It is a funny thing the way people talk about their heart breaking from sadness, pain, hurt, etc. I mean your heart is an organ in your body. It isn't some heart shaped model made of plastic, wood, or anything else that can be broken. Fact is your heart in your body can't be broken. Oh, but it certainly feels like it can. That is a weird thing. Every heart-breaking moment or thing I've ever had happen to me has caused this pain in my chest like that organ called the heart really is going through something....it really is breaking even though you know it isn't. It isn't possible.
I remember the very first time I felt like my heart was indeed breaking. Now, I'd had plenty of sadness before but there is a difference between sadness and feeling heartbreak.
But none of that made me feel heartbroken. Sure, it was sad and upsetting but I never felt heartbroken until the very first time I felt the betrayal of lies and secrets kept instead of honesty. That is what does you in. One thing I hate about myself is I always find out every single time beforehand usually when someone has lied or hidden something from me. First time someone told me something about someone that meant everything to me that they hadn't told me. Not ten minutes later here comes that person forgetting to hide the one thing that would give their secret away. I remember sitting on the top step thinking that this is what heartbreak truly feels like and after all the other bad stuff, this is the first time I've felt true heartbreak. I would have been very wise then to learn that once someone reveals their true self to you don't ever think they are anyone but that person. I'm still not sure I've learned that. I'm a glass is half full type person so I believe in others even
when I shouldn't.
Two years and about a month ago I felt what I thought was my worst heartbreak ever. Now I know it wasn't but at the time it very much was. I sat in the backseat of a car going somewhere I really wanted to go but it couldn't wait to get back to "my" bedroom in my friends' house so I could write it down in my journal. I write all the time and am the owner of probably about 50 journals at this point in my life. So I fought back the tears in the dark and waited. When we got back to my friends' house I did say good night and go in "my" room and get my journal and pen. I remember the words I wrote......"No one has ever made me feel as bad as you did tonight." That night I felt that feeling like your heart really is breaking. Who knew that was the beginning of feeling that over and over......getting a little better but then feeling it again. I don't think I'll ever not feel like my heart is breaking when I think of a certain thing I have to live with every day. Time can make a lot of things better but it hasn't changed that in the slightest. If anything, it just feels worse.
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