stay the weekend with them all. Just like that, after eight years, things are back the way they used to be and I got something back so important to me. I used to go spend the night down there and we all used to congregate somewhere and just hang out. Some of the best times ever.
I realized a lot this weekend about a lot of things. One more step was taken to get back to where I once was but it is different this time.
Last night rates right up there with every other night I consider to be on the best list of nights.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Think of me, I'll never break you heart Think of me, you're always in the dark
Too many thoughts just go round and round my mind.
Music is everything to me and it is always there. I'm constantly finding the right songs for me....new songs I've never heard. Getting new meanings of songs I already know. Music says it all.
P!nk show this week....front row. So glad to see Eva (her bass guitar player). Reminders of the days she was dating a friend of mine and little hole in the wall downstair bars in Venice, California with the tiniest stages ever. Talks in the bathroom. She was playing with my favorite musician of all time just for fun and because she was dating one of his guitar players and now I see her at P!NK shows. Weirdness.
Songs live are always so much better than listening to them in your car, on your phone, on your stereo, or on the radio.
Two things are sad.......something that used to be so amazing and beyond exciting still make me totally happy but not to the extent it used to......and that I'm having to plan things like that on a regular basis just to make it through every day.
Lyrics meaning things to me right now.....
Think of me, I'll never break your heart
Think of me, you're always in the dark
I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear
What about love? What about trust?
I'm trouble....
You thought you were right but you were wrong
All the lyrics to Beautiful Trauma....love it so much I bought the super cute girly shirt with all the lyrics printed on the front of it at the concert.
I'll tell you a story before it tells itself
I'll lay out all my reasons
You say that I need help
We all got expectations and sometimes they go wrong
But no one listens to me so I put it in this song
They tell me think with my head not that thing in my chest
You're the one I want
You're the one I need
You're the one I had
So come on back to me
Babe, you're so young and pretty
But you're evil....you ought to know
Now let's talk Normal vs Your Normal. I'm not into boring normal or fake normal or fake anything. Your Normal doesn't have to be like the world's normal at all. Your world doesn't have to have limits that you've got up around you where you pick and choose who comes in. My world has room for anyone new at any time I meet them....if they're right for me. It is like a rubber band....stretching to include anyone I want. I can talk to anyone and these days I'm just honest. I don't mince words in personal relationships although I'm over professional at work. It is a little or a lot shocking to some and that is so hilarious to me because you have to know me awhile to truly know me. I just keep the trueness of me to myself most the time. But the best thing is that the people I have let truly know me make things amazing. You should get to be yourself but what you don't get to do is use the excuse of "I'm just being me" to hurt anyone else. Being yourself isn't going to hurt anyone else unless you're a major rude jerk of an asshole who thinks hurting others is being yourself because being yourself means you have no manners or common sense that being yourself is not supposed to be a selfish thing. I'm 100% myself all the time and I don't hurt anyone or act like some rude selfish jerk by being myself.
G always calls us weird. Weird times, weird adventures, weird talks, weird places we end up, weird things we do.....he just says we're weird. It is just a word for us......some would think the things we say, do, and have done are weird. But to us they're just crazy fun. Every single crazy thing that has gone down between us and with us doing what we wanted isn't anything I'd trade...... even the times we've been mad at each other. When he's got that look in his eyes with that serious face and that twitch in his cheek and he just lets me get mad at him and he takes it all in. He lets me run my mouth and say what I need to get out. Then next thing you know things are back to being us. That is part of being us. These times with him will always be the best in my life....past and present ones. It all started one spring when I was young, naive, and definitely not jaded when I walked back to where I was living at the time from where I'd been through all the white spring time flowers being blown all around off the trees. That is a beautiful time of year and he was on my mind even though it had been six months since that day he'd walked me home from his place to see something in my place. So I caught a few of those flowers and wrote him a letter telling him I was thinking of him and catching him up and I put the flowers in the envelope in the middle of the letter. Two days letter I get a letter back saying that was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life.....getting my letter and the flowers just releasing their scent into the air when he opened it. Just something little I thought to do that ended up meaning so much to someone else, surprisingly. Kind of the way just getting one rose is better than a dozen and having someone hold your hand and just turning to smile at you is better than any present. I'd never call him normal but he is his own normal and his own normal is wonderful. He'd say "right back at you" if I said that to him because I have my own normal too and he's one of the few that know me 100%.
