Sometimes

Can't really say the nerves got much better but it really felt good to go running last night.  Went again tonight too.  There was a time when I couldn't run enough.  It is an addiction and it all started because it was the only thing I found to burn off all the feelings of anger, irritation, and stress.  I want it back.  Unfortunately, sadness and other feelings took over.  But I can do it.  It starts with one time and goes from there.  

Anyway, my nerves were still bothering me all night long and this morning.  But the news is....I did it!  Not only did I pass those two tests I took today but I scored highly proficient.....not proficient but highly proficient! Almost made a 100 on one of them.  

It has been so long since I decided to do something, prepared for it, and did it with total success.  That's what floundering around not knowing what is up and what is down does to you.  

I know it will still be hard to leave my haven I created for myself behind.  I do.  But I said if I passed this test I knew I was going.  I'll find my new haven.  I'll find my new place where I will fit in.  I wish my dad were here although I'm certain he wouldn't much like this but if he came back for one day and knew what I've done and accomplished then he'd be proud.  He would be proud a year from now after I've done it too.  I see myself standing out looking at that view and being there and knowing I live there.....I'm not visiting this time.  

Sometimes I feel so stupid because everyone else is so excited and supportive and here I am just thinking I can't.  When it comes down to it, I just can't.  But I can.  That is the thing.  I can do anything I want to do.  

That's all.