Then people were calling to check on me. Seems my friends are even better than I thought they were already. No one wanted me to spend the night alone and so everyone wanted me to either come stay at their house or they wanted to stay at mine. I say no...I have my cat and all I do is sleep. They're scared for me. I get it. Too much in too short amount of time and they know how I've struggled.
Between the NFE crowd and the Sorority, there was a lot of planning going on. Yesterday I had to rush after work to Olive Garden and place an order for food for today for Lisa's family. Stephanie was wonderful because she was so tired just like me yet she kept me from being alone last night. Carrabba's and seeing the movie I've been waiting for....The Nun. She was so tired that she actually slept through The Nun and I have no idea how. I was my usual....jumping all the time and well, sometimes some not so nice language comes out too. But at least I didn't hit Stephanie in the face....just the arm but she didn't move anyway since she was asleep. Crazy girl. I always make sure nothing is in my hands to throw.
So, at Carrabbas's we got into this conversation about prayer. A friend of hers is in the hospital from a massive heart attack and they don't know if she'll make it. She said how much she's been praying. Listening to people talk about praying for this and that can be one of my biggest pet peeves. Not that Stephanie was annoying me. She gets it. A little over 18 years ago, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't any that could be cured and it also was a type that took out anyone with it quickly. They said maybe two years. He lived for 11 more. Right after his biopsy which they examined immediately, they knew what kind of cancer and they wanted it removed immediately. So a few days later we were at Emory where the Winship Cancer Center is. They took him back and we said bye at the operating doors where you can't go. We went and sat down in the waiting room and it was like all of the emotion I'd been holding in wouldn't stay any longer. I sat there and tears ran down my face for awhile. Not hard crying just a slow and steady stream of tears that I couldn't stop. That night when I finally made it home, I did something that used to be my thing....especially when I was upset about something. Hot bubble bath in the garden tub, candles, and music. I sat there and those tears came slow and steady too but at the same time I was praying for him. Spend your life praying and most of it is praying for things YOU want. I could have prayed for his recovery to be good....the biopsy results of everything they removed to be good, for it to go away, etc. because those are all things I wanted. The I is where you go wrong. That night I really learned how to pray. Put yourself and your wants into it and that isn't the prayer needed for anything. Pray for a person by telling God you know we all come into and leave on the day he wants us to. Pray by telling God you know he has every second of our lives planned and we can't change that. Pray by telling God only that all you want is for his plans and will to be what happens. Pray by giving up all your worries and thoughts, no matter how little, to God. But don't pray by asking for things. Pray to God asking for only what he wants to be done. Then give it all to him. Sometimes you have to wonder why but mostly I've learned not to question and not to get angry at God either even though he can take it.
I personally thought I'd never go back to Lisa's house. So I was glad when Marcia said she'd go with me. So, we got the food and went. Her daughter and her hubby and an uncle and some other family member was there. Tracy was down in the basement and they went to get him after a few minutes. Tracy isn't doing good. I knew he wasn't. He's known Lisa since they were 14 and they were married young. They're the best couple I've ever known. He says he's not staying in the house....going to sell it. He says he can't stay there.
Now I know how and why and days and weeks that led up to this. He told us it all because we're close friends. I'm glad to know why and it actually wasn't what I thought either. I'm glad though but I'm sad that the signs were there and people over-looked them because who would have thought she'd ever do that.
I got my answers this time. Not like Dee where I'll never know although it would be a good assumption that Dee's reason was the same as Lisa's was but a little different circumstances.
So, tomorrow our group is all meeting at Marcia's and carpooling for the visitation. We were invited to the graveside service Monday too since we're her close friends.
In all the craziness, we forgot about flowers but I remembered today and so I ordered flowers from us.
I have no idea how I'm going to make it without Lisa. I didn't realize until now when she isn't here how much she truly did for me. Not in a material sense but just that she was there. She listened and understood because she was in the same place as I was....just circumstances weren't exactly the same.
That carousel of memories is going non stop....Stephanie said the same. So many