I'm doing that thing again. Wake up around 2:30-3:00 AM every night but things must be better than last year when I was doing that because I am able to fall back asleep. But while I'm awake I'm thinking hard about a variety of things that occupy my mind. Having a conversation with myself? Someone else without a name? Sometimes someone I know or used to know. So, last nights rambling thoughts were really a lot. Facebook and its Memories of past events on this day are responsible for this and seeing someone from my past yesterday I haven't seen in a few years. Went something like this.....
We don't appreciate things while we have them. We take it for granted that the people and the everyday going ons will always stay the way they are. Slowly things change and people disappear for many different reasons.
First picture was from two years ago. Lisa was in it and it has been a little over a year since she chose to leave this life. Michelle, Melinda, and Marcia were all in it too. They are still around in my life.
Second group of pictures was from four years ago (where does time go) and they were of Farm Rock weekend for my birthday. VIP you know. :) Marla and Aaron were in them along with all my band friends. Crystal and Lynda were too. Aaron didn't last long. We talked and talked and I was glad to make a new friend until TWO days later he lays on me that he probably shouldn't tell me but he knows he is in love with me.....after two days of being around each other. That always annoys me and it usually happens way too often but not these days. But we will get to that.
Marla.....well back in May/June when I was a serious basket case I went to her for some support? Help? Just being there. Well, she wasn't. She actually made me feel like absolute shit because of what she said to me about the situation I was in. Which absolutely amazes me. She is constantly saying all this bleeding heart crap about being there for people, etc, etc, etc. but the ONLY time I needed her she actually said shit to me that made it worse. WTF? But I went on. Then there was the night that rock bottom that had already turned into a basement which had then turned into a wine cellar went even further down into the storm shelter. I hate that night and hate the person who caused it and I hate Marla because she was part of it and I hate what I'd just lived through and sometimes I hate myself for letting it all do what it did to me. Then she did that thing and chose something else instead of a commitment to me. That's a deal breaker these days. She gets it.....she runs her mouth too much and so I've had to see where she says someone is ghosting her. Well I guess so after those two things. Can't depend on her and these days I HAVE to be able to depend on you for you to be in my life at all.
Then there was all the Robby birthday pictures. He turns 13 today and my heart still breaks thinking of him sometimes. Especially the last birthday we were together for. The boy has heart. But that memory from that day will just stay mine to hold on to and hope one day it means we're together again and the two of THEM won't ruin him and change him.
Next set of pictures was from 9 years ago and it was my birthday weekend when Leslie, Nancy, Dawn, Dee, Karel, and I went to the mountains for the weekend. Got up early and some of them wore their pj's, robes, crazy house slippers just for fun. We met up at my place up there for the best breakfast there is. We went on into North Carolina all the while laughing and acting our silly selves. Went to my favorite waterfall. Went back to one of the cabins we had for the weekend. Drank a whole lot of tequila, laughed a whole lot more, took a lot of pictures, hot tubbed, and just had a great time. Dee left this world by choice two years ago, Nancy had a hard time when her mom died and we're just not friends anymore, Dawn I talk to occasionally, Leslie is still my Leslie who doesn't go away and doesn't change even though we don't see each other that often-when we do we're just as close as always-that's the way it is since you've known each other since you were 7 years old, Karel is still my Karel but she moved to SC a few years ago and recently moved to Florida, and just got the news she has cancer (that nightmare again) and me.....well I don't even know that person I was then anymore. Better or worse now...I don't know. Things have been too fucked up to even know. But I like to think better.
Then the next set of pictures of the last Halloween Bonfire party Josh and Dee had. Dee is still gone from this life by her choice. Josh and I had a fight or whatever you want to call it back in September but then talked about but really nothing has changed and I say WHATEVER. Let people do what they want. Some of those people who were struggling somehow have ended up beyond happy. I don't get it. Here I still sit waiting for that to come to me and thinking of the times I thought is was but then it turns and goes the opposite direction. So, I do things to make myself happy yet I'm still searching in one area that I need to be happy or okay anyway.
So, after that night in June things have been a lot different. I left the week after that night for California and then Kel joined me and then we went on to Maui for two weeks. Maui to me means my resort with that view of that ocean, my favorite restaurants, all the shopping, and JoAnna. One night while we were waiting for a To Go order to be ready we were shopping. A necklace with a lock on in was in my favorite jewelry store. Of course the key to it was sold separately but I didn't want the key. I don't want the key. That lock on that necklace is always around my neck and means what you think it would. Locked down. If you're not in my life then you're not coming in. No one new. No old one from the past coming back around. Yeah, I still make new friends but they're not "in". I still date new guys but they're not "in" either.
When the end of this conversation with myself came to an end in the middle of the night last night I had this sense of something I can't even name. Faith in the future maybe. Faith in myself. Certainty about the future. Certainly about a decision I have already made but know how stressful that situation can be. Making the most of this life like some of my best friends can't do because they aren't here anymore.
I have lived such a remarkable life and had so many experiences all over the world that no one else has. Doubting myself, my worth, my decisions......crazy because I make what I want happen. You could choose to go along for the ride and it is a damn good one or you could choose to be shallow and not even see what is right in front of you. Doesn't matter. I'm still living my life the best I can and getting everything out of it I can.
That's that.....middle of the night thoughts are truthful and open and honest and revealing. But that is me anyway. Too bad it isn't or wasn't YOU. YOU=all the dumbasses I ditched because of the real them.
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