I love more than anything that there are people in this world who don't have a selfish bone in their bodies.....they're open to anything. They revel in getting to know you and they accept you. You're losing out if you aren't that way.....if you're too into yourself, if you think more of yourself than you should, and basically just conceited people like you're God's gift to anyone you let in. Not the way it works with the "weird normal" people I love.
I write all this because of G and because once upon a time about 15 years ago I met people online in a chat room on a band's website that I loved. Then after awhile of being at the same shows of this band we made a point of not keeping to ourselves and that was one special night....meeting the people you'd been talking to. Things change unfortunately and we're not that group we once were. You could blame a person or two for ruining that or you could just accept that's the way it is. But this weekend I get a little of that back. My band got back together and I guess the true diehards will enjoy one more night with them without knowing at all anything that will happen that night because that is us.....spontaneous crazy fun.
I also write this because of the people who put me in a box, never bothered to get to know me, decided I was this person they made up in their head that is nothing like me, and just never bothered to try to know me. One day you might realize that was a mistake for one reason or another but oh well, when I'm done, I'm done.
As I said at Lisa's memorial I had to do last weekend at Sorority District meeting......
Life is hard. Life is messy. Life can be depressing. Life can be devastating at times. Life is a lot of things. But what I always will remember is that the last day of our girl's weekend last year on Memorial Day weekend, Lisa bought a shirt that said "Life is Good".
Music is everything to me and it is always there. I'm constantly finding the right songs for me....new songs I've never heard. Getting new meanings of songs I already know. Music says it all.
P!nk show this week....front row. So glad to see Eva (her bass guitar player). Reminders of the days she was dating a friend of mine and little hole in the wall downstair bars in Venice, California with the tiniest stages ever. Talks in the bathroom. She was playing with my favorite musician of all time just for fun and because she was dating one of his guitar players and now I see her at P!NK shows. Weirdness.
Songs live are always so much better than listening to them in your car, on your phone, on your stereo, or on the radio.
Two things are sad.......something that used to be so amazing and beyond exciting still make me totally happy but not to the extent it used to......and that I'm having to plan things like that on a regular basis just to make it through every day.
Lyrics meaning things to me right now.....
Think of me, I'll never break your heart
Think of me, you're always in the dark
I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear
What about love? What about trust?
I'm trouble....
You thought you were right but you were wrong
All the lyrics to Beautiful Trauma....love it so much I bought the super cute girly shirt with all the lyrics printed on the front of it at the concert.
I'll tell you a story before it tells itself
I'll lay out all my reasons
You say that I need help
We all got expectations and sometimes they go wrong
But no one listens to me so I put it in this song
They tell me think with my head not that thing in my chest
You're the one I want
You're the one I need
You're the one I had
So come on back to me
Babe, you're so young and pretty
But you're evil....you ought to know
Now let's talk Normal vs Your Normal. I'm not into boring normal or fake normal or fake anything. Your Normal doesn't have to be like the world's normal at all. Your world doesn't have to have limits that you've got up around you where you pick and choose who comes in. My world has room for anyone new at any time I meet them....if they're right for me. It is like a rubber band....stretching to include anyone I want. I can talk to anyone and these days I'm just honest. I don't mince words in personal relationships although I'm over professional at work. It is a little or a lot shocking to some and that is so hilarious to me because you have to know me awhile to truly know me. I just keep the trueness of me to myself most the time. But the best thing is that the people I have let truly know me make things amazing. You should get to be yourself but what you don't get to do is use the excuse of "I'm just being me" to hurt anyone else. Being yourself isn't going to hurt anyone else unless you're a major rude jerk of an asshole who thinks hurting others is being yourself because being yourself means you have no manners or common sense that being yourself is not supposed to be a selfish thing. I'm 100% myself all the time and I don't hurt anyone or act like some rude selfish jerk by being myself.
