I've been writing every day....in my journal....pen and paper. So much going on and mostly just wanted that freedom of being able to say it all there.
One night I'm with who I guess you could say is my best friend these days for her birthday. We went to see A Star Is Born and then to Taco Mac for a late dinner where we sat outside on the patio and got eaten up by mosquitos. Best movie but neither one of us had seen any of the old ones it was a remake of so ummmm we didn't know the ending. Everyone else in the theater obviously did seeing as how we were the only ones crying our eyes out and using our popcorn napkins for kleenex. But we decided last night we have to see it again in the theater. It was that good even though the end hit a very raw and sad and painful home that night.
The next day....just not a good feeling day.
Woke up the day after and knew I couldn't stay here another day feeling the way I did. I needed to run away for one night. So, I packed that bag and left the next morning. Went to my closest place I run away to. Lunch at my favorite place to eat there. Then spent the entire day outside in nature......waterfalls, hikes, climbing my favorite tree, sitting on the stone wall at my favorite overlook of the mountains and watching the sun set. Also found exactly what I was looking for in my favorite antique store as well but that wasn't why I really went....that was just a bonus. Home the next day after breakfast at my favorite place there. And so it starts over.
Tuesday comes along and right now I can't even remember why because I've blocked it out but by the time I came home I was down to rock bottom's wine cellar again. Blocking it out has become a wonderful strategy of dealing with things that I've learned. Never remember it again once I decide to do that.
Now, there are two ways I lose it. One is a full out panic/anxiety attack.....September 2017 was the last time I had one of those. Those wear you all the way out. The other way I lose it is just losing my temper. And I've got one....a bad one. Got that from my dad. He had the worst one ever. I lost it and I lost it bad that evening. Something just pushed me over the edge. You don't even want to know what losing my temper is like or why I did that night. It is over after all the destruction has been done and then I feel remorse and sorry for things I thought and said out loud. Some stupid little thing finally makes you lose it after a whole day of putting up with one thing after another that made you feel like you wanted to lose it but you couldn't where you were.
So, that is twice in a month I lost my temper and two things I really needed that I broke during the tantrums of it all. Yes, adults with horrible tempers have tantrums as well. I like throwing things and breaking them and slamming doors and screaming exactly how I feel sometimes too.
I tried to figure out why that day was like that....leading up to the tantrum. I thought well maybe it was because that morning driving Used to Love Her by GNR came on right when I was driving by the cemetery and I had this great idea to rewrite those lyrics to be about someone buried in that cemetery who it is certainly wrong for me to hate but I do and I can't stop either. Hit rewind and sang my lyrics to it all the way to work. That wasn't a very honorable and nice thing of me to change those lyrics to what I did. Maybe it was that. Bad karma. Idk.
Some things I did get from that though. Some things that leave me all the way with no idea again about the future.....full of uncertainly except for one thing.
So, tomorrow I'm going to church and then lunch there. Then my very best friend and I are going for a nice walk, probably at Stone Mountain, to enjoy this weather and then spending the rest of the day on her back porch enjoying the weather and working towards these new goals we both now have. You know when you just can't stay where you are and you have to change something and in my case, hope it is a good change. I wish one of two things.....someone would come along and change my life for me without me having to make a decision at all and I would like it. Rescue me you might say from this life. The other thing I wish is that whatever comes my way is going to change things. Just thinking about staying stagnant in the same place with the same things makes me miserable yet I don't know what it is I want. Except I just want to be happy all the time and I want some peace about the things I never will be happy about that I just have to live with.
What gave me temporary happiness and peace for two days anyway.....
My Daddy brought me here my entire life on a regular basis since I was a little girl.
Hilarious to a friend and I because it looks like the "monster" in Jeepers Creepers was behind me.
So many memories and it is just me visiting them there now mostly.....I don't take many people there anymore.
I've been climbing "my" tree for many years now just to get up to the ledge to sit and watch the waterfall.
Happiness for one day anyway.
EJ has me liking black and white pictures these days. He changes them all to black and white. Ok, he got this one and I got all the others in color.
Since last time I was here someone has put cute little signs and decorations all down there at my tree and my waterfall. Moved the picnic tables around too.
I do sit for hours up in my tree on the ledge nature made and listen and watch my waterfall for hours sometimes. I don't even think about anything. I am just one with nature.
Now, let's go sit on the stone wall at the overlook over the valley and watch the sun set.
I took way too many pictures of what was an amazing sunset but just picked four I thought were really nice. Talked to all the other people sitting up there watching it set about waterfalls to make sure we all knew where the best ones were.
Then the next day....it was back to real life.
Next weekend we run away to go horseback riding in the mountains and enjoy nature again.
Week after......Stone Mountain for our annual Halloween/Fall fun. Southern Ghosts
Then the next week....LA baby. So ready to get on that plane that I already want to pack.
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