Well, all those little darlings that kept coming every day and getting sent home or came back before they were well gave me their ick. I might as well get the complaining over now. Tried to go to the Urgent Care today but it was closed but it is open tomorrow on Christmas Eve. Weird. Tired of catering to these people who act like they think we are babysitters who don't know what we're doing, can't even be considered as a profession, lie because you think we're the only person in the situation who would LIE, think they know how our job works, thinks we only have their little darling to do anything for or about, and our time means nothing. We're there to do whatever they want at any time of day or night. WRONG......
So, I missed what I consider my family Christmas with the S family today. :( I feel better so hopefully tomorrow I'll make it to my friend Christmas get together.
Flash to Christmas Vacation.......I slept a little too long the other night and the turkey probably cooked a little longer than needed. Reminded me of when they cut the turkey open in Christmas Vacation and it sighed and then fell apart and there really was no meat. Mine wasn't that bad but it did sigh when I cut it open. It tasted great though.
I've slept trying to sleep this ick off a lot today. Then there was all the MASH Christmas shows on TV. MASH will always be a favorite show of mine. Can't watch it enough. Watching John Wick now and trying to get some stuff done I said I would do before Christmas. John Wick is a favorite movie.
I need to pack. Mostly, I need to feel like doing everything this vaca involves. It isn't a sit by the pool all day vaca at all. Requires a lot of walking and physical activity. I have to be up for that. At least I'm going somewhere with temps in the 80's and some 70's.
Being sick messes with your mind a little. Today I kept thinking about the one person who would come take care of me at one time. I don't get the discrepancies still to this day. I never will. You know what.....I'll never get the discrepancies at all with people. How they're one way one minute and another way the next. My mind needs to stop going to a place I don't want it to go but really shouldn't everyone know why??
We had a lot of excitement two nights ago in this little town I call home. Most I've ever seen. Craziness but I have to give it to our police every time. They've got it going on. Spike strips down to stop this guy running from the cops in two other counties then one police officer used a pit maneuver to spin the guy's car around to end up against the curb at the Chick fil a. He gets out of his car with a rifle and six of our police open fire and take him down but they didn't shoot to kill. No one hurt but him and he's in the hospital. All because he had a warrant out on him and he ran from a traffic stop two counties over.
Ending this.....all I really want to do is go sit in a hot hot hot bath with good smelling water and have someone sit behind me and rub my shoulders, neck and head and maybe, just maybe, this headache would go away and my neck and shoulders would stop hurting too.
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Friday, December 21, 2018
Nothing is Forever
Crazy busy day today. Somehow managed to get most things done before meeting with M for dinner. Palmer's has new food! Fig Prosciutto Flatbread and a new soup way too much like their spinach artichoke dip. We went our separate ways.....M to a basketball game of course at the high school and me to my nail appointment.
Let's talk Christmas and cooking cause that's what this is about. Kelly's mom cooks on Thanksgiving but Christmas with the S family is finger foods only. I have to have Christmas dinner though so I've gotten into the habit of cooking it using my mom's recipes. I invite all the "misfits" like me with no family/place to go to come eat that I know. This year is different. I went to the store today and got all my ingredients. Left the turkey and strawberries out to thaw while I went to dinner with M and to the nail salon. I'm cooking early since I'm leaving for vaca in a few days. So, I can eat my Christmas dinner for several days before I go and then freeze the rest for later. No misfits are coming this year. S family Christmas is Sunday. Michelle, Marilyn, and I are spending Christmas Eve together at Marilyn's....brunch, champagne, talking, laughter.....maybe movies.....kicking the guys out to do their own thing.
So, here I sit in my dad's pajama pants cinched tight at the waist because they are too big. Just one of the things I took immediately after he died for mine to remember him by. I think the turkey is finally thawed. It gets to cook overnight of course. Made the strawberry nut salad and cornbread dressing. Then comes the three hour wait for the bottom part of the strawberry nut salad to gel while the dressing bakes. My mom used to go to bed and set an alarm. Not me.....started a nice long movie to watch for my three hour wait. I'm not my mother. Thank God. I really realize now that I don't like the smell of raw turkey,
So, if it can happen then it will happen to me. I get the boiling water in the strawberry jello powder and go to add the banana/pineapple mix and just plopped it in there. Strawberry jello splashes everywhere. My mom's recipe for dressing is now half red. Red jello liquid everywhere. I clean up and go to watch my movie only to discover it hit my face and my feet too. You can imagine. Somehow it missed my clothes thankfully. My house smells good. One of the things I always will remember about holidays is falling to sleep to these smells. Waking up to these smells. Hearing my mom get up off and on all night to do things to get the food ready.
I guess it doesn't matter where I'm at.....I can still cook this meal. Nothing is forever. No one knows that better than I do.
It is just bittersweet that one of the year after year memories that was a constant in my life can't be remembered with all the good feelings it should be. It is still a constant reconciliation between what I knew and what I now know was really going on. I guess this is why I do this. It is my memory and like I've said before.......I'm taking the good memories despite the people in them.
Let's talk Christmas and cooking cause that's what this is about. Kelly's mom cooks on Thanksgiving but Christmas with the S family is finger foods only. I have to have Christmas dinner though so I've gotten into the habit of cooking it using my mom's recipes. I invite all the "misfits" like me with no family/place to go to come eat that I know. This year is different. I went to the store today and got all my ingredients. Left the turkey and strawberries out to thaw while I went to dinner with M and to the nail salon. I'm cooking early since I'm leaving for vaca in a few days. So, I can eat my Christmas dinner for several days before I go and then freeze the rest for later. No misfits are coming this year. S family Christmas is Sunday. Michelle, Marilyn, and I are spending Christmas Eve together at Marilyn's....brunch, champagne, talking, laughter.....maybe movies.....kicking the guys out to do their own thing.
So, here I sit in my dad's pajama pants cinched tight at the waist because they are too big. Just one of the things I took immediately after he died for mine to remember him by. I think the turkey is finally thawed. It gets to cook overnight of course. Made the strawberry nut salad and cornbread dressing. Then comes the three hour wait for the bottom part of the strawberry nut salad to gel while the dressing bakes. My mom used to go to bed and set an alarm. Not me.....started a nice long movie to watch for my three hour wait. I'm not my mother. Thank God. I really realize now that I don't like the smell of raw turkey,
So, if it can happen then it will happen to me. I get the boiling water in the strawberry jello powder and go to add the banana/pineapple mix and just plopped it in there. Strawberry jello splashes everywhere. My mom's recipe for dressing is now half red. Red jello liquid everywhere. I clean up and go to watch my movie only to discover it hit my face and my feet too. You can imagine. Somehow it missed my clothes thankfully. My house smells good. One of the things I always will remember about holidays is falling to sleep to these smells. Waking up to these smells. Hearing my mom get up off and on all night to do things to get the food ready.
I guess it doesn't matter where I'm at.....I can still cook this meal. Nothing is forever. No one knows that better than I do.
It is just bittersweet that one of the year after year memories that was a constant in my life can't be remembered with all the good feelings it should be. It is still a constant reconciliation between what I knew and what I now know was really going on. I guess this is why I do this. It is my memory and like I've said before.......I'm taking the good memories despite the people in them.
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Floundering
Something I'm not anymore.....floundering. You can't wait forever for something, and then say it's too late when the time finally comes, even if every shred of incentive inside you has been lost. -TD
I'm going to walk out of here one day and it won't be that long either and it will be like leaving every other place. I miss places. I'll tell you if I can walk out of one place almost three years ago then I can leave any place behind. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, if not the hardest.
That feeling of not knowing yourself that leads to not knowing what direction to take is like free falling, I guess you'd say. Never a compass to point you in the right direction. Never knowing if anything you do is what you're supposed to do. Not knowing what to do so things just happen to you. What I've learned is that when you get to that place where you have no control (even if you think you do) absolutely nothing will work out for you. So you get up every day and you go about your day and you just can't believe what it is made up of. You think you'd do anything at all to get out.....to leave.....to have what you used to.
The knowing yourself is the key. Things can happen in your life that strip you of that. Doesn't matter how sure and self confident you were. Some things you don't get over. Some things never fade but you do learn how to live with them. One day, if you're lucky, you find yourself again even if it isn't the exact person you were. Who knows why or how...it just happens.
I see some people flounder....never knowing which direction is up or down or right or wrong. I see them come up with a "new" idea for their life time after time after none of them ever work. I see and I know how it is to always be the person who knew exactly what they wanted and who they were and then one day you just don't anymore. Everything you do that you think could be right is beyond wrong. Some feel like a failure although I can say I've never felt like a failure ever. I've felt like I was oblivious, didn't pay attention good enough, and other things like that.
Sad thing is that some people have always floundered....their entire life. Oh, but they keep on every day. I'm lucky in that I only had to go through this for a couple of years, although it has felt like a lifetime. I won't be 100% again until what I'm working on now is complete and I have left that behind physically, not just mentally & emotionally. I can't truly leave this behind mentally & emotionally until I do it physically. Even then, I know there will be moments like today when I saw a certain picture that will be like that stake driven through your heart all over again.
But the beauty in leaving it physically is all those places you go to or by that have memories that stab you like a stake in your heart just won't be there anymore. New places I don't even know yet will replace them and they will have their own memories but I doubt they'll ever be the kind that make you feel like your heart is shattering into a thousand pieces. See, no one has that kind of power over me anymore.
You have to keep going.....that is key. I'm glad to see people knocked down get right back up and never let themselves stay down. You have to know yourself but even more important than that you have to be the person you should be too. I have struggled with that. Sometimes you can't be that person you truly are to everyone. But you will know when you are in the presence of someone who deserves the true you, understands the true you, and loves the true you. You can't trust words.....words are fake and they end up not meaning anything most of the time.
Floundering people tend to make the mistake time after time of not recognizing who they should have in their lives. They hurt the people who would be the best for them to have in their lives or they push them away almost as if it is on purpose because it is. Then the person hurt eventually leaves because who wants that kind of unexpected hurt?
