So began a huge undertaking. I just happened to see these picture holders at The Container Store(I'm addicted to it). They hold 1,000 pictures a box at least, I think. They have 10 or 12 little boxes inside a bigger box in all different colors. Best thing ever. So I began the task of removing all those pictures from old skinny plastic picture albums and those paper sleeves, sorting through them, making a stack for certain people who would like my parents' old pictures, throwing some away, and then storing the ones I wanted to keep inside the little containers and then all of them in the big containers.
Getting ready to move has been more of an undertaking this time around that it seemed to be last time (things bred in my closets and garage....I swear). Don't ask me how all this shit I'm putting in my storage cube is going to fit into my new place since I'm downsizing majorly. So, last night I was going through these boxes in one of my spare bedrooms....throwing stuff away and packing up things I was keeping when damn it, I found a whole other huge box of pictures I forgot about that I now will be spending hours upon hours putting in The Container Store boxes which means I will also have to buy more of the storage containers now. Sigh
But I'm been thinking of pictures lately anyway so this just got my thoughts going in some new places.
Three years ago as I began to go through all these pictures, I threw away massive amount of pictures. Not only did I throw them away but I also took great pleasure in ripping the ones I was throwing away into little pieces or bit pieces but the ripping was a necessity....it felt good....much better than just tossing the pictures of people I believe I'd punch in the face as hard as I could if given the chance. That's how I felt at the time anyway. I'm past that now or so you would think.
A month or so ago I guess I realized something else I needed to purge. After a lifetime of wondering how you get closure, I figured it out one night. It just hit me really. As long as you are holding onto ANY reminders which can be pictures, notes or letters written to you, dried rose petals, etc. to hold on to someone and something you used to have or THOUGHT you had, then you will never have closure. So, I got out all the reminders including some birthday or Christmas presents too and I tossed them into a garbage bag and then I took my garbage down to the room all my photo albums are in and I got every picture out of this person I wanted erased forever from my life and I did that thing I've learned to do. If I'm in it, rip it so I get to keep the picture of me but the person is gone. Then I did rip those pictures or pieces of pictures into pieces before putting them in the garbage bag with the rest of the stuff. When I was done, I took the garbage bag out to the garbage can. Then the next day after work I put out the garbage for pick up the next day. Like those times three years ago or two years or even one year I stood at a window looking out at that garbage can sitting on the curb waiting for the trash man to come and get and I thought......you could go get some of the things you threw away and continue to keep them as reminders even though it wouldn't be the pictures you could do that with. But I didn't do it once. So, closure has been mine with different people and all the myriad of memories these things I threw out were constant reminders of. Gone....it is a very weird thing when pictures and mementos are no longer there that you've kept for years because you were some sentimental idiot who thought one day I might be glad I have these....what ifs you know. It is still a little odd that everything is gone that was a reminder of this one person (the most recent person I disposed of reminders of). Still stuck in my mind though.
Which brings me to tonight's thoughts about pictures. If all these many boxes, albums, and sleeves of photos were gone would I miss them? Aren't the most important ones in my mind (unfortunately, depending on who was in them). Personally, I'm about to the place where the thought of packing all the boxes to take to storage just makes me what to chuck them all. Too much shit!!
Over the past three years ago a lot of people walked away from me and right out of my life.....people I'd known my entire life, people I'd known since I was 5 years old, and on up through adulthood. See, once you stop being the one who keeps in touch and plans every damn thing you and your group do, you see who really is your friend. You also see when your life is about these things: work, going straight to whatever hospital or rehab center your mother is in, doing for her all afternoon and evening, leaving after she falls asleep, running as long and hard as you can once you're home, and the random sleep when you can get it. But the people you thought were your closest friends (some of them) offer no support and in one person's case, the bitch actually called me and woke me up from much needed sleep to accuse me of doing something I didn't even do. Like she had no fucking clue that the only thing I was doing was taking care of my mom and working, eating, and sleeping when I could. She also wouldn't leave me alone one night when the heart doctor was trying to talk to me about tests he'd done on my mom. Exactly why I don't have an ounce of care for her anymore. But then there is a list of others. One who ditched me in the weirdest way October of 2017 for no reason I can figure out still to this day and she refuses to explain decided last weekend she's going to tell me AGAIN that she is waiting for me to make my way back to her. WHAT? I'm not going into that but I wasn't the one who walked away for no good reason and I wasn't the one who ignored her the way she did me. It is hard not to want what you had back. But once again, she couldn't find or make the time for me to really talk about this. I waited for two days because she said she was calling me...she needed to talk to me and not through text only to have her never call. But this whole time I thought about this.
I've found my peace and I've made it with things I can't control. I'm actually happy with the exception of one aspect of my life that I am changing in 63 days. She had me really getting anxious and upset on Sunday when I was trying to study for a huge test I was taking Monday morning for new certification. So, I thought about it and I thought, "No thanks!". Forget waiting on her to call. All it was doing was ruining my peacefulness and happiness and no one gets to do that. So, I just blocked her in every way I could so she can't ever get in touch with me again.
And so now I realized at some point I will go back through all those pictures and discard the ones of her as well.
That trash can sits out at the curb again tonight waiting for the trash man to get everything in it tomorrow and with that stuff gone, I will be just a little more free of things from the past I just don't want in my life. The best thing in this world for me is freedom.....to do what I want with who I want where I want. It is being able to pick up and move anywhere in the world I want. It is being able to not care. It is being able to be glad certain people are gone for good out of my life and to be able to keep them from ever "finding" me very shortly. It is knowing with 200% certainly I wouldn't give these people the time of day if they did manage to come around me again. It is having the money to make anything I want to happen actually happen.
I'm kind of thinking pictures are a little bit stupid tonight since I've been throwing so many away and then keeping all these I feel like I "should" keep. It gives me great pleasure to think of all those pictures I tore into pieces and threw away somewhere under dirt in a landfill exactly where they belong. Dirt is too good for some of the people in those pictures.
Randomly.....I read an article tonight about how Dr. Seuss and his books/characters were really racist and we should stop reading them to kids. I read all the specific examples and for the life of me, I just don't see how him or his books were racist.
Another stupid thing I read today.......the whole "black face" thing is running rampant because of those political men of whatever state but hopefully this thing I read today was just a joke. I think it was because someone said women should stop using charcoal masks on their faces to clean their pores. Um no, just deep cleaning my face when I use mine.......no racism there.
Everyday, this world gets more crazy.
The marine (?) who was planning a terrorist attack on democrats and news groups because they speak their mind about that orange cheeto we call president who was caught by the FBI today. Really??????
This is what we have become........
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