I'm going to have to tell my therapist to stop asking the question.....did you hear from her? I'll tell her if I ever do which I'm not holding my breath waiting on because it isn't going to happen.
I wish I could make myself not look for pictures of them online. They're rare but sometimes they're there. It gets to me way too much. I know the greatest love I've ever had is my boy.....I love him like my own even though he isn't. I was there when he was born and I was there for countless of other things over a 10 year span. I can feel his arms around my waist and hear him say "Cindy" if we were just casually talking or "Aunt Cindy" if he wanted to have a serious conversation. My favorite serious conversation is the one we had about turkey on Thanksgiving one year. I remember all the lizards I got put on me because he couldn't find a snake that day (thank God) and he knew how much I hate anything that even resembles a snake. And he'd just laugh as I freaked out. And the spider friend he made one hot summer day. That four year old boy climbed up somewhere only to get a spider out of its web. Weirdest spider I've ever seen but he was so proud of it and he put it down on the carpet in the living room only to have his ass of a dad step on it and kill it. He cried like his heart was breaking because his daddy killed his spider friend.
That's heartbreak......being without him. He's the one that is overly sensitive. One of my last memories with him proved that. He has a beautiful soul and Kelli says one day he'll be back with me again. I don't even try to predict the future and I certainly don't hope for things like that. Who needs disappointment? I can easily say though that I love him like I never have loved anyone ever. The honest and pure love of a child isn't like any other love. I miss him every day. Now he's about to be 13 and at least as tall as I am judging from his pictures. He just got glasses too.
Between Kelli bringing him up and new pictures I should know it was coming.
Woke up this morning dreaming a new version of the same dream I always have. They come around me and I feel ecstatic until I realize they're not talking to me.....they're ignoring me or either they can't even see or hear me. Sometimes I run up to them and sometimes I just talk to them....with no response. It is like I'm invisible. Today's dream started with them stacking a tall stack of rugs on my front porch and having a truck of other stuff. There they all were doing whatever they were doing and I felt so happy to have them there but just because they brought him. Then it is the same.....ignoring or not hearing me like I'm absolutely nothing.
I'm not a perfect person and I've done things I'm not proud of but I'm quite certain the good things I have done cancel out having to deal with this. I don't even know why.
But enough.......I'd be a really insensitive person if I just forgot ten years with my boy and didn't still love him. He never did anything and he's a victim of this craziness just like me.
So, I made a decision. I was thinking about it last night and I woke this morning from my dream and I just knew I should do it. Frugal hasn't been a characteristic of mine in a long time. So, I know what I'm doing and where I'm going for Christmas/NYE this year now. Asked my friend who went last year on my little adventure. This time I'm really splurging on it. Gets me through Christmas/NYE without my boy...then let's do it.
I've never been the person who lets doing something alone stop me from doing it at all. Sometimes doing something alone is so much better than with someone. You get to do exactly what you want....no discussions about what to do.....no concessions to doing something you don't really want to do because the other person does.
Maybe between now and then someone will want to go and run away for the best week I can think of with probably Hawaii as the exception.
Maybe........or I do it alone and I won't suffer for it either.
So, Safari bound I am.
I want to see tons of these...
Cutest room ever and there is room for four more people in it....it could be a party. LOL
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