Time after time that has been me. Literally one day I will be with someone and we will be talking and connecting and having the best time ever. Then sometimes it takes only hours when that same person stops talking to you, acts totally different, says things that hurt you, and all of that good you had that you believed in from that person is just gone. I no longer stick around. I used to try to get that person and that thing that disappeared without warning or reason back. Now there is this brick wall surrounded by steel walls. Hard core protection. Do those people even know why they did what they did?
I'll never truly know but some of these people this has happened with I can see why. They never knew who they were. They weren't there for themselves so how could they be there for you? More importantly, how could they let anyone be there for them? That's it. "I always believed in you, I just never believed in me."
I would have been there for you without fail always. I never would have done to you what you did to me. You would have only had the best of me forever and always even though things aren't always perfect. But some of the people I say that for and about hurt me so badly that I couldn't just let it go. Sometimes you can but then sometimes the only thing you can do is to make sure that person feels as badly as they made you feel. Then that makes you the bad guy and they conveniently forget what they did to you so they never even consider how badly they hurt you.
I pray I never ever have anyone in my life who does that to me again. Do you know how many people that cut out of my life? Most of them. But quality over quantity I guess.
Where this came from.....I don't know. We all just want to be understood I guess. I get more misunderstood these days than ever before because I've got those walls up. People mistake you protecting yourself for a lot of things that aren't true about you. Who knows who reads this.....29 people it says. Maybe one of them needs to hear these things. Maybe one of them is just like me. Maybe one of them is someone who is one of the ones that hurt me.
Just be authentic to your true self even when you no longer know who that is anymore. Try. Find your new true self. I'd tell you not to flounder lost however I know from being there that you can't control that.
Stop pretending people are who you want them to be. Stop making up these scenarios you want things to be like with people. Really truly give people a chance.....see who they really are. Talk to them....make them talk to you because not everyone tells all about themselves without being sure someone wants to know. Want to know why someone does something....ask. And don't make excuses for people who prove themselves not to be the kind of person you are. Oh, and when someone lets you know they care and shows you they'd always have your back, for whatever reason, don't let that one go.
I'm giving myself advice here but then maybe it is for you too....whoever you are.
I'm going to walk out of here one day and it won't be that long either and it will be like leaving every other place. I miss places. I'll tell you if I can walk out of one place almost three years ago then I can leave any place behind. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, if not the hardest.
That feeling of not knowing yourself that leads to not knowing what direction to take is like free falling, I guess you'd say. Never a compass to point you in the right direction. Never knowing if anything you do is what you're supposed to do. Not knowing what to do so things just happen to you. What I've learned is that when you get to that place where you have no control (even if you think you do) absolutely nothing will work out for you. So you get up every day and you go about your day and you just can't believe what it is made up of. You think you'd do anything at all to get out.....to leave.....to have what you used to.
The knowing yourself is the key. Things can happen in your life that strip you of that. Doesn't matter how sure and self confident you were. Some things you don't get over. Some things never fade but you do learn how to live with them. One day, if you're lucky, you find yourself again even if it isn't the exact person you were. Who knows why or how...it just happens.
I see some people flounder....never knowing which direction is up or down or right or wrong. I see them come up with a "new" idea for their life time after time after none of them ever work. I see and I know how it is to always be the person who knew exactly what they wanted and who they were and then one day you just don't anymore. Everything you do that you think could be right is beyond wrong. Some feel like a failure although I can say I've never felt like a failure ever. I've felt like I was oblivious, didn't pay attention good enough, and other things like that.
Sad thing is that some people have always floundered....their entire life. Oh, but they keep on every day. I'm lucky in that I only had to go through this for a couple of years, although it has felt like a lifetime. I won't be 100% again until what I'm working on now is complete and I have left that behind physically, not just mentally & emotionally. I can't truly leave this behind mentally & emotionally until I do it physically. Even then, I know there will be moments like today when I saw a certain picture that will be like that stake driven through your heart all over again.
But the beauty in leaving it physically is all those places you go to or by that have memories that stab you like a stake in your heart just won't be there anymore. New places I don't even know yet will replace them and they will have their own memories but I doubt they'll ever be the kind that make you feel like your heart is shattering into a thousand pieces. See, no one has that kind of power over me anymore.
You have to keep going.....that is key. I'm glad to see people knocked down get right back up and never let themselves stay down. You have to know yourself but even more important than that you have to be the person you should be too. I have struggled with that. Sometimes you can't be that person you truly are to everyone. But you will know when you are in the presence of someone who deserves the true you, understands the true you, and loves the true you. You can't trust words.....words are fake and they end up not meaning anything most of the time.
Floundering people tend to make the mistake time after time of not recognizing who they should have in their lives. They hurt the people who would be the best for them to have in their lives or they push them away almost as if it is on purpose because it is. Then the person hurt eventually leaves because who wants that kind of unexpected hurt?
Time after time that has been me. Literally one day I will be with someone and we will be talking and connecting and having the best time ever. Then sometimes it takes only hours when that same person stops talking to you, acts totally different, says things that hurt you, and all of that good you had that you believed in from that person is just gone. I no longer stick around. I used to try to get that person and that thing that disappeared without warning or reason back. Now there is this brick wall surrounded by steel walls. Hard core protection. Do those people even know why they did what they did?
I'll never truly know but some of these people this has happened with I can see why. They never knew who they were. They weren't there for themselves so how could they be there for you? More importantly, how could they let anyone be there for them? That's it. "I always believed in you, I just never believed in me."
I would have been there for you without fail always. I never would have done to you what you did to me. You would have only had the best of me forever and always even though things aren't always perfect. But some of the people I say that for and about hurt me so badly that I couldn't just let it go. Sometimes you can but then sometimes the only thing you can do is to make sure that person feels as badly as they made you feel. Then that makes you the bad guy and they conveniently forget what they did to you so they never even consider how badly they hurt you.
I pray I never ever have anyone in my life who does that to me again. Do you know how many people that cut out of my life? Most of them. But quality over quantity I guess.
Where this came from.....I don't know. We all just want to be understood I guess. I get more misunderstood these days than ever before because I've got those walls up. People mistake you protecting yourself for a lot of things that aren't true about you. Who knows who reads this.....29 people it says. Maybe one of them needs to hear these things. Maybe one of them is just like me. Maybe one of them is someone who is one of the ones that hurt me.
Just be authentic to your true self even when you no longer know who that is anymore. Try. Find your new true self. I'd tell you not to flounder lost however I know from being there that you can't control that.
Stop pretending people are who you want them to be. Stop making up these scenarios you want things to be like with people. Really truly give people a chance.....see who they really are. Talk to them....make them talk to you because not everyone tells all about themselves without being sure someone wants to know. Want to know why someone does something....ask. And don't make excuses for people who prove themselves not to be the kind of person you are. Oh, and when someone lets you know they care and shows you they'd always have your back, for whatever reason, don't let that one go.
I'm giving myself advice here but then maybe it is for you too....whoever you are.
Monday, December 17, 2018
Future
Got to hear Grace Potter back at the Topanga Cancer Benefit when she played. She also played some song that night that will be on her new album that was amazing. I can't wait for her new album now just because of that song I don't even know the name of. Everyone there knew who she was.....local famous person there. Guess, I'll know who she is and see her all the time soon too. Now, I'm not a country music person at all but now she is one of four country musicians I make an exception for. So, just because...
Apologies-Grace Potter
Surveying everyone these days about the move. The most recent person pointed out that I put my roots down here. So many others left and went where their life led them. I didn't. Most people do leave their childhood hometown even if it is only to move an hour away. But planting my roots here hasn't left me fulfilled and it just hasn't done it for me. So, it wouldn't matter where I went because it is my time to find my way to my place that fulfills me. Maybe it is where I'm moving and maybe it isn't.~~~~quote from someone who knows me better than most do
Although, I do think it does matter where I go. You would absolutely NEVER find me in a state where it snows and the temp gets below zero on a regular basis. Warm & sunny & easily accessible to the beach only please.
Brings me to think about all the almosts......
I almost ended up living in Italy. Not sure I would have come back from Europe once I'd gotten there. Could have ended up in Washington DC with C but thank God I'm not that stupid to end up with an alcoholic who ended up in rehab and probably jail at some point who thought he was going to be verbally abusive to me every time he drank and not even remember. That would probably be why I'm very sensitive to people who say things that remind me of verbal abuse. No thanks. All that does is get you told off by me. Almost Hawaii but that is still a someday/retirement place.
So, here we are. I guess I get to find out later in life what it is like to follow your dream and not stay where you started out.
When I think about it I always think about disappearing. That I look forward to. Disappearing except to a select few. New phone #. New everything and you share it and you DIE if I tell it to you. LOL
All these people that have not been there, who left with no reason, or no good reason, or because they couldn't handle the truth, etc. well you get what you wanted. She's really gone.
This time I'm not telling anyone but the select few either. So, since I'm not recycling anymore.......you don't have long at all to try to fix what you ruined. I said try.......
Apologies-Grace Potter
Surveying everyone these days about the move. The most recent person pointed out that I put my roots down here. So many others left and went where their life led them. I didn't. Most people do leave their childhood hometown even if it is only to move an hour away. But planting my roots here hasn't left me fulfilled and it just hasn't done it for me. So, it wouldn't matter where I went because it is my time to find my way to my place that fulfills me. Maybe it is where I'm moving and maybe it isn't.~~~~quote from someone who knows me better than most do
Although, I do think it does matter where I go. You would absolutely NEVER find me in a state where it snows and the temp gets below zero on a regular basis. Warm & sunny & easily accessible to the beach only please.
Brings me to think about all the almosts......
I almost ended up living in Italy. Not sure I would have come back from Europe once I'd gotten there. Could have ended up in Washington DC with C but thank God I'm not that stupid to end up with an alcoholic who ended up in rehab and probably jail at some point who thought he was going to be verbally abusive to me every time he drank and not even remember. That would probably be why I'm very sensitive to people who say things that remind me of verbal abuse. No thanks. All that does is get you told off by me. Almost Hawaii but that is still a someday/retirement place.
So, here we are. I guess I get to find out later in life what it is like to follow your dream and not stay where you started out.
When I think about it I always think about disappearing. That I look forward to. Disappearing except to a select few. New phone #. New everything and you share it and you DIE if I tell it to you. LOL
All these people that have not been there, who left with no reason, or no good reason, or because they couldn't handle the truth, etc. well you get what you wanted. She's really gone.
