Ever had something you'd worked really hard to get? Something big....something huge? It has been awhile but I'm in that place. Less than three weeks and the biggest thing in my life is about to totally change. It is so close that I can taste it. Just waiting for me and it is one of four things. If I had to take a guess I'd say one of the four.....not happening. So, I'll just go ahead and put it to bed or be nicely surprised but I doubt that. The other one happens and I can trust it for a week anyway. The third one happens and that's heaven. I hope....it is what I wanted anyway. Sometimes it is hard getting what you want when it has been a long time since that happened. Through it all, I never gave up. I've gotten up every day even when it felt like I got up from some bed in the wine cellar in the basement below rock bottom. My therapist and I were joking that all it takes is one more thing and that wine cellar is going to have a tornado shelter under it. Then there is the fourth thing.....well it will happen but right now it is just unknown what it will be like.
It tastes sweet though. I tastes like the past but so much better because coming out of what I did is kind of amazing.
If all four things fall through then I joke when I say it.....but I mean it too. I'm going to die here but I'll die knowing I tried.
Monday, March 25, 2019
Sunday, March 17, 2019
If only everyone thought of others like this instead of it always being about themselves.
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet "said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."
Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.
Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."
Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"
"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."
"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less. (A.A.Milne,
E.H.Shepard)
No more; no less. (A.A.Milne,
E.H.Shepard)
So, that's what it is like......
Kind of the way just getting one rose is better than a dozen and having someone hold your hand and just turning to smile at you is better than any present.
That was foreshadowing last week when I wrote that.....but we'll come back to that in a minute.
EJ's old band finally put out their new cd and they're doing a show later this month. Things are so busy but I really hope I get to go that night. Friday night after I got home, it was kind of late like it is most Friday nights. Like every single one of those Friday nights I say I'm going to watch TV for an hour before going to bed and every time I end up falling asleep on the couch. Same this week but when I woke up I check my phone and the first video for the first song released from the album had just been posted. I wake up like that and I have to remember where I am and who I am sometimes too. But Angel was there....her presence. She saying something to me and I asked if she saw the video......mostly the end. I wish I could remember what she was saying but I can't. I miss Angel so bad. Maybe it is so obvious these days because it is almost to the anniversary of her death. I wish I could talk to her.
Now to this weekend. Last night (Saturday) was the most normal night I've had in 8 years and when I say normal I mean normal for me. Last night was like what Saturday nights used to be like. P9 played and I drove the two hours to stay in the hotel I always stay in when I go down there where they live and play mostly. Eight years and they pack a place that big still. I got there early so I could talk to them and catch up with people. Met a lot of new friends. Two in particular and I spent the time til the band started playing talking about everything. It is amazing when you meet people you were so obviously supposed to meet.
Band starts and I'm up front of course with my friends. At some point, M and I end up next to each other and D is with her except I didn't recognize him at all. He's changed except he looks exactly like my type of guy when it comes to looks. Eventually, he ends up next to me and we end up talking in spurts because we are listening to the band and we're all kind of linked arms and singing to the music. Night goes on and we just kind of all do our thing. The band ends the night. D and I just talk about a lot of stuff. He's everything I'd want. Last night with him proved that there are those guys out there who are everything and he doesn't even try. He was just himself.
Foreshadowing.....I said one rose was better than a dozen. This would be my one rose he gave me last night.
That was foreshadowing last week when I wrote that.....but we'll come back to that in a minute.
EJ's old band finally put out their new cd and they're doing a show later this month. Things are so busy but I really hope I get to go that night. Friday night after I got home, it was kind of late like it is most Friday nights. Like every single one of those Friday nights I say I'm going to watch TV for an hour before going to bed and every time I end up falling asleep on the couch. Same this week but when I woke up I check my phone and the first video for the first song released from the album had just been posted. I wake up like that and I have to remember where I am and who I am sometimes too. But Angel was there....her presence. She saying something to me and I asked if she saw the video......mostly the end. I wish I could remember what she was saying but I can't. I miss Angel so bad. Maybe it is so obvious these days because it is almost to the anniversary of her death. I wish I could talk to her.
