Not sure I know.....

 Tea time for me she says......

What was supposed to be about tea time for me turned into me imparting wisdom.   You see I finally did what most spend their whole life trying to accomplish.  That would be being unshakable, not caring, not letting anything that won't matter in a month or six months or a year take over your thoughts so much that you obsess about it because it bothers you. 

The thing is every once in awhile I try with someone who I wish could be there the way they were or the way I thought they were and 99% of the time it doesn't work out.  I don't get it except that I know now I never gave the true self to anyone.  I didn't know who that was for a long time and my whole life never prepared me for anything other than not knowing how and not understanding why. 

One of us had/has the career and spontaneity of living freely and one of us has the family and all that is supposed to come with that.  We make a whole person together but who is to say either one one has the best or the worst? One thing I know is our pasts are at the root of both our lives.  Maybe we should ditch our lives as we know them and go off together and leave it all behind because that could be laughter and the best thing ever. 

I have so much to say to everyone but who wants to hear it?  Deep waters and all that.  Not a lot of people are comfortable with that or they don't believe it.  I don't get that.  If there is one thing I am all of the time it is sincere and truthful. 

Most the time all I really want is to ask why because I certainly don't understand it.  

Someone asked me recently if I was still focusing on others because I can make things happen when I want. I said no.  I just don't care anymore but evidently I don't really have to.  Subconsciously I do or the universe just listens to my feelings that are always there.  

I see the person who most deserves nothing but bad dig themselves in deeper every day.  I've lost several very important people to me to suicide.  Nothing is worse yet this one who deserves bad and who only wrecks everyone's life they get involved in while pretending to be this devoted Christian (I didn't say devout or even moral) talks about it and has even tried.  How could some of the best people I've ever known succeed and this one who needs to be gone and stop wrecking others lives not succeed?  I know....if that is what you really want then it is easy.  Trying over and over and talking about it but never getting the job done is pathetic and just attention seeking. It is easy.  You really want to die......takes nothing at all to make it happen.  This one needs to succeed because that is the only way they will stop destroying others lives.  

Another one I know who deserves nothing but bad is in a bad place right now and I don't know what is going on at all and I won't.  But they are there regardless of what it is.  I can't help but wish nothing but bad on some of these people.  God is just.  Everyone who does wrong and bad gets theirs eventually and in the worst ways of all.  

But I am good in ways others just don't have and never will.  Security surrounds me and I fought for it and was rewarded it.  Some will say it wasn't worth the pain to get here.  I say I didn't have a say so in the pain and the price I paid but I certainly will enjoy the way things have ended up and all the good.  I will enjoy it a little bit more because all the kindness and goodness might have been wasted on some but who is living their best life and who is at rock bottom now? The sad thing is had you been a nice and good person and actually paid attention you could be living it with me.  

I'm not sure I know at all the why though.  

Thanksgiving 2020

 This year is a different year this year.  If you had asked me at anytime before February 2020 if the world would ever have a new virus/disease to wreck havoc I would have said no.  We are advanced.  We have vaccinations now and why would something new come along? Wrong.  I had it but it started in September.  Anyone who says that virus wasn't out in the world until February is wrong.  I flew home on an international flight in August.  I wasn't all the way over it until December.  I went to five doctors and no one could really tell what I had and so no medicine they gave me helped.  But this isn't about that.

It is about Thanksgiving and the year I learned it wasn't about the food.  Coming from a family like mine you would think I would have always known that.  I don't talk about my mother at all. This isn't about that either.  

     I will always cook Thanksgiving dinner even I cook for no one but myself.  Why? It is about the year I had to get to Kroger before they closed and buy deli turkey and stove top stuffing.  The only thing normal was the mashed potatoes.  We may have had green beans also. Why? Someone else's selfishness and lack of caring.  I realized this day is not about the food that year.  It is about sacrifice and love and being together.  

It really is ironic now that I missed the normal family Thanksgiving to be with my mother and make sure we had some semblance of Thanksgiving.  So, it was just the two of us.  I got the little food I had been able to find at Kroger ready while the home health care nurse changed her wound bandaging.  We ate.  

