Who Knew

Who Knew-P!NK

You took my hand, you showed me how

You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words, and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better, still you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?

My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?

Who knew?

So, I've been in a P!NK mood lately because I did just see her in concert Saturday night.  I thought nothing could beat the first time I saw her in Melbourne, Australia but nope, I was wrong.  First there were the seats. Club level and right there at the stage.  Couldn't have been better.  She puts on quite a show.  She played my song-Who Knew.  That's always going to be my main song although I personally connect with a lot of others.  

Then there is the fact that her best friend is my favorite musician of all time who happens to talk about her all the time.  She shows up at his shows and sings with him or she is just there.  She's a very real person.  He's been in my life since my first year of grad school.  I was lucky enough that he just came to ATL a month ago and decided to play a show.  I needed that although I sit there teary-eyed at more of his shows than not.  He can get you.  He writes songs just for me.  LOL  Maybe because his birthday is the same as mine.  We're so much alike. Our dads died a year apart, both of cancer.  He put my dad's story and picture in his video, Father's Day, that he wrote after his dad died.  THAT meant everything in the world to me that he put my dad in his video.  Of course, I can't really listen to that song.  Only watching the video after it came out was the only time I could take it since my dad was in it.  That's okay.....he can't even sing it in concert.  He sang it one tour....in LA at the residence he did for a whole week at The Masonic Lodge in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.  Best place he ever played probably but every night he had them turn the lights on the stage off and all you heard was his voice in the dark.  I don't think anyone in there had a dry eye, including him. 

So now that I'm moving, LA will probably be the only place I leave my new home for, fly 4 1/2 hours, and see some of my best friends in LA that are like family to me and see him play as well.  

I just don't see myself coming back to Georgia ever.  I will miss his shows here because he makes them a little bit more special than shows other places. 

Right now I'm loving For Now from the new album the most, then What About Us, and then Beautiful Trauma from P!NK's new album.  

Guess Beautiful Trauma could have described my life except I worked hard to turn it around and the trauma will never fully leave but I still go to therapy.  I've learned to deal with things I never thought I ever would.  Want to get to know yourself better than you ever thought was possible?  Have your therapist ask you what the first thing you ever remember was and then spend six months going through every thing that ever happened to you.  Have her ask you, "And you thought that was okay that person did that?". Have the worst anger and hatred come to the surface and deal with THAT.  Come to terms with it even though what is left is still the sad traumatic feelings that it leaves you with that resurface from time to time. 

How this blog moved from the P!NK show to that, I just don't know except I think her music and my favorite musician's music play such a huge part in my life that that is where that went.  Can't even explain it but I'm not the only one.  I've got my tribe of people that feel the same about both of them.  

Now here comes the beautiful part because now I get that.  I've fought for it and I'm going to have the beautiful.  

Exodus

There was a time when this was my favorite song.  I thought about being in that place of change.  Sometimes I've thought I was.  But there is change and then there is CHANGE.  First time in my life I am in the place where everything is changing.  Nothing at all is going to be the same.  So, now I know what true Exodus is or I'm in the middle of it anyway.  

Exodus-IllMic

Smoke another cigarette I'll die
I wonder why
Time flies the way it does
I get so tired of watching the sun move slow
Across the auburn muddy haze of sky

Ooh I'm leaving 
I want to run away
Ooh I'm dying
Please father don't keep me chained

I see the ashes of tomorrow flake and fall today
My dreams they drop like rain
Buying all my fantasies on credit
Knowing that I can't pay
While inside me hope surviving
If I stay here things won't change
They'll remain the same
No things won't change

The time for waiting is time wasted
Fear filled blood runs in those veins
Everybody's talking but no answers
Putting hope on lay a way
All can see my spirits rising
Like steam on colder days
My engine's outside idling
Time for laughter time to play
And we know we've outgrown here
The time for exodus is now 
Just embrace your fear son
Your leaves are spreading out

This Love

This Love

by Taylor Swift 

Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone

In silent screams,
In wildest dreams
I never dreamed of this

This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

Tossing, turning, struggled through the night with someone new
And I could go on and on, on and on
Lantern burning, flickered in my mind for only you
But you're still gone, gone, gone

Been losing grip,
Oh, sinking ships
You showed up just in time

This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

This love, this love, this love, this love... [4x]

Your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave
Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees
When you're young you just run
But you come back to what you need

This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

This love, this love, this love, this love

**been one of my favorite songs since the first time I heard it.....it is my swimming at my favorite beach song which would be Ka'anapali Beach

**trash can full again of things I'm not being sentimental about

**and I'M NOT GIVING UP because in the end isn't true peace and your dreams worth anything?

**no regrets

Sentimental

I admit it....I used to be the most sentimental person ever.  I was the type who would keep someone else's receipt from the store just because it was theirs and it reminded me of a certain night.  I can tell you a list of 100 things I've kept over the years just because they belonged to someone I'd cared about even if it was 5, 10, 15, 20, etc. years ago.  Someone I didn't even talk to anymore and in many cases, someone who was no longer living.  I cried over things that truly hurt my heart that happened with people years afterwards. Poems or songs written for me.  Letters written to me because they were thoughts from someone's mind I wanted to know all about. Poems, songs, little notes, and letters that were about me and made me feel good about myself.  Pictures and most of all a rotating carousel that can move fast until you get to the memory you want to think about and then slow down so you can thoroughly think about that memory.  I'm blessed or cursed to remember every little thing about a moment.....even what I was wearing.  A memory of love shown through words or actions. 

