Maybe

Maybe, just maybe, it will last.  

Dreams make your eyes sparkle over the possibilities of doing something new and exciting. Reality made the rest of you break a sweat in panic.  -DBF

This Thanksgiving was the best one I've had in four years.  For the first time in four years I haven't had to deal with last minute plans not happening and trying to create a passable Thanksgiving day, go to my best friend's family Thanksgiving all the time wishing I wasn't there because it felt so miserable not to be wanted where I should have been, or travel out of state to visit a friend for the week.  I did go to my best friend's family Thanksgiving again this year.  Out of state didn't happen this year.  But we had the best time ever.  All the hugs from everyone.  They really have taken me in as part of their family. I laughed all day long.  Got picked on by Bill & Todd all day long just like I used to from my dad and my uncles.  Then when everyone had left but just my best friend, her hubby, and I we just got to talking and laughing and joking even more and then noticed The Godfather was on TV.  Bill loves that movie but he decided not as much as I do.  He decided I know that movie like no one else he has ever met.  We have a date....all 3 Godfather movies in one day sometime soon.  Todd was going hammock camping up in the mountains the next day and he didn't leave to go get ready even though he said he was going to several times.  We just had the best time I've had in years on a holiday.  Christmas is coming up and we get another day like that one soon.  They're used to it and probably don't even understand at all what it means to me.  But even they said how much fun they'd had just hanging out after everyone left.  It wasn't just me that enjoyed it.  I was like myself....the person I am when I'm not struggling just to make it through a day and survive. 

I'm going away for Christmas.  I was going to cancel but then two thoughts......it very well may be the last Christmas I do go away like that there and I'm not taking the chance I wouldn't get stuck at home alone and all that sadness wouldn't be my best friend for days on end.  

I'm already getting the panic from what I'm thinking about for next year.  But I started the process anyway.  I'm doing it my way this time.  I've been looking at places to live.  Looking at one place to work although I'm open to others.  Opened up the huge Christmas storage box I evidently bought last year when I cleaned out my Christmas stuff and organized it into one box to put out all my Christmas stuff for maybe the last time here.  Already made a pile of other stuff from the box I am not keeping.  I'd forgotten this time last year the purge and packing things up nicely in prep to move had already started.  Going to buy a Halloween/Thanksgiving storage box to pack that stuff in as my prep for this year.  

No recycling continues.  Finally, four days later someone says to me they missed me Wednesday night.  I didn't tell anyone I wasn't coming.  No recycling though....I said it like it was to them.  They just said okay.  I don't care.  A true friend would have done for me what I've done for them over and over and over and over again over the years.  Out of all the people, one person missed me enough to ask where I was.  No recycling from the past.  It is funny how J called me a few years ago asking if I was still going to be his friend and I said yes, of course.  Yet as soon as he does what he says he was going to do, has he been mine??  Nope.  One I'd written off as someone who gets what they want that I seriously doubt will last at all actually apologized.  Yeah, okay.  I'm not hating but I'm not going out of my way either.  I'm findable.....for now.  

I'm feeling blessed and thankful though.  I have my small group of my friends who would never even think of walking away.  I finally have peace on holidays.  I finally have peace seeing those flowers on my parents' graves.  I can count down the days until the change is coming.  I'm not recycling and I won't ever again.  You left through a decision or an unconscious fading away then you aren't coming back.  

I don't know what next spring/summer will bring but if I get up enough strength or whatever you want to call it because I know I'm strong then all those who walked out or faded away will not be taken with me when I leave.  That's it.  That includes family as well.  No recycling...especially in a brand new life in a new place with everything new. 

Only time will truly tell.  

I absolutely hate that my 9 days of happiness & fun & peace are up.  Back to it I go tomorrow.