This time I'm not telling anyone but the select few either. So, since I'm not recycling anymore.......you don't have long at all to try to fix what you ruined. I said try.......
Saturday, December 15, 2018
And it wasn't a baby step either
So, here it is Christmas.......one of six holidays or special occasions in a row that the past two years has taken me down.....flattened me out.....depressed me beyond despair. Two years can be a long time. It really feels like longer but maybe it was because it was worse on holidays and special occasions but it was bad all year round.
Then here we are this year. Three years December 19th but that wasn't the situation it is now at all. December 19th was just the catalyst.
This year on Halloween I hit a new place. I wouldn't call it a low but it was more like a distressing situation that occupied every minute with worry and stress and the worst thing.....not knowing. That was a cruel situation and I didn't do it to myself. I owe that one to someone else. But it did something for me nothing else has ever been able to do. It separated me completely from the unnecessary bad that I just don't need and my circle of life where I choose what and who is there. I emerged and everything is different now.
So, I thoroughly enjoy again all the fun situations there are. I am myself in these times again. I've learned to live with that one thing that has taken me out for almost three years now somehow without letting it cripple me and my life anymore.
I'm just thankful I guess.....very thankful and I'm okay knowing that so far I've survived 100% of the bad. That is a winning situation right there. I never stopped fighting.
Yeah, I count the days these days until I can make the change I want to make....until I do not spend every day with people in a way I just don't want to.
I think maybe I'm making my mark and it is a good one. I'm proving that I am worth it and you're about to lose me too. I don't stick around when it is detrimental to me.
I can have that conversation with that person that it was so important to me to get into a good place with again without it mattering the way it use to. We can talk tattoos. I can hear what he has to say about mine that I have and the next one I'm getting. And it can be good but it wasn't something that took me to that place of "what if" anymore. Nice.
Sorry but not sorry. I can't apologize for enjoying other's "bad" things they go through. You weren't there with me through mine and you even added to mine.....forget it. You are on your own. That is the key. You don't give me a reason then I'm not wasting time on caring about anyone who doesn't care about me. Therefore, I enjoy your misfortune. Sorry, not sorry but where were you when I needed you? Did you have to make it worse by being mean, rude, callous, etc.? No, you didn't. I have too many who do anything for me I need. Too many who love me and never left and never will. I met new friends that I was meant to meet and have in my life.
The point is that it might be a baby step in the right direction but to me it honestly feels like the most enormously huge step in the world. I'm happy despite all the things that can make me sad. I can spend a sad conflicted moment thinking about the past but that is all it is.....a moment. I have hope in the future that I do what I'm supposed to do and it will work out. The joy and excitement of it is that just like that lamp my cousins and I got to working that night so long ago when we were just goofing off listening to music, the world feels right in that moment. The unknown is good. The unknown surprises you with the best situations ever if you step out on faith that it will work out for the best.
So, here I am today.......the day every year the person I can now call my oldest friend (since 7 years old as friends is a long time) go on our annual shop till you drop (somehow we never do) Christmas shopping trip. Dinner break at Marlow's and then more shopping. There is a possibility of a change for the evening this year but we will see.
I have a clear conscious because I always do what is the nice thing to do for others UNTIL or UNLESS you go at me first. Then you'll get it back 100x over because that is just me. I've said it many times....to truly know me is to know I'm not happy until I make you feel worse than you made me feel unless I just don't care. Not controllable unless I truly never cared anyway. Doesn't matter if you're a stranger or someone I've known most my life. Ask the stranger in the Kroger parking lot who regrets she ever decided to open her mouth to me. I can give you a list of "others" who've learned the hard way yet some still just do whatever they want to others and then question the repercussions. I don't get that one. Doesn't everyone learn from their mistakes? Well, not if you think you are perfect, you can do whatever because of the "excuse" of something bad that happened to you in your past, and my favorite....it is ALWAYS the other person who is to blame.
So, I'm off for a great time with one of the best friends I've ever had....nonstop laughter with some serious talk in the day too.
People say everyone has a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Well, my "devil" is always going to be getting pleasure out of your pain if you are......a jerk (just to keep it simple).
And it wasn't a baby step either......getting here in this good place
Then here we are this year. Three years December 19th but that wasn't the situation it is now at all. December 19th was just the catalyst.
This year on Halloween I hit a new place. I wouldn't call it a low but it was more like a distressing situation that occupied every minute with worry and stress and the worst thing.....not knowing. That was a cruel situation and I didn't do it to myself. I owe that one to someone else. But it did something for me nothing else has ever been able to do. It separated me completely from the unnecessary bad that I just don't need and my circle of life where I choose what and who is there. I emerged and everything is different now.
So, I thoroughly enjoy again all the fun situations there are. I am myself in these times again. I've learned to live with that one thing that has taken me out for almost three years now somehow without letting it cripple me and my life anymore.
I'm just thankful I guess.....very thankful and I'm okay knowing that so far I've survived 100% of the bad. That is a winning situation right there. I never stopped fighting.
Yeah, I count the days these days until I can make the change I want to make....until I do not spend every day with people in a way I just don't want to.
I think maybe I'm making my mark and it is a good one. I'm proving that I am worth it and you're about to lose me too. I don't stick around when it is detrimental to me.
I can have that conversation with that person that it was so important to me to get into a good place with again without it mattering the way it use to. We can talk tattoos. I can hear what he has to say about mine that I have and the next one I'm getting. And it can be good but it wasn't something that took me to that place of "what if" anymore. Nice.
Sorry but not sorry. I can't apologize for enjoying other's "bad" things they go through. You weren't there with me through mine and you even added to mine.....forget it. You are on your own. That is the key. You don't give me a reason then I'm not wasting time on caring about anyone who doesn't care about me. Therefore, I enjoy your misfortune. Sorry, not sorry but where were you when I needed you? Did you have to make it worse by being mean, rude, callous, etc.? No, you didn't. I have too many who do anything for me I need. Too many who love me and never left and never will. I met new friends that I was meant to meet and have in my life.
The point is that it might be a baby step in the right direction but to me it honestly feels like the most enormously huge step in the world. I'm happy despite all the things that can make me sad. I can spend a sad conflicted moment thinking about the past but that is all it is.....a moment. I have hope in the future that I do what I'm supposed to do and it will work out. The joy and excitement of it is that just like that lamp my cousins and I got to working that night so long ago when we were just goofing off listening to music, the world feels right in that moment. The unknown is good. The unknown surprises you with the best situations ever if you step out on faith that it will work out for the best.
So, here I am today.......the day every year the person I can now call my oldest friend (since 7 years old as friends is a long time) go on our annual shop till you drop (somehow we never do) Christmas shopping trip. Dinner break at Marlow's and then more shopping. There is a possibility of a change for the evening this year but we will see.
I have a clear conscious because I always do what is the nice thing to do for others UNTIL or UNLESS you go at me first. Then you'll get it back 100x over because that is just me. I've said it many times....to truly know me is to know I'm not happy until I make you feel worse than you made me feel unless I just don't care. Not controllable unless I truly never cared anyway. Doesn't matter if you're a stranger or someone I've known most my life. Ask the stranger in the Kroger parking lot who regrets she ever decided to open her mouth to me. I can give you a list of "others" who've learned the hard way yet some still just do whatever they want to others and then question the repercussions. I don't get that one. Doesn't everyone learn from their mistakes? Well, not if you think you are perfect, you can do whatever because of the "excuse" of something bad that happened to you in your past, and my favorite....it is ALWAYS the other person who is to blame.
So, I'm off for a great time with one of the best friends I've ever had....nonstop laughter with some serious talk in the day too.
People say everyone has a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Well, my "devil" is always going to be getting pleasure out of your pain if you are......a jerk (just to keep it simple).
And it wasn't a baby step either......getting here in this good place
Monday, December 10, 2018
Sometimes
Can't really say the nerves got much better but it really felt good to go running last night. Went again tonight too. There was a time when I couldn't run enough. It is an addiction and it all started because it was the only thing I found to burn off all the feelings of anger, irritation, and stress. I want it back. Unfortunately, sadness and other feelings took over. But I can do it. It starts with one time and goes from there.
Anyway, my nerves were still bothering me all night long and this morning. But the news is....I did it! Not only did I pass those two tests I took today but I scored highly proficient.....not proficient but highly proficient! Almost made a 100 on one of them.
It has been so long since I decided to do something, prepared for it, and did it with total success. That's what floundering around not knowing what is up and what is down does to you.
I know it will still be hard to leave my haven I created for myself behind. I do. But I said if I passed this test I knew I was going. I'll find my new haven. I'll find my new place where I will fit in. I wish my dad were here although I'm certain he wouldn't much like this but if he came back for one day and knew what I've done and accomplished then he'd be proud. He would be proud a year from now after I've done it too. I see myself standing out looking at that view and being there and knowing I live there.....I'm not visiting this time.
Sometimes I feel so stupid because everyone else is so excited and supportive and here I am just thinking I can't. When it comes down to it, I just can't. But I can. That is the thing. I can do anything I want to do.
That's all.
Anyway, my nerves were still bothering me all night long and this morning. But the news is....I did it! Not only did I pass those two tests I took today but I scored highly proficient.....not proficient but highly proficient! Almost made a 100 on one of them.
It has been so long since I decided to do something, prepared for it, and did it with total success. That's what floundering around not knowing what is up and what is down does to you.
I know it will still be hard to leave my haven I created for myself behind. I do. But I said if I passed this test I knew I was going. I'll find my new haven. I'll find my new place where I will fit in. I wish my dad were here although I'm certain he wouldn't much like this but if he came back for one day and knew what I've done and accomplished then he'd be proud. He would be proud a year from now after I've done it too. I see myself standing out looking at that view and being there and knowing I live there.....I'm not visiting this time.
Sometimes I feel so stupid because everyone else is so excited and supportive and here I am just thinking I can't. When it comes down to it, I just can't. But I can. That is the thing. I can do anything I want to do.
That's all.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Nerves
The anxiety has set in. Out come the meds that hopefully make me feel calmer and better quickly.
