Two Women

Two Women.......

Yesterday was the third year anniversary of the day one of my best friends, Angel, died from her cancer.  I miss her.  No one was like she was.  Feisty and stubborn yet kind and caring in a way others weren't.  She did something I couldn't do.....forgive no matter what and believe in the goodness of someone anyway.  She had cancer and she actually was in the cancer ICU at the same place my dad was off and on.  I went to visit her twice the first time she was there getting treatment and dang it if she wasn't in one of the rooms he'd been in on one of his stays.  I never thought I'd ever have to be there again.  The next February Natalie, Angel, and I went to Natalie's mom's beach house on Carrabelle Island.  We had the best time ever.  Nat's mom was a little eccentric with that house and she certainly had it decorated in an interesting way.  We hadn't been there long that first night and were just sitting around taking it all in and listening to Nat tell us about her mom and sisters when Angel gave the house a little nickname-The Knick Knack House of Horrors.  It was filled with knick knacks from antique stores or the Dollar store down the road.  But the funny thing was there was something everywhere that was a reminder of horror movies.  An old baby carriage that reminded us of Rosemary's Baby was the main thing I remember. There were other things that I don't remember sitting around.  Then when I went to bed in my room that night I was plugging my phone in to charge and noticed this ball of twine wrapped round and round and well, it looked just like the one in The Blair Witch Project.  It made for an interesting trip anyway.  

Then today is the one year anniversary of the day my best friend took her life in a very weird scenario none of us will ever understand.  The people who could shed light on this are nothing but proven liars when it comes to this situation so they are of no help.  We talked all the time and I was about to go visit her in a couple of weeks.  It didn't make sense.  The only thing that gave any light to the events that morning were that the police were there and witnesses to what happened even though that doesn't make us understand it any better. We will never know the "why".  But let's talk about her and who she was.  She was stubborn and feisty too despite all the bad she'd lived through in her life.  She wasn't willing to give up so I don't understand why she did. Weird thing is she might have been the first person I really talked to about the change I was going to make this year with my own life.  She understood because she did the same thing moving to Texas but it just didn't turn out the way she hoped and she was moving home. I'd like to think she'd be proud of me for carrying this out, fighting for what I wanted, giving up things with just the hope of what I wanted happening, and the tenacity and bravery I have to have every day. I think she is.

I hear "I'm proud of you" all the time now.  Well, I'm proud of myself that I got the fighter back, the tenacious one, the one that doesn't give up, and the best thing is the new thing.  Finally, I realize, that the wrong people for you are not worth putting your happiness at risk for just because you are sentimental about what they USED to mean to you or the hope you could be there or in a better place with them.  I got a text this week from someone who made the choice last October to take sides, even if she thinks she didn't, and walk away. Actions people, not words.  I don't want your words. Your actions spoke for you. I'll be glad when I get moved....new place, new address, new phone number and no one will be able to get in touch with me unless I gave you the info.  Just disappearing is a good feeling it turns out. I think that will put a stop to the contact with those I don't won't on their end and I know without a doubt that any contact won't be coming from me.

It would be easy to have just given up so many times in this process.  It would be easy to give up right now but somehow every thing I work for and fight for falls into place in my favor.  It is a process with steps up a ladder.  But I make each step through a whole lot of tenacious stubbornness and fight and I'm one step closer to the top.  

So, bottom line......don't risk happiness if you have it and fought hard for it for anyone who used to mean something.  They aren't in your life anymore for a reason.  And don't give up.  Believe in yourself and your fight to achieve anything you want to.  Both traits of the two women I miss every day and I'm glad I got those things about myself back and all the people that were the wrong people for me that contributed to the person I'm NOT anymore didn't win. 

Happiness

Somehow the happiness came back as a normal all day every day thing.  I didn't even notice.  But I realized it when I went back to something with someone who made me unhappy, mad, hurt and realized all the things this person did they didn't even remember or they thought nothing of it.  Plus they didn't know me if they thought the things they did.  

Having my happiness I didn't even know was there all the time again threatened made me realize I'm just not willing to give that up for anyone for any reason.  

Forget sentimentalism about the past or what the future brings.  

I choose HAPPINESS!

Don't Ever Think You Can Go Back

I tried going back this week.  Big mistake. Huge mistake.  You get told things you don't really want to hear.  Your feelings get hurt all over again because things you remember, they don't.  You thought you were better friends than they did.  So, here I am.  Sorry I did it.  Irritated at myself.  

But, the amazing and great thing is I realized after two days of feeling like crap because of it......I'm better!  I got better and I didn't even realize it.  I'm stronger than I ever thought I was.  And I'm not going back!  I will never think I can again and most of all, I will never ever do it again.  

No matter who or what.  

Halfway Regrets

Halfway regrets.....

Two years ago I was dealing with the death of my mom, cleaning out and selling my childhood home, family issues stemming from the death of my mom, and realizing exactly who had my back and who didn't. 

I needed the constant.  Things and people that were strong and would be there.  People that would be consistent.  But this is what I got......

My mechanic......I was looking in the wrong places again for what I needed and got burned by the same person again.  But the thing is I'm all about the revenge.  Then wasn't the time to do me wrong at all. I was holding in so much anger, hurt, and hatred even.  So, I revel in what I did to get that one back.  I'll never regret that really although there are regrets I have about that relationship.  

