Halfway Regrets

Halfway regrets.....

Two years ago I was dealing with the death of my mom, cleaning out and selling my childhood home, family issues stemming from the death of my mom, and realizing exactly who had my back and who didn't. 

I needed the constant.  Things and people that were strong and would be there.  People that would be consistent.  But this is what I got......

My mechanic......I was looking in the wrong places again for what I needed and got burned by the same person again.  But the thing is I'm all about the revenge.  Then wasn't the time to do me wrong at all. I was holding in so much anger, hurt, and hatred even.  So, I revel in what I did to get that one back.  I'll never regret that really although there are regrets I have about that relationship.  

My love......my heart......my past......still looking for what I needed.  For months you were sweet to me and kind and it was like it used to be but better because of being grown up.  I wanted that sweet story of a dream come true.  But you couldn't or wouldn't be my constant either.  One thing I never understand is how one day things can be one way which is pretty good and then the next it all changes. There was that anger, hurt, and hatred just bubbling and brewing underneath waiting.  I burn my bridges only too well and once again, I will always make sure I make you feel worse that you made me feel.  Always or either I just won't care.  Did the same thing to you that I did to my mechanic.  But it worked oh so much better than it did with my mechanic. This I feel a little bad for because it should have been different.  The past got in the way.  My insecurities got in the way.  No way to fix it though.

Crespo......not mine, never was, never will be.  Yet you made me feel the worst I've ever felt in my entire life.....ever.  How that is possible, I just don't know.  Still that anger, hurt, and hatred was there bubbling and brewing and waiting.  You got it too.  Pissed you off but then you really didn't care.  But I focused on you and didn't let up and it worked to.  You went from good job you shouldn't of had, tons of friends, living in a little bit of paradise to losing that job, none of those friends but the crazy one, and having to load all your stuff up in a truck with a trailer that lost lights not even halfway to "home" where you were forced to run too.  All you had to do was be nice and respectful.  You picked the wrong person to treat that way. 

My Chris......hated you from the beginning.  Lied to about you and lied about to you. Then one night we're in the same place at the same time and you came up to me.  We ended up talking for probably four hours straight filling in all the holes and after that you were my best friend for years.  Bold you who always was never afraid to say what you felt to me.  Bold you who never had any problem whatsoever telling me you thought I was the love of your life. The weekend I was actually going to be in the same state you live in and you wanted to drive hours to sleep on my hotel room floor, take me someplace fun I can't even remember now, and then take me to the airport to go home. Those lovely past things I deal with kept me from going to visit you twice......once for the amazing weekend we planned and once when you needed me to go to court with you for support. But there was a little problem......alcoholism can cause you to do and say things you wouldn't sober.  You got verbally abusive to me and I'm not putting up with that.  Twice.  Second time was it.  I know you finally went to rehab and you are sober now and I'd probably make up with you if you tried  to talk to me and apologized which I know you'd do.  I didn't let my anger, hurt, or hatred out on you.  Cared about you I guess.  You gave me new hurt though.  New tears.  I just walked away.  

I don't regret my mechanic or Crespo and I never will.  I do regret how things went with with my love, my heart, my past and I regret how things turned out to be with My Chris. 

But, the past is the past.  The whole point is that things would have been different in all four situations with all four people had I not dealt with what I did courtesy of the person who should have loved me the most.  

Sitting here thinking about each one.......I miss Chris.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough to reach out to him.  

My life motto these days is.....Let people do the lame shit they are going to do and don't let it affect you.  Don't care.  

Makes things so much better and easier.