G always calls us weird. Weird times, weird adventures, weird talks, weird places we end up, weird things we do.....he just says we're weird. It is just a word for us......some would think the things we say, do, and have done are weird. But to us they're just crazy fun. Every single crazy thing that has gone down between us and with us doing what we wanted isn't anything I'd trade...... even the times we've been mad at each other. When he's got that look in his eyes with that serious face and that twitch in his cheek and he just lets me get mad at him and he takes it all in. He lets me run my mouth and say what I need to get out. Then next thing you know things are back to being us. That is part of being us. These times with him will always be the best in my life....past and present ones. It all started one spring when I was young, naive, and definitely not jaded when I walked back to where I was living at the time from where I'd been through all the white spring time flowers being blown all around off the trees. That is a beautiful time of year and he was on my mind even though it had been six months since that day he'd walked me home from his place to see something in my place. So I caught a few of those flowers and wrote him a letter telling him I was thinking of him and catching him up and I put the flowers in the envelope in the middle of the letter. Two days letter I get a letter back saying that was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life.....getting my letter and the flowers just releasing their scent into the air when he opened it. Just something little I thought to do that ended up meaning so much to someone else, surprisingly. Kind of the way just getting one rose is better than a dozen and having someone hold your hand and just turning to smile at you is better than any present. I'd never call him normal but he is his own normal and his own normal is wonderful. He'd say "right back at you" if I said that to him because I have my own normal too and he's one of the few that know me 100%.
I love more than anything that there are people in this world who don't have a selfish bone in their bodies.....they're open to anything. They revel in getting to know you and they accept you. You're losing out if you aren't that way.....if you're too into yourself, if you think more of yourself than you should, and basically just conceited people like you're God's gift to anyone you let in. Not the way it works with the "weird normal" people I love.
I write all this because of G and because once upon a time about 15 years ago I met people online in a chat room on a band's website that I loved. Then after awhile of being at the same shows of this band we made a point of not keeping to ourselves and that was one special night....meeting the people you'd been talking to. Things change unfortunately and we're not that group we once were. You could blame a person or two for ruining that or you could just accept that's the way it is. But this weekend I get a little of that back. My band got back together and I guess the true diehards will enjoy one more night with them without knowing at all anything that will happen that night because that is us.....spontaneous crazy fun.
I also write this because of the people who put me in a box, never bothered to get to know me, decided I was this person they made up in their head that is nothing like me, and just never bothered to try to know me. One day you might realize that was a mistake for one reason or another but oh well, when I'm done, I'm done.
As I said at Lisa's memorial I had to do last weekend at Sorority District meeting......
Life is hard. Life is messy. Life can be depressing. Life can be devastating at times. Life is a lot of things. But what I always will remember is that the last day of our girl's weekend last year on Memorial Day weekend, Lisa bought a shirt that said "Life is Good".
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Present and Past
I've said it before. I have to make myself go every day. The only day I truly enjoy is Saturday....not that I don't have happy moments other days of the week but still.
Then there was today. Nothing is as good as being there when karma goes down on those who truly deserve it. It is good when you know you had a hand in it but it might be better when you didn't......you are just a witness to it. Welcome to my day today. Loved all that came out in the Cohen hearing too. Made my day.
That FB memories thing/on this day thing gets you every time. Today's treat:
Carrabelle Beach Trip......Angel, Natalie, and me
Natalie's mom had a beach trailer on Carrabelle Island. For remembrance's sake...... Natalie came and picked me up. I was wearing my "Fuck Your Bad Vibes" shirt because that was the mood with a normal hoodie over it to zip up when needed. We called ourselves the Gone Girls. Met up with Angel near where she lived down south where her hubby brought her to meet up with us. She had Skinny Pop as a snack for the car ride. First time I got turned onto it. Natalie drove of course...she always has to drive. Chick fil a for dinner. Kind of late when we got there but not too bad. This was the trip of the cheesy or not horror movies. You'd have to be there but Angel named the house that night the Knick Knack House of Horrors. Oh, the laughter. The silliness and craziness that only goes on when you're with your best friends on a road trip/vaca. It hadn't been long since Angel had been told she was in remission from her leukemia. However, she was sick one day while we were down there and we didn't know it then but her cancer was back. She just wasn't going to the doctor and wasn't telling anyone. Maybe she wanted to have some normal for a few months.
