.....and they're both all mixed up and wrapped around each other......tangled like bed sheets from the dryer or in the morning when you've had one of those nights of sleep or lack of.
I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason even if you NEVER understand the reason and never will. I was just fine and doing everything I needed to do and wanting it and then one thing went wrong. Then you doubt yourself when you already were posing questions.....running away or new beginning? Then it fixes itself but all those feelings of doubt don't leave. They just grow and grow. Suddenly all the pros disappeared and the cons were winning. It drives you down and down. You're remembering your favorite saying......Who knew rock bottom had a basement and the basement has a wine cellar too? I really need a shirt with that on it.
Then it fell through again and that was it. You give up some might say or you change your plans. But obviously it was wrong because then everything falls into place in new and different ways. And that comfort zone I would not get myself out of is gone and here comes the new. So, I think two things about this. I wanted it and I never stopped to ask if it was the right thing for me. It wasn't.....but this new beginning/back to the old is. I did ask the way I used to ask.......if it is right for me then let it happen and if it isn't then keep me from it. It has been a long time since I've asked anything except "Why?".
Now....I know I'm not there right now the way I have been the past six years but it isn't that long until I will be and this time I don't have a damn thing to do but enjoy the decadence and whatever I want to. That leaves me with this week to get through here. You know I want to run away. I can't take the 16th or the 17th. It is up in the air if I do or not. And someone isn't cooperating about anything these days that I want them to. Times like this you wish someone you actually like would see what is needed and just kidnap you and get you away for a couple of days of laughter & talking and then you'd feel better.
The sad thing is that I still don't know how to get the trust back....trust in the world. One thing happens and it isn't a bad thing but your mind runs wild about what it means and your mind only goes in one direction.....straight to it meaning something bad or that it will fall through. I'd like that back please although I doubt I'll ever have it again.
However, the great thing was that right after I found out what I would be doing instead of what I used to do or what I thought I'd be doing next year, I got some great news. My favorite musician ever is releasing a new album and put up all his tour dates. The best thing is that he's playing two nights now for my birthday weekend this year instead of just the one night like last year. I had the best time in LA that weekend last year for my birthday. This year I get two nights in a row of him?!! And I get to spend a few days with my friends that live there too. Makes me laugh because this was me last year.......the Uber driver didn't know where in Topanga Canyon this place was.....lets me out down the road and I had to walk and find it. Not really the place you want to be walking. It wasn't far so not a big deal. It was November and it was warm and sunny. So, I know I wasn't wearing much and I definitely had no jacket, sweatshirt, warm shoes, etc. on. Once the sun goes down it was damn cold. I didn't want to lose my seat so I didn't wan't to get up for food once I did get hungry. So, here I am at midnight....the show is over, I'm still waiting for an Uber driver like everyone else is, freezing the way I've only been freezing in Australia, and starving hungry. Finally, I get back to Burbank and my hotel and thank goodness I had some cheeze its in the room. This year I just don't care how stupid I look exactly but I'm wearing jeans, a pair of my warm and fuzzy UGG boots, and I might start out in a tank but there are some sweaters/sweatshirts/jackets coming with me and I'm getting food before I get a seat!
The other great thing is that my tv show is back on now for Season 3 and it is crazier than ever. I love Tuesday nights because of it!
And my sanctuary is not gone. :)
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