Now to this weekend. Last night (Saturday) was the most normal night I've had in 8 years and when I say normal I mean normal for me. Last night was like what Saturday nights used to be like. P9 played and I drove the two hours to stay in the hotel I always stay in when I go down there where they live and play mostly. Eight years and they pack a place that big still. I got there early so I could talk to them and catch up with people. Met a lot of new friends. Two in particular and I spent the time til the band started playing talking about everything. It is amazing when you meet people you were so obviously supposed to meet.
Band starts and I'm up front of course with my friends. At some point, M and I end up next to each other and D is with her except I didn't recognize him at all. He's changed except he looks exactly like my type of guy when it comes to looks. Eventually, he ends up next to me and we end up talking in spurts because we are listening to the band and we're all kind of linked arms and singing to the music. Night goes on and we just kind of all do our thing. The band ends the night. D and I just talk about a lot of stuff. He's everything I'd want. Last night with him proved that there are those guys out there who are everything and he doesn't even try. He was just himself.
Foreshadowing.....I said one rose was better than a dozen. This would be my one rose he gave me last night.
I said last week that holding hands is better than any present. So, there we sat for awhile leaning on a pool table, holding hands, him turning to look at me and me looking back, and talking mostly. It is how it happens. First you touch hands, then your fingers find their fit with each other, and you are holding hands. Sometimes you sit there holding hands listening to the other person telling you something important and sometime it leads to other things. Normal isn't what I'd ever want. Nothing about my life or his is anything I'd ever call normal but we fit. The more time we're together, the better it is. I wouldn't call anything about D uninteresting or boring yet he's nice, caring, and thinking of you. A lot happened last night with him and it amazes me how it is his normal to be everything so many guys I meet just aren't. Maybe no guy ever has been like him. All the things I want and am with anyone else, he is too. Do I know where we are going? No, but we're going somewhere. We already started walking down our path and starting our story. The not knowing is two things.....nice to think of the possibilities and a little scary because you want it but really, does anyone know what the future with someone ends up being? No.
Other stuff......got to talk with Scott about Dee and tattoos. Got to talk to Misty about what has been going on with us both. Jimmy & Ben. Going down soon to stay the weekend with them all. Just like that, after eight years, things are back the way they used to be and I got something back so important to me. I used to go spend the night down there and we all used to congregate somewhere and just hang out. Some of the best times ever.
I realized a lot this weekend about a lot of things. One more step was taken to get back to where I once was but it is different this time.
Last night rates right up there with every other night I consider to be on the best list of nights.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Think of me, I'll never break you heart Think of me, you're always in the dark
Too many thoughts just go round and round my mind.
Music is everything to me and it is always there. I'm constantly finding the right songs for me....new songs I've never heard. Getting new meanings of songs I already know. Music says it all.
P!nk show this week....front row. So glad to see Eva (her bass guitar player). Reminders of the days she was dating a friend of mine and little hole in the wall downstair bars in Venice, California with the tiniest stages ever. Talks in the bathroom. She was playing with my favorite musician of all time just for fun and because she was dating one of his guitar players and now I see her at P!NK shows. Weirdness.
Songs live are always so much better than listening to them in your car, on your phone, on your stereo, or on the radio.
Two things are sad.......something that used to be so amazing and beyond exciting still make me totally happy but not to the extent it used to......and that I'm having to plan things like that on a regular basis just to make it through every day.
Lyrics meaning things to me right now.....
Think of me, I'll never break your heart
Think of me, you're always in the dark
I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear
What about love? What about trust?
I'm trouble....
You thought you were right but you were wrong
All the lyrics to Beautiful Trauma....love it so much I bought the super cute girly shirt with all the lyrics printed on the front of it at the concert.
I'll tell you a story before it tells itself
I'll lay out all my reasons
You say that I need help
We all got expectations and sometimes they go wrong
But no one listens to me so I put it in this song
They tell me think with my head not that thing in my chest
You're the one I want
You're the one I need
You're the one I had
So come on back to me
Babe, you're so young and pretty
But you're evil....you ought to know
Now let's talk Normal vs Your Normal. I'm not into boring normal or fake normal or fake anything. Your Normal doesn't have to be like the world's normal at all. Your world doesn't have to have limits that you've got up around you where you pick and choose who comes in. My world has room for anyone new at any time I meet them....if they're right for me. It is like a rubber band....stretching to include anyone I want. I can talk to anyone and these days I'm just honest. I don't mince words in personal relationships although I'm over professional at work. It is a little or a lot shocking to some and that is so hilarious to me because you have to know me awhile to truly know me. I just keep the trueness of me to myself most the time. But the best thing is that the people I have let truly know me make things amazing. You should get to be yourself but what you don't get to do is use the excuse of "I'm just being me" to hurt anyone else. Being yourself isn't going to hurt anyone else unless you're a major rude jerk of an asshole who thinks hurting others is being yourself because being yourself means you have no manners or common sense that being yourself is not supposed to be a selfish thing. I'm 100% myself all the time and I don't hurt anyone or act like some rude selfish jerk by being myself.
