The Best Laid Plans

Well, all those little darlings that kept coming every day and getting sent home or came back before they were well gave me their ick.  I might as well get the complaining over now.  Tried to go to the Urgent Care today but it was closed but it is open tomorrow on Christmas Eve.  Weird.  Tired of catering to these people who act like they think we are babysitters who don't know what we're doing, can't even be considered as a profession, lie because you think we're the only person in the situation who would LIE, think they know how our job works, thinks we only have their little darling to do anything for or about, and our time means nothing.  We're there to do whatever they want at any time of day or night.  WRONG......

So, I missed what I consider my family Christmas with the S family today.  :(  I feel better so hopefully tomorrow I'll make it to my friend Christmas get together.  

Flash to Christmas Vacation.......I slept a little too long the other night and the turkey probably cooked a little longer than needed.  Reminded me of when they cut the turkey open in Christmas Vacation and it sighed and then fell apart and there really was no meat.  Mine wasn't that bad but it did sigh when I cut it open.  It tasted great though. 

I've slept trying to sleep this ick off a lot today.  Then there was all the MASH Christmas shows on TV.  MASH will always be a favorite show of mine.  Can't watch it enough. Watching John Wick now and trying to get some stuff done I said I would do before Christmas.  John Wick is a favorite movie.  

I need to pack.  Mostly, I need to feel like doing everything this vaca involves.  It isn't a sit by the pool all day vaca at all.  Requires a lot of walking and physical activity. I have to be up for that. At least I'm going somewhere with temps in the 80's and some 70's. 

Being sick messes with your mind a little.  Today I kept thinking about the one person who would come take care of me at one time.  I don't get the discrepancies still to this day.  I never will.  You know what.....I'll never get the discrepancies at all with people.  How they're one way one minute and another way the next.  My mind needs to stop going to a place I don't want it to go but really shouldn't everyone know why?? 

We had a lot of excitement two nights ago in this little town I call home.  Most I've ever seen.  Craziness but I have to give it to our police every time.  They've got it going on.  Spike strips down to stop this guy running from the cops in two other counties then one police officer used a pit maneuver to spin the guy's car around to end up against the curb at the Chick fil a.  He gets out of his car with a rifle and six of our police open fire and take him down but they didn't shoot to kill.  No one hurt but him and he's in the hospital.  All because he had a warrant out on him and he ran from a traffic stop two counties over.  

Ending this.....all I really want to do is go sit in a hot hot hot bath with good smelling water and have someone sit behind me and rub my shoulders, neck and head and maybe, just maybe, this headache would go away and my neck and shoulders would stop hurting too.  

Nothing is Forever

Crazy busy day today.  Somehow managed to get most things done before meeting with M for dinner.  Palmer's has new food!  Fig Prosciutto Flatbread and a new soup way too much like their spinach artichoke dip.  We went our separate ways.....M to a basketball game of course at the high school and me to my nail appointment.  

Let's talk Christmas and cooking cause that's what this is about. Kelly's mom cooks on Thanksgiving but Christmas with the S family is finger foods only.  I have to have Christmas dinner though so I've gotten into the habit of cooking it using my mom's recipes.  I invite all the "misfits" like me with no family/place to go to come eat that I know.  This year is different.  I went to the store today and got all my ingredients.  Left the turkey and strawberries out to thaw while I went to dinner with M and to the nail salon.  I'm cooking early since I'm leaving for vaca in a few days.  So, I can eat my Christmas dinner for several days before I go and then freeze the rest for later.  No misfits are coming this year.  S family Christmas is Sunday. Michelle, Marilyn, and I are spending Christmas Eve together at Marilyn's....brunch, champagne, talking, laughter.....maybe movies.....kicking the guys out to do their own thing. 

So, here I sit in my dad's pajama pants cinched tight at the waist because they are too big.  Just one of the things I took immediately after he died for mine to remember him by.  I think the turkey is finally thawed.  It gets to cook overnight of course.  Made the strawberry nut salad and cornbread dressing.  Then comes the three hour wait for the bottom part of the strawberry nut salad to gel while the dressing bakes.  My mom used to go to bed and set an alarm.  Not me.....started a nice long movie to watch for my three hour wait.  I'm not my mother.  Thank God. I really realize now that I don't like the smell of raw turkey,  

So, if it can happen then it will happen to me.  I get the boiling water in the strawberry jello powder and go to add the banana/pineapple mix and just plopped it in there.  Strawberry jello splashes everywhere.  My mom's recipe for dressing is now half red.  Red jello liquid everywhere.  I clean up and go to watch my movie only to discover it hit my face and my feet too.  You can imagine.  Somehow it missed my clothes thankfully.  My house smells good.  One of the things I always will remember about holidays is falling to sleep to these smells.  Waking up to these smells.  Hearing my mom get up off and on all night to do things to get the food ready.  

