Sentimental

I admit it....I used to be the most sentimental person ever.  I was the type who would keep someone else's receipt from the store just because it was theirs and it reminded me of a certain night.  I can tell you a list of 100 things I've kept over the years just because they belonged to someone I'd cared about even if it was 5, 10, 15, 20, etc. years ago.  Someone I didn't even talk to anymore and in many cases, someone who was no longer living.  I cried over things that truly hurt my heart that happened with people years afterwards. Poems or songs written for me.  Letters written to me because they were thoughts from someone's mind I wanted to know all about. Poems, songs, little notes, and letters that were about me and made me feel good about myself.  Pictures and most of all a rotating carousel that can move fast until you get to the memory you want to think about and then slow down so you can thoroughly think about that memory.  I'm blessed or cursed to remember every little thing about a moment.....even what I was wearing.  A memory of love shown through words or actions. 

Friday, March 30th someone sat in my kitchen after listening to me talk and said, "You're not sentimental at all." I've been thinking about that and I even talked about it with my therapist today so you know it has significance if I tell her.  Somewhere and somehow I've lost the sentimentalist I used to be.  I suppose somewhere deep down a smidgen of that person is left because there are still things I feel sentimental about but they are rare and most the time I might start to have that feeling about someone or something and I find myself just saying things like "nah" or "that's okay" and realizing I either don't feel that way anymore about that person or thing or it is just way too easy to talk myself out of those feelings and just abandon the object or the thoughts of that person.  

These days it manifests itself in the things I throw away never to be seen again.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Tonight I put three things in the garbage for the garbage man tomorrow......three things I never thought I'd part with.  Sentimental things meant to remind me of a person I loved or a memory I have about someone.  

A memory isn't a thing.  I've come to realize that and sometimes I wish I could erase my memories about some people the same way I just throw things away and then pouf (Adam Sandler reference there) part of those things that have held tight to you or you held tight to......take your pick, vanished with the things you throw away.  It has felt too good to throw some things away.  Some things it might seem callous to some that I threw away.  But it feels way too good like you just put a little bit more distance between you and that person or those painful memories you've held on to. 

Right now, I'm just wondering how far am I going to go?????  When it comes to what I throw away......I just wonder. 

 I guess when I finally get 12,000 miles away in my new home and I look around and see what I actually did bring with me then I'll know.  

Even then, I bet something sentimental sneaks itself in only to be thrown away there.  

But basically, I've learned not to care anymore about anyone who never cared about me despite the letters, songs, poems, pictures, or memories that say otherwise....that say they did care. I guess I don't make excuses for others anymore. They'd still be here if they wanted to. 

I've learned not to care about those objects that I hung on to.  

I think about those three things sitting out in the trash can waiting on the trash man tomorrow morning and nothing in me wants to go out and get them back.  

I think about the way I feel about people these days.....people who meant something to me, people I cared about, and people I loved.  I finally get it......how exactly you let go of a person despite anything they ever meant to you.  I wondered for years how people did that you see....I was too sentimental to do that but not anymore.  I finally know how. Not that I don't sit here and write about these things with tears in my eyes because I've changed and the past is indeed gone.  

Maybe now the only thing I'm sentimental about is the loss of my old self.....my old life.  Most the time I feel good about who I am, what I have, who I have in my life, and most of all for the bravery or courage to be who I am and to do what I choose to do.