I was searching through my personal folder on my computer to pull out my resume. I updated it all I could and I even put in the new info about tomorrow like I believe it will happen just the way I need it to and the way I want it to.
While searching through my personal folder I found all the conversations I put together between myself and those I think matter.....at the time.
I know I'm not recycling past friendships or even thinking about it anymore and I'm happier for it. There are only two conversations left saved. One is just proof I guess that "pigs do fly" you'd say. Doesn't mean anything. The other.....well probably be just a matter of time before I just delete it for good too. Didn't read much of it. It starts out nice....proof you can be. Reality is I really don't think you know who you are, what you really want, how to get it, and definitely not how to treat others at all. You are LOST and you know it. You even say it from time to time. Things will never change until you figure it out and really, I don't see that ever happening for you. You don't even know or understand anything about your why or right from wrong or what love means or what common decency means. Ah yes, and you definitely don't understand what God means in your life and what it means to follow him. Makes me want to scream stop pretending!! I feel sorry for you and I even hurt horribly for you despite certain things you did to cause me pain. Sometimes. Then other times when I'm not feeling very charitable, I am glad glad glad glad that as far as appearances go, I was your downfall and it was done on purpose. Although, really you did it to yourself. But you will never see it that way. You can only blame others. All you had to do was be nice. All anyone has to do is be nice.
- I think it is time to go for a nice run now. No more nerves, I've got this.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Every Circus Ends ......
Every circus ends even when the clowns never take off their makeup because you always get to walk out that tent regardless.
One of my best friends and I used to say the saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys" was our quote/lives. Well today she sends me this and tells me this is our new one.....our 2019 one. I'm just keeping it to myself what I said back to her but it certainly was true. I know why I keep going to the circus, I know I wish I didn't have to, and I know the last day I will have to go to this circus too.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
The Things You Remember
I've written what I wanted to say in three different ways and deleted all three of them.
Then I read this:
"I would rather look at life saying, "I tried and I failed than wondering "maybe?", "should I?" and always have that "kind of, what if" wonderment.
Lots of things I want but they are not to be found here. Believe me, I've looked. So, I leave and I do what I always wanted to do and I start fresh.....not over......just new and fresh. I leave you behind and I take you with me in memories only, Finally, I love those memories. They were me then and they are me now. It doesn't matter if you were never that person you seemed to be in those memories or you were and you changed or you're just fake. I'm not letting you steal them from me the way I remember them. I'm not talking to just one person either...there are several.
Is it looking back to what you leave if you take those memories with you and you enjoy them when you think of them? It could be but it isn't going to be for me. Just glad I had them....it no longer matters that they didn't last.
Starting out when you're no longer that child taken care of by your parents you don't even think of the possibilities. You live each day day to day. Everything is a surprise. Everyone wishes for their youth again and for life to be that way again. Who knew that you could have that again when you're older? I didn't but isn't it nice to know how to get it again?
I love it....disappearing from this is going to feel good in itself.
I look forward to the place where no one knows how to find me. You know, I'm not going to be looking you up ever......any of you.
I look forward to the place where no one knows how to find me. You know, I'm not going to be looking you up ever......any of you.
Not sad. Just determined.
And maybe, I'll just come back and delete this too.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
One more thing.....
There will be some bed jumping going on I'm thinking. True happiness is getting into my resort and jumping on the bed because that happy child deep inside even adults comes out for just a minute.
T doesn't really know what he is in for. 200% happy all the time me for 9 days straight. Crazy take a risk me who pets snakes (you know I'm crazy for that). Seeing exactly what I can get into. I could go on but who knows what will happen this time around.
And I worry about starting a new life far away.......
Vagabond
Vagabond.....a person who wanders from place to place without home or job.
When I think about the word vagabond and someone you would call a vagabond, I think of someone who could pack all their things in a few boxes or suitcases that would fit in their car and just leave without any ties to a place. Someone who quit a job and left a home to go to another place to find another job and home. Possibly someone who does this more than once in their life. The older I get, the more I wish I had been this person so I could be this person now without worry of a future I don't know. There was a time when I'd done everything but pack when I was moving to Italy for two years but then life happened. I wonder if life hadn't of happened when I was 31 years old what exactly my life would be like these days. Would I be that vagabond I could have been? Would I still be that way today? If there is one thing I regret it is that I haven't been that person but then in my eyes and with my values, I didn't stand a chance at being that person because of unavoidable life events. Where would I be today? Would I have loved Italy so much or some other country or place in this world that I would be there today? No one can answer those questions for me...not even myself. I had a dream a few months ago that this was exactly what I was. It was actually a pretty good dream......one of those you wake up long enough to know what you are dreaming and go back to sleep so you can keep dreaming it. I envy those people who pack up and just go someplace else.....even if it is just to move nearby but in a new home. I really envy those people who have lived in multiple places all around the US but especially around the world. I know I'm very well traveled but part of me has always wanted to be more.....I've wanted to be that person who has lived in more than two states in the same country, one of which I don't even remember.
I think about all those I know who have left a place and moved far away from it.....not knowing what the future would be, sometimes not knowing what job they would find, and definitely not what place they'd end up living in. I know quite a lot. J left here for Boston and then Boston for Hawaii. D left here for Texas. Three M's I know left California for here. S left New York for here. B & J left here for California. B left Michigan for Florida and then Florida for here and then here for Florida again. The list goes on. It means taking a chance and rolling those dice to see what you get. One thing I know is that you make what you get somehow once you get there.
Lost and confused doesn't make for very good choices. Sometimes you feel so desperate because of those feelings that any choice or change is something you grasp onto and charge head first into it. Then it ends up being not what you thought or just plain bad. That makes you afraid to make a conscious choice or to just let life happen and see what it leads you too because of the bad places you've ended up in.
The question is can I let go of the place I've always lived for my entire life? Am I too old to let go like that? I don't know. I sit here and I look around when I'm at home and I look around as I'm out driving anywhere I'm going. Can I give up the known for the unknown? It is just a step. Once I get there, I can think of 100 things easily I will want to do. I sit here freezing when it was 22 degrees this morning and I think about the coldest I will ever be there and it certainly will be nowhere near 22 degrees. I think about not needing an umbrella. I think about flip flops even when it isn't summer. I think about the cool sand at night this time of year and how it is cool...not cold. I think about the 90 degree days and a suntan from being in the sun even in the winter. I think about the exploring. It would be a long long time before I'd feel the need to travel out of my new place to live.
"You totally belong there!", says M last night when we were talking about it. It is meant for you, she says. Then I watch her eyes light up after we were done seriously laughing hard about our trip to Washington DC a few years ago when I ask her......will you drive across country with me? She says yes and I see the possibilities in her eyes and in my mind. I feel the excitement about starting over in a new life where I get to be a version of the old me (maybe) but definitely a different me than I am now and maybe than I have ever been.
I still say I leave and unless you are in the inner circle behind that wall, then nothing about my life with you goes with me. I like being Ms. Gone Girl. Just disappearing to all those....well THOSE. I know who they are.
And I don't know. Yes, I'm scared of making a mistake with it. I know how to do it right this time though but even that is scary.
So, I have to say what I say in these moments......the prayer I've prayed in so many situations. If it is not meant for me....keep it away and what is meant for me.....lead me to it and let it happen. I give it up to you because only you can know where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing, and how things are supposed to end up. I give it to you....over and over.....every second of every day. I accept the outcome and your plans for me.
December 10th.....step 1. If I "pass" then I'm moving forward with it.
Change of subject.....karma.....
I haven't been trying, focusing, concentrating, wishing, or anything I do to hurry it up or cause it. Yet again, someone gets theirs. They never should have said what they said and did what they did. Karma will bust you every time.....even if it takes awhile. But this......this particular karma that found this one was brutal. Time passes and those hurtful words lose their power with you but now they don't mean shit to me. You got yours and whether or not you think about what you said, you still lay there suffering with no end in sight. It is a weird thing knowing other than right at first, I didn't wish anything bad on them at all. But even when I don't concentrate consciously on it, my subconscious has to be fixed on it and I don't know it. Stay on the good side. Avoid your karma finding you. Someone tells me to stop all the time but obviously I no longer have to try or maybe the little and brief concentration I gave to it was more than enough. Might be scary to see what would happen if I did try these days. Because I got in tune with it 7 years ago and I can control it now, it is more extreme? Hmmmmm.....
I leave it at that......all the thoughts rolling around in my head are now out.
When I think about the word vagabond and someone you would call a vagabond, I think of someone who could pack all their things in a few boxes or suitcases that would fit in their car and just leave without any ties to a place. Someone who quit a job and left a home to go to another place to find another job and home. Possibly someone who does this more than once in their life. The older I get, the more I wish I had been this person so I could be this person now without worry of a future I don't know. There was a time when I'd done everything but pack when I was moving to Italy for two years but then life happened. I wonder if life hadn't of happened when I was 31 years old what exactly my life would be like these days. Would I be that vagabond I could have been? Would I still be that way today? If there is one thing I regret it is that I haven't been that person but then in my eyes and with my values, I didn't stand a chance at being that person because of unavoidable life events. Where would I be today? Would I have loved Italy so much or some other country or place in this world that I would be there today? No one can answer those questions for me...not even myself. I had a dream a few months ago that this was exactly what I was. It was actually a pretty good dream......one of those you wake up long enough to know what you are dreaming and go back to sleep so you can keep dreaming it. I envy those people who pack up and just go someplace else.....even if it is just to move nearby but in a new home. I really envy those people who have lived in multiple places all around the US but especially around the world. I know I'm very well traveled but part of me has always wanted to be more.....I've wanted to be that person who has lived in more than two states in the same country, one of which I don't even remember.
I think about all those I know who have left a place and moved far away from it.....not knowing what the future would be, sometimes not knowing what job they would find, and definitely not what place they'd end up living in. I know quite a lot. J left here for Boston and then Boston for Hawaii. D left here for Texas. Three M's I know left California for here. S left New York for here. B & J left here for California. B left Michigan for Florida and then Florida for here and then here for Florida again. The list goes on. It means taking a chance and rolling those dice to see what you get. One thing I know is that you make what you get somehow once you get there.