I guess it doesn't matter where I'm at.....I can still cook this meal.  Nothing is forever.  No one knows that better than I do.  

It is just bittersweet that one of the year after year memories that was a constant in my life can't be remembered with all the good feelings it should be.  It is still a constant reconciliation between what I knew and what I now know was really going on. I guess this is why I do this.  It is my memory and like I've said before.......I'm taking the good memories despite the people in them. 

Floundering

Something I'm not anymore.....floundering. You can't wait forever for something, and then say it's too late when the time finally comes, even if every shred of incentive inside you has been lost. -TD

I'm going to walk out of here one day and it won't be that long either and it will be like leaving every other place.  I miss places.  I'll tell you if I can walk out of one place almost three years ago then I can leave any place behind.  That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, if not the hardest. 

That feeling of not knowing yourself that leads to not knowing what direction to take is like free falling, I guess you'd say.  Never a compass to point you in the right direction.  Never knowing if anything you do is what you're supposed to do. Not knowing what to do so things just happen to you.  What I've learned is that when you get to that place where you have no control (even if you think you do) absolutely nothing will work out for you.  So you get up every day and you go about your day and you just can't believe what it is made up of.  You think you'd do anything at all to get out.....to leave.....to have what you used to. 

The knowing yourself is the key.  Things can happen in your life that strip you of that.  Doesn't matter how sure and self confident you were.  Some things you don't get over.  Some things never fade but you do learn how to live with them.  One day, if you're lucky, you find yourself again even if it isn't the exact person you were.  Who knows why or how...it just happens.  

I see some people flounder....never knowing which direction is up or down or right or wrong.  I see them come up with a "new" idea for their life time after time after none of them ever work. I see and I know how it is to always be the person who knew exactly what they wanted and who they were and then one day you just don't anymore.  Everything you do that you think could be right is beyond wrong.  Some feel like a failure although I can say I've never felt like a failure ever.  I've felt like I was oblivious, didn't pay attention good enough, and other things like that. 

Sad thing is that some people have always floundered....their entire life.  Oh, but they keep on every day.  I'm lucky in that I only had to go through this for a couple of years, although it has felt like a lifetime.  I won't be 100% again until what I'm working on now is complete and I have left that behind physically, not just mentally & emotionally.  I can't truly leave this behind mentally & emotionally until I do it physically.  Even then, I know there will be moments like today when I saw a certain picture that will be like that stake driven through your heart all over again.  

But the beauty in leaving it physically is all those places you go to or by that have memories that stab you like a stake in your heart just won't be there anymore.  New places I don't even know yet will replace them and they will have their own memories but I doubt they'll ever be the kind that make you feel like your heart is shattering into a thousand pieces.  See, no one has that kind of power over me anymore.  

You have to keep going.....that is key.  I'm glad to see people knocked down get right back up and never let themselves stay down.  You have to know yourself but even more important than that you have to be the person you should be too.  I have struggled with that.  Sometimes you can't be that person you truly are to everyone.  But you will know when you are in the presence of someone who deserves the true you, understands the true you, and loves the true you.  You can't trust words.....words are fake and they end up not meaning anything most of the time.  

Floundering people tend to make the mistake time after time of not recognizing who they should have in their lives.  They hurt the people who would be the best for them to have in their lives or they push them away almost as if it is on purpose because it is.  Then the person hurt eventually leaves because who wants that kind of unexpected hurt?  

Time after time that has been me.  Literally one day I will be with someone and we will be talking and connecting and having the best time ever.  Then sometimes it takes only hours when that same person stops talking to you, acts totally different, says things that hurt you, and all of that good you had that you believed in from that person is just gone.  I no longer stick around.  I used to try to get that person and that thing that disappeared without warning or reason back. Now there is this brick wall surrounded by steel walls.  Hard core protection.  Do those people even know why they did what they did?