Then we laid in her bed with the tv on.  Took a little nap.  Then we watched the parade and there was a dog show on.  We always loved to watch dog shows together.  

It will always hurt that I was the one there 24/7 who made the sacrifices and did what was needed but then I was the one who ended up where I am.  That is why I don't talk about her and don't think about her either.  My love is gone for her but she isn't the only one.  The favored one is the same in my book.  The selfish one who caused us to eat deli turkey and stove top stuffing that year.  

Lesson learned but it doesn't change the way I feel now about either of them.  It just makes it okay that I cook every year even if it is just for me and my cat, Willie. I can even though I know it isn't about the food now.  I will still honor the tradition even if it is alone and this year for the first time in five years I actually am okay and can see all the things I have to be thankful for.  

I conquered my demons unlike some who never will.  I never gave up although it felt like I was as close to giving up as I'd ever been.  I was but I got through it.  I always wanted to know how to not care and now I do.  But there is a lot I care about.  But that feeling of not giving up on a person without being heartbrokenly sad making it so hard to stop trying with them is gone.  That is not me anymore.  I finally learned how to get closure and how to not care.  Best thing that I ever learned.  

Hopefully next year will be more normal.

Sweet & Pretty and the Sting

 One year and 8 days have gone by since I wrote anything here.  I've written lots in my journal but not here.  I think when I bought that lock necklace and locked it down I didn't want to write here anymore.  Who knows who is reading this and never says a word to me. I did lock it down majorly.  I've found that people inside the walls can still get to you and so you shove them against the wall and that is where they stay.  I'm down to two I guess who are there all the time.  They worry about me so much after what I confessed to doing June 22nd, 2019 that the first thing they say is "Are you okay?". Even when they can't talk I get that and I say I'm ok so they know to go back to what they were doing.  I hope and pray and feel pretty certain I'll never be where I was June 22nd, 2019 ever again.  I don't feel like I will.  I took my doctor's advice and since then things have turned around and gone in the opposite direction. I don't ever want to go back to that place again.  It was really scary for awhile how close I came to something I really don't want because I didn't care about myself that night at all.  The reason I didn't was because it didn't seem anyone else did either.  It has always seemed like I was the forgotten one but then if I wasn't made to feel that way I ran away anyway.  I know why now and I also know I'd rather be the one who runs away than the one left standing feeling forgotten or overlooked or less than anyone else.   

Come February I took a huge step of dealing with what was the catalyst for June 22nd, 2019 or maybe I should say who was the catalyst.  Eventually I said what I wanted to say to this person but left out the night of June 22nd, 2019.  It hasn't mattered much except maybe I got some insight.  But there I was again.  You see all the things in yourself in someone else.....all the pain, the hurt, and everything else that makes you connected to someone but they don't want to fight the demons together.  Some don't even want to admit they have the demons.  You've been too busy pretending like you've got it together to some so that person you pretend to be is who they think you are.  I must be really good at hiding all that unlike these other people or really it is probably because I do have gifts to see and know things others wouldn't. I'd really like to know the "why" behind some things about others.  I can tell my "why" but so many others can not do that.  

The thing is I went through some things a whole lot earlier in life that most other people did.  Been there, done that.......twice in one area of my life and several times in another. Some people reach out to me because they know I've been through what they are going through already.  I get the "you missed your calling-you should be a therapist or counselor" all the time.  Maybe it is because I have 6 months of an internship to do to get my Master's in counseling.  Something I probably never will finish. Then there are the secrets I will never tell of things I've been through. 

Someone asked me about a month ago if I still used my mind and thoughts to focus on others who needed a little bit or a whole lot of karma.  The answer was no.  I am in a place where I just don't care anymore.  If it isn't going to matter in a week or month or 6 month or in a year or never then why would I waste time on letting it matter while it happens to me at all?  However, either people come across their own karma because they do deserve it or I don't even have to consciously focus on them anymore. 

It is uncanny how some go through the same things you do when you do or after you do.  You don't even know until much later and you shouldn't even know either.  It is a fluke the way you find out.  The empath in me wants to reach out but will not anymore.  Read above and you will get why.  

I'm probably a very bad person for enjoying that others end up in the same places I've been due to their behaviors, actions, and a whole lot of karma catching up to them.  But there is a difference.  I have never treated anyone the way I've been treated.....ever.  I've played tit for tat with several.  I haven't been able to fight the natural instinct of revenge until recently.  The rule has been I will and I can make you suffer a whole lot more than you made me.  You start it but I'll finish it. I've never been someone you want to have as an enemy because of that.  I'm a Scorpio and known for that sting but I'm also an empath and that is my first instinct when dealing with others. Reason for the nice sweet and pretty Scorpio sign as a tattoo in one place and then a wicked looking scorpion in another. 

Sweetness or sting......you decide which.  Although these days you won't get anything out of me at all.  That's the not caring you see.  But I take a little bit of pleasure in knowing karma dealt you a few life lessons you needed to learn and I still feel the caring too.  I am the sweet & pretty and the sting at the same time.   

Memories and locks

I'm doing that thing again.  Wake up around 2:30-3:00 AM every night but things must be better than last year when I was doing that because I am able to fall back asleep.  But while I'm awake I'm thinking hard about a variety of things that occupy my mind.  Having a conversation with myself?  Someone else without a name?  Sometimes someone I know or used to know.  So, last nights rambling thoughts were really a lot.  Facebook and its Memories of past events on this day are responsible for this and seeing someone from my past yesterday I haven't seen in a few years. Went something like this.....

We don't appreciate things while we have them.  We take it for granted that the people and the everyday going ons will always stay the way they are.  Slowly things change and people disappear for many different reasons. 

First picture was from two years ago.  Lisa was in it and it has been a little over a year since she chose to leave this life.  Michelle, Melinda, and Marcia were all in it too.  They are still around in my life. 

Second group of pictures was from four years ago (where does time go) and they were of Farm Rock weekend for my birthday.  VIP you know. :) Marla and Aaron were in them along with all my band friends.  Crystal and Lynda were too.  Aaron didn't last long.  We talked and talked and I was glad to make a new friend until TWO days later he lays on me that he probably shouldn't tell me but he knows he is in love with me.....after two days of being around each other.   That always annoys me and it usually happens way too often but not these days.  But we will get to that. 

Marla.....well back in May/June when I was a serious basket case I went to her for some support?  Help?  Just being there.  Well, she wasn't.  She actually made me feel like absolute shit because of what she said to me about the situation I was in.  Which absolutely amazes me.  She is constantly saying all this bleeding heart crap about being there for people, etc, etc, etc. but the ONLY time I needed her she actually said shit to me that made it worse.  WTF? But I went on.  Then there was the night that rock bottom that had already turned into a basement which had then turned into a wine cellar went even further down into the storm shelter.  I hate that night and hate the person who caused it and I hate Marla because she was part of it and I hate what I'd just lived through and sometimes I hate myself for letting it all do what it did to me.  Then she did that thing and chose something else instead of a commitment to me.  That's a deal breaker these days.  She gets it.....she runs her mouth too much and so I've had to see where she says someone is ghosting her.  Well I guess so after those two things.  Can't depend on her and these days I HAVE to be able to depend on you for you to be in my life at all.  

Then there was all the Robby birthday pictures.  He turns 13 today and my heart still breaks thinking of him sometimes.  Especially the last birthday we were together for.  The boy has heart.  But that memory from that day will just stay mine to hold on to and hope one day it means we're together again and the two of THEM won't ruin him and change him.  

