Vagabond

Vagabond.....a person who wanders from place to place without home or job. 

When I think about the word vagabond and someone you would call a vagabond, I think of someone who could pack all their things in a few boxes or suitcases that would fit in their car and just leave without any ties to a place.  Someone who quit a job and left a home to go to another place to find another job and home.  Possibly someone who does this more than once in their life.  The older I get, the more I wish I had been this person so I could be this person now without worry of a future I don't know.  There was a time when I'd done everything but pack when I was moving to Italy for two years but then life happened.  I wonder if life hadn't of happened when I was 31 years old what exactly my life would be like these days.  Would I be that vagabond I could have been?  Would I still be that way today? If there is one thing I regret it is that I haven't been that person but then in my eyes and with my values, I didn't stand a chance at being that person because of unavoidable life events. Where would I be today?  Would I have loved Italy so much or some other country or place in this world that I would be there today? No one can answer those questions for me...not even myself.  I had a dream a few months ago that this was exactly what I was.  It was actually a pretty good dream......one of those you wake up long enough to know what you are dreaming and go back to sleep so you can keep dreaming it. I envy those people who pack up and just go someplace else.....even if it is just to move nearby but in a new home.  I really envy those people who have lived in multiple places all around the US but especially around the world.  I know I'm very well traveled but part of me has always wanted to be more.....I've wanted to be that person who has lived in more than two states in the same country, one of which I don't even remember. 

I think about all those I know who have left a place and moved far away from it.....not knowing what the future would be, sometimes not knowing what job they would find, and definitely not what place they'd end up living in.  I know quite a lot.  J left here for Boston and then Boston for Hawaii.  D left here for Texas. Three M's I know left California for here.  S left New York for here. B & J left here for California. B left Michigan for Florida and then Florida for here and then here for Florida again. The list goes on.  It means taking a chance and rolling those dice to see what you get.  One thing I know is that you make what you get somehow once you get there. 

Lost and confused doesn't make for very good choices.  Sometimes you feel so desperate because of those feelings that any choice or change is something you grasp onto and charge head first into it.  Then it ends up being not what you thought or just plain bad.  That makes you afraid to make a conscious choice or to just let life happen and see what it leads you too because of the bad places you've ended up in.  

The question is can I let go of the place I've always lived for my entire life?  Am I too old to let go like that?  I don't know.  I sit here and I look around when I'm at home and I look around as I'm out driving anywhere I'm going.  Can I give up the known for the unknown?  It is just a step.  Once I get there, I can think of 100 things easily I will want to do. I sit here freezing when it was 22 degrees this morning and I think about the coldest I will ever be there and it certainly will be nowhere near 22 degrees.  I think about not needing an umbrella.  I think about flip flops even when it isn't summer.  I think about the cool sand at night this time of year and how it is cool...not cold. I think about the 90 degree days and a suntan from being in the sun even in the winter. I think about the exploring.  It would be a long long time before I'd feel the need to travel out of my new place to live.  

"You totally belong there!", says M last night when we were talking about it. It is meant for you, she says.  Then I watch her eyes light up after we were done seriously laughing hard about our trip to Washington DC a few years ago when I ask her......will you drive across country with me?  She says yes and I see the possibilities in her eyes and in my mind.  I feel the excitement about starting over in a new life where I get to be a version of the old me (maybe) but definitely a different me than I am now and maybe than I have ever been.  

I still say I leave and unless you are in the inner circle behind that wall, then nothing about my life with you goes with me. I like being Ms. Gone Girl.  Just disappearing to all those....well THOSE.  I know who they are. 

And I don't know.  Yes, I'm scared of making a mistake with it.  I know how to do it right this time though but even that is scary.  

So, I have to say what I say in these moments......the prayer I've prayed in so many situations.  If it is not meant for me....keep it away and what is meant for me.....lead me to it and let it happen.  I give it up to you because only you can know where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing, and how things are supposed to end up.  I give it to you....over and over.....every second of every day. I accept the outcome and your plans for me.

December 10th.....step 1.  If I "pass" then I'm moving forward with it.  

Change of subject.....karma.....

I haven't been trying, focusing, concentrating, wishing, or anything I do to hurry it up or cause it.  Yet again, someone gets theirs.  They never should have said what they said and did what they did.  Karma will bust you every time.....even if it takes awhile.  But this......this particular karma that found this one was brutal.  Time passes and those hurtful words lose their power with you but now they don't mean shit to me. You got yours and whether or not you think about what you said, you still lay there suffering with no end in sight. It is a weird thing knowing other than right at first, I didn't wish anything bad on them at all.  But even when I don't concentrate consciously on it, my subconscious has to be fixed on it and I don't know it. Stay on the good side.  Avoid your karma finding you.  Someone tells me to stop all the time but obviously I no longer have to try or maybe the little and brief concentration I gave to it was more than enough.  Might be scary to see what would happen if I did try these days.  Because I got in tune with it 7 years ago and I can control it now, it is more extreme? Hmmmmm.....

I leave it at that......all the thoughts rolling around in my head are now out.