Lost and confused doesn't make for very good choices. Sometimes you feel so desperate because of those feelings that any choice or change is something you grasp onto and charge head first into it. Then it ends up being not what you thought or just plain bad. That makes you afraid to make a conscious choice or to just let life happen and see what it leads you too because of the bad places you've ended up in.
The question is can I let go of the place I've always lived for my entire life? Am I too old to let go like that? I don't know. I sit here and I look around when I'm at home and I look around as I'm out driving anywhere I'm going. Can I give up the known for the unknown? It is just a step. Once I get there, I can think of 100 things easily I will want to do. I sit here freezing when it was 22 degrees this morning and I think about the coldest I will ever be there and it certainly will be nowhere near 22 degrees. I think about not needing an umbrella. I think about flip flops even when it isn't summer. I think about the cool sand at night this time of year and how it is cool...not cold. I think about the 90 degree days and a suntan from being in the sun even in the winter. I think about the exploring. It would be a long long time before I'd feel the need to travel out of my new place to live.
"You totally belong there!", says M last night when we were talking about it. It is meant for you, she says. Then I watch her eyes light up after we were done seriously laughing hard about our trip to Washington DC a few years ago when I ask her......will you drive across country with me? She says yes and I see the possibilities in her eyes and in my mind. I feel the excitement about starting over in a new life where I get to be a version of the old me (maybe) but definitely a different me than I am now and maybe than I have ever been.
I still say I leave and unless you are in the inner circle behind that wall, then nothing about my life with you goes with me. I like being Ms. Gone Girl. Just disappearing to all those....well THOSE. I know who they are.
And I don't know. Yes, I'm scared of making a mistake with it. I know how to do it right this time though but even that is scary.
So, I have to say what I say in these moments......the prayer I've prayed in so many situations. If it is not meant for me....keep it away and what is meant for me.....lead me to it and let it happen. I give it up to you because only you can know where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing, and how things are supposed to end up. I give it to you....over and over.....every second of every day. I accept the outcome and your plans for me.
December 10th.....step 1. If I "pass" then I'm moving forward with it.
Change of subject.....karma.....
I haven't been trying, focusing, concentrating, wishing, or anything I do to hurry it up or cause it. Yet again, someone gets theirs. They never should have said what they said and did what they did. Karma will bust you every time.....even if it takes awhile. But this......this particular karma that found this one was brutal. Time passes and those hurtful words lose their power with you but now they don't mean shit to me. You got yours and whether or not you think about what you said, you still lay there suffering with no end in sight. It is a weird thing knowing other than right at first, I didn't wish anything bad on them at all. But even when I don't concentrate consciously on it, my subconscious has to be fixed on it and I don't know it. Stay on the good side. Avoid your karma finding you. Someone tells me to stop all the time but obviously I no longer have to try or maybe the little and brief concentration I gave to it was more than enough. Might be scary to see what would happen if I did try these days. Because I got in tune with it 7 years ago and I can control it now, it is more extreme? Hmmmmm.....
I leave it at that......all the thoughts rolling around in my head are now out.
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Maybe
Maybe, just maybe, it will last.
Dreams make your eyes sparkle over the possibilities of doing something new and exciting. Reality made the rest of you break a sweat in panic. -DBF
This Thanksgiving was the best one I've had in four years. For the first time in four years I haven't had to deal with last minute plans not happening and trying to create a passable Thanksgiving day, go to my best friend's family Thanksgiving all the time wishing I wasn't there because it felt so miserable not to be wanted where I should have been, or travel out of state to visit a friend for the week. I did go to my best friend's family Thanksgiving again this year. Out of state didn't happen this year. But we had the best time ever. All the hugs from everyone. They really have taken me in as part of their family. I laughed all day long. Got picked on by Bill & Todd all day long just like I used to from my dad and my uncles. Then when everyone had left but just my best friend, her hubby, and I we just got to talking and laughing and joking even more and then noticed The Godfather was on TV. Bill loves that movie but he decided not as much as I do. He decided I know that movie like no one else he has ever met. We have a date....all 3 Godfather movies in one day sometime soon. Todd was going hammock camping up in the mountains the next day and he didn't leave to go get ready even though he said he was going to several times. We just had the best time I've had in years on a holiday. Christmas is coming up and we get another day like that one soon. They're used to it and probably don't even understand at all what it means to me. But even they said how much fun they'd had just hanging out after everyone left. It wasn't just me that enjoyed it. I was like myself....the person I am when I'm not struggling just to make it through a day and survive.
I'm going away for Christmas. I was going to cancel but then two thoughts......it very well may be the last Christmas I do go away like that there and I'm not taking the chance I wouldn't get stuck at home alone and all that sadness wouldn't be my best friend for days on end.
I'm already getting the panic from what I'm thinking about for next year. But I started the process anyway. I'm doing it my way this time. I've been looking at places to live. Looking at one place to work although I'm open to others. Opened up the huge Christmas storage box I evidently bought last year when I cleaned out my Christmas stuff and organized it into one box to put out all my Christmas stuff for maybe the last time here. Already made a pile of other stuff from the box I am not keeping. I'd forgotten this time last year the purge and packing things up nicely in prep to move had already started. Going to buy a Halloween/Thanksgiving storage box to pack that stuff in as my prep for this year.
No recycling continues. Finally, four days later someone says to me they missed me Wednesday night. I didn't tell anyone I wasn't coming. No recycling though....I said it like it was to them. They just said okay. I don't care. A true friend would have done for me what I've done for them over and over and over and over again over the years. Out of all the people, one person missed me enough to ask where I was. No recycling from the past. It is funny how J called me a few years ago asking if I was still going to be his friend and I said yes, of course. Yet as soon as he does what he says he was going to do, has he been mine?? Nope. One I'd written off as someone who gets what they want that I seriously doubt will last at all actually apologized. Yeah, okay. I'm not hating but I'm not going out of my way either. I'm findable.....for now.
I'm feeling blessed and thankful though. I have my small group of my friends who would never even think of walking away. I finally have peace on holidays. I finally have peace seeing those flowers on my parents' graves. I can count down the days until the change is coming. I'm not recycling and I won't ever again. You left through a decision or an unconscious fading away then you aren't coming back.
I don't know what next spring/summer will bring but if I get up enough strength or whatever you want to call it because I know I'm strong then all those who walked out or faded away will not be taken with me when I leave. That's it. That includes family as well. No recycling...especially in a brand new life in a new place with everything new.
Only time will truly tell.
I absolutely hate that my 9 days of happiness & fun & peace are up. Back to it I go tomorrow.
Dreams make your eyes sparkle over the possibilities of doing something new and exciting. Reality made the rest of you break a sweat in panic. -DBF
This Thanksgiving was the best one I've had in four years. For the first time in four years I haven't had to deal with last minute plans not happening and trying to create a passable Thanksgiving day, go to my best friend's family Thanksgiving all the time wishing I wasn't there because it felt so miserable not to be wanted where I should have been, or travel out of state to visit a friend for the week. I did go to my best friend's family Thanksgiving again this year. Out of state didn't happen this year. But we had the best time ever. All the hugs from everyone. They really have taken me in as part of their family. I laughed all day long. Got picked on by Bill & Todd all day long just like I used to from my dad and my uncles. Then when everyone had left but just my best friend, her hubby, and I we just got to talking and laughing and joking even more and then noticed The Godfather was on TV. Bill loves that movie but he decided not as much as I do. He decided I know that movie like no one else he has ever met. We have a date....all 3 Godfather movies in one day sometime soon. Todd was going hammock camping up in the mountains the next day and he didn't leave to go get ready even though he said he was going to several times. We just had the best time I've had in years on a holiday. Christmas is coming up and we get another day like that one soon. They're used to it and probably don't even understand at all what it means to me. But even they said how much fun they'd had just hanging out after everyone left. It wasn't just me that enjoyed it. I was like myself....the person I am when I'm not struggling just to make it through a day and survive.
I'm going away for Christmas. I was going to cancel but then two thoughts......it very well may be the last Christmas I do go away like that there and I'm not taking the chance I wouldn't get stuck at home alone and all that sadness wouldn't be my best friend for days on end.
I'm already getting the panic from what I'm thinking about for next year. But I started the process anyway. I'm doing it my way this time. I've been looking at places to live. Looking at one place to work although I'm open to others. Opened up the huge Christmas storage box I evidently bought last year when I cleaned out my Christmas stuff and organized it into one box to put out all my Christmas stuff for maybe the last time here. Already made a pile of other stuff from the box I am not keeping. I'd forgotten this time last year the purge and packing things up nicely in prep to move had already started. Going to buy a Halloween/Thanksgiving storage box to pack that stuff in as my prep for this year.
No recycling continues. Finally, four days later someone says to me they missed me Wednesday night. I didn't tell anyone I wasn't coming. No recycling though....I said it like it was to them. They just said okay. I don't care. A true friend would have done for me what I've done for them over and over and over and over again over the years. Out of all the people, one person missed me enough to ask where I was. No recycling from the past. It is funny how J called me a few years ago asking if I was still going to be his friend and I said yes, of course. Yet as soon as he does what he says he was going to do, has he been mine?? Nope. One I'd written off as someone who gets what they want that I seriously doubt will last at all actually apologized. Yeah, okay. I'm not hating but I'm not going out of my way either. I'm findable.....for now.
I'm feeling blessed and thankful though. I have my small group of my friends who would never even think of walking away. I finally have peace on holidays. I finally have peace seeing those flowers on my parents' graves. I can count down the days until the change is coming. I'm not recycling and I won't ever again. You left through a decision or an unconscious fading away then you aren't coming back.
I don't know what next spring/summer will bring but if I get up enough strength or whatever you want to call it because I know I'm strong then all those who walked out or faded away will not be taken with me when I leave. That's it. That includes family as well. No recycling...especially in a brand new life in a new place with everything new.
Only time will truly tell.
I absolutely hate that my 9 days of happiness & fun & peace are up. Back to it I go tomorrow.
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Recycling
It has been an interesting week. I have several things to be thankful for today and that's a lot since I'm not really sure I felt like I had anything to be thankful for in awhile.
