The anxiety has set in. Out come the meds that hopefully make me feel calmer and better quickly.
I was searching through my personal folder on my computer to pull out my resume. I updated it all I could and I even put in the new info about tomorrow like I believe it will happen just the way I need it to and the way I want it to.
While searching through my personal folder I found all the conversations I put together between myself and those I think matter.....at the time.
I know I'm not recycling past friendships or even thinking about it anymore and I'm happier for it. There are only two conversations left saved. One is just proof I guess that "pigs do fly" you'd say. Doesn't mean anything. The other.....well probably be just a matter of time before I just delete it for good too. Didn't read much of it. It starts out nice....proof you can be. Reality is I really don't think you know who you are, what you really want, how to get it, and definitely not how to treat others at all. You are LOST and you know it. You even say it from time to time. Things will never change until you figure it out and really, I don't see that ever happening for you. You don't even know or understand anything about your why or right from wrong or what love means or what common decency means. Ah yes, and you definitely don't understand what God means in your life and what it means to follow him. Makes me want to scream stop pretending!! I feel sorry for you and I even hurt horribly for you despite certain things you did to cause me pain. Sometimes. Then other times when I'm not feeling very charitable, I am glad glad glad glad that as far as appearances go, I was your downfall and it was done on purpose. Although, really you did it to yourself. But you will never see it that way. You can only blame others. All you had to do was be nice. All anyone has to do is be nice.
- I think it is time to go for a nice run now. No more nerves, I've got this.
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