Going forward and going back

Funny little thing when going forward is going back at the same time. Phone wakes me up this morning and I need to go get my background check done for my new job.  So I go.  Left a little early but they let me do it early anyway.  I've done this before in the same place. 

I'm going forward....moving on from where I was and all those people I didn't want to be around anymore.  Yet at the same time I'm going back to what I knew before the past ten years. Ten years.  I can't believe I was there ten years.  My best friends I made there moved on and tried over and over to tell me to.  But I was stuck in a comfort zone even if it made me miserable every single day. When you have lost everything then it is impossible to leave the one thing you still have no matter how much you hate it. 

Right after I leave the person who I am lucky to call friend texts me and she had just left my (our) new school and just had to tell me how excited they all are about me coming to teach there.  I knew from the beginning that it was my place.  Feeling wanted like that is a really good feeling.  One I don't get much or maybe the problem is I don't get it from who I used to. 

I miss the days of no sadness and no depression. 

But no matter what I still get up every day and do what I need to do and I go on.  S pointed that out to me the other day when we were talking about this. She never sees me not doing things I need to do and she's amazed at how things that would take other people down don't do that to me.  She says that's the important thing...I get back up and keep going. 

Some don't truly know any of this. I know I laugh sometimes but not the hard laughter that brings tears to your eyes....the kind where you are laughing so hard that someone snorts and then it is even funnier. When did that kind of laughter go away?

Sometimes it seems like what I have now will never be enough but I'm trying to fix some things with the people I pushed away.  Some get it and they meet you halfway and some never left you at all.  Some you don't want back ever and some you think about all the time and some don't even try to understand and some won't even listen to you. 

You don't take someone who thinks they are worthless because of what the ones who should always be there did to you or what they didn't do. Along comes a situation that makes you feel that same way. They let you down and then you just say okay, who cares and you take all that anger out on them.  And it has been a lot of anger.  I struggle with it every day after the disappointment fades away. Don't think I don't hate it.  I do.  I'm glad for the ones that saw I didn't mean it....that it wasn't them but what I was going through.  Sometimes when someone makes you feel worse than you already did all you want is to make them feel worse than you do. Sometimes that is the only way you can get any of that anger out that has no place to go.  I'm thankful for the ones that owned up to things they did that were hurtful and gave me the chance to say what I needed to say.  Guess those are the true friends right there. 

I am my father's daughter for sure.  He was the exact same way and things could be scary when we got mad at each other. Speaking of my Daddy, I'm almost done going through all my parents pictures and organizing and storing them.  Came across some real gems this week.  Like this one......

First time he went to Underground.  My dad loved food so you see him with popcorn, a muffin, and a smoothie and probably something I can't remember.  Problem was he tripped and fell down the stairs carrying all that.  He ended up with smoothie all over his glasses and face and we just watched his muffin bounce across the floor.  But that is how it always was with him until he got too sick to do anything like that anymore.  Good grief if he didn't rub off on me a little bit.  I'm a little bit accident prone. Crazy stuff happens to me too but not that bad.