Monday I went to the doctor and it was just a refill prescription appt. since our wonderful government has changed the laws about some drugs people take these days. A few abuse these drugs or sell them and we all suffer now by having to go to the doctor every 3 months now to get them refilled. I personally never knew exactly how much this one drug makes a difference for me until I couldn't get an appt. for two months and only had enough to take 1/3 of what I take in a day. Anyway, my yearly exam isn't until January for all my blood work and tests I have to have. But my doctor tries to talk me into going ahead and having all the tests that day. We compromise on an A1C.....done right there, takes six minutes for the result, and won't be too horribly expensive. Hey, if my kidneys, liver, or heart are affected by this I'd be shocked seeing as how I follow the diabetic diet religiously and have for years so I'll wait till January for those tests. It even says it on my chart/paperwork.....non-complicated diabetes is my diagnosis. Then the proof is in that A1C. I don't check my blood sugar every day anymore because it is always GOOD! My doctor says my A1C should be at a 6. Well it came back as a 5.7!! A moment of true excitement. A 5.7 is in the normal range for a person without diabetes. I win!! You'd have to be me......going through what I went through with my mom and her diabetic complications as well as the life changes I made to avoid being diabetic her to even understand this. Made my day....made my life for a little while anyway. Still kind of on that high.
Then I was meeting Melinda for happy hour at a place we love but forget about most the time. She was excited and happy for me. Everyone else I'm waiting to tell in person even though I felt like yelling it out to everyone. Very interesting conversation with Melinda. She knows what I've been considering for about a month now. That decision I have to make. She's supportive. She said something so interesting and thought provoking and eye-opening to me while we were talking. Her and Lisa had a conversation about me before Lisa died. I have to wonder how they saw this and I never have but having Melinda say it made me realize I've done this my entire life. She tells me they worried about me and I know they did and I know all of my group of friends still worry about me every day. They know.....I've told them everything as it has happened. She said her and Lisa thought I needed to stop "recycling" or trying to recycle people from my past. I knew what they were talking about. I've always been that person who maybe thought something with someone was better than it was and certainly better than what they thought it was. I stayed focused on that even when it meant nothing much to the other person. I truly believed they felt the same way I did, we could have it back, and they wanted that too. Except everything really points to that they wouldn't have abandoned it if it was worth anything to them, I feel deeper than others, and it was more important to me than it ever was to them. Now, I understand why I do this but that's another story all in itself. I get it now. Stop recycling or trying to recycle these people who weren't even worth it the first go around. Let it be done even if they come back around again. Don't dismiss what you KNOW to be true about them and how they treated you. Don't give into that even though my past makes me want something good so badly that I do in hopes it will be what I need and what I'm looking for. It never has been and it never will be. I'm done with it. No more breadcrumbs you are thankful for getting. No thanks.
I still don't know if the big huge decision for my life will be the "right" one. What is right anyway? Can't it be what I make of it? But, I do know that I also got the contact with someone through Melinda that I needed to get the ball rolling for this. Will it be hard....hell yes. I still have such an issue giving up the only thing that is a foundation and my security. It is my haven however I also know of past havens I created for myself and present havens I have that are just borrowed when I'm there. Maybe a haven doesn't have to be owned by you to be one for you. Maybe it isn't a haven but just a safe place for me and would the new not be a new haven I create for myself? Yes, it would be. I know I would create myself a new haven. I know I can. That thought is intoxicating and exciting to me too.
I went by the cemetery yesterday. New flowers means someone was there.....within walking distance of me and once again they came and went and I got nothing from them. It didn't hurt as bad as it has the past years. That is THE thing in my life that has been the worst combined with the person who is really responsible for making things that way and what they did to make that happen.
This is going to take a lot from me....maybe even more than last year did. But I'm strong and I don't give up....I might walk away from bad situations but I don't give up on my dreams.
So, for the first time in awhile on this day, I actually am thankful. I'm thankful for the ones that stuck around and the new ones that already love me for who I am, I'm thankful for the new doors opening, and I'm thankful for the truth and self-realization.
More later......
Monday I went to the doctor and it was just a refill prescription appt. since our wonderful government has changed the laws about some drugs people take these days. A few abuse these drugs or sell them and we all suffer now by having to go to the doctor every 3 months now to get them refilled. I personally never knew exactly how much this one drug makes a difference for me until I couldn't get an appt. for two months and only had enough to take 1/3 of what I take in a day. Anyway, my yearly exam isn't until January for all my blood work and tests I have to have. But my doctor tries to talk me into going ahead and having all the tests that day. We compromise on an A1C.....done right there, takes six minutes for the result, and won't be too horribly expensive. Hey, if my kidneys, liver, or heart are affected by this I'd be shocked seeing as how I follow the diabetic diet religiously and have for years so I'll wait till January for those tests. It even says it on my chart/paperwork.....non-complicated diabetes is my diagnosis. Then the proof is in that A1C. I don't check my blood sugar every day anymore because it is always GOOD! My doctor says my A1C should be at a 6. Well it came back as a 5.7!! A moment of true excitement. A 5.7 is in the normal range for a person without diabetes. I win!! You'd have to be me......going through what I went through with my mom and her diabetic complications as well as the life changes I made to avoid being diabetic her to even understand this. Made my day....made my life for a little while anyway. Still kind of on that high.
Then I was meeting Melinda for happy hour at a place we love but forget about most the time. She was excited and happy for me. Everyone else I'm waiting to tell in person even though I felt like yelling it out to everyone. Very interesting conversation with Melinda. She knows what I've been considering for about a month now. That decision I have to make. She's supportive. She said something so interesting and thought provoking and eye-opening to me while we were talking. Her and Lisa had a conversation about me before Lisa died. I have to wonder how they saw this and I never have but having Melinda say it made me realize I've done this my entire life. She tells me they worried about me and I know they did and I know all of my group of friends still worry about me every day. They know.....I've told them everything as it has happened. She said her and Lisa thought I needed to stop "recycling" or trying to recycle people from my past. I knew what they were talking about. I've always been that person who maybe thought something with someone was better than it was and certainly better than what they thought it was. I stayed focused on that even when it meant nothing much to the other person. I truly believed they felt the same way I did, we could have it back, and they wanted that too. Except everything really points to that they wouldn't have abandoned it if it was worth anything to them, I feel deeper than others, and it was more important to me than it ever was to them. Now, I understand why I do this but that's another story all in itself. I get it now. Stop recycling or trying to recycle these people who weren't even worth it the first go around. Let it be done even if they come back around again. Don't dismiss what you KNOW to be true about them and how they treated you. Don't give into that even though my past makes me want something good so badly that I do in hopes it will be what I need and what I'm looking for. It never has been and it never will be. I'm done with it. No more breadcrumbs you are thankful for getting. No thanks.
I still don't know if the big huge decision for my life will be the "right" one. What is right anyway? Can't it be what I make of it? But, I do know that I also got the contact with someone through Melinda that I needed to get the ball rolling for this. Will it be hard....hell yes. I still have such an issue giving up the only thing that is a foundation and my security. It is my haven however I also know of past havens I created for myself and present havens I have that are just borrowed when I'm there. Maybe a haven doesn't have to be owned by you to be one for you. Maybe it isn't a haven but just a safe place for me and would the new not be a new haven I create for myself? Yes, it would be. I know I would create myself a new haven. I know I can. That thought is intoxicating and exciting to me too.
I went by the cemetery yesterday. New flowers means someone was there.....within walking distance of me and once again they came and went and I got nothing from them. It didn't hurt as bad as it has the past years. That is THE thing in my life that has been the worst combined with the person who is really responsible for making things that way and what they did to make that happen.
This is going to take a lot from me....maybe even more than last year did. But I'm strong and I don't give up....I might walk away from bad situations but I don't give up on my dreams.
So, for the first time in awhile on this day, I actually am thankful. I'm thankful for the ones that stuck around and the new ones that already love me for who I am, I'm thankful for the new doors opening, and I'm thankful for the truth and self-realization.
More later......
Monday, November 19, 2018
Decisions
I have to make a decision. As always, there is an easier way and there is a harder way. Both require risks and uncertainly of the future. Neither one could work out in their own ways. One could mean in a difficult situation but then I'm saying again that nothing could be more difficult than the current situation. The other could mean that in the end for one reason or another Path 2 just doesn't work out to be better. Maybe on Path 2 I want to go back to where I was. One thing I know is that Path 1 will not make me want to return to the before. Path 2 requires all that work and effort again and the worst part.......giving up the only security I have and that I control 100%. Can I give up the only security I have left?? I literally count down the days in small increments to each break from my situation I get. Knowing that I'm almost halfway to the end. Not caring. There is this wall. It just doesn't get to me anymore. I'm not letting it. It has bothered me and even tormented me enough. Lack of sleep, not wanting to eat, and it even made me sick for two days. The weird thing is if things had gone the way I wanted and tried so hard for, then I wouldn't be here yet I thought this was what was meant for me. It makes no sense whatsoever. Am I truly that lost? When the foundation is gone that you thought you'd always have is gone.....is this the way it is always? If I take Path 2 will I build a new foundation? Something I haven't been able to do here the past 3 years. I wish someone would either make this decision for me or that book of my life I wish I had would magically appear. That book so many wish for....the one that tells your life story and all you have to do is read to find out the path already determined for you and then follow it. No decisions. No getting in your way with bad decisions. I could try for Path 1 and then go with Path 2 as my back up although really it needs to be the other way around. Then the kicker is Path 2 goes with Path 1 but it is just a new start in a new place. A better place? Well, if it isn't then at least I have the one thing that I can always count on to make anything better in that place.
