The Other Kind of Dreams

I've had this wish or desire......call it what you want for 17 years now.  Every year that went by I still wanted it but things got in the way.  And me being the person I am could not have my desire due to having to be the person I am who would do anything for someone I loved......even when they haven't loved me back.  But almost two years ago the ONLY thing standing in my way was taken away.....out of my life forever.  So, it took me some time to realize that the path to my desire....my dream was free and clear finally.  I wish more than anything I'd realized that right away.  If I had, I would have just left down that path and I would have been living my dream the past year plus some. 

But there was another path I had to take first I guess.  When I look back I see that I had to take that path even though it was so hard to do.  Brought about a lot of regrets but I can't change anything now. Saying you did the best you could and you did love me doesn't mean anything when I have a list of things you did to me and some of them I can't even tell to anyone because they are unimaginable. I had to deal with that first I guess.  I had to deal with the hurt, then the anger, then the hatred, and finally the letting go.  I don't love you anymore and I haven't in a long time.  I wouldn't be that good little girl who did the right thing now if I were in the exact situation I was in two years ago with you.  You made me into someone I wasn't anyway.....a bad person with your lies and stories just because I tried to do the best thing for you all the time and I had to have some respect for myself and my life as an adult.  I might as well be who you lied and said I was. I wish I had known then what I knew now. All the while, the other one, who has turned out to be most heartless and cruel person ever, only had good things said about them.  They could do no wrong ever. So, if it was two years ago the other one could do it ALL.  Which means nothing would have ever gotten done and you would have been like all those others I felt so bad for and vowed you never would be.  You see, I loved you and I thought you loved me too.  I was wrong and I see that now.  What you gave wasn't love and it doesn't matter if you think it was or not.  That isn't love.  

So, back to my desire.....my dream.  I made the decision and I've been preparing for it.  When I get uncertain, life shows me I'm not wrong for going down that path.  I'm free and I'd be stupid to stay where I hate and I'm unhappy and believe me that is indeed here. I hate what this place and the people here do to me and there is no reason to stay other than my stupid sentimental heart that always has a hard time saying goodbye to people, places, and things on a regular basis. That isn't enough.  I'm not staying miserable because of that side of me.  

It is kind of exciting thinking of what my future will indeed be like. Having your dream finally can be a lot of things....scary and exciting are just two.  So, here I go....keep doing what I do and counting down the days.  My dream and I'm making it happen.....