I'll never truly know but some of these people this has happened with I can see why.  They never knew who they were.  They weren't there for themselves so how could they be there for you? More importantly, how could they let anyone be there for them? That's it.  "I always believed in you, I just never believed in me."

I would have been there for you without fail always. I never would have done to you what you did to me. You would have only had the best of me forever and always even though things aren't always perfect. But some of the people I say that for and about hurt me so badly that I couldn't just let it go.  Sometimes you can but then sometimes the only thing you can do is to make sure that person feels as badly as they made you feel. Then that makes you the bad guy and they conveniently forget what they did to you so they never even consider how badly they hurt you. 

I pray I never ever have anyone in my life who does that to me again.  Do you know how many people that cut out of my life?  Most of them. But quality over quantity I guess.   

Where this came from.....I don't know.  We all just want to be understood I guess.  I get more misunderstood these days than ever before because I've got those walls up.  People mistake you protecting yourself for a lot of things that aren't true about you.  Who knows who reads this.....29 people it says.  Maybe one of them needs to hear these things.  Maybe one of them is just like me.  Maybe one of them is someone who is one of the ones that hurt me.  

Just be authentic to your true self even when you no longer know who that is anymore.  Try. Find your new true self. I'd tell you not to flounder lost however I know from being there that you can't control that.  

Stop pretending people are who you want them to be.  Stop making up these scenarios you want things to be like with people.  Really truly give people a chance.....see who they really are.  Talk to them....make them talk to you because not everyone tells all about themselves without being sure someone wants to know. Want to know why someone does something....ask. And don't make excuses for people who prove themselves not to be the kind of person you are.  Oh, and when someone lets you know they care and shows you they'd always have your back, for whatever reason, don't let that one go. 

I'm giving myself advice here but then maybe it is for you too....whoever you are.  

Future

Got to hear Grace Potter back at the Topanga Cancer Benefit when she played.  She also played some song that night that will be on her new album that was amazing.  I can't wait for her new album now just because of that song I don't even know the name of.  Everyone there knew who she was.....local famous person there.  Guess, I'll know who she is and see her all the time soon too. Now, I'm not a country music person at all but now she is one of four country musicians I make an exception for.  So, just because...

Apologies-Grace Potter

Surveying everyone these days about the move.  The most recent person pointed out that I put my roots down here.  So many others left and went where their life led them.  I didn't. Most people do leave their childhood hometown even if it is only to move an hour away.  But planting my roots here hasn't left me fulfilled and it just hasn't done it for me.  So, it wouldn't matter where I went because it is my time to find my way to my place that fulfills me. Maybe it is where I'm moving and maybe it isn't.~~~~quote from someone who knows me better than most do

Although, I do think it does matter where I go.  You would absolutely NEVER find me in a state where it snows and the temp gets below zero on a regular basis.  Warm & sunny & easily accessible to the beach only please.  

Brings me to think about all the almosts......

I almost ended up living in Italy.  Not sure I would have come back from Europe once I'd gotten there.  Could have ended up in Washington DC with C but thank God I'm not that stupid to end up with an alcoholic who ended up in rehab and probably jail at some point who thought he was going to be verbally abusive to me every time he drank and not even remember.  That would probably be why I'm very sensitive to people who say things that remind me of verbal abuse. No thanks.  All that does is get you told off by me. Almost Hawaii but that is still a someday/retirement place. 

So, here we are.  I guess I get to find out later in life what it is like to follow your dream and not stay where you started out.  

When I think about it I always think about disappearing.  That I look forward to.  Disappearing except to a select few.  New phone #. New everything and you share it and you DIE if I tell it to you.  LOL

All these people that have not been there, who left with no reason, or no good reason, or because they couldn't handle the truth, etc. well you get what you wanted.  She's really gone. 

This time I'm not telling anyone but the select few either.  So, since I'm not recycling anymore.......you don't have long at all to try to fix what you ruined.  I said try.......

And it wasn't a baby step either

So, here it is Christmas.......one of six holidays or special occasions in a row that the past two years has taken me down.....flattened me out.....depressed me beyond despair.  Two years can be a long time.  It really feels like longer but maybe it was because it was worse on holidays and special occasions but it was bad all year round.

Then here we are this year.  Three years December 19th but that wasn't the situation it is now at all.  December 19th was just the catalyst.  