I text Natalie that four years ago we were at Carrabelle and she texts me back that she just randomly found the pictures she got developed for us from that trip today but didn't realize it had been four years.
We talked about Angel for a minute. Her funeral was a bad day. I've never seen Natalie like that before. Eyes and face swollen....no smile....and such a look of despair, I guess you'd say, on her face all day. She left pretty fast after the graveside service and didn't go to the church for food. She called me and texted me later that night. The little mess had driven to Alabama drinking the whole way to see Brian, her ex. Don't ask. I stayed up late on the phone with her getting her through that one while she sat at his kitchen table trying to get sober. All that after Clara and I had been to the Butch concert that night. Things end up funny. I thought we were behind the orchestra pit but nope, we were in it. Second row center....I needed that and I guess I was cried out because not a single song made me cry for a change.
Several significant things to think about tonight because of this memory popping up.
Should have known at the church for food about two of the people with me that I no longer am friends with. When I went up to talk to Angel's mom she started crying when she was telling me things Angel had said about me and what I meant to her. So, I started crying. T asked me later why I cried at all that day. Hello, should have known right then and there about her. Little Ms. No Feelings which I really came to find out later. Then N was too concerned about taking home plates of as much food as she could. Don't remember her crying either. So, Natalie, Clara, and I were the only ones who actually felt something that day?? Whatever......
What I told Nat tonight.....
You know one of the things I miss about Angel the most is you could always talk to her and count on good feedback that made sense when you needed it most.
And I always tried to be more like her. She was more patient, more tolerable, and a lot more but she just had a way of accepting things people did without thinking they were about her. Except when she threw the guy's Christmas present in the ditch that time. LOL
And it was like she knew when you needed someone to say or do something nice to or for you and she just did it. Surprise!
It's a shame we don't do much together anymore Nat. Like we had to have Angel to bring us together and we don't!
I think things would have been a lot different the past three years had Angel been still alive. I know they would have been.
Angel is definitely one of the most caring and kind people I've ever known but she was not boring and she certainly did stick up for herself. She believed in herself and others too. Why I always wanted to be more like her.......
I doubt it though. No one could be her. I'd like to think one day I meet someone like her though because with someone like that who is so caring and kind it brings it out in you. After my dad died, many times when I'd try to be by myself somehow she knew and she found me where I went. I want to meet someone else like her because she made it so easy to do anything for her because she did anything for you. We never had one single fight. It was just always good. Laughing, fun, crazy and just good. I used to be the one who was like that with others no matter what in my teens and early/mid twenties but then you meet up with other people who don't want that or appreciate it and you learn to not be that way. You want to be. I still want to be sometimes with some people but it just makes you feel stupid and taken advantage of when they treat you like crap and take advantage of that. So, how did she make it through life still staying that way and not letting it change her when others didn't like it because she was that way? That's the question.
I don't know but I will hold on to what G said to me a couple of weeks ago when we were talking about the sixth months I took care of my mom all by myself. He says I'm exceptional. Somebody sees it anyway. He isn't the only one but he said it at a time I needed to hear it. Hell, right now I need nothing but nice and caring and kind and please, please, please don't think you're bringing your crazy ass around me if that isn't you. I might not appreciate it but it is you who will suffer for it. I will always make sure, if I care at all, that you will go through bad things like you've never known and you WILL feel worse than you ever made me feel. And I will enjoy every second of it. I won't be sorry either. But then if I just don't care, you're just dead to me. Karma can have you then because everyone gets theirs.
