Weird week. You take my place.....the only place I want to be. Then it seems like everyone wants to give you reason after reason it won't work. Finally, I had to just distance myself from all of them. Lots of people not in my shoes without the resources I have make it. There is NO reason I can't do it too. Their mindset isn't where mine is and they're too in a hurry to really listen to all of the details.
I admit it.....I had anxiety and it led to a little panic attack which is all I have these days anyway. I blocked it all out. I left my phone in the room and went swimming in the ocean....that cleansing, connecting, rejuvenating place that fixes anything and motivates. I haven't found a problem yet that doesn't fix. I'm done with them. I'll do it myself.
Sad that I realized this a little late. I shouldn't have gotten all caught up in this early on and wasted precious time. What ifs are always what gets you. Things could have been different and probably what would have gotten what I wanted.....2 1/2 years ago. But you get caught up in the day to day survival which you feel lucky to be doing and you don't think about the future. Yes, I got a little bit caught up in the revenge, the anger, and then the hatred. Then finally I made it through to the place of I just don't care anymore. Except I still feel like a knife gets stabbed through my heart every time I see the pictures or know I should be there too. I don't see this going away ever but at least it isn't what it used to be. That right there is reason #1 this just has to work out. I have to disappear. I have to be unreachable. I have to start fresh. The worst day here can be the best day there.
So, here I am. I'll get the new carpet, pay off my car, continue to clean out, continue to throw away, continue to pack, have the yard sale with Stephanie. Next week is my interview. I scored another interview here this week which is cool. Never limit your opportunities.
But when it comes to people.....you know where I am. I'm not reaching out. Only had one person I felt like I needed some closure with. Didn't happen. Oh well. I'm used to being the bad guy. The person everyone confuses everything I do for anything but what it really is and they never even let you explain. That right there just proves they never really knew you at all. People are starting to realize this is really happening. I wish I knew it 100% but maybe I do and I just can't trust it yet. They'll go so far as to say they're thinking of what it will be like when I'm gone. Some even say they don't want you to go and they wish you wouldn't. You'll be so far away.....exactly what I want. But they can't fix things and they can't make things better. AND don't let me leave and THEN you reach out to me. Too late.
I'm sure there is more but this will do for now. More coming I'm sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment