Think of me, I'll never break you heart Think of me, you're always in the dark

Too many thoughts just go round and round my mind.  

Music is everything to me and it is always there.  I'm constantly finding the right songs for me....new songs I've never heard.  Getting new meanings of songs I already know.  Music says it all.  

P!nk show this week....front row.  So glad to see Eva (her bass guitar player).  Reminders of the days she was dating a friend of mine and little hole in the wall downstair bars in Venice, California with the tiniest stages ever.  Talks in the bathroom.  She was playing with my favorite musician of all time just for fun and because she was dating one of his guitar players and now I see her at P!NK shows.  Weirdness.

Songs live are always so much better than listening to them in your car, on your phone, on your stereo, or on the radio.  

Two things are sad.......something that used to be so amazing and beyond exciting still make me totally happy but not to the extent it used to......and that I'm having to plan things like that on a regular basis just to make it through every day.  

Lyrics meaning things to me right now.....

Think of me, I'll never break your heart
Think of me, you're always in the dark

I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear

What about love? What about trust?

I'm trouble....
You thought you were right but you were wrong

All the lyrics to Beautiful Trauma....love it so much I bought the super cute girly shirt with all the lyrics printed on the front of it at the concert.  

I'll tell you a story before it tells itself
I'll lay out all my reasons
You say that I need help
We all got expectations and sometimes they go wrong
But no one listens to me so I put it in this song
They tell me think with my head not that thing in my chest

You're the one I want
You're the one I need
You're the one I had
So come on back to me
Babe, you're so young and pretty
But you're evil....you ought to know

Now let's talk Normal vs Your Normal.  I'm not into boring normal or fake normal or fake anything.  Your Normal doesn't have to be like the world's normal at all.  Your world doesn't have to have limits that you've got up around you where you pick and choose who comes in.  My world has room for anyone new at any time I meet them....if they're right for me.  It is like a rubber band....stretching to include anyone I want. I can talk to anyone and these days I'm just honest.  I don't mince words in personal relationships although I'm over professional at work. It is a little or a lot shocking to some and that is so hilarious to me because you have to know me awhile to truly know me.  I just keep the trueness of me to myself most the time.  But the best thing is that the people I have let truly know me make things amazing.  You should get to be yourself but what you don't get to do is use the excuse of "I'm just being me" to hurt anyone else.  Being yourself isn't going to hurt anyone else unless you're a major rude jerk of an asshole who thinks hurting others is being yourself because being yourself means you have no manners or common sense that being yourself is not supposed to be a selfish thing.  I'm 100% myself all the time and I don't hurt anyone or act like some rude selfish jerk by being myself.  

G always calls us weird.  Weird times, weird adventures, weird talks, weird places we end up, weird things we do.....he just says we're weird.  It is just a word for us......some would think the things we say, do, and have done are weird.  But to us they're just crazy fun.  Every single crazy thing that has gone down between us and with us doing what we wanted isn't anything I'd trade...... even the times we've been mad at each other.  When he's got that look in his eyes with that serious face and that twitch in his cheek and he just lets me get mad at him and he takes it all in.  He lets me run my mouth and say what I need to get out. Then next thing you know things are back to being us.  That is part of being us. These times with him will always be the best in my life....past and present ones. It all started one spring when I was young, naive, and definitely not jaded when I walked back to where I was living at the time from where I'd been through all the white spring time flowers being blown all around off the trees.  That is a beautiful time of year and he was on my mind even though it had been six months since that day he'd walked me home from his place to see something in my place.  So I caught a few of those flowers and wrote him a letter telling him I was thinking of him and catching him up and I put the flowers in the envelope in the middle of the letter.  Two days letter I get a letter back saying that was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life.....getting my letter and the flowers just releasing their scent into the air when he opened it.  Just something little I thought to do that ended up meaning so much to someone else, surprisingly.  Kind of the way just getting one rose is better than a dozen and having someone hold your hand and just turning to smile at you is better than any present.  I'd never call him normal but he is his own normal and his own normal is wonderful.  He'd say "right back at you" if I said that to him because I have my own normal too and he's one of the few that know me 100%.  

I love more than anything that there are people in this world who don't have a selfish bone in their bodies.....they're open to anything.  They revel in getting to know you and they accept you.  You're losing out if you aren't that way.....if you're too into yourself, if you think more of yourself than you should, and basically just conceited people like you're God's gift to anyone you let in.  Not the way it works with the "weird normal" people I love.  

I write all this because of G and because once upon a time about 15 years ago I met people online in a chat room on a band's website that I loved.  Then after awhile of being at the same shows of this band we made a point of not keeping to ourselves and that was one special night....meeting the people you'd been talking to.  Things change unfortunately and we're not that group we once were.  You could blame a person or two for ruining that or you could just accept that's the way it is.  But this weekend I get a little of that back.  My band got back together and I guess the true diehards will enjoy one more night with them without knowing at all anything that will happen that night because that is us.....spontaneous crazy fun.  

I also write this because of the people who put me in a box, never bothered to get to know me, decided I was this person they made up in their head that is nothing like me, and just never bothered to try to know me.  One day you might realize that was a mistake for one reason or another but oh well, when I'm done, I'm done.  

As I said at Lisa's memorial I had to do last weekend at Sorority District meeting......

Life is hard.  Life is messy. Life can be depressing.  Life can be devastating at times.  Life is a lot of things. But what I always will remember is that the last day of our girl's weekend last year on Memorial Day weekend, Lisa bought a shirt that said "Life is Good".