This year on Halloween I hit a new place.  I wouldn't call it a low but it was more like a distressing situation that occupied every minute with worry and stress and the worst thing.....not knowing.  That was a cruel situation and I didn't do it to myself.  I owe that one to someone else.  But it did something for me nothing else has ever been able to do.  It separated me completely from the unnecessary bad that I just don't need and my circle of life where I choose what and who is there. I emerged and everything is different now.  

So, I thoroughly enjoy again all the fun situations there are.  I am myself in these times again.  I've learned to live with that one thing that has taken me out for almost three years  now somehow without letting it cripple me and my life anymore.

I'm just thankful I guess.....very thankful and I'm okay knowing that so far I've survived 100% of the bad.  That is a winning situation right there.  I never stopped fighting. 

Yeah, I count the days these days until I can make the change I want to make....until I do not spend every day with people in a way I just don't want to.  

I think maybe I'm making my mark and it is a good one.  I'm proving that I am worth it and you're about to lose me too.  I don't stick around when it is detrimental to me. 

I can have that conversation with that person that it was so important to me to get into a good place with again without it mattering the way it use to.  We can talk tattoos.  I can hear what he has to say about mine that I have and the next one I'm getting.  And it can be good but it wasn't something that took me to that place of "what if" anymore.  Nice. 

Sorry but not sorry.  I can't apologize for enjoying other's "bad" things they go through. You weren't there with me through mine and you even added to mine.....forget it.  You are on your own.  That is the key.  You don't give me a reason then I'm not wasting time on caring about anyone who doesn't care about me.  Therefore, I enjoy your misfortune.  Sorry, not sorry but where were you when I needed you?  Did you have to make it worse by being mean, rude, callous, etc.? No, you didn't. I have too many who do anything for me I need.  Too many who love me and never left and never will. I met new friends that I was meant to meet and have in my life.  

The point is that it might be a baby step in the right direction but to me it honestly feels like the most enormously huge step in the world.  I'm happy despite all the things that can make me sad.  I can spend a sad conflicted moment thinking about the past but that is all it is.....a moment. I have hope in the future that I do what I'm supposed to do and it will work out.  The joy and excitement of it is that just like that lamp my cousins and I got to working that night so long ago when we were just goofing off listening to music, the world feels right in that moment.  The unknown is good.  The unknown surprises you with the best situations ever if you step out on faith that it will work out for the best.  

So, here I am today.......the day every year the person I can now call my oldest friend (since 7 years old as friends is a long time) go on our annual shop till you drop (somehow we never do) Christmas shopping trip.  Dinner break at Marlow's and then more shopping.  There is a possibility of a change for the evening this year but we will see.  

I have a clear conscious because I always do what is the nice thing to do for others UNTIL or UNLESS you go at me first.  Then you'll get it back 100x over because that is just me.  I've said it many times....to truly know me is to know I'm not happy until I make you feel worse than you made me feel unless I just don't care. Not controllable unless I truly never cared anyway.  Doesn't matter if you're a stranger or someone I've known most my life.  Ask the stranger in the Kroger parking lot who regrets she ever decided to open her mouth to me.  I can give you a list of "others" who've learned the hard way yet some still just do whatever they want to others and then question the repercussions.  I don't get that one.  Doesn't everyone learn from their mistakes?  Well, not if you think you are perfect, you can do whatever because of the "excuse" of something bad that happened to you in your past, and my favorite....it is ALWAYS the other person who is to blame.  

So, I'm off for a great time with one of the best friends I've ever had....nonstop laughter with some serious talk in the day too.  

People say everyone has a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  Well, my "devil" is always going to be getting pleasure out of your pain if you are......a jerk (just to keep it simple).

And it wasn't a baby step either......getting here in this good place

Sometimes

Can't really say the nerves got much better but it really felt good to go running last night.  Went again tonight too.  There was a time when I couldn't run enough.  It is an addiction and it all started because it was the only thing I found to burn off all the feelings of anger, irritation, and stress.  I want it back.  Unfortunately, sadness and other feelings took over.  But I can do it.  It starts with one time and goes from there.  

Anyway, my nerves were still bothering me all night long and this morning.  But the news is....I did it!  Not only did I pass those two tests I took today but I scored highly proficient.....not proficient but highly proficient! Almost made a 100 on one of them.  

It has been so long since I decided to do something, prepared for it, and did it with total success.  That's what floundering around not knowing what is up and what is down does to you.  