Then there was today. Nothing is as good as being there when karma goes down on those who truly deserve it. It is good when you know you had a hand in it but it might be better when you didn't......you are just a witness to it. Welcome to my day today. Loved all that came out in the Cohen hearing too. Made my day.
That FB memories thing/on this day thing gets you every time. Today's treat:
Carrabelle Beach Trip......Angel, Natalie, and me
Natalie's mom had a beach trailer on Carrabelle Island. For remembrance's sake...... Natalie came and picked me up. I was wearing my "Fuck Your Bad Vibes" shirt because that was the mood with a normal hoodie over it to zip up when needed. We called ourselves the Gone Girls. Met up with Angel near where she lived down south where her hubby brought her to meet up with us. She had Skinny Pop as a snack for the car ride. First time I got turned onto it. Natalie drove of course...she always has to drive. Chick fil a for dinner. Kind of late when we got there but not too bad. This was the trip of the cheesy or not horror movies. You'd have to be there but Angel named the house that night the Knick Knack House of Horrors. Oh, the laughter. The silliness and craziness that only goes on when you're with your best friends on a road trip/vaca. It hadn't been long since Angel had been told she was in remission from her leukemia. However, she was sick one day while we were down there and we didn't know it then but her cancer was back. She just wasn't going to the doctor and wasn't telling anyone. Maybe she wanted to have some normal for a few months.
I text Natalie that four years ago we were at Carrabelle and she texts me back that she just randomly found the pictures she got developed for us from that trip today but didn't realize it had been four years.
We talked about Angel for a minute. Her funeral was a bad day. I've never seen Natalie like that before. Eyes and face swollen....no smile....and such a look of despair, I guess you'd say, on her face all day. She left pretty fast after the graveside service and didn't go to the church for food. She called me and texted me later that night. The little mess had driven to Alabama drinking the whole way to see Brian, her ex. Don't ask. I stayed up late on the phone with her getting her through that one while she sat at his kitchen table trying to get sober. All that after Clara and I had been to the Butch concert that night. Things end up funny. I thought we were behind the orchestra pit but nope, we were in it. Second row center....I needed that and I guess I was cried out because not a single song made me cry for a change.
Several significant things to think about tonight because of this memory popping up.
Should have known at the church for food about two of the people with me that I no longer am friends with. When I went up to talk to Angel's mom she started crying when she was telling me things Angel had said about me and what I meant to her. So, I started crying. T asked me later why I cried at all that day. Hello, should have known right then and there about her. Little Ms. No Feelings which I really came to find out later. Then N was too concerned about taking home plates of as much food as she could. Don't remember her crying either. So, Natalie, Clara, and I were the only ones who actually felt something that day?? Whatever......
What I told Nat tonight.....
You know one of the things I miss about Angel the most is you could always talk to her and count on good feedback that made sense when you needed it most.
And I always tried to be more like her. She was more patient, more tolerable, and a lot more but she just had a way of accepting things people did without thinking they were about her. Except when she threw the guy's Christmas present in the ditch that time. LOL
And it was like she knew when you needed someone to say or do something nice to or for you and she just did it. Surprise!
It's a shame we don't do much together anymore Nat. Like we had to have Angel to bring us together and we don't!
I think things would have been a lot different the past three years had Angel been still alive. I know they would have been.
Angel is definitely one of the most caring and kind people I've ever known but she was not boring and she certainly did stick up for herself. She believed in herself and others too. Why I always wanted to be more like her.......
I doubt it though. No one could be her. I'd like to think one day I meet someone like her though because with someone like that who is so caring and kind it brings it out in you. After my dad died, many times when I'd try to be by myself somehow she knew and she found me where I went. I want to meet someone else like her because she made it so easy to do anything for her because she did anything for you. We never had one single fight. It was just always good. Laughing, fun, crazy and just good. I used to be the one who was like that with others no matter what in my teens and early/mid twenties but then you meet up with other people who don't want that or appreciate it and you learn to not be that way. You want to be. I still want to be sometimes with some people but it just makes you feel stupid and taken advantage of when they treat you like crap and take advantage of that. So, how did she make it through life still staying that way and not letting it change her when others didn't like it because she was that way? That's the question.
