Saturday.....so looking forward to Saturday and Sunday because it will be my first full day on Maui.
I look forward to Saturday because that is the day I fly there. When I get in my room I'm going straight out on the lanai and looking at the view and enjoying 80 degrees. Then I'll unpack if I feel like it. Then freshen up to go out. Dinner at my favorite place.....the Barefoot Beach Bar at the Hula Grill. My favorite drink because it is sugar free and good. Hopefully I'll get a spot on the back of the bar so I can look out at the ocean. Ono for dinner with a caesar salad with both chili water and tartar sauce. Then shopping. I make my own Easter basket and I already have ideas of what I want to go in mine from the stores there in Whaler's Village. Then the sunset. Then hanging out on my lanai enjoying the breezes and sound of the ocean.
Then waking up to Easter Sunday. I'm going over to the Westin Nanea Villas for that awesome breakfast buffet they have. Then pool all day long. Swimming in the ocean, reading my book, and relaxing. Perfect day after day after day.
I'm so ready.......
Monday, March 26, 2018
Sunday, March 25, 2018
The Beginning of the End
Finally, there was this on Friday afternoon:
I couldn't stop smiling. Thursday my dad would have been 70 so I went to the cemetery to visit his grave. Someone else has been there recently and changed out the flowers. Just like that.....it feels like a knife is shoved in my heart and all that pain is there again. Something I hope to avoid when I'm gone from here. Too many reminders. I saw this recently and it really hit home:
That's the truth. Explains a lot right there. Next week I go to my future home to get away and to look for a place to live. I think this time will be different. It won't be a place I'm visiting this time but the place I'm about to belong to for good in the most binding way possible. I won't own it....it already owns me. The worst day there might be the best day I have here these days.
One thing I know....if you didn't give me the time of day here, proved you were nothing more than an acquaintance, or let me down for your own selfishness time and time again you can certainly forget coming out of the wood work when I'm there and expecting ANYTHING. The past is staying exactly where it belongs......here in the past. Time is running out and I'm not holding my breath either.
Some places here I feel the need to say goodbye to. Some people here are already over the wall in that place of goodbye. The rest it isn't goodbye.....just won't see them all the time the way I do now. Our connection and friendship isn't going anywhere.
Last weekend I said goodbye to the place that almost was more of a home than the house I grew up in. But that was just growing up through the years. I grew up as a person when I went away to college. I certainly did not leave the person I came as. Naive, young, not expecting anything really, and definitely having no clue as to what was coming. I left jaded, angry at some things, sorry for a lot, not the innocent believing in everyone anymore, but knowing who I was and what my interests were. Good or bad, I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Some things I might want to have done differently but isn't that just the way life is? If we knew how things would turn out would we make the decisions we do? I know even to this day I would try my best to be less of a black or white type person and try to see the humanity in others that make things more shades of gray than just black or white. One thing I can say is that I never give up. I would try to be more open and forget all the times I really tried that did not get the response expected or wanted. I don't know. You can't change the past but you certainly can navigate your future.
Saying goodbye to that time in my life.....
I see my dorm room window up there. What times and memories we had here.
One of the places you could find us at a whole lot....the Humanities Building. Music was my love even then.
Jan quipped "Paved paradise and put up a parking lot" when we went here. She was right. That was our paradise even though we didn't know it. Used to be a grassy football sized field that we practiced on every day. But it was so much more than than that. That place was the beginning of several dreams for me and things unexpected. Love being one of them, a second chance more than once, laughter, a place where I gained confidence, and so much more. Going back there and started all over again knowing what I know now would be surreal but nice.
I enjoy climbing things these days.....trees, stone walls, banyan tree roots, and this sign apparently.
Can't believe how many years ago since it all began there. How did we get here on this sign all grown up and looking back at our lives.
Moving off campus into this townhome was a life changing thing. Times made a whole new change and everything went in different directions. This is the place I feel like I grew up the most in. The place I still miss sometimes although I know it is that girl I miss the most. That girl that needs to be the best she was with the wisdom the person I am now has.
There is a lot I leave behind in a few short months. It makes you wonder why there are so many people and things you just don't care about but then there are those you can't forget even if they did forget you or they try to anyway. The things you'd say. The things you wish you could say. The things someone would just once give you a chance to say.......that they would just listen and believe. The courage to say those things. I'm not holding my breath but maybe before I leave I might get that?
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Sometimes I wish....
Stuff that's been going on.......
Survived the freaking flu although I'm still eating soup and mushy stuff. My stomach is still not happy.
I did it....I resigned!! Don't know where I'm working next year but it won't be where I'm at and I don't even want to go back but I have to through May anyway.
Next week get my cat's blood work back and he passes and let the process of getting far far away from here get serious!
The summer after my dad died, I had a really good friend who came over every day before lunch and we just left and went and did anything and everything. I couldn't even tell you what we did except for this one day I will never forget. Of course it involves a band.....don't all my best days? We were shopping (our fave thing to do) when I saw a tweet from my fave band at the time that they were going to do a secret show that night for free and they'd give hints all day on twitter. If you figured out where they were playing then show up. Well if you know me then you know I know my music clubs/venues/hole in the walls around ATL. So I got it right away and because my friend was trying to keep me occupied at the time she agreed to go. Got there early cause it did fill up and no one else could get in. So I'm standing at the bar when this guy walks by me and I knew.....lead singer of this band I loved so much. He looks at me and I look at him. It is like you just know you're going to have this future that just keeps going on. It has.
