Halloween Then and Now

It is a weird time.  What I'm finding out is that other than one situation I have to deal with every day, things are better than they were before with different people.  It is better to know who is truly on your side....who has your back or not.  Therefore, I had a better time last night than ever before. 

Five days until I get on a plane for LA.  I had the best time I ever have last summer in LA.  I look forward to a long weekend of fun again with my friends there.   I don't know what is better......the fun we will have or just being away from what I hate right now.  

Speaking of hate.....more pictures gone this week.  I love you and Happy Valentine's Day indeed.  FU
I hope somehow you know how I feel too. And it still leads to 100% of "I just don't care anymore." That's the way it is.  So try your best....it won't matter.  I'm over it.  

Goodbye is still MIA but that is good.  I don't want it.  

Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and NYE looks to be better than ever too. 

You still suffer when maybe I could have helped.  Your loss.

Yes, I REALLY did that

There's this new me you see.  She's a different one all right.  She thinks about doing things she never would have considered before.  She plans things she never would have done before and does them.....in the process of that right now and it feels damn good.  She does things she never would have done before.  The old me would have ignored the inconvenience and stood there and waited anyway even though it meant at least an extra thirty minutes when I'd already wasted thirty.  So, I didn't do it and I think about all that sitting there right now melting and ruining and I JUST DON'T CARE and it feels good not to care.  

The scary thing is it makes me just want to keep being what the old me would have considered callous, uncaring, and even mean and I still just don't care.  

Whoppers.....that would be what is in my candy dish I won. Constant reminder of someone I don't want to remember.  That's all.......

Goodbye

I know I say goodbye better than most do.  

Thoughts in words because I just don't think I can form the sentences:

how did I get here again
you??
unbelievable
misunderstood
disloyalty
fake
fucked up
pain
ending it
past doesn't matter
you can't make that one up
you can't fix it
saying I love you doesn't mean a damn thing sometimes

GOODBYE

Some Things I Know

Some Things I Know......

Unpacked my Halloween things this weekend.  

Every year someone used to give me a Halloween present but that won't happen this year.  Didn't matter though.  Sorority Tridistrict this weekend and I won the Halloween bowl full of candy I tried for.  So cute.  There's my Halloween present  Who needs you anyway?  Not me obviously!

Well, I woke from a dream this morning and it is the first one I've had that wasn't sad about family in months and months.  I don't even remember the last time I had a normal kind of dream except it wasn't anything I want to be dreaming about either.  Made me try again to help someone who needs it but won't listen......won't even make themselves available to listen.  That's it.  I'm done trying and please, please.....don't let me dream about that person again.  

Reiki today.....rainy day and during a full moon.  It flew by and I didn't really relax but I was open anyway to it.  Just like I thought....jealousy is a reason for it and there is constant talking behind my back.  So what.  You don't have what I have and you never will.  My protection put up a big wall around me today and my bracelets and my necklace had the energy built back up too.  

Less than a month until I go to California.  I'm so ready.  I intend to make the most of it.....every second of every minute I'm there.  

I can do this.  

Sometimes to love someone, you got to be a stranger

Profound words as I sat in the back on a mostly empty theater watching a movie just for the star in it.  A movie I didn't understand because it is part 2 of a series.  But....Ryan Gosling....you know!

One of the main characters said those words, "Sometimes to love someone, you got to be a stranger." and it was like they stabbed themselves into my heart and spread out into every little piece of it.  I'm not even sure what it means for me in every little way but it is big or I wouldn't have felt the way I did or react the way I did.  I cried and cried.

I sat there and thought of all the people I have loved and how many of them ended up not in my life yet I still have feelings for them.  Guess that is love.  Love as a stranger since we don't talk or anything.

Left me with the feeling why it wasn't enough.



Everyone has their breaking point and I might have reached mine today.  I would have to know the most annoying, critical, ridiculous person ever.  I can't take it anymore.  I'm going to snap at this person or either I'm going to manipulate things to ram my point home.......exactly what a critical, know it all, who thinks they're better than everyone else person you are.  I like manipulative personally and if I wasn't surprised and taken off guard every time they act like a major bitch, I have it all worked out exactly what I'd say and do.  But now I am going to expect it from the bitch.  She should watch out now.  It is on.

Let's Talk about the Past for a Minute

Grocery shopping today and I knew these would be in the store.  October is here.  These were always my favorite.  All of the holiday Reese's were because they have more peanut butter than chocolate and they taste fresh because they were made just for the holiday. Now I don't do sugar anymore since I'm a diabetic but I let myself have one of these.....old times sake and all that.  These were my dad's favorite too.  One of my favorite memories of my dad is sitting out on our front porch on Halloween waiting for trick or treaters and eating these almost nonstop and just talking.  It might even be THE memory of my dad I would choose to relive if I got to pick one. 

Today when I saw them in the store, I went to text my friend to tell her like I do every single year but I can't.  She chose not to be there anymore in my life and I still don't know why.  I hope she sees them too today or soon and she thinks of that too and exactly what she lost.  

Compassion can earn you some bad times.  So can being too nice.  Yet I still keep making that mistake even though I try to keep distance, not be friendly, and above all else...no trust.  However, I can't because it isn't being myself.  The person I am is social and likes to be nice, funny, and do things for others. I keep regretting it though and vowing to put that wall up and leave it.  I really really need to do that with the last person to take all that niceness and repay it with uncalled for behavior.  Starting tomorrow??

So, I'm cleaning things out, packing things up, doing a lot of throwing stuff away, etc. to get ready to move.  I like it.....cleaning out and the dream getting closer.  Believing in myself that I can and will do it.  

During this process I found this picture of my mom and someone I used to care for.....someone I might always care for a little bit.  I don't care for my mom anymore....I don't love her anymore.....I even am glad that she's not around so I don't have to deal with not wanting anything to do with her anymore. 

This other person I feel for because they got a rough deal of the cards at a young age.  It affected them and it still does.  I've always seen the person they could be but they never have and they definitely won't let anyone convince them of this.  They run and run and run and push you away so they can run some more.  I only wanted to say to them that I am going away and when I do every little thing is going in the past and I'm not taking it with me.  I wanted to say that I believe in them....I always did.  I wanted to say other things too but that mostly I hoped they could get over their past.  I got through and over mine, they could too.  Maybe it would mean nothing to them.  But they wouldn't let me say it.  One more thing I just don't understand but need to stay away from anyway.