I close my eyes and I can see
The world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy
We can live in a world that we design
Somehow this has become my lyrics from this song
Dreams I'm focused on have taken root in all five senses.
Sight......I picture the colors of the sky blending into the colors of the ocean the way they do at sunset. I picture the almost other worldly terrain in canyons that are everywhere there. I picture I no not....yet....that is my own with colors and rooms and outside areas I love....cuteness. I picture that B on the side of the hill. I picture a million things I dream about now because I'm not there experiencing it.
Sound......honking of horns mostly.....lol. The sounds of the waves crashing either against the rocks loudly in some places or gently against the sand. The sounds from The Hollywood Bowl if you're close enough to it to hear whatever bands are playing. The absolute quietness of the cemeteries, especially Hollywood Forever, with the occasional noice those peacocks make. Imani's voice and her crazy way of blurting out anything that is so funny. The laughter of two little girls I consider my nieces. Jen's giggle that just bubbles over.
Touch......the cool sand under your feet. Boards on the boardwalk when you walk down to the end barefoot. Fingers and toes in the sand and in the ocean. Hugs from the people I love there. Holding hands.
Taste........lobster macaroni. Sugar free red velvet cupcakes. Those blueberry almold protein bars I love. In N Out Burger. BJ's. Cali mexican food.
Smell.....the way the trees smell in Topanga Canyon. Always the way the beach smells. In N Out Burger smell a mile away from one. The smell while you're walking through the Venice Canal neighborhood. Weird but the smell of the sun....especially in the winter.
That's just a few and there are so many more that I take note of when I'm there.
We can live in a world we design and I know what it won't have and I know what it will have.
Everyday I get drug down by the craziest stuff ever. I leave feeling horrible. How I wish I could just block it out and it not matter. At least I can just put it out of my mind and away it goes. I can do that with everything these days except for one thing. I come home and I either can't function or I'm over hyper throwing things away and cleaning like mad. I dread going the next morning. I listen to music on the way that puts me in the best mood ever. At night I dream of the way some feel when they touch me. It lulls me to sleep with good dreams.
The past few years I've had to remember something....no problem and no setback is forever. I drown in my sorrows for a little bit but if there is one thing I've learned it is that there is no problem that I can't work out. So, I stand straight and tall again and I let my brain do the work and my fingers do the research if needed and I figure it out.
I plan escapes because if I didn't I think I might go crazy. Front rom P!NK tickets in two weeks. St. Patty's Day weekend...hotel room....crazy friends.....the random who knows what will happen. Cali in April....interviews & house hunting. The best ever will be walking out on that last day with my best friend, SUV packed to the brim with beach stuff and just being one with the waves, sounds of the ocean, and smells of the beach. Not thinking of anything but raspberry cosmos, prosecco, seafood for every meal, shopping, and never having to see those faces again. May our trip this year not involve rest areas and 911 calls and the New Yorker cussing strange men out and guns that belong to us. LOL She told me this week our iife should be a reality show and sometimes I believe her.
This...
I close my eyes and I can see
The world that's waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one's been before
But it feels like home
They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say I've lost my mind
I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy
We can live in a world that we design
I want to sing every word with P!NK in two weeks and mean them all. I hope she sings that. I want to sing Who Knew teary-eyed with her because that is my song. Front row....she always touches the people front row, takes things from them, sometimes signs stuff, and sometimes talks to them. I want it all. I want her and Justin to sit on stools and sing Time After Time but the only time I saw that was in Melbourne, Australia. I want to see her sing and do the performance to Sober the closest I've ever seen it. I want to buy my shirt I wish I'd bought last time.
Still peaceful. Went to see my dad at the cemetery over the weekend I think. Busy day there so didn't just get to sit and have a conversation with him and yes, he communicates back even though I can't hear him out loud. I used to talk to my mom too but it was never anything good or nice so I just don't anymore.
Funny thing was, I had one of those dreams again about us all as a family again but with the knowledge I know now. If it is real, then something I hoped for is going on. If it is true, then evil little me is glad. One of my favorite songs has a line in it "Babe, you're so young and pretty but you're evil, you ought to know." that I claim.
My world I design is being formed right now.
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