I attract people these days who struggle. Some I rely on and lean on and we mutually count on each other. We ask ourselves......just the place we are in right now in life or what is it? Others I just can't deal with because they have the one thing I don't that has been the source of the unhappiness and everything else that goes along with it for me and then we share other things. I don't mean to keep score but really....listening to the complaining or divulging all day every day is too much when you are dealing with what I deal with. You aren't lost like others, including myself, that are lost. Your foundation for your life is still intact
One thought leads me in a different direction which goes in another one and on and on and on. Last weekend birthday celebrating (if you could call it that) my best friend and I ended up late night shopping at Walmart because even though I don't shop there like ever, sometimes there are things you can only find at Walmart late night when everything else is closed. That $5 movie bin gets you every time....her more than me. I get frustrated with it because there is no way to get to the bottom and who knows what treasures are on the bottom. This is how you know someone is a best friend.....she finds a movie that not only does she know I loved but she also knows I don't own it. Heat is it. I had the time to watch it this weekend. Another reminder of the old 80's/90's movies I've been watching lately on cable. Watched Less Than Zero twice and then noticed Real Genius is on cable right now. Heat/Real Genius=Val Kilmer.
Then there is the internet which is great for letting your mind wander in different directions that turns into searching for this and that and clicking on this link and that one until you end up discovering something new. My something new was the movie Song to Song which I had to see because Ryan Gosling, Natalie Portman, and Val Kilmer's latest. I thought I kept up with Ryan Gosling 100% but missed that one.....wasn't in the theater or advertised. Finally found my in to watching it for free and I'm glad....wouldn't have wanted to own it or pay to watch it. Not that it is bad.....true art from a talented writer/producer but when I have to read the synopsis of it online to even understand it fully then it isn't one I'd watch over and over. I have to understand it but then read others' take on it. I like doing that. Seems to me a movie about one person making their own decisions and three others floating through life letting things find them. Trying anything and just letting it happen to them.
Is no decision or letting it happen to you a decision?? That is the question that I don't know the answer to although I recognize that is what I've been doing. Make a decision here. Stop letting it happen to you. Is it fear of failing? Well, making no decision hasn't been good either. Interesting thing about the characters in that movie is when one of the three made a decision it was them taking control of their lives again. The other two made a decision....one they'd already made but got lost from....their indecision and letting things just happen to them led them away from their original decision.
Isn't it about decisions? Right or wrong? Don't just let things happen to you. Something else learned, I guess. What do I learn? Narrowing down to two decisions instead of making no decisions and letting life happen to you has to be better.
So, make a decision. Choose a path that doesn't involve what you DON'T want but figure out what you do want. Easier said that done though. I pray every day all day for this ability again....that and not letting things phase me and definitely not letting them bother me anymore.
Stop looking for that person to save you and make your decisions for you.
Time to make one more than just the one I made not to stay, no matter what, in the indecision life made for me.
I attract people these days who struggle. Some I rely on and lean on and we mutually count on each other. We ask ourselves......just the place we are in right now in life or what is it? Others I just can't deal with because they have the one thing I don't that has been the source of the unhappiness and everything else that goes along with it for me and then we share other things. I don't mean to keep score but really....listening to the complaining or divulging all day every day is too much when you are dealing with what I deal with. You aren't lost like others, including myself, that are lost. Your foundation for your life is still intact
One thought leads me in a different direction which goes in another one and on and on and on. Last weekend birthday celebrating (if you could call it that) my best friend and I ended up late night shopping at Walmart because even though I don't shop there like ever, sometimes there are things you can only find at Walmart late night when everything else is closed. That $5 movie bin gets you every time....her more than me. I get frustrated with it because there is no way to get to the bottom and who knows what treasures are on the bottom. This is how you know someone is a best friend.....she finds a movie that not only does she know I loved but she also knows I don't own it. Heat is it. I had the time to watch it this weekend. Another reminder of the old 80's/90's movies I've been watching lately on cable. Watched Less Than Zero twice and then noticed Real Genius is on cable right now. Heat/Real Genius=Val Kilmer.
Then there is the internet which is great for letting your mind wander in different directions that turns into searching for this and that and clicking on this link and that one until you end up discovering something new. My something new was the movie Song to Song which I had to see because Ryan Gosling, Natalie Portman, and Val Kilmer's latest. I thought I kept up with Ryan Gosling 100% but missed that one.....wasn't in the theater or advertised. Finally found my in to watching it for free and I'm glad....wouldn't have wanted to own it or pay to watch it. Not that it is bad.....true art from a talented writer/producer but when I have to read the synopsis of it online to even understand it fully then it isn't one I'd watch over and over. I have to understand it but then read others' take on it. I like doing that. Seems to me a movie about one person making their own decisions and three others floating through life letting things find them. Trying anything and just letting it happen to them.
Is no decision or letting it happen to you a decision?? That is the question that I don't know the answer to although I recognize that is what I've been doing. Make a decision here. Stop letting it happen to you. Is it fear of failing? Well, making no decision hasn't been good either. Interesting thing about the characters in that movie is when one of the three made a decision it was them taking control of their lives again. The other two made a decision....one they'd already made but got lost from....their indecision and letting things just happen to them led them away from their original decision.
Isn't it about decisions? Right or wrong? Don't just let things happen to you. Something else learned, I guess. What do I learn? Narrowing down to two decisions instead of making no decisions and letting life happen to you has to be better.
So, make a decision. Choose a path that doesn't involve what you DON'T want but figure out what you do want. Easier said that done though. I pray every day all day for this ability again....that and not letting things phase me and definitely not letting them bother me anymore.
Stop looking for that person to save you and make your decisions for you.
Time to make one more than just the one I made not to stay, no matter what, in the indecision life made for me.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Crazy
I don't really know what else to call it but crazy.
My mind just doesn't leave me alone. One thing happens and it is delving in all those places from the past and there you are again....feeling like it will just be the same. My mind can't help to go from the best scenario which isn't that great to the worst scenario and you decide how you would react in each one. But the not knowing is the very worst.....that and knowing that your mind will stay fixated on the situation until it is resolved. The worst thing is it just about ruined what was supposed to be a spectacular long weekend. Only once did I totally not think about it waiting for me when I came home and actually feel 100% happy. Something so rare. Or maybe I thought about it but I felt like it would be okay.
I hate my mind and the way it goes round and round like that. Can't just wait and see...it always has to imagine the worse.
I hate how emotional I get.
I hate how hard everything seems.
I hate the most how I feel like I'll never find happiness all the time again.
And that is why I'm back to feeling like I have to get out of this place again and away from what caused my unhappiness and makes things just feel worse and worse.
This time I'm making it easier though to leave. God, please let this be the right thing. I just can't anymore....here.
I feel like I don't belong here anymore and more and more like I belong there. But it is so hard to leave the only thing you've ever known behind.....the one thing that is constant for you and truly your sanctuary. I've always struggled with that though. Maybe deep down I knew how it would be someday....saying goodbye to everything you ever had that you never thought would leave. So, I get attached to places.
But there was these moments that are the best despite all the worry and stress about home.
First night in LA and you know we head to Malibu through Topanga Canyon to Duke's. Get our ocean front table just in time to watch the most beautiful sunset I've seen there. All the laughter that is nonstop when we're all together. Malibu Pier after dinner watching the planes circle waiting to land at LAX. The ocean sounds and looking up at the homes on the edge just sitting.....wishing one was yours. Taking the girls down to the beach but just at the edge of the stairs because the tide was in. I washed the capris I had on that night yesterday and sand fell out of them when I unrolled them. :)
Getting lost in the whole Mulholland area. Realizing as you drive by a house you wonder how you know that it was Nicole Simpson's house. Ending up over at Tarzan's house, the Spelling mansion, and that whole area. Car sick because those roads are ridiculous.....curvy and bumpy.
Then why I went. But different. VIP and he was just sitting waiting for us and we all sat and talked for 1 1/2 hours. Like no other time I've got to talk to him. Made me know even more what a truly great person he is. I wish everyone was like him.
The obligatory picture....one of many.
Then.....I love when you meet someone that you were supposed to know.....supposed to be friends with. That would be Iman. Sat down next to me and at first I thought she was kind of bold and maybe loud....LOL. But it didn't take long at all before it felt like we'd always known each other and we were supposed to be friends. We were talking about Georgia and I told her how it is okay to insult someone here as long as you say "bless your heart" and then Butch made some comment when he was sitting at the piano to his guitarist and he was teasing him but it wasn't nice either then he said "bless your heart" to him. Iman freaked out...she couldn't believe we'd been talking about that and then he did it. It was so funny. Known her a total of three days and I'm already closer to her than my other friends except for the best friends. She skipped the acquaintance circle and went straight to the inner friend circle but that is how it is when you meet someone you're just supposed to know.
Then back to it and the bad is still on hold but the bad wasn't at the worst possible end of the spectrum anyway. But we will see tomorrow I guess.
Lots to think about.
My mind just doesn't leave me alone. One thing happens and it is delving in all those places from the past and there you are again....feeling like it will just be the same. My mind can't help to go from the best scenario which isn't that great to the worst scenario and you decide how you would react in each one. But the not knowing is the very worst.....that and knowing that your mind will stay fixated on the situation until it is resolved. The worst thing is it just about ruined what was supposed to be a spectacular long weekend. Only once did I totally not think about it waiting for me when I came home and actually feel 100% happy. Something so rare. Or maybe I thought about it but I felt like it would be okay.
I hate my mind and the way it goes round and round like that. Can't just wait and see...it always has to imagine the worse.
I hate how emotional I get.
I hate how hard everything seems.
I hate the most how I feel like I'll never find happiness all the time again.
And that is why I'm back to feeling like I have to get out of this place again and away from what caused my unhappiness and makes things just feel worse and worse.
This time I'm making it easier though to leave. God, please let this be the right thing. I just can't anymore....here.
I feel like I don't belong here anymore and more and more like I belong there. But it is so hard to leave the only thing you've ever known behind.....the one thing that is constant for you and truly your sanctuary. I've always struggled with that though. Maybe deep down I knew how it would be someday....saying goodbye to everything you ever had that you never thought would leave. So, I get attached to places.
But there was these moments that are the best despite all the worry and stress about home.
Getting lost in the whole Mulholland area. Realizing as you drive by a house you wonder how you know that it was Nicole Simpson's house. Ending up over at Tarzan's house, the Spelling mansion, and that whole area. Car sick because those roads are ridiculous.....curvy and bumpy.
