Two of them, no one said there were two of them

I'm trying to make this short and sweet but there is so much in the last almost three years that is the root of it all.  

My therapist held up a mirror to my life during the months we spent going through my childhood to present times.

I realized a lot of things about why I do things I do, the fact that I always pushed it all inside instead of dealing with it. the way I thought it was normal, the routines I developed to make myself feel like I could go out into the world with everyone else, the inability not to accept what was right in front of my face....and so much more I'm sure. 

Then there I was stuck with worse sadness and depression at first because of finally seeing the truth.  Then came the anger.....irrational and crazy anger.  Last came the hatred.  

I don't know how to get past the hatred.  The anger is gone.  The sadness and depression wait for me to fall back into them fully after something happens that can make me do that.  No one faces a life where everything is good all day every day.  I just can't handle the little things like others.  They put me into a tailspin right back into sadness and depression.  

I'd be more than willing to sit down with anyone and tell how it has been for me the past couple of years if they wanted to know.  Some do know every little detail. 

I did and said a lot of things to various people due to having no outlet for that anger.  I've never known such irrational and all-consuming anger like that before. I fight not to let the anger be the only way I handle everything with others anymore.

I have been able to talk to exactly three people that were the recipients of that crazy anger and work things out.  Some others I want to talk to still and explain what was going on and apologize for anything I said or did due to the anger being an all-consuming reaction to the least little thing. 

Some I've tried to only to realize they truly aren't worth it and yes, I threw all that anger their way, but they aren't good people anyway and not someone I needed in my life.  

Others I don't understand.....they must have their own demons that I don't know about that just don't mix with mine.  I still think we could share what we go through and work it out but evidently they're not in the same place I am, they really didn't care, it is too hard to admit they care, or they are just incapable of admitting what they did. I don't know and I'll just be pleasantly surprised if they try to work anything out unless it is too late because you eventually write people off instead of waiting. 

Then there is the group that caused the most pain for me because these are the people I cared about the most even when I shouldn't have.  This is how that has gone.  

One reached out to me after their dad died.  There's a club you see that you just get thrown into when a parent dies.  If it hasn't happened to you yet, just wait. You and your life will never be the same ever again but you will get a whole lot more empathy for others and you'll finally understand why those in that club are the way they are. We talked and things went back to how they were between us. Nice surprise.  

Another reached out to me and that was the anger time and I spoke my mind about how you can't not talk to me for who knows how long knowing my mom had died and it couldn't have been easy and then talk to me like no time has went by.  She didn't give up though. I ignored so many texts and phone calls before finally I talked to her.  Then the next time I saw her she cried while apologizing to me but then it was all good because she'd been going through her own stuff and not telling me about it.  All is good and back to normal.  I don't hold it against her and I know how crazy full of anger I was.

Number three I saw last night for the first time in more than three years.  First, I let that anger out at her for all the things that make her the person she is but I couldn't handle at the time way back when.  We stopped talking.  Then in the past few months I've talked to her on and off.  But this summer I've finally hit that place of having no anger anymore and realizing I don't want to stay angry when I never should have been and I want to fix these things with these people. 

We went to my favorite hangout these days and sat at the bar until our table was ready.  The bartenders are hilarious there and we were sitting next to these two guys that were fun too.  Troy was there who is my favorite bartender/waiter.  I got on to him because I go like every weekend and order the same thing and he should know me and remember so I don't have to order.  LOL  I also know he's too young for me but he is certainly my type anyway.  I'm not limiting myself to things these days though.  Things don't have to be some certain perfect way.  They never were even when I thought they were so I might as well enjoy what comes my way.  I refuse to let the past be the reason I don't do things anymore. I refuse to always take the moral high ground anymore. Now he says he will never forget and he'll always just bring me my drink.  Great time waiting for our table but then we got to really talk alone at our table and I told her all that I just said about the irrational anger and I apologized but she stopped me pretty quick.  She's told me about her sisters and mom and dad before but she went on to say she was used to how I acted and she did understand me and how I acted and she accepted it.  It didn't bother her that I got angry with her and she left me alone until I was ready.  She also knows like Jen and Dee that it is possible to deal with things that cause problems but then to talk and work them out, forgive, and go right back to the way you were.  Just excuse how we look.....it was raining and we did get rained on.