Next set of pictures was from 9 years ago and it was my birthday weekend when Leslie, Nancy, Dawn, Dee, Karel, and I went to the mountains for the weekend.  Got up early and some of them wore their pj's, robes, crazy house slippers just for fun.  We met up at my place up there for the best breakfast there is.  We went on into North Carolina all the while laughing and acting our silly selves.  Went to my favorite waterfall.  Went back to one of the cabins we had for the weekend.  Drank a whole lot of tequila, laughed a whole lot more, took a lot of pictures, hot tubbed, and just had a great time.  Dee left this world by choice two years ago, Nancy had a hard time when her mom died and we're just not friends anymore, Dawn I talk to occasionally, Leslie is still my Leslie who doesn't go away and doesn't change even though we don't see each other that often-when we do we're just as close as always-that's the way it is since you've known each other since you were 7 years old, Karel is still my Karel but she moved to SC a few years ago and recently moved to Florida,  and just got the news she has cancer (that nightmare again) and me.....well I don't even know that person I was then anymore.  Better or worse now...I don't know.  Things have been too fucked up to even know. But I like to think better. 

Then the next set of pictures of the last Halloween Bonfire party Josh and Dee had.  Dee is still gone from this life by her choice.  Josh and I had a fight or whatever you want to call it back in September but then talked about but really nothing has changed and I say WHATEVER.  Let people do what they want.  Some of those people who were struggling somehow have ended up beyond happy.  I don't get it.  Here I still sit waiting for that to come to me and thinking of the times I thought is was but then it turns and goes the opposite direction.  So, I do things to make myself happy yet I'm still searching in one area that I need to be happy or okay anyway.  

So, after that night in June things have been a lot different.  I left the week after that night for California and then Kel joined me and then we went on to Maui for two weeks.  Maui to me means my resort with that view of that ocean, my favorite restaurants, all the shopping, and JoAnna. One night while we were waiting for a To Go order to be ready we were shopping.  A  necklace with a lock on in was in my favorite jewelry store.  Of course the key to it was sold separately but I didn't want the key.  I don't want the key.  That lock on that necklace is always around my neck and means what you think it would.  Locked down.  If you're not in my life then you're not coming in.  No one new.  No old one from the past coming back around.  Yeah, I still make new friends but they're not "in". I still date new guys but they're not "in" either.  

When the end of this conversation with myself came to an end in the middle of the night last night I had this sense of something I can't even name.  Faith in the future maybe. Faith in myself.  Certainty about the future.  Certainly about a decision I have already made but know how stressful that situation can be. Making the most of this life like some of my best friends can't do because they aren't here anymore.  

I have lived such a remarkable life and had so many experiences all over the world that no one else has.  Doubting myself, my worth, my decisions......crazy because I make what I want happen.  You could choose to go along for the ride and it is a damn good one or you could choose to be shallow and not even see what is right in front of you.  Doesn't matter.  I'm still living my life the best I can and getting everything out of it I can. 

That's that.....middle of the night thoughts are truthful and open and honest and revealing.  But that is me anyway.  Too bad it isn't or wasn't YOU. YOU=all the dumbasses I ditched because of the real them.  

Wild Horses

I simply don't want to forget and I'm too tired to write it so.......


Last week I was at Disney for their Halloween party on my Fall Break with about 20 people I work with.  I love Halloween, scary, ghosts, and just anything like that so I was in heaven.  I'm lucky to have found a place to work where half the people I work with love Disney as much as I do.  

The parade started out every night with cracks of thunder and then the Headless Horseman trotting his horse down the street through the park.  It was something else.....especially later when you could have your picture made with him.  

Anyway, I came home and my very first day back driving to work there is this car coming towards me flashing their lights with three other cars behind them and they are all driving slowly.  The lights blinded me but when I got close to them I saw that there were three beautiful horses running free down the road in front of the car.  The first one was black and the other two were brownish red.  I know I should count myself lucky that they didn't run into any of the cars there....including mine.  I had two cars behind me also.  But there they ran between the two lanes on a very dark road in a totally rural area but somewhat in the other lane in front of the car coming towards me.  Part of me is glad that they are surely back in their fence safe and sound.  But then there is the part of me that just watched them as I came to almost a complete stop not to hit them.  Their wild beauty as they were out of their fence and free......just running.  I could never truly say how it made me feel but it was good.  I want to feel that free all the time and I've figured out how to a lot of the time finally.  

