Grocery shopping today and I knew these would be in the store. October is here. These were always my favorite. All of the holiday Reese's were because they have more peanut butter than chocolate and they taste fresh because they were made just for the holiday. Now I don't do sugar anymore since I'm a diabetic but I let myself have one of these.....old times sake and all that. These were my dad's favorite too. One of my favorite memories of my dad is sitting out on our front porch on Halloween waiting for trick or treaters and eating these almost nonstop and just talking. It might even be THE memory of my dad I would choose to relive if I got to pick one.
Today when I saw them in the store, I went to text my friend to tell her like I do every single year but I can't. She chose not to be there anymore in my life and I still don't know why. I hope she sees them too today or soon and she thinks of that too and exactly what she lost.
Compassion can earn you some bad times. So can being too nice. Yet I still keep making that mistake even though I try to keep distance, not be friendly, and above all else...no trust. However, I can't because it isn't being myself. The person I am is social and likes to be nice, funny, and do things for others. I keep regretting it though and vowing to put that wall up and leave it. I really really need to do that with the last person to take all that niceness and repay it with uncalled for behavior. Starting tomorrow??
So, I'm cleaning things out, packing things up, doing a lot of throwing stuff away, etc. to get ready to move. I like it.....cleaning out and the dream getting closer. Believing in myself that I can and will do it.
During this process I found this picture of my mom and someone I used to care for.....someone I might always care for a little bit. I don't care for my mom anymore....I don't love her anymore.....I even am glad that she's not around so I don't have to deal with not wanting anything to do with her anymore.
This other person I feel for because they got a rough deal of the cards at a young age. It affected them and it still does. I've always seen the person they could be but they never have and they definitely won't let anyone convince them of this. They run and run and run and push you away so they can run some more. I only wanted to say to them that I am going away and when I do every little thing is going in the past and I'm not taking it with me. I wanted to say that I believe in them....I always did. I wanted to say other things too but that mostly I hoped they could get over their past. I got through and over mine, they could too. Maybe it would mean nothing to them. But they wouldn't let me say it. One more thing I just don't understand but need to stay away from anyway.
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