So, this was our night.....things are back to normal.  Had the best time ever at my favorite restaurant/bar.  Then we had always planned to go see The Meg in the Xtreme theater because we love shark week and we usually watch while on the phone together some of it.  She told me from the beginning she'd probably end up in my lap.  We probably got on people's nerves but oh well.  Sharks are scary and if there are still prehistoric Megdalons out there then that would indeed be the worst.  

Too much wine for me or just enough depending on how you look at it.  That makes me take down that wall that keeps me from so much that I shouldn't deal with so can there be too much wine??  I think not.

Crazy times in the theater...

 Best line of the movie.....two of them, no one said there were two of them.  

Freakiest thing ever.  I was looking at my phone on the way home and Natalie just starts freaking out about "zombies" sitting on the side of the road.  I told her zombies aren't real and she said it was people dressed up like them sitting in the grass beside the road to freak people out.  I made her turn around and go back so I could see.  Well there were three cars in front of us that did the same thing.  They went slow to look again but Natalie all the way stops knowing these things are on my side of the car right there.  I start freaking telling her to drive but then I really look at them and realize they aren't real people.  They are just dolls dressed up to be like zombies left sitting in the grass as a prank I guess.  It was freaky though.  Not a nice thing to see after watching a scary movie.  

So, one more thing.  No one reads this anyway but here is my hope.  Some, I've already tried to talk to, explain, apologize, work it out in some sort of way.  Everyone reacts in different ways so if Dee, Jen, and Natalie are the only ones that things got (in Dee's case) or get back to normal with then that's life.  

You need to think about something.  I would absolutely HATE myself if I hadn't of sat down with Dee and talked to her and worked out everything so we had three years (I guess) of our close friendship back before she took her own life.  I would have lost three years of good times but mostly accepting that we both had been through bad stuff and still were and we were able to support each other.  

Others I've had to deal with being accused of trying to talk to them for other untrue reasons but then that one is a true asshole who I never should have thought could be in my life anyway.  I felt for him.  He's had a lot of bad things happen to him but guess what....so have I and yes, I was a raging angry mean person to some for awhile.  I know it but that isn't me always my whole life.  He's always been who he is and just treated me differently some of the time because he wanted something from me.

One at the time, asked me what was wrong specifically asking me what that look on my face of pain was.  I had the opportunity to tell him but I did what I used to do best and said nothing when I could have told him exactly what I was thinking about.  Things could have been different if I didn't used to be that person who thought I had to be perfect with no problems because it made me feel like I wasn't worthless. I did a really mean thing to him...not saying he didn't ask for it but I could have just walked away.  Worked out for him in the end anyway so even though I seriously doubt we will ever talk and be friends again, I'm okay with it and I wish him well. 

There are others.  I'm just waiting and seeing.  I take responsibility but you have to too like Dee and Jen did or it can be like Natalie where she knew what I was doing and why and she left me alone until I was back to normal. 

There is another one.  I tried because like these others I'd like to explain and apologize for things I said and did.  I think that is a Natalie situation.  Two people who dealt with some of the same stuff but lots of different stuff too.  Two people who keep fighting.  There are differences though too.  If there is one thing I've learned a lot about it is forgiveness.  Some, I'll never be able to forgive and stop hating most likely.  But this one....there is no reason and nothing standing in the way except this person.  I'm open and I have no issues apologizing and spending three hours the way Natalie and I did last night talking.  I have no problems reaching a better place.  Communication has been an issue for me in the past but I think it was always an issue for us.  Now, I don't deal with communication as an issue anymore so what about you?  That's what I'd say given the chance anyway but I don't get it.  I tried.  I have to wonder why I still feel a connection like it isn't over though.