Then something else that means something to me right now.  I went to see one of my favorite singers who used to head up a favorite band many years ago with my favorite college roomie.  He sings this song that I've always seen the beauty in it and how perfect it is even though it isn't personal to me.  The whole song is moving and perfect but when he sings these lines.......Well tell me when the kiss of love becomes a lie...... with such passion and truth and the way he breaks up the words and wrote the music to go with them......perfection.  I could listen to that line over and over and I do listen to the song over and over.  The more you listen, the more you love it.  And it means nothing personal to me.  It is just an amazingly written song sung by one of the best singers I've ever heard who sings it with such meaning and passion that you know it meant something to him and still does.  I think it is the passion he puts into it I love so much.  Few people are that passionate about anything good.  

So, here life is.......I moved and I found the new job and I went through one of the worst things I've ever been through during the time I moved and was unpacking and finishing out my last few weeks at one job into the time before I started the new job. For the first time ever, I was scared of where the things going on took me.  I consider myself lucky and I will never be there in that place again.  That I know.  

Truth is not letting the same person or people have new opportunities to disappoint you or hurt you.  What is even more important is don't let ANYONE have any opportunities to disappoint or hurt you.  That. So, stay away.....I make sure they do.  

But don't worry......I'm watching.  Those who've tried in the past or even succeeded (although I doubt they know it or some even care) still get theirs.  I'm still that person and I'm still messing with you.  You'll never know but all the bad you go through......comes from me.  Focusing.  Concentrating.  Making it happen to you.  Enjoying when once more I read or hear of your latest sad tale of what bad happened to you.  Good.  There could never be enough bad to come your way.  Maybe one day you'll realize where you went wrong, that you screwed yourself over, and that you picked the wrong person to be an ass to.  But I doubt it.  You'll go to your grave and never get it.  Ever. Who is better off? Me.....despite it all.  Me. Me. Me. 

Stupid people......my circle knows me and loves me and things are amazing there.  You missed out majorly in more ways than one.  

Hit another milestone.......net worth is now over half a mil and heading towards that million in 5-6 years.  

Took a lot of years, tears, meltdowns, and hitting rock bottom over and over but I'm still standing.  Stronger than ever.  No one will ruin that because I don't give anyone the chance.  You're in the circle you stay.....you're not then you'll never get in.  

Yeah, I have strong feelings about what I love which is sometimes experiences and sometimes something like that song I love so much right now.  But I something I have is just as important.  Unless you are me and you're not where I'm finally at then you won't get it.  For the first time ever, I truly have the ability to 100% not care about things, situations, people, and absolutely anything I don't want to.  That is freedom.  Wild horse freedom.

I Fell In Love With The Devil

People are having a little bit of a freak out about that song.....I Fell In Love With The Devil.  Listen to it and you get it.  If you don't, then you've never met and fallen in love with the wrong person.  That's what it is about and nothing more.  

Get ready for the random.....

Just got back from three weeks in Cali and then Maui then back to Cali to come home.  

Cali wasn't what had been planned. Almost so much so that I wish I hadn't of stayed there the first three days.  Then K came and we spent the day at the Venice Canals and then walked to Venice Beach and hung out there.  In N Out Burger of course.  

Next morning early.....flew to Maui.  First week in the villas. Got upgraded to ocean front. 4th of July there was fun.  Then braved the heat and the crowds for fireworks on Front Street in Lahaina. Once was enough.  Don't need to do that again. Second week in the resort.  Westin of course.  Stayed in the beach tower this year and wow....only complaint was you couldn't see the sunset from the lanai but the room and the lanai was really a wow. Already booked my time in the Nanea Villas for next year.  