My love......my heart......my past......still looking for what I needed.  For months you were sweet to me and kind and it was like it used to be but better because of being grown up.  I wanted that sweet story of a dream come true.  But you couldn't or wouldn't be my constant either.  One thing I never understand is how one day things can be one way which is pretty good and then the next it all changes. There was that anger, hurt, and hatred just bubbling and brewing underneath waiting.  I burn my bridges only too well and once again, I will always make sure I make you feel worse that you made me feel.  Always or either I just won't care.  Did the same thing to you that I did to my mechanic.  But it worked oh so much better than it did with my mechanic. This I feel a little bad for because it should have been different.  The past got in the way.  My insecurities got in the way.  No way to fix it though.

Crespo......not mine, never was, never will be.  Yet you made me feel the worst I've ever felt in my entire life.....ever.  How that is possible, I just don't know.  Still that anger, hurt, and hatred was there bubbling and brewing and waiting.  You got it too.  Pissed you off but then you really didn't care.  But I focused on you and didn't let up and it worked to.  You went from good job you shouldn't of had, tons of friends, living in a little bit of paradise to losing that job, none of those friends but the crazy one, and having to load all your stuff up in a truck with a trailer that lost lights not even halfway to "home" where you were forced to run too.  All you had to do was be nice and respectful.  You picked the wrong person to treat that way. 

My Chris......hated you from the beginning.  Lied to about you and lied about to you. Then one night we're in the same place at the same time and you came up to me.  We ended up talking for probably four hours straight filling in all the holes and after that you were my best friend for years.  Bold you who always was never afraid to say what you felt to me.  Bold you who never had any problem whatsoever telling me you thought I was the love of your life. The weekend I was actually going to be in the same state you live in and you wanted to drive hours to sleep on my hotel room floor, take me someplace fun I can't even remember now, and then take me to the airport to go home. Those lovely past things I deal with kept me from going to visit you twice......once for the amazing weekend we planned and once when you needed me to go to court with you for support. But there was a little problem......alcoholism can cause you to do and say things you wouldn't sober.  You got verbally abusive to me and I'm not putting up with that.  Twice.  Second time was it.  I know you finally went to rehab and you are sober now and I'd probably make up with you if you tried  to talk to me and apologized which I know you'd do.  I didn't let my anger, hurt, or hatred out on you.  Cared about you I guess.  You gave me new hurt though.  New tears.  I just walked away.  

I don't regret my mechanic or Crespo and I never will.  I do regret how things went with with my love, my heart, my past and I regret how things turned out to be with My Chris. 

But, the past is the past.  The whole point is that things would have been different in all four situations with all four people had I not dealt with what I did courtesy of the person who should have loved me the most.  

Sitting here thinking about each one.......I miss Chris.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough to reach out to him.  

My life motto these days is.....Let people do the lame shit they are going to do and don't let it affect you.  Don't care.  

Makes things so much better and easier.  

Forgiveness

I'm not sure how on earth I got everything done that I did the last week.  I do know I slept every night like the dead from working so hard.  

So, here comes Sunday.  Last day to get things ready for Monday morning at 8:30. I was down to my closet and finishing up going through a few things from the closets downstairs.  I finished the downstairs and then went up to deal with my closet.  Once again, find stuff I didn't even know I had which means you don't need it if you weren't missing it so in the trash or to be donated it goes.  

Then I find a box with folders....the kind with the brads you can put paper on.  Two folders with notes and things that were memories from high school.  Then two folders that were my high school journals.  I graduated to actual journals in college.  I'm flipping through one of my folder journals when I get to this time in my life a few months before college.  I read it and I don't even remember that day and what happened.  The first thing I noticed is something I said in it at the end of my "story" of the day.  I said, "At least she can't get to me and change my life.  I'm not going to let her."  Yet, here I am 30 years later almost exactly and stuck with the realization that unfortunately, she did just that.  She changed my life for the worse and I didn't even realize it, I ignored it, and now I'm stuck with the dislike, indifference, and sometimes hatred for someone I should never feel that way about.  She affected everything.  Now, I understand the why of things I did and didn't do.  I understand the things that got screwed up and how they could have been different if I wasn't this person she made me.  

I read all about that day and everything that happened and my heart breaks.  So much I just don't understand and I can't.  Why??  Why did she say and do those things? Yes, I stuck up for myself every chance I got but it didn't stop it from happening over and over again.  Maybe that is why I'm so strong though.  

Forgiveness....I don't think so.  You went too far......way too far.  No one could forgive that over and over and over again.  Love....yeah, right.  If that is your idea of love, no thank you.  

Here I am stuck....never be able to say these things to the person I want to but you better believe I would if I could and then I'd be done.  

The thing is because I was her victim all these other people saw that I was a victim they could take advantage of and treat the way they did.  I guess I'm lucky I did meet a few good ones that would never do that to anyone.  I don't ever want to attract the abusers again that see that victim in me.  I refuse to be that victim anymore.  The worst thing is how it scared me into not doing the things I really wanted.  I never took those chances when I should have.  

Yet, here I am.  Making the biggest change of my life.  Not turning away and not being scared and chickening out.  Living it one day at a time working for what I want.  I hope this is the start to the way it is always going to be.