I have to make a decision. As always, there is an easier way and there is a harder way. Both require risks and uncertainly of the future. Neither one could work out in their own ways. One could mean in a difficult situation but then I'm saying again that nothing could be more difficult than the current situation. The other could mean that in the end for one reason or another Path 2 just doesn't work out to be better. Maybe on Path 2 I want to go back to where I was. One thing I know is that Path 1 will not make me want to return to the before. Path 2 requires all that work and effort again and the worst part.......giving up the only security I have and that I control 100%. Can I give up the only security I have left?? I literally count down the days in small increments to each break from my situation I get. Knowing that I'm almost halfway to the end. Not caring. There is this wall. It just doesn't get to me anymore. I'm not letting it. It has bothered me and even tormented me enough. Lack of sleep, not wanting to eat, and it even made me sick for two days. The weird thing is if things had gone the way I wanted and tried so hard for, then I wouldn't be here yet I thought this was what was meant for me. It makes no sense whatsoever. Am I truly that lost? When the foundation is gone that you thought you'd always have is gone.....is this the way it is always? If I take Path 2 will I build a new foundation? Something I haven't been able to do here the past 3 years. I wish someone would either make this decision for me or that book of my life I wish I had would magically appear. That book so many wish for....the one that tells your life story and all you have to do is read to find out the path already determined for you and then follow it. No decisions. No getting in your way with bad decisions. I could try for Path 1 and then go with Path 2 as my back up although really it needs to be the other way around. Then the kicker is Path 2 goes with Path 1 but it is just a new start in a new place. A better place? Well, if it isn't then at least I have the one thing that I can always count on to make anything better in that place.
I attract people these days who struggle. Some I rely on and lean on and we mutually count on each other. We ask ourselves......just the place we are in right now in life or what is it? Others I just can't deal with because they have the one thing I don't that has been the source of the unhappiness and everything else that goes along with it for me and then we share other things. I don't mean to keep score but really....listening to the complaining or divulging all day every day is too much when you are dealing with what I deal with. You aren't lost like others, including myself, that are lost. Your foundation for your life is still intact
One thought leads me in a different direction which goes in another one and on and on and on. Last weekend birthday celebrating (if you could call it that) my best friend and I ended up late night shopping at Walmart because even though I don't shop there like ever, sometimes there are things you can only find at Walmart late night when everything else is closed. That $5 movie bin gets you every time....her more than me. I get frustrated with it because there is no way to get to the bottom and who knows what treasures are on the bottom. This is how you know someone is a best friend.....she finds a movie that not only does she know I loved but she also knows I don't own it. Heat is it. I had the time to watch it this weekend. Another reminder of the old 80's/90's movies I've been watching lately on cable. Watched Less Than Zero twice and then noticed Real Genius is on cable right now. Heat/Real Genius=Val Kilmer.
Then there is the internet which is great for letting your mind wander in different directions that turns into searching for this and that and clicking on this link and that one until you end up discovering something new. My something new was the movie Song to Song which I had to see because Ryan Gosling, Natalie Portman, and Val Kilmer's latest. I thought I kept up with Ryan Gosling 100% but missed that one.....wasn't in the theater or advertised. Finally found my in to watching it for free and I'm glad....wouldn't have wanted to own it or pay to watch it. Not that it is bad.....true art from a talented writer/producer but when I have to read the synopsis of it online to even understand it fully then it isn't one I'd watch over and over. I have to understand it but then read others' take on it. I like doing that. Seems to me a movie about one person making their own decisions and three others floating through life letting things find them. Trying anything and just letting it happen to them.
Is no decision or letting it happen to you a decision?? That is the question that I don't know the answer to although I recognize that is what I've been doing. Make a decision here. Stop letting it happen to you. Is it fear of failing? Well, making no decision hasn't been good either. Interesting thing about the characters in that movie is when one of the three made a decision it was them taking control of their lives again. The other two made a decision....one they'd already made but got lost from....their indecision and letting things just happen to them led them away from their original decision.
Isn't it about decisions? Right or wrong? Don't just let things happen to you. Something else learned, I guess. What do I learn? Narrowing down to two decisions instead of making no decisions and letting life happen to you has to be better.
So, make a decision. Choose a path that doesn't involve what you DON'T want but figure out what you do want. Easier said that done though. I pray every day all day for this ability again....that and not letting things phase me and definitely not letting them bother me anymore.
Stop looking for that person to save you and make your decisions for you.
Time to make one more than just the one I made not to stay, no matter what, in the indecision life made for me.
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