Two Women

Two Women.......

Yesterday was the third year anniversary of the day one of my best friends, Angel, died from her cancer.  I miss her.  No one was like she was.  Feisty and stubborn yet kind and caring in a way others weren't.  She did something I couldn't do.....forgive no matter what and believe in the goodness of someone anyway.  She had cancer and she actually was in the cancer ICU at the same place my dad was off and on.  I went to visit her twice the first time she was there getting treatment and dang it if she wasn't in one of the rooms he'd been in on one of his stays.  I never thought I'd ever have to be there again.  The next February Natalie, Angel, and I went to Natalie's mom's beach house on Carrabelle Island.  We had the best time ever.  Nat's mom was a little eccentric with that house and she certainly had it decorated in an interesting way.  We hadn't been there long that first night and were just sitting around taking it all in and listening to Nat tell us about her mom and sisters when Angel gave the house a little nickname-The Knick Knack House of Horrors.  It was filled with knick knacks from antique stores or the Dollar store down the road.  But the funny thing was there was something everywhere that was a reminder of horror movies.  An old baby carriage that reminded us of Rosemary's Baby was the main thing I remember. There were other things that I don't remember sitting around.  Then when I went to bed in my room that night I was plugging my phone in to charge and noticed this ball of twine wrapped round and round and well, it looked just like the one in The Blair Witch Project.  It made for an interesting trip anyway.  

Then today is the one year anniversary of the day my best friend took her life in a very weird scenario none of us will ever understand.  The people who could shed light on this are nothing but proven liars when it comes to this situation so they are of no help.  We talked all the time and I was about to go visit her in a couple of weeks.  It didn't make sense.  The only thing that gave any light to the events that morning were that the police were there and witnesses to what happened even though that doesn't make us understand it any better. We will never know the "why".  But let's talk about her and who she was.  She was stubborn and feisty too despite all the bad she'd lived through in her life.  She wasn't willing to give up so I don't understand why she did. Weird thing is she might have been the first person I really talked to about the change I was going to make this year with my own life.  She understood because she did the same thing moving to Texas but it just didn't turn out the way she hoped and she was moving home. I'd like to think she'd be proud of me for carrying this out, fighting for what I wanted, giving up things with just the hope of what I wanted happening, and the tenacity and bravery I have to have every day. I think she is.

I hear "I'm proud of you" all the time now.  Well, I'm proud of myself that I got the fighter back, the tenacious one, the one that doesn't give up, and the best thing is the new thing.  Finally, I realize, that the wrong people for you are not worth putting your happiness at risk for just because you are sentimental about what they USED to mean to you or the hope you could be there or in a better place with them.  I got a text this week from someone who made the choice last October to take sides, even if she thinks she didn't, and walk away. Actions people, not words.  I don't want your words. Your actions spoke for you. I'll be glad when I get moved....new place, new address, new phone number and no one will be able to get in touch with me unless I gave you the info.  Just disappearing is a good feeling it turns out. I think that will put a stop to the contact with those I don't won't on their end and I know without a doubt that any contact won't be coming from me.

It would be easy to have just given up so many times in this process.  It would be easy to give up right now but somehow every thing I work for and fight for falls into place in my favor.  It is a process with steps up a ladder.  But I make each step through a whole lot of tenacious stubbornness and fight and I'm one step closer to the top.  

So, bottom line......don't risk happiness if you have it and fought hard for it for anyone who used to mean something.  They aren't in your life anymore for a reason.  And don't give up.  Believe in yourself and your fight to achieve anything you want to.  Both traits of the two women I miss every day and I'm glad I got those things about myself back and all the people that were the wrong people for me that contributed to the person I'm NOT anymore didn't win.