And it wasn't a baby step either

So, here it is Christmas.......one of six holidays or special occasions in a row that the past two years has taken me down.....flattened me out.....depressed me beyond despair.  Two years can be a long time.  It really feels like longer but maybe it was because it was worse on holidays and special occasions but it was bad all year round.

Then here we are this year.  Three years December 19th but that wasn't the situation it is now at all.  December 19th was just the catalyst.  

This year on Halloween I hit a new place.  I wouldn't call it a low but it was more like a distressing situation that occupied every minute with worry and stress and the worst thing.....not knowing.  That was a cruel situation and I didn't do it to myself.  I owe that one to someone else.  But it did something for me nothing else has ever been able to do.  It separated me completely from the unnecessary bad that I just don't need and my circle of life where I choose what and who is there. I emerged and everything is different now.  

So, I thoroughly enjoy again all the fun situations there are.  I am myself in these times again.  I've learned to live with that one thing that has taken me out for almost three years  now somehow without letting it cripple me and my life anymore.

I'm just thankful I guess.....very thankful and I'm okay knowing that so far I've survived 100% of the bad.  That is a winning situation right there.  I never stopped fighting. 

Yeah, I count the days these days until I can make the change I want to make....until I do not spend every day with people in a way I just don't want to.  

I think maybe I'm making my mark and it is a good one.  I'm proving that I am worth it and you're about to lose me too.  I don't stick around when it is detrimental to me. 

I can have that conversation with that person that it was so important to me to get into a good place with again without it mattering the way it use to.  We can talk tattoos.  I can hear what he has to say about mine that I have and the next one I'm getting.  And it can be good but it wasn't something that took me to that place of "what if" anymore.  Nice. 

Sorry but not sorry.  I can't apologize for enjoying other's "bad" things they go through. You weren't there with me through mine and you even added to mine.....forget it.  You are on your own.  That is the key.  You don't give me a reason then I'm not wasting time on caring about anyone who doesn't care about me.  Therefore, I enjoy your misfortune.  Sorry, not sorry but where were you when I needed you?  Did you have to make it worse by being mean, rude, callous, etc.? No, you didn't. I have too many who do anything for me I need.  Too many who love me and never left and never will. I met new friends that I was meant to meet and have in my life.  

The point is that it might be a baby step in the right direction but to me it honestly feels like the most enormously huge step in the world.  I'm happy despite all the things that can make me sad.  I can spend a sad conflicted moment thinking about the past but that is all it is.....a moment. I have hope in the future that I do what I'm supposed to do and it will work out.  The joy and excitement of it is that just like that lamp my cousins and I got to working that night so long ago when we were just goofing off listening to music, the world feels right in that moment.  The unknown is good.  The unknown surprises you with the best situations ever if you step out on faith that it will work out for the best.  

So, here I am today.......the day every year the person I can now call my oldest friend (since 7 years old as friends is a long time) go on our annual shop till you drop (somehow we never do) Christmas shopping trip.  Dinner break at Marlow's and then more shopping.  There is a possibility of a change for the evening this year but we will see.  

I have a clear conscious because I always do what is the nice thing to do for others UNTIL or UNLESS you go at me first.  Then you'll get it back 100x over because that is just me.  I've said it many times....to truly know me is to know I'm not happy until I make you feel worse than you made me feel unless I just don't care. Not controllable unless I truly never cared anyway.  Doesn't matter if you're a stranger or someone I've known most my life.  Ask the stranger in the Kroger parking lot who regrets she ever decided to open her mouth to me.  I can give you a list of "others" who've learned the hard way yet some still just do whatever they want to others and then question the repercussions.  I don't get that one.  Doesn't everyone learn from their mistakes?  Well, not if you think you are perfect, you can do whatever because of the "excuse" of something bad that happened to you in your past, and my favorite....it is ALWAYS the other person who is to blame.  

So, I'm off for a great time with one of the best friends I've ever had....nonstop laughter with some serious talk in the day too.  

People say everyone has a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  Well, my "devil" is always going to be getting pleasure out of your pain if you are......a jerk (just to keep it simple).

And it wasn't a baby step either......getting here in this good place