Then.....I love when you meet someone that you were supposed to know.....supposed to be friends with. That would be Iman. Sat down next to me and at first I thought she was kind of bold and maybe loud....LOL. But it didn't take long at all before it felt like we'd always known each other and we were supposed to be friends. We were talking about Georgia and I told her how it is okay to insult someone here as long as you say "bless your heart" and then Butch made some comment when he was sitting at the piano to his guitarist and he was teasing him but it wasn't nice either then he said "bless your heart" to him. Iman freaked out...she couldn't believe we'd been talking about that and then he did it. It was so funny. Known her a total of three days and I'm already closer to her than my other friends except for the best friends. She skipped the acquaintance circle and went straight to the inner friend circle but that is how it is when you meet someone you're just supposed to know.
Then back to it and the bad is still on hold but the bad wasn't at the worst possible end of the spectrum anyway. But we will see tomorrow I guess.
Lots to think about.
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Circles, obsessions, ghost.........
The only time I ever had the burning need to write on an airplane was during the IM time when my life was all about those friends. I'd just met Kevin but that's all I remember. I have no idea what I even wrote except I named it Circles and it was the way life circles back around but I don't know what was going on to make that hit me enough to write about it. I wrote it on little pieces of paper like from a tiny notepad. Wish I knew where those were. I'd like to read that.
I'm wired tonight.....we just got home.....ghost tour #2 for the week and then mexican and nonstop talking till we got kicked out.
Ghost tour #1 was Thursday night. Rainy night off and on. Wet hair and windy too. Parked where I always do when I'm going to the place the ghost tour was at. Walked uphill two blocks and across four-five blocks along Peachtree Street to get to the only place I ever eat at downtown. The walk where I was going seems to take so long but the walk back goes by so fast. As I walked back I thought about how much I love walking downtown on days like that. Windy, grey, sometimes a little rainy. Those days suit my mood better that sunny & pretty when I'm at home.
As I walked along in my city and looked at the buildings along the way I was thinking about those circles I wrote about. There is a freedom in that walk. I've decided now those circles aren't how I used to think they were. Now they're more like interlocked circles like the Olympic circles look and there are many of them all locked together in their separate circle but life lets you curve into the one it is locked with. That connecting point is where one part of your life parallels into another part. A couple of weeks ago, I guess, along comes a pretty big thing from my past. A little shocking at first and then you see the paths it could go all because of the circles from that time in my life. The circle I'm in now is going to curve back into that one in about three or so weeks and I'm excited about it and full of wonder of the possibilities.
Seems like the circle I'm in right now very much sucks. But that old circle....I'd take those times back. Too bad some of the people in that circle can't still be found there. Can't find them anywhere now. What's that circle going to be like being the person I am now? It has been almost 8 years. It can't be the same. But it might be different but it will be at least as good as it was then if not better.
Made the decision 2-3 weeks ago that I was done giving my weekends and some of my weeknights to that place I have to be every weekday. Been a busy, crazy, fun time since then.
I can always laugh at myself about some of the situations I get myself into. You know those situations where you get a few minutes into them and you wonder what the hell were you thinking? I agreed to go horseback riding last Sunday in Blue Ridge. I started out wondering if I was even going to survive the 1 1/2 hours we would be out on the trail. I'm quite sure my saddle wasn't tight enough because I felt like it kept slipping to one side. My horse knew who the boss was and it wasn't me. She did everything the guide told us not to let our horses do even though I did what I was supposed to do to keep her from it. She'd bite whole little trees off and munch on them as we went along and every time she meandered a little off the path to get her snack, she'd knock my foot out of the stirrup. The last time I couldn't get it back in and it was right before the main downhill part that was supposed to be the most challenging so I had to tell the guide who then got off her horse to help which promptly left the group and went on downhill by itself. When my horse wasn't finding trees to snack on, she was trying to bite the butt of the horse in front of us which we were told not to let them do because that would lead to two horses fighting on this tiny trail with a ravine on at least one side going down deep. The amusing situations I end up in. Needless to say my horse and I were very much ready to get away from each other at the end. I think all of my friends riding that day were in a mood after that because we ended up in the closest bar doing shots afterwards.
Still on my kick of either Octane, Ozzy's Boneyard, or that Hair Band channel on XM. Coming home tonight flipping stations and there's this song coming on Octane (I think). The name caught my attention....Badflower and the song was Ghost. The second those first words came out through the speakers, I was hooked and every word was beautiful in the way the singer sounded and in the lyrics he was singing. The song just kept building. That version and the acoustic version are now downloaded. Tickets to their show in 6 weeks have now been bought. Videos have been watched. Interviews about that song have been read. I have a new obsession and it is no surprise it concerns music. Guess it just fits where I'm at right now trying to understand with a little of the truth coming out of how it is making me feel to be going through this. Things you can only whisper when you say them out loud because you feel like you shouldn't even say them and you're afraid of the truth of them. I'm told I was the light and she was being buried by her feelings and she'll never let me be where she was or went. I understand the feeling of being buried by your feelings.
Love what the lead singer said about this song....
I'm wired tonight.....we just got home.....ghost tour #2 for the week and then mexican and nonstop talking till we got kicked out.
Ghost tour #1 was Thursday night. Rainy night off and on. Wet hair and windy too. Parked where I always do when I'm going to the place the ghost tour was at. Walked uphill two blocks and across four-five blocks along Peachtree Street to get to the only place I ever eat at downtown. The walk where I was going seems to take so long but the walk back goes by so fast. As I walked back I thought about how much I love walking downtown on days like that. Windy, grey, sometimes a little rainy. Those days suit my mood better that sunny & pretty when I'm at home.
As I walked along in my city and looked at the buildings along the way I was thinking about those circles I wrote about. There is a freedom in that walk. I've decided now those circles aren't how I used to think they were. Now they're more like interlocked circles like the Olympic circles look and there are many of them all locked together in their separate circle but life lets you curve into the one it is locked with. That connecting point is where one part of your life parallels into another part. A couple of weeks ago, I guess, along comes a pretty big thing from my past. A little shocking at first and then you see the paths it could go all because of the circles from that time in my life. The circle I'm in now is going to curve back into that one in about three or so weeks and I'm excited about it and full of wonder of the possibilities.
Seems like the circle I'm in right now very much sucks. But that old circle....I'd take those times back. Too bad some of the people in that circle can't still be found there. Can't find them anywhere now. What's that circle going to be like being the person I am now? It has been almost 8 years. It can't be the same. But it might be different but it will be at least as good as it was then if not better.
Made the decision 2-3 weeks ago that I was done giving my weekends and some of my weeknights to that place I have to be every weekday. Been a busy, crazy, fun time since then.
I can always laugh at myself about some of the situations I get myself into. You know those situations where you get a few minutes into them and you wonder what the hell were you thinking? I agreed to go horseback riding last Sunday in Blue Ridge. I started out wondering if I was even going to survive the 1 1/2 hours we would be out on the trail. I'm quite sure my saddle wasn't tight enough because I felt like it kept slipping to one side. My horse knew who the boss was and it wasn't me. She did everything the guide told us not to let our horses do even though I did what I was supposed to do to keep her from it. She'd bite whole little trees off and munch on them as we went along and every time she meandered a little off the path to get her snack, she'd knock my foot out of the stirrup. The last time I couldn't get it back in and it was right before the main downhill part that was supposed to be the most challenging so I had to tell the guide who then got off her horse to help which promptly left the group and went on downhill by itself. When my horse wasn't finding trees to snack on, she was trying to bite the butt of the horse in front of us which we were told not to let them do because that would lead to two horses fighting on this tiny trail with a ravine on at least one side going down deep. The amusing situations I end up in. Needless to say my horse and I were very much ready to get away from each other at the end. I think all of my friends riding that day were in a mood after that because we ended up in the closest bar doing shots afterwards.
Still on my kick of either Octane, Ozzy's Boneyard, or that Hair Band channel on XM. Coming home tonight flipping stations and there's this song coming on Octane (I think). The name caught my attention....Badflower and the song was Ghost. The second those first words came out through the speakers, I was hooked and every word was beautiful in the way the singer sounded and in the lyrics he was singing. The song just kept building. That version and the acoustic version are now downloaded. Tickets to their show in 6 weeks have now been bought. Videos have been watched. Interviews about that song have been read. I have a new obsession and it is no surprise it concerns music. Guess it just fits where I'm at right now trying to understand with a little of the truth coming out of how it is making me feel to be going through this. Things you can only whisper when you say them out loud because you feel like you shouldn't even say them and you're afraid of the truth of them. I'm told I was the light and she was being buried by her feelings and she'll never let me be where she was or went. I understand the feeling of being buried by your feelings.
Love what the lead singer said about this song....
This song is about self harming and suicide. The writer cuts even deeper as the song goes and he calls them all failed attempts. He claims that he was waiting for someone to help him and how he gave up in life. He thinks that all those failed attempts were because he had a reason to stay alive but eventually he makes a “deep cut” and stops his heart and, as he says, he is ready to start again in another life.
“We actually didn’t choose it as the single, the label did. I was terrified for that song to come out as the first single, just because the content is so heavy. It could’ve gone so many different ways. Even though for me I was writing from a place of truth, When it was written I had just gotten off tour, and I spent the entire tour having panic attacks on stage every night. It was just something that came out of nowhere for reasons that only my therapist can tell you. When that happened, I got home and it was a traumatic experience having to deal with that every single night and I was in a really low place. I was depressed and thinking about self-harm. So I just wrote it. I played out the whole scenario and put it into a song because that’s what writers do, I suppose. I didn’t even know if it was gonna go on the album. I was sorta hesitant to even show it to the rest of my band, But everyone heard it and loved it, and said it might actually be a positive thing to put out in the world. So we did, and it turned out that I was wrong in my skepticism because it was a positive thing.” -Josh Katz
Ghost
[Chorus]
Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be
Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be
[Chorus]
Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be, yeah
Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be, yeah
[Chorus]
Yeah, take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be
I tried it once again and I think I went too far
(The man that I was meant to be)
I cut a little deeper and the pressure stopped my heart
(The man that I was meant to be)
I couldn't tell my mother that I love her, I'm a bad son
This life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one
Yeah, take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be
I tried it once again and I think I went too far
(The man that I was meant to be)
I cut a little deeper and the pressure stopped my heart
(The man that I was meant to be)
I couldn't tell my mother that I love her, I'm a bad son
This life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one
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