I don't know but I will hold on to what G said to me a couple of weeks ago when we were talking about the sixth months I took care of my mom all by myself. He says I'm exceptional. Somebody sees it anyway. He isn't the only one but he said it at a time I needed to hear it. Hell, right now I need nothing but nice and caring and kind and please, please, please don't think you're bringing your crazy ass around me if that isn't you. I might not appreciate it but it is you who will suffer for it. I will always make sure, if I care at all, that you will go through bad things like you've never known and you WILL feel worse than you ever made me feel. And I will enjoy every second of it. I won't be sorry either. But then if I just don't care, you're just dead to me. Karma can have you then because everyone gets theirs.
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
A Million Dreams
I close my eyes and I can see
The world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy
We can live in a world that we design
Somehow this has become my lyrics from this song
Dreams I'm focused on have taken root in all five senses.
Sight......I picture the colors of the sky blending into the colors of the ocean the way they do at sunset. I picture the almost other worldly terrain in canyons that are everywhere there. I picture I no not....yet....that is my own with colors and rooms and outside areas I love....cuteness. I picture that B on the side of the hill. I picture a million things I dream about now because I'm not there experiencing it.
Sound......honking of horns mostly.....lol. The sounds of the waves crashing either against the rocks loudly in some places or gently against the sand. The sounds from The Hollywood Bowl if you're close enough to it to hear whatever bands are playing. The absolute quietness of the cemeteries, especially Hollywood Forever, with the occasional noice those peacocks make. Imani's voice and her crazy way of blurting out anything that is so funny. The laughter of two little girls I consider my nieces. Jen's giggle that just bubbles over.
Touch......the cool sand under your feet. Boards on the boardwalk when you walk down to the end barefoot. Fingers and toes in the sand and in the ocean. Hugs from the people I love there. Holding hands.
Taste........lobster macaroni. Sugar free red velvet cupcakes. Those blueberry almold protein bars I love. In N Out Burger. BJ's. Cali mexican food.
Smell.....the way the trees smell in Topanga Canyon. Always the way the beach smells. In N Out Burger smell a mile away from one. The smell while you're walking through the Venice Canal neighborhood. Weird but the smell of the sun....especially in the winter.
That's just a few and there are so many more that I take note of when I'm there.
We can live in a world we design and I know what it won't have and I know what it will have.
Everyday I get drug down by the craziest stuff ever. I leave feeling horrible. How I wish I could just block it out and it not matter. At least I can just put it out of my mind and away it goes. I can do that with everything these days except for one thing. I come home and I either can't function or I'm over hyper throwing things away and cleaning like mad. I dread going the next morning. I listen to music on the way that puts me in the best mood ever. At night I dream of the way some feel when they touch me. It lulls me to sleep with good dreams.
The past few years I've had to remember something....no problem and no setback is forever. I drown in my sorrows for a little bit but if there is one thing I've learned it is that there is no problem that I can't work out. So, I stand straight and tall again and I let my brain do the work and my fingers do the research if needed and I figure it out.
I plan escapes because if I didn't I think I might go crazy. Front rom P!NK tickets in two weeks. St. Patty's Day weekend...hotel room....crazy friends.....the random who knows what will happen. Cali in April....interviews & house hunting. The best ever will be walking out on that last day with my best friend, SUV packed to the brim with beach stuff and just being one with the waves, sounds of the ocean, and smells of the beach. Not thinking of anything but raspberry cosmos, prosecco, seafood for every meal, shopping, and never having to see those faces again. May our trip this year not involve rest areas and 911 calls and the New Yorker cussing strange men out and guns that belong to us. LOL She told me this week our iife should be a reality show and sometimes I believe her.
This...