Best day on Maui this year was when we rented a car.  Started out in the Iao Valley and that place was one of those places you go to and you feel it spiritually.  It is a special place maybe because of all of the history there and what took place there and a mixture of the beauty.  It was all cloudy and I love clouds in the mountains.  The stream and waterfall were not swimmable.  Too much water pouring due to rain I guess.  Then it started to really rain and we could have left but it was like being cleansed there by the rain so we kept going and hiking.  I was absolutely soaked but everyone else was just slightly wet.  Weird.  I'll never forget the time we spent there.  

Drove to Ho'okipa Beach.  Crossed the barriers and the sign that said Do Not Enter just like everyone else and hiked along all the lava rock that had made beautiful in and out arms reaching into the ocean and created some tide pools.  Watched the waves crash up on them and over them and sat there and looked at the beauty of it all while having that breeze feel like it was blowing away all the bad so you were free. Then tried our best to find Jaws....the beach with the biggest waves for surfers in the world but just couldn't.  Even stopped and asked how to get to it.  We knew the road you have to drive until it ends and then you hike down to the beach......3 mile hike round trip.  We were willing but never found the road.  So frustrating.  Went  back to Ho'okipa Beach to see the huge sea turtles that live there.  Neatest thing ever.  Then on to Big Beach which was gorgeous but still red flagged....no swimming and I wanted to swim so bad.   Skipped Little Beach.....the nude beach.  LOL  Then went to Le Perouse Beach which is where the last lava flow from the volcano flowed down to the ocean.  Very odd to drive down the little road with huge lava rocks all around you on both sides of the road.  Such beauty the whole day.  

Sad thing that on the way to the airport I saw the start of the fire on Maui.  We had to stop and let the fire trucks go by and turn in to where it was.  I think my flight was the last one to get to leave before they shut down the airport and evacuated it and Kihei.  I got out but K spent the night on a pool float on the floor of the high school gym once they evacuated the airport.  Took her two whole days to get home.  Crazy.  Always get an early flight out of Hawaii.  Burned 10,000 acres before they got it under control.  

I don't understand people.  Symbolic that I bought a lock on a necklace.  The thing I want the most is what I try to give.  I know you care but I can't think that way.  Self-preservation you see.  That person can't exist anymore.  But what I wouldn't give to say what I couldn't figure out I wanted to say then.  So, I did the best thing for me and maybe one day I will get to say it but probably I won't. Actions seem to say this is affecting you but it has to be you and I think it won't be.  One day it is going to be like all the others.....the ones I go days, weeks, and months without thinking about .  It just isn't right now.  

Here comes my chance to make things better....to start over and to get back to how I was and what I had before.  I pray this new opportunity gets me there.  

Everything seems to be falling into place anyway.  

Think About How Many Times I Have Fallen

......words from a favorite song

I know it has been forever since I wrote here.  I didn't stop writing.....it just wasn't here. Three months it has been and in three months I don't live where I used to, I don't work where I used to, rock bottom turned into the basement which turned into the wine cellar which turned into a tornado shelter.  My therapist and I laugh about that but really......

Got some happiness back by doing something I thought would be nostalgic and sad but it wasn't.  Not only did I survive but I made some choices and never gave up and ended up better for it.  I don't think I see all the better yet.....it hasn't been long enough but I feel it.  

So, here I sit on a semi-yearly trip I take to the same place to visit my friends and because I LIKE IT HERE.  But we will get to that later.  Last time I came was 8 months ago which was a very low point and not a good time at all to come here.  The problems I was facing stuck to me like glue the whole time I was here but now, being back, I'm glad to say I have been cleansed of all that as well as some people I needed to be rid of as well.  

Not a dream but more like an alternate reality you enter into.  One of my realities I end up in when I see my Reiki advisor is me running out of woods into a meadow filled with wild flowers that ends on a cliff above a beautiful aqua blue ocean.  I've gotten stuck in the woods before, I've spent most my time in the meadow, and sometimes I've jumped off of that cliff to swim in that ocean.  This time someone I needed out of my life was following me until I told him to stop....he had to stay in the woods.  I kept running and he couldn't follow.  When I stopped before I got to the cliff, my dad was there but I couldn't see him....I just felt him.  He held me by my shoulders and leaned in and kissed my forehead twice and said both times, "You are enough." But it wasn't just in that semi dream state I was in.  I felt his hands on me and him kiss my forehead and I heard his words as if he was in the room with me too.  He was there and I felt his hands on my shoulders and his kisses on my forehead and I heard him say those words to me. 