Friday, March 30th someone sat in my kitchen after listening to me talk and said, "You're not sentimental at all." I've been thinking about that and I even talked about it with my therapist today so you know it has significance if I tell her.  Somewhere and somehow I've lost the sentimentalist I used to be.  I suppose somewhere deep down a smidgen of that person is left because there are still things I feel sentimental about but they are rare and most the time I might start to have that feeling about someone or something and I find myself just saying things like "nah" or "that's okay" and realizing I either don't feel that way anymore about that person or thing or it is just way too easy to talk myself out of those feelings and just abandon the object or the thoughts of that person.  

These days it manifests itself in the things I throw away never to be seen again.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Tonight I put three things in the garbage for the garbage man tomorrow......three things I never thought I'd part with.  Sentimental things meant to remind me of a person I loved or a memory I have about someone.  

A memory isn't a thing.  I've come to realize that and sometimes I wish I could erase my memories about some people the same way I just throw things away and then pouf (Adam Sandler reference there) part of those things that have held tight to you or you held tight to......take your pick, vanished with the things you throw away.  It has felt too good to throw some things away.  Some things it might seem callous to some that I threw away.  But it feels way too good like you just put a little bit more distance between you and that person or those painful memories you've held on to. 

Right now, I'm just wondering how far am I going to go?????  When it comes to what I throw away......I just wonder. 

 I guess when I finally get 12,000 miles away in my new home and I look around and see what I actually did bring with me then I'll know.  

Even then, I bet something sentimental sneaks itself in only to be thrown away there.  

But basically, I've learned not to care anymore about anyone who never cared about me despite the letters, songs, poems, pictures, or memories that say otherwise....that say they did care. I guess I don't make excuses for others anymore. They'd still be here if they wanted to. 

I've learned not to care about those objects that I hung on to.  

I think about those three things sitting out in the trash can waiting on the trash man tomorrow morning and nothing in me wants to go out and get them back.  

I think about the way I feel about people these days.....people who meant something to me, people I cared about, and people I loved.  I finally get it......how exactly you let go of a person despite anything they ever meant to you.  I wondered for years how people did that you see....I was too sentimental to do that but not anymore.  I finally know how. Not that I don't sit here and write about these things with tears in my eyes because I've changed and the past is indeed gone.  

Maybe now the only thing I'm sentimental about is the loss of my old self.....my old life.  Most the time I feel good about who I am, what I have, who I have in my life, and most of all for the bravery or courage to be who I am and to do what I choose to do. 

Never Be The Same

Weird week.  You take my place.....the only place I want to be.  Then it seems like everyone wants to give you reason after reason it won't work.  Finally, I had to just distance myself from all of them.  Lots of people not in my shoes without the resources I have make it.  There is NO reason I can't do it too.  Their mindset isn't where mine is and they're too in a hurry to really listen to all of the details.  

I admit it.....I had anxiety and it led to a little panic attack which is all I have these days anyway.  I blocked it all out.  I left my phone in the room and went swimming in the ocean....that cleansing, connecting, rejuvenating place that fixes anything and motivates.  I haven't found a problem yet that doesn't fix.  I'm done with them.  I'll do it myself.  

Sad that I realized this a little late.  I shouldn't have gotten all caught up in this early on and wasted precious time.  What ifs are always what gets you.  Things could have been different and probably what would have gotten what I wanted.....2 1/2 years ago.  But you get caught up in the day to day survival which you feel lucky to be doing and you don't think about the future. Yes, I got a little bit caught up in the revenge, the anger, and then the hatred.  Then finally I made it through to the place of I just don't care anymore.  Except I still feel like a knife gets stabbed through my heart every time I see the pictures or know I should be there too.  I don't see this going away ever but at least it isn't what it used to be.  That right there is reason #1 this just has to work out.  I have to disappear.  I have to be unreachable.  I have to start fresh.  The worst day here can be the best day there. 

So, here I am.  I'll get the new carpet, pay off my car, continue to clean out, continue to throw away, continue to pack, have the yard sale with Stephanie.  Next week is my interview.  I scored another interview here this week which is cool.  Never limit your opportunities.  

But when it comes to people.....you know where I am.  I'm not reaching out.  Only had one person I felt like I needed some closure with.  Didn't happen.  Oh well.  I'm used to being the bad guy.  The person everyone confuses everything I do for anything but what it really is and they never even let you explain.  That right there just proves they never really knew you at all. People are starting to realize this is really happening.  I wish I knew it 100% but maybe I do and I just can't trust it yet.  They'll go so far as to say they're thinking of what it will be like when I'm gone.  Some even say they don't want you to go and they wish you wouldn't.  You'll be so far away.....exactly what I want. But they can't fix things and they can't make things better. AND don't let me leave and THEN you reach out to me.  Too late. 

I'm sure there is more but this will do for now.  More coming I'm sure.