It has been an interesting week. I have several things to be thankful for today and that's a lot since I'm not really sure I felt like I had anything to be thankful for in awhile.
Monday I went to the doctor and it was just a refill prescription appt. since our wonderful government has changed the laws about some drugs people take these days. A few abuse these drugs or sell them and we all suffer now by having to go to the doctor every 3 months now to get them refilled. I personally never knew exactly how much this one drug makes a difference for me until I couldn't get an appt. for two months and only had enough to take 1/3 of what I take in a day. Anyway, my yearly exam isn't until January for all my blood work and tests I have to have. But my doctor tries to talk me into going ahead and having all the tests that day. We compromise on an A1C.....done right there, takes six minutes for the result, and won't be too horribly expensive. Hey, if my kidneys, liver, or heart are affected by this I'd be shocked seeing as how I follow the diabetic diet religiously and have for years so I'll wait till January for those tests. It even says it on my chart/paperwork.....non-complicated diabetes is my diagnosis. Then the proof is in that A1C. I don't check my blood sugar every day anymore because it is always GOOD! My doctor says my A1C should be at a 6. Well it came back as a 5.7!! A moment of true excitement. A 5.7 is in the normal range for a person without diabetes. I win!! You'd have to be me......going through what I went through with my mom and her diabetic complications as well as the life changes I made to avoid being diabetic her to even understand this. Made my day....made my life for a little while anyway. Still kind of on that high.
Then I was meeting Melinda for happy hour at a place we love but forget about most the time. She was excited and happy for me. Everyone else I'm waiting to tell in person even though I felt like yelling it out to everyone. Very interesting conversation with Melinda. She knows what I've been considering for about a month now. That decision I have to make. She's supportive. She said something so interesting and thought provoking and eye-opening to me while we were talking. Her and Lisa had a conversation about me before Lisa died. I have to wonder how they saw this and I never have but having Melinda say it made me realize I've done this my entire life. She tells me they worried about me and I know they did and I know all of my group of friends still worry about me every day. They know.....I've told them everything as it has happened. She said her and Lisa thought I needed to stop "recycling" or trying to recycle people from my past. I knew what they were talking about. I've always been that person who maybe thought something with someone was better than it was and certainly better than what they thought it was. I stayed focused on that even when it meant nothing much to the other person. I truly believed they felt the same way I did, we could have it back, and they wanted that too. Except everything really points to that they wouldn't have abandoned it if it was worth anything to them, I feel deeper than others, and it was more important to me than it ever was to them. Now, I understand why I do this but that's another story all in itself. I get it now. Stop recycling or trying to recycle these people who weren't even worth it the first go around. Let it be done even if they come back around again. Don't dismiss what you KNOW to be true about them and how they treated you. Don't give into that even though my past makes me want something good so badly that I do in hopes it will be what I need and what I'm looking for. It never has been and it never will be. I'm done with it. No more breadcrumbs you are thankful for getting. No thanks.
I still don't know if the big huge decision for my life will be the "right" one. What is right anyway? Can't it be what I make of it? But, I do know that I also got the contact with someone through Melinda that I needed to get the ball rolling for this. Will it be hard....hell yes. I still have such an issue giving up the only thing that is a foundation and my security. It is my haven however I also know of past havens I created for myself and present havens I have that are just borrowed when I'm there. Maybe a haven doesn't have to be owned by you to be one for you. Maybe it isn't a haven but just a safe place for me and would the new not be a new haven I create for myself? Yes, it would be. I know I would create myself a new haven. I know I can. That thought is intoxicating and exciting to me too.
I went by the cemetery yesterday. New flowers means someone was there.....within walking distance of me and once again they came and went and I got nothing from them. It didn't hurt as bad as it has the past years. That is THE thing in my life that has been the worst combined with the person who is really responsible for making things that way and what they did to make that happen.
This is going to take a lot from me....maybe even more than last year did. But I'm strong and I don't give up....I might walk away from bad situations but I don't give up on my dreams.
So, for the first time in awhile on this day, I actually am thankful. I'm thankful for the ones that stuck around and the new ones that already love me for who I am, I'm thankful for the new doors opening, and I'm thankful for the truth and self-realization.
More later......
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