A long time ago when I was in my early twenties, someone played The End of the Innocence for me and said that was like what his life was like. He'd had something happen to him that had ended his innocence. Funny thing is the same thing had happened to me.....twice yet I didn't feel that way. I kept my hope and faith. My whole life I've kept it even when it would have been easier to give into it and give up.
Until now....seems things have just kept spiraling until they are in a totally new place these days. It has been a few months coming. I know what started it. Last week something made me get a little bit too in touch with my feelings coming from this one thing. Then Sunday night I sat in the Don Henley concert which was amazing and he played The End of the Innocence. Finally I got it. I don't know if you'd call it innocence or not. It is more like a life belief that you just can't believe anymore.
So Monday I finally admitted all this to my therapist. She already knew about the anger that had come out a few months ago. But the realization has been that if what happened really happened and it really did and it is probably even worse than I even know. Because I don't know. That's the thing, I don't know and I never will. I still ask her "Why did she do that?". I can't understand it. I did my best. I went above and beyond. I was there every day. No one else was. Yet it wasn't enough obviously or she wouldn't have done what she did and worse because I know there are things I don't know. Then there is the total cost of her actions. It really is unbelievable and I can't even ask her or have a conversation with her. Almost like my life has always been about being misunderstood but you don't expect it from anyone you thought really knew YOU.
I think back over my whole life way back to the first memory I ever had. For things to be the way they are today, then my whole life had to be one big lie. All the things I thought aren't true. Maybe K will work some sort of magic and make me see this isn't the case but the more I think about it, the more I see all the reasons it is the truth. It truly was the end of the innocence to loose everything you ever believed about your life. Then you're left with wondering how you could really be that oblivious or trusting and how awful it is that you were so trusting and happy believing what you believed and now it turns out it was all in your head. Worse is that there were warning signs everywhere and you ignored them because of love. So you give it up. I don't want it back anymore....how can you miss something that wasn't even real? How can you want it back when it really was nothing special the way you thought it was?
Now it is time to move on. It is time to be what I want to be, who I want to be, and where I want to be. The majority of memories will just haunt me. The ones I know were true with the one person not like the others, I will still think of and be glad they happened but that is it for the rest of it. Getting there is going to be a struggle along with just letting it go.
I really hope I can resolve this in some way, move past it, get over the anger, get over the hurt, and be where I should be with who I'm suppose to be with and doing what is truly me.
I kind of wish I could tell that person that I get it finally.......I get what the end of the innocence is. But that is over too.........
