I know it has been forever since I wrote here. I didn't stop writing.....it just wasn't here. Three months it has been and in three months I don't live where I used to, I don't work where I used to, rock bottom turned into the basement which turned into the wine cellar which turned into a tornado shelter. My therapist and I laugh about that but really......
Got some happiness back by doing something I thought would be nostalgic and sad but it wasn't. Not only did I survive but I made some choices and never gave up and ended up better for it. I don't think I see all the better yet.....it hasn't been long enough but I feel it.
So, here I sit on a semi-yearly trip I take to the same place to visit my friends and because I LIKE IT HERE. But we will get to that later. Last time I came was 8 months ago which was a very low point and not a good time at all to come here. The problems I was facing stuck to me like glue the whole time I was here but now, being back, I'm glad to say I have been cleansed of all that as well as some people I needed to be rid of as well.
Not a dream but more like an alternate reality you enter into. One of my realities I end up in when I see my Reiki advisor is me running out of woods into a meadow filled with wild flowers that ends on a cliff above a beautiful aqua blue ocean. I've gotten stuck in the woods before, I've spent most my time in the meadow, and sometimes I've jumped off of that cliff to swim in that ocean. This time someone I needed out of my life was following me until I told him to stop....he had to stay in the woods. I kept running and he couldn't follow. When I stopped before I got to the cliff, my dad was there but I couldn't see him....I just felt him. He held me by my shoulders and leaned in and kissed my forehead twice and said both times, "You are enough." But it wasn't just in that semi dream state I was in. I felt his hands on me and him kiss my forehead and I heard his words as if he was in the room with me too. He was there and I felt his hands on my shoulders and his kisses on my forehead and I heard him say those words to me.
I read something yesterday and I'd put the whole thing here but it is too long. It said some things other "advice" articles haven't said. Here is some of it and it is from an article about how it is your responsibility to change your life if you aren't happy with it.
Often times, we settle for what we think is right, acceptable and safe. We are so dominated by the idea of staying because it feels scary to move. Because it feels frightening to face a whole new environment without the people, the things, or the places we’ve been so used to.
We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.
If you’re unhappy, MOVE. Because if you’re meant to stay in one place, you should have roots, instead of feet.
It just kept saying whatever you are unhappy with....job, place you live, love life, etc. then change it. This was the part that got to me:
If you’re unhappy where you are right now, move. It’s as simple as
that, I don’t know why we make everything so complicated. Why we spend
so much of our time and energy scrutinizing everything, when the only
thing we should really be thinking about is our own happiness.
Thus, instead of dreading and over-examining every decision you need to make in your life, trust your guts. Sometimes, taking risks and clinging to perplexity is a good thing. You don’t always have to weigh the pros and cons of things, sometimes there is only one thing that really, truly matters and that is; your happiness, your passion for this life and your hunger for a contented heart. You don’t have to be sure of where you’re going or what the next step is; sometimes all you have to do is take the first step and that is to MOVE.
I sit here looking out this window right now from an old hotel where I'm at that has seen many movies, videos, and picture shoots happen here. It is so old the windows still open. I have them open right now and the breeze blows in, moving the curtains, as I look out past the beauty of the window into the beauty of the view of the blue sky against mountains not like ones I'm used to at home. And I have peace. Peace in my place someone tried to ruin. Peace in my place when lately all it seems to be is the wrong people who have no business being there and acting the way they do but then I have no business giving anyone the time of day and the benefit of the doubt when actions speak louder than any words can. I am enough. And I am through. I'm sorry plans got messed up a little today but then I think I needed this time to sit here and look out at the mountains, feel the breeze, and just be. I keep losing myself or so I think. I let the world make me think that anyway.
That article I read really hit me. It was like it was written for me because I do all of the things it says not to do and only recently have I started doing what it says to do.....just change it.....just move. Don't overthink it. I don't know when it will be but I'm making the bigger steps in the future to where I want to be and I'm not overthinking it so I don't do it. I'm happier and I don't want to get too content where I'm at so more has to come. For once, I don't see any decision you make as "running away". Yes, some things that drag you down on a constant basis will follow you but that shouldn't stop you from just MOVING.....do something.
