There's this brown wooden box of pictures but they aren't so old. The box was a Christmas present I gave one year. Now I have the box because turns out I was the only one who cared enough to take anything personal out of the house when no one else was left to live there. I've gone through all of the pictures and taken them out of the photo albums. That took forever and I'm on box 6 or 7 I think of the picture storage boxes. I put the rest of the pictures in a plastic storage container until I can go buy more picture storage boxes.
But I saved the brown wooden box with the picture windows on the top and the areas inside to sort pictures into for last. I knew the pictures in that box are from the last 11 1/2 years. I don't know if there are older pics than that in there but most of them are from the past 11 1/2 years. I didn't purposely save it for last like I thought about it and planned it. But maybe I did subconsciously. I don't know. One doesn't know really how different things are going to affect you. That is one thing I've learned. Some things you could care less about when you should and other things mean something when you didn't think they would.
So, yesterday I decided to go through that box even though I can't really organize them into a storage container right now and there are way too many pictures in that box to sort and organize in the box the way they were supposed to be put in there. I didn't make it very far at all. Guess I was saving that box for later for a reason. The pictures in that box are a weird combo of the best time in my life and the beginning of the worst too. Sometimes it might have been the worst. But it also was the best. I didn't get very far because it makes my heart hurt to think of how things are now. What I miss out on and all the old memories we made and the new ones we should be making. My heart will always hurt this way as long as things stay the way they are now. Questions always run through my mind. What did you tell them? Why? How can you be so cruel? Some I know the answer to and some I probably never will. I can't even think of one day maybe because if it never happens then to have any hope at all would be nothing but more painful.
I'll never miss anything more. I do know that. It shouldn't be this way.
First, came the sadness. Then I got really angry and unfortunately took that out on anyone who was around who did anything at all wrong. Even strangers. I still do but not as much or as bad. I'm trying not to so they don't know I do it. It is all in my mind and it just comes out in how I treat someone. I just stop talking to them for awhile and sometimes that lasts a long while and in some cases it is going on years now. Funny thing is the ones that don't realize it for awhile or still haven't realized it. Sadness turned to anger and anger turned to hatred. I think the hatred is gone until I realize how unfair this truly is. Even if there isn't hatred, there is still nothingness. I want nothing absolutely to do with the person whose fault this is even when I am not hating them.
The pictures are bad enough but there is this one hand drawn picture with a note on it to me that will always be the most special thing to me because it came out of 100% love when others didn't do a thing. My compassionate favorite person who looked at me like he was sorry and went to his room where he goes when he's feeling bad or upset. That one is sensitive. But then he comes back with that picture with the note and he was so proud of it too. So maybe I do have some hope about one day with that one. He always was my special favorite even if you aren't supposed to have favorites.
I write about these things because maybe not holding it in will make it better.
Memories are a great thing and I wouldn't want to not have them but they turn out as painful reminders too of what you don't have anymore.
So, I cope in ways that probably aren't very good and I know they aren't nice. But I'm a scorpio and we're famous for that sting and revenge. That why I say I always want for someone who does me wrong to feel worse than they made me feel. So, I tear up all the pictures of three people in particular and I enjoy it. Throw things away that belong to them and don't feel bad about it at all when I could mail some of them to one person anyway. One of them might very well know I do this with their belongings and I hope so. I hope somehow they know how much hatred I have for them. I don't go around telling everyone what they did who know them but slowly if it comes up I do. Don't think they care anyway. I focus frequently on the revenge I would wish on them even though two people tell me not to. Been wishing for two years for a car accident in that brand new Audi you're so proud of. Sometimes I even wish you'd die in it. For the other one who suffers from cancer like my dad did I wish it isn't gone.....that it comes back. Wouldn't feel bad if that one died from it too. The third one I hate may or may not know. I hope so though.
So, I'm out for awhile. Two weeks and one day of peace, relaxation, fun, friends, loves, and the place that is home to me in my heart. It will all still be here when I get back.
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