I know it will still be hard to leave my haven I created for myself behind.  I do.  But I said if I passed this test I knew I was going.  I'll find my new haven.  I'll find my new place where I will fit in.  I wish my dad were here although I'm certain he wouldn't much like this but if he came back for one day and knew what I've done and accomplished then he'd be proud.  He would be proud a year from now after I've done it too.  I see myself standing out looking at that view and being there and knowing I live there.....I'm not visiting this time.  

Sometimes I feel so stupid because everyone else is so excited and supportive and here I am just thinking I can't.  When it comes down to it, I just can't.  But I can.  That is the thing.  I can do anything I want to do.  

That's all.  

Nerves

So,  I'm nervous.  Everything I want hinges on Step #1 which takes place tomorrow .  I need it to happen.  I don't need to have to redo it. I believe in signs.  If it happens then it is a sign to keep moving forward.  If it doesn't then I stand a 50/50 chance of trying again.  Sigh.....

The anxiety has set in.  Out come the meds that hopefully make me feel calmer and  better quickly.  

I was searching through my personal folder on my computer to pull out my resume.  I updated it all I could and I even put in the new info about tomorrow like I believe it will happen just the way I need it to and the way I want it to.  

While searching through my personal folder I found all the conversations I put together between myself and those I think matter.....at the time.  

I know I'm not recycling past friendships or even thinking about it anymore and I'm happier for it. There are only two conversations left saved.  One is just proof I guess that "pigs do fly" you'd say.  Doesn't mean anything.  The other.....well probably be just a matter of time before I just delete it for good too. Didn't read much of it.  It starts out nice....proof you can be.  Reality is I really don't think you know who you are, what you really want, how to get it, and definitely not how to treat others at all.  You are LOST and you know it.  You even say it from time to time.  Things will never change until you figure it out and really, I don't see that ever happening for you.  You don't even know or understand anything about your why or right from wrong or what love means or what common decency means.  Ah yes, and you definitely don't understand what God means in your life and what it means to follow him.  Makes me want to scream stop pretending!! I feel sorry for you and I even hurt horribly for you despite certain things you did to cause me pain.  Sometimes.  Then other times when I'm not feeling very charitable, I am glad glad glad glad that as far as appearances go, I was your downfall and it was done on purpose.  Although, really you did it to yourself.  But you will never see it that way.  You can only blame others.  All you had to do was be nice.  All anyone has to do is be nice.  

1.  I think it is time to go for a nice run now.  No more nerves,  I've got this.  

Every Circus Ends ......

Every circus ends even when the clowns never take off their makeup because you always get to walk out that tent regardless.

One of my best friends and I used to say the saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys" was our quote/lives.  Well today she sends me this and tells me this is our new one.....our 2019 one.  I'm just keeping it to myself what I said back to her but it certainly was true.  I know why I keep going to the circus, I know I wish I didn't have to, and I know the last day I will have to go to this circus too.  

The Things You Remember

I've written what I wanted to say in three different ways and deleted all three of them.  

Then I read this:

"I would rather look at life saying, "I tried and I failed than wondering "maybe?", "should I?" and always have that "kind of, what if" wonderment.  

Lots of things I want but they are not to be found here.  Believe me, I've looked. So, I leave and I do what I always wanted to do and I start fresh.....not over......just new and fresh.  I leave you behind and I take you with me in memories only,  Finally, I love those memories.  They were me then and they are me now.  It doesn't matter if you were never that person you seemed to be in those memories or you were and you changed or you're just fake.  I'm not letting you steal them from me the way I remember them. I'm not talking to just one person either...there are several. 

Is it looking back to what you leave if you take those memories with you and you enjoy them when you think of them?  It could be but it isn't going to be for me.  Just glad I had them....it no longer matters that they didn't last. 

Starting out when you're no longer that child taken care of by your parents you don't even think of the possibilities.  You live each day day to day.  Everything is a surprise.  Everyone wishes for their youth again and for life to be that way again.  Who knew that you could have that again when you're older?  I didn't but isn't it nice to know how to get it again?  

I love it....disappearing from this is going to feel good in itself.  

I look forward to the place where no one knows how to find me.  You know, I'm not going to be looking you up ever......any of you. 

Not sad. Just determined.  

And maybe, I'll just come back and delete this too.