I close my eyes and I can see
The world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy
We can live in a world that we design
I want to sing every word with P!NK in two weeks and mean them all. I hope she sings that. I want to sing Who Knew teary-eyed with her because that is my song. Front row....she always touches the people front row, takes things from them, sometimes signs stuff, and sometimes talks to them. I want it all. I want her and Justin to sit on stools and sing Time After Time but the only time I saw that was in Melbourne, Australia. I want to see her sing and do the performance to Sober the closest I've ever seen it. I want to buy my shirt I wish I'd bought last time.
Still peaceful. Went to see my dad at the cemetery over the weekend I think. Busy day there so didn't just get to sit and have a conversation with him and yes, he communicates back even though I can't hear him out loud. I used to talk to my mom too but it was never anything good or nice so I just don't anymore.
Funny thing was, I had one of those dreams again about us all as a family again but with the knowledge I know now. If it is real, then something I hoped for is going on. If it is true, then evil little me is glad. One of my favorite songs has a line in it "Babe, you're so young and pretty but you're evil, you ought to know." that I claim.
My world I design is being formed right now.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Pictures
Around three years ago I was looking at boxes and boxes and a closet shelf full of photo albums.....some from the 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and on up until the digital age hit and now all my pictures are on my computer or phone. Both my parents had passed away and way too much stuff somehow found it's way into my house including a massive amount of picture albums and boxes and boxes of pictures in those nice little paper sleeves with the negatives included.
Everyday, this world gets more crazy.
So began a huge undertaking. I just happened to see these picture holders at The Container Store(I'm addicted to it). They hold 1,000 pictures a box at least, I think. They have 10 or 12 little boxes inside a bigger box in all different colors. Best thing ever. So I began the task of removing all those pictures from old skinny plastic picture albums and those paper sleeves, sorting through them, making a stack for certain people who would like my parents' old pictures, throwing some away, and then storing the ones I wanted to keep inside the little containers and then all of them in the big containers.
Getting ready to move has been more of an undertaking this time around that it seemed to be last time (things bred in my closets and garage....I swear). Don't ask me how all this shit I'm putting in my storage cube is going to fit into my new place since I'm downsizing majorly. So, last night I was going through these boxes in one of my spare bedrooms....throwing stuff away and packing up things I was keeping when damn it, I found a whole other huge box of pictures I forgot about that I now will be spending hours upon hours putting in The Container Store boxes which means I will also have to buy more of the storage containers now. Sigh
But I'm been thinking of pictures lately anyway so this just got my thoughts going in some new places.
Three years ago as I began to go through all these pictures, I threw away massive amount of pictures. Not only did I throw them away but I also took great pleasure in ripping the ones I was throwing away into little pieces or bit pieces but the ripping was a necessity....it felt good....much better than just tossing the pictures of people I believe I'd punch in the face as hard as I could if given the chance. That's how I felt at the time anyway. I'm past that now or so you would think.
A month or so ago I guess I realized something else I needed to purge. After a lifetime of wondering how you get closure, I figured it out one night. It just hit me really. As long as you are holding onto ANY reminders which can be pictures, notes or letters written to you, dried rose petals, etc. to hold on to someone and something you used to have or THOUGHT you had, then you will never have closure. So, I got out all the reminders including some birthday or Christmas presents too and I tossed them into a garbage bag and then I took my garbage down to the room all my photo albums are in and I got every picture out of this person I wanted erased forever from my life and I did that thing I've learned to do. If I'm in it, rip it so I get to keep the picture of me but the person is gone. Then I did rip those pictures or pieces of pictures into pieces before putting them in the garbage bag with the rest of the stuff. When I was done, I took the garbage bag out to the garbage can. Then the next day after work I put out the garbage for pick up the next day. Like those times three years ago or two years or even one year I stood at a window looking out at that garbage can sitting on the curb waiting for the trash man to come and get and I thought......you could go get some of the things you threw away and continue to keep them as reminders even though it wouldn't be the pictures you could do that with. But I didn't do it once. So, closure has been mine with different people and all the myriad of memories these things I threw out were constant reminders of. Gone....it is a very weird thing when pictures and mementos are no longer there that you've kept for years because you were some sentimental idiot who thought one day I might be glad I have these....what ifs you know. It is still a little odd that everything is gone that was a reminder of this one person (the most recent person I disposed of reminders of). Still stuck in my mind though.