In addition to all the other "gifts" I was born with, I'm also an empath. I should say that a couple of weeks ago a student of mine I taught in 3rd grade, who was slated to be valedictorian next year when he graduated, died in a horrible car accident with no understanding of how it even happened. But, I drove by there right before it happened and I was in my new home when I heard all the sirens. Sadly, I did not know the name of the person to know it was him until the day after his memorial service because his family wanted it kept quiet. So, when I did know I went out to where it happened and to where his mom took all the flowers from the memorial service out to where someone had put a white cross. It was a rough few days because I felt his presence all around me. I can see how the accident looked and what he was wearing although there are no pictures. I can feel so sad for that little 3rd grader I taught maybe 10 years ago who was a math genius and really going places. What I can't do is understand although someone reminded me that we enter into this world already with a known day we will exit it. We just don't know our exit day but we have to believe what comes next is better.
This fall a friend of mine and I will have known each other 30 years. I tell him that and he says back to me that means we will have known each other more of our lives than we didn't know each other. What a weird thought.
I can't say where I'll be this time next year. It will be interesting to see though.
Thus, instead of dreading and over-examining every decision you need to make in your life, trust your guts. Sometimes, taking risks and clinging to perplexity is a good thing. You don’t always have to weigh the pros and cons of things, sometimes there is only one thing that really, truly matters and that is; your happiness, your passion for this life and your hunger for a contented heart. You don’t have to be sure of where you’re going or what the next step is; sometimes all you have to do is take the first step and that is to MOVE.
I sit here looking out this window right now from an old hotel where I'm at that has seen many movies, videos, and picture shoots happen here. It is so old the windows still open. I have them open right now and the breeze blows in, moving the curtains, as I look out past the beauty of the window into the beauty of the view of the blue sky against mountains not like ones I'm used to at home. And I have peace. Peace in my place someone tried to ruin. Peace in my place when lately all it seems to be is the wrong people who have no business being there and acting the way they do but then I have no business giving anyone the time of day and the benefit of the doubt when actions speak louder than any words can. I am enough. And I am through. I'm sorry plans got messed up a little today but then I think I needed this time to sit here and look out at the mountains, feel the breeze, and just be. I keep losing myself or so I think. I let the world make me think that anyway.
That article I read really hit me. It was like it was written for me because I do all of the things it says not to do and only recently have I started doing what it says to do.....just change it.....just move. Don't overthink it. I don't know when it will be but I'm making the bigger steps in the future to where I want to be and I'm not overthinking it so I don't do it. I'm happier and I don't want to get too content where I'm at so more has to come. For once, I don't see any decision you make as "running away". Yes, some things that drag you down on a constant basis will follow you but that shouldn't stop you from just MOVING.....do something.
In addition to all the other "gifts" I was born with, I'm also an empath. I should say that a couple of weeks ago a student of mine I taught in 3rd grade, who was slated to be valedictorian next year when he graduated, died in a horrible car accident with no understanding of how it even happened. But, I drove by there right before it happened and I was in my new home when I heard all the sirens. Sadly, I did not know the name of the person to know it was him until the day after his memorial service because his family wanted it kept quiet. So, when I did know I went out to where it happened and to where his mom took all the flowers from the memorial service out to where someone had put a white cross. It was a rough few days because I felt his presence all around me. I can see how the accident looked and what he was wearing although there are no pictures. I can feel so sad for that little 3rd grader I taught maybe 10 years ago who was a math genius and really going places. What I can't do is understand although someone reminded me that we enter into this world already with a known day we will exit it. We just don't know our exit day but we have to believe what comes next is better.
This fall a friend of mine and I will have known each other 30 years. I tell him that and he says back to me that means we will have known each other more of our lives than we didn't know each other. What a weird thought.
I can't say where I'll be this time next year. It will be interesting to see though.
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