I read something yesterday and I'd put the whole thing here but it is too long. It said some things other "advice" articles haven't said.  Here is some of it and it is from an article about how it is your responsibility to change your life if you aren't happy with it.  

Often times, we settle for what we think is right, acceptable and safe. We are so dominated by the idea of staying because it feels scary to move. Because it feels frightening to face a whole new environment without the people, the things, or the places we’ve been so used to.
We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.

If you’re unhappy, MOVE. Because if you’re meant to stay in one place, you should have roots, instead of feet.

It just kept saying whatever you are unhappy with....job, place you live, love life, etc. then change it.  This was the part that got to me:

If you’re unhappy where you are right now, move. It’s as simple as that, I don’t know why we make everything so complicated. Why we spend so much of our time and energy scrutinizing everything, when the only thing we should really be thinking about is our own happiness.

Thus, instead of dreading and over-examining every decision you need to make in your life, trust your guts. Sometimes, taking risks and clinging to perplexity is a good thing. You don’t always have to weigh the pros and cons of things, sometimes there is only one thing that really, truly matters and that is; your happiness, your passion for this life and your hunger for a contented heart. You don’t have to be sure of where you’re going or what the next step is; sometimes all you have to do is take the first step and that is to MOVE.

I sit here looking out this window right now from an old hotel where I'm at that has seen many movies, videos, and picture shoots happen here.  It is so old the windows still open.  I have them open right now and the breeze blows in, moving the curtains, as I look out past the beauty of the window into the beauty of the view of the blue sky against mountains not like ones I'm used to at home.  And I have peace.  Peace in my place someone tried to ruin.  Peace in my place when lately all it seems to be is the wrong people who have no business being there and acting the way they do but then I have no business giving anyone the time of day and the benefit of the doubt when actions speak louder than any words can.  I am enough. And I am through. I'm sorry plans got messed up a little today but then I think I needed this time to sit here and look out at the mountains, feel the breeze, and just be.  I keep losing myself or so I think.  I let the world make me think that anyway. 

That article I read really hit me.  It was like it was written for me because I do all of the things it says not to do and only recently have I started doing what it says to do.....just change it.....just move.  Don't overthink it.  I don't know when it will be but I'm making the bigger steps in the future to where I want to be and I'm not overthinking it so I don't do it.  I'm happier and I don't want to get too content where I'm at so more has to come. For once, I don't see any decision you make as "running away".  Yes, some things that drag you down on a constant basis will follow you but that shouldn't stop you from just MOVING.....do something.

In addition to all the other "gifts" I was born with, I'm also an empath.  I should say that a couple of weeks ago a student of mine I taught in 3rd grade, who was slated to be valedictorian next year when he graduated, died in a horrible car accident with no understanding of how it even happened.  But, I drove by there right before it happened and I was in my new home when I heard all the sirens.  Sadly, I did not know the name of the person to know it was him until the day after his memorial service because his family wanted it kept quiet.  So, when I did know I went out to where it happened and to where his mom took all the flowers from the memorial service out to where someone had put a white cross.  It was a rough few days because I felt his presence all around me.  I can see how the accident looked and what he was wearing although there are no pictures.  I can feel so sad for that little 3rd grader I taught maybe 10 years ago who was a math genius and really going places. What I can't do is understand although someone reminded me that we enter into this world already with a known day we will exit it.  We just don't know our exit day but we have to believe what comes next is better. 

This fall a friend of mine and I will have known each other 30 years.  I tell him that and he says back to me that means we will have known each other more of our lives than we didn't know each other.  What a weird thought.

I can't say where I'll be this time next year.  It will be interesting to see though.