Which brings me to tonight's thoughts about pictures. If all these many boxes, albums, and sleeves of photos were gone would I miss them? Aren't the most important ones in my mind (unfortunately, depending on who was in them). Personally, I'm about to the place where the thought of packing all the boxes to take to storage just makes me what to chuck them all. Too much shit!!
Over the past three years ago a lot of people walked away from me and right out of my life.....people I'd known my entire life, people I'd known since I was 5 years old, and on up through adulthood. See, once you stop being the one who keeps in touch and plans every damn thing you and your group do, you see who really is your friend. You also see when your life is about these things: work, going straight to whatever hospital or rehab center your mother is in, doing for her all afternoon and evening, leaving after she falls asleep, running as long and hard as you can once you're home, and the random sleep when you can get it. But the people you thought were your closest friends (some of them) offer no support and in one person's case, the bitch actually called me and woke me up from much needed sleep to accuse me of doing something I didn't even do. Like she had no fucking clue that the only thing I was doing was taking care of my mom and working, eating, and sleeping when I could. She also wouldn't leave me alone one night when the heart doctor was trying to talk to me about tests he'd done on my mom. Exactly why I don't have an ounce of care for her anymore. But then there is a list of others. One who ditched me in the weirdest way October of 2017 for no reason I can figure out still to this day and she refuses to explain decided last weekend she's going to tell me AGAIN that she is waiting for me to make my way back to her. WHAT? I'm not going into that but I wasn't the one who walked away for no good reason and I wasn't the one who ignored her the way she did me. It is hard not to want what you had back. But once again, she couldn't find or make the time for me to really talk about this. I waited for two days because she said she was calling me...she needed to talk to me and not through text only to have her never call. But this whole time I thought about this.
I've found my peace and I've made it with things I can't control. I'm actually happy with the exception of one aspect of my life that I am changing in 63 days. She had me really getting anxious and upset on Sunday when I was trying to study for a huge test I was taking Monday morning for new certification. So, I thought about it and I thought, "No thanks!". Forget waiting on her to call. All it was doing was ruining my peacefulness and happiness and no one gets to do that. So, I just blocked her in every way I could so she can't ever get in touch with me again.
And so now I realized at some point I will go back through all those pictures and discard the ones of her as well.
That trash can sits out at the curb again tonight waiting for the trash man to get everything in it tomorrow and with that stuff gone, I will be just a little more free of things from the past I just don't want in my life. The best thing in this world for me is freedom.....to do what I want with who I want where I want. It is being able to pick up and move anywhere in the world I want. It is being able to not care. It is being able to be glad certain people are gone for good out of my life and to be able to keep them from ever "finding" me very shortly. It is knowing with 200% certainly I wouldn't give these people the time of day if they did manage to come around me again. It is having the money to make anything I want to happen actually happen.
I'm kind of thinking pictures are a little bit stupid tonight since I've been throwing so many away and then keeping all these I feel like I "should" keep. It gives me great pleasure to think of all those pictures I tore into pieces and threw away somewhere under dirt in a landfill exactly where they belong. Dirt is too good for some of the people in those pictures.
Randomly.....I read an article tonight about how Dr. Seuss and his books/characters were really racist and we should stop reading them to kids. I read all the specific examples and for the life of me, I just don't see how him or his books were racist.
Another stupid thing I read today.......the whole "black face" thing is running rampant because of those political men of whatever state but hopefully this thing I read today was just a joke. I think it was because someone said women should stop using charcoal masks on their faces to clean their pores. Um no, just deep cleaning my face when I use mine.......no racism there.
Everyday, this world gets more crazy.
The marine (?) who was planning a terrorist attack on democrats and news groups because they speak their mind about that orange cheeto we call president who was caught by the FBI today. Really??????
This is what we have become........
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