He's made my day/life at the time in so many ways. We've spent this week talking all week and I know I whole lot more about him than I did. Guess he is like me.....it takes a whole lot to get to know me. I owe him big time and he knows it. I've told him. I was going through every day not feeling anything and then there was that secret show his band did and I snapped out of it and felt alive again. Music will do that for you. There was the time we were both in LA at the same time and it was raining which never happens in LA and he got kicked out of his motel room. :) The Christmas I was in Little 5 and he tweeted in 30 minutes they were doing an acoustic show at Criminal Records that was being filmed. The best thing was when he saw me and that smile he had and the hug I got. The time Angel and Kevin and I went to who knows where in a not good part of town and I just will forever keep stuff that night to myself. The night Clara and I road tripped to see them and we got tore up at the bar....him buying me tequila shots and me buying him jager shots. NYE show with Angel and Kevin with new music when he didn't even look like the same person. The St. Patrick's Day show....oh my good gosh. Wild night. Then the Macon show. Way too much wine and tequila and singing our hearts out front row at the stage to our favorite song. Guess that's the last time I saw them before they were just done. Somehow that night ended in a graveyard in the middle of nowhere laying on some guy's grave I didn't even know. Weird but fun times.
The reason I'm thinking about all that is he actually made me miss the way things used to be. Casual. Not knowing how a day would end up or what would happen in it or with who. When did we lose that? When did everything have to be planned? When did you have to rehearse what you wanted to say and even wonder if you should say it? When did honesty become unexpected? When did we stop being able to just be ourselves? When did opening up to someone else become scary? When we got older?
I guess he made me miss innocent unplanned happiness this week.......
Sometimes I wish for that.......
Survived the freaking flu although I'm still eating soup and mushy stuff. My stomach is still not happy.
I did it....I resigned!! Don't know where I'm working next year but it won't be where I'm at and I don't even want to go back but I have to through May anyway.
Next week get my cat's blood work back and he passes and let the process of getting far far away from here get serious!
The summer after my dad died, I had a really good friend who came over every day before lunch and we just left and went and did anything and everything. I couldn't even tell you what we did except for this one day I will never forget. Of course it involves a band.....don't all my best days? We were shopping (our fave thing to do) when I saw a tweet from my fave band at the time that they were going to do a secret show that night for free and they'd give hints all day on twitter. If you figured out where they were playing then show up. Well if you know me then you know I know my music clubs/venues/hole in the walls around ATL. So I got it right away and because my friend was trying to keep me occupied at the time she agreed to go. Got there early cause it did fill up and no one else could get in. So I'm standing at the bar when this guy walks by me and I knew.....lead singer of this band I loved so much. He looks at me and I look at him. It is like you just know you're going to have this future that just keeps going on. It has.
He's made my day/life at the time in so many ways. We've spent this week talking all week and I know I whole lot more about him than I did. Guess he is like me.....it takes a whole lot to get to know me. I owe him big time and he knows it. I've told him. I was going through every day not feeling anything and then there was that secret show his band did and I snapped out of it and felt alive again. Music will do that for you. There was the time we were both in LA at the same time and it was raining which never happens in LA and he got kicked out of his motel room. :) The Christmas I was in Little 5 and he tweeted in 30 minutes they were doing an acoustic show at Criminal Records that was being filmed. The best thing was when he saw me and that smile he had and the hug I got. The time Angel and Kevin and I went to who knows where in a not good part of town and I just will forever keep stuff that night to myself. The night Clara and I road tripped to see them and we got tore up at the bar....him buying me tequila shots and me buying him jager shots. NYE show with Angel and Kevin with new music when he didn't even look like the same person. The St. Patrick's Day show....oh my good gosh. Wild night. Then the Macon show. Way too much wine and tequila and singing our hearts out front row at the stage to our favorite song. Guess that's the last time I saw them before they were just done. Somehow that night ended in a graveyard in the middle of nowhere laying on some guy's grave I didn't even know. Weird but fun times.
The reason I'm thinking about all that is he actually made me miss the way things used to be. Casual. Not knowing how a day would end up or what would happen in it or with who. When did we lose that? When did everything have to be planned? When did you have to rehearse what you wanted to say and even wonder if you should say it? When did honesty become unexpected? When did we stop being able to just be ourselves? When did opening up to someone else become scary? When we got older?
I guess he made me miss innocent unplanned happiness this week.......
Sometimes I wish for that.......
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,
Oh why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue
And I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Singing, "How do you do?"
They really sing, "I...I love you."
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world world
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top
That's where you'll find me
Oh, somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dream that you dare to,
Why, oh why can't I? I?
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,
Oh why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue
And I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Singing, "How do you do?"
They really sing, "I...I love you."
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world world
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top
That's where you'll find me
Oh, somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dream that you dare to,
Why, oh why can't I? I?
Sunday, March 4, 2018
It's a beautiful life, and I've got it in my sights
Stealing from one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands.
Let's start with.....
It's a beautiful sound
When my life comes crashing down
-maybe I'll feel that way some day when I have that beautiful life
It's a beautiful sin, and I'm doin it again
-I don't know if I'd call it a sin but I certainly have a knack for ending up in the same place, different situation, different people
All I can really hope for and promise myself is that finally it is going to be a beautiful life. I do have it in my sights but the doubts and the unknown gets me to believing I won't get there no matter that I want it so badly and it is in my sights. Not only is it in my sights, but every day I do something to work towards getting there and never coming back.
Ever
Let's start with.....
It's a beautiful sound
When my life comes crashing down
-maybe I'll feel that way some day when I have that beautiful life
It's a beautiful sin, and I'm doin it again
-I don't know if I'd call it a sin but I certainly have a knack for ending up in the same place, different situation, different people
All I can really hope for and promise myself is that finally it is going to be a beautiful life. I do have it in my sights but the doubts and the unknown gets me to believing I won't get there no matter that I want it so badly and it is in my sights. Not only is it in my sights, but every day I do something to work towards getting there and never coming back.
Ever
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