G always calls us weird. Weird times, weird adventures, weird talks, weird places we end up, weird things we do.....he just says we're weird. It is just a word for us......some would think the things we say, do, and have done are weird. But to us they're just crazy fun. Every single crazy thing that has gone down between us and with us doing what we wanted isn't anything I'd trade...... even the times we've been mad at each other. When he's got that look in his eyes with that serious face and that twitch in his cheek and he just lets me get mad at him and he takes it all in. He lets me run my mouth and say what I need to get out. Then next thing you know things are back to being us. That is part of being us. These times with him will always be the best in my life....past and present ones. It all started one spring when I was young, naive, and definitely not jaded when I walked back to where I was living at the time from where I'd been through all the white spring time flowers being blown all around off the trees. That is a beautiful time of year and he was on my mind even though it had been six months since that day he'd walked me home from his place to see something in my place. So I caught a few of those flowers and wrote him a letter telling him I was thinking of him and catching him up and I put the flowers in the envelope in the middle of the letter. Two days letter I get a letter back saying that was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life.....getting my letter and the flowers just releasing their scent into the air when he opened it. Just something little I thought to do that ended up meaning so much to someone else, surprisingly. Kind of the way just getting one rose is better than a dozen and having someone hold your hand and just turning to smile at you is better than any present. I'd never call him normal but he is his own normal and his own normal is wonderful. He'd say "right back at you" if I said that to him because I have my own normal too and he's one of the few that know me 100%.
I love more than anything that there are people in this world who don't have a selfish bone in their bodies.....they're open to anything. They revel in getting to know you and they accept you. You're losing out if you aren't that way.....if you're too into yourself, if you think more of yourself than you should, and basically just conceited people like you're God's gift to anyone you let in. Not the way it works with the "weird normal" people I love.
I write all this because of G and because once upon a time about 15 years ago I met people online in a chat room on a band's website that I loved. Then after awhile of being at the same shows of this band we made a point of not keeping to ourselves and that was one special night....meeting the people you'd been talking to. Things change unfortunately and we're not that group we once were. You could blame a person or two for ruining that or you could just accept that's the way it is. But this weekend I get a little of that back. My band got back together and I guess the true diehards will enjoy one more night with them without knowing at all anything that will happen that night because that is us.....spontaneous crazy fun.
I also write this because of the people who put me in a box, never bothered to get to know me, decided I was this person they made up in their head that is nothing like me, and just never bothered to try to know me. One day you might realize that was a mistake for one reason or another but oh well, when I'm done, I'm done.
As I said at Lisa's memorial I had to do last weekend at Sorority District meeting......
Life is hard. Life is messy. Life can be depressing. Life can be devastating at times. Life is a lot of things. But what I always will remember is that the last day of our girl's weekend last year on Memorial Day weekend, Lisa bought a shirt that said "Life is Good".
Music is everything to me and it is always there. I'm constantly finding the right songs for me....new songs I've never heard. Getting new meanings of songs I already know. Music says it all.
P!nk show this week....front row. So glad to see Eva (her bass guitar player). Reminders of the days she was dating a friend of mine and little hole in the wall downstair bars in Venice, California with the tiniest stages ever. Talks in the bathroom. She was playing with my favorite musician of all time just for fun and because she was dating one of his guitar players and now I see her at P!NK shows. Weirdness.
Songs live are always so much better than listening to them in your car, on your phone, on your stereo, or on the radio.
Two things are sad.......something that used to be so amazing and beyond exciting still make me totally happy but not to the extent it used to......and that I'm having to plan things like that on a regular basis just to make it through every day.
Lyrics meaning things to me right now.....
Think of me, I'll never break your heart
Think of me, you're always in the dark
I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear
What about love? What about trust?
I'm trouble....
