Not sure I know.....

 Tea time for me she says......

What was supposed to be about tea time for me turned into me imparting wisdom.   You see I finally did what most spend their whole life trying to accomplish.  That would be being unshakable, not caring, not letting anything that won't matter in a month or six months or a year take over your thoughts so much that you obsess about it because it bothers you. 

The thing is every once in awhile I try with someone who I wish could be there the way they were or the way I thought they were and 99% of the time it doesn't work out.  I don't get it except that I know now I never gave the true self to anyone.  I didn't know who that was for a long time and my whole life never prepared me for anything other than not knowing how and not understanding why. 

One of us had/has the career and spontaneity of living freely and one of us has the family and all that is supposed to come with that.  We make a whole person together but who is to say either one one has the best or the worst? One thing I know is our pasts are at the root of both our lives.  Maybe we should ditch our lives as we know them and go off together and leave it all behind because that could be laughter and the best thing ever. 

I have so much to say to everyone but who wants to hear it?  Deep waters and all that.  Not a lot of people are comfortable with that or they don't believe it.  I don't get that.  If there is one thing I am all of the time it is sincere and truthful. 

Most the time all I really want is to ask why because I certainly don't understand it.  

Someone asked me recently if I was still focusing on others because I can make things happen when I want. I said no.  I just don't care anymore but evidently I don't really have to.  Subconsciously I do or the universe just listens to my feelings that are always there.  

I see the person who most deserves nothing but bad dig themselves in deeper every day.  I've lost several very important people to me to suicide.  Nothing is worse yet this one who deserves bad and who only wrecks everyone's life they get involved in while pretending to be this devoted Christian (I didn't say devout or even moral) talks about it and has even tried.  How could some of the best people I've ever known succeed and this one who needs to be gone and stop wrecking others lives not succeed?  I know....if that is what you really want then it is easy.  Trying over and over and talking about it but never getting the job done is pathetic and just attention seeking. It is easy.  You really want to die......takes nothing at all to make it happen.  This one needs to succeed because that is the only way they will stop destroying others lives.  

Another one I know who deserves nothing but bad is in a bad place right now and I don't know what is going on at all and I won't.  But they are there regardless of what it is.  I can't help but wish nothing but bad on some of these people.  God is just.  Everyone who does wrong and bad gets theirs eventually and in the worst ways of all.  

But I am good in ways others just don't have and never will.  Security surrounds me and I fought for it and was rewarded it.  Some will say it wasn't worth the pain to get here.  I say I didn't have a say so in the pain and the price I paid but I certainly will enjoy the way things have ended up and all the good.  I will enjoy it a little bit more because all the kindness and goodness might have been wasted on some but who is living their best life and who is at rock bottom now? The sad thing is had you been a nice and good person and actually paid attention you could be living it with me.  

I'm not sure I know at all the why though.