You thought you were right but you were wrong
All the lyrics to Beautiful Trauma....love it so much I bought the super cute girly shirt with all the lyrics printed on the front of it at the concert.
I'll tell you a story before it tells itself
I'll lay out all my reasons
You say that I need help
We all got expectations and sometimes they go wrong
But no one listens to me so I put it in this song
They tell me think with my head not that thing in my chest
You're the one I want
You're the one I need
You're the one I had
So come on back to me
Babe, you're so young and pretty
But you're evil....you ought to know
Now let's talk Normal vs Your Normal. I'm not into boring normal or fake normal or fake anything. Your Normal doesn't have to be like the world's normal at all. Your world doesn't have to have limits that you've got up around you where you pick and choose who comes in. My world has room for anyone new at any time I meet them....if they're right for me. It is like a rubber band....stretching to include anyone I want. I can talk to anyone and these days I'm just honest. I don't mince words in personal relationships although I'm over professional at work. It is a little or a lot shocking to some and that is so hilarious to me because you have to know me awhile to truly know me. I just keep the trueness of me to myself most the time. But the best thing is that the people I have let truly know me make things amazing. You should get to be yourself but what you don't get to do is use the excuse of "I'm just being me" to hurt anyone else. Being yourself isn't going to hurt anyone else unless you're a major rude jerk of an asshole who thinks hurting others is being yourself because being yourself means you have no manners or common sense that being yourself is not supposed to be a selfish thing. I'm 100% myself all the time and I don't hurt anyone or act like some rude selfish jerk by being myself.
G always calls us weird. Weird times, weird adventures, weird talks, weird places we end up, weird things we do.....he just says we're weird. It is just a word for us......some would think the things we say, do, and have done are weird. But to us they're just crazy fun. Every single crazy thing that has gone down between us and with us doing what we wanted isn't anything I'd trade...... even the times we've been mad at each other. When he's got that look in his eyes with that serious face and that twitch in his cheek and he just lets me get mad at him and he takes it all in. He lets me run my mouth and say what I need to get out. Then next thing you know things are back to being us. That is part of being us. These times with him will always be the best in my life....past and present ones. It all started one spring when I was young, naive, and definitely not jaded when I walked back to where I was living at the time from where I'd been through all the white spring time flowers being blown all around off the trees. That is a beautiful time of year and he was on my mind even though it had been six months since that day he'd walked me home from his place to see something in my place. So I caught a few of those flowers and wrote him a letter telling him I was thinking of him and catching him up and I put the flowers in the envelope in the middle of the letter. Two days letter I get a letter back saying that was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life.....getting my letter and the flowers just releasing their scent into the air when he opened it. Just something little I thought to do that ended up meaning so much to someone else, surprisingly. Kind of the way just getting one rose is better than a dozen and having someone hold your hand and just turning to smile at you is better than any present. I'd never call him normal but he is his own normal and his own normal is wonderful. He'd say "right back at you" if I said that to him because I have my own normal too and he's one of the few that know me 100%.
I love more than anything that there are people in this world who don't have a selfish bone in their bodies.....they're open to anything. They revel in getting to know you and they accept you. You're losing out if you aren't that way.....if you're too into yourself, if you think more of yourself than you should, and basically just conceited people like you're God's gift to anyone you let in. Not the way it works with the "weird normal" people I love.
I write all this because of G and because once upon a time about 15 years ago I met people online in a chat room on a band's website that I loved. Then after awhile of being at the same shows of this band we made a point of not keeping to ourselves and that was one special night....meeting the people you'd been talking to. Things change unfortunately and we're not that group we once were. You could blame a person or two for ruining that or you could just accept that's the way it is. But this weekend I get a little of that back. My band got back together and I guess the true diehards will enjoy one more night with them without knowing at all anything that will happen that night because that is us.....spontaneous crazy fun.
I also write this because of the people who put me in a box, never bothered to get to know me, decided I was this person they made up in their head that is nothing like me, and just never bothered to try to know me. One day you might realize that was a mistake for one reason or another but oh well, when I'm done, I'm done.
As I said at Lisa's memorial I had to do last weekend at Sorority District meeting......
Life is hard. Life is messy. Life can be depressing. Life can be devastating at times. Life is a lot of things. But what I always will remember is that the last day of our girl's weekend last year on Memorial Day weekend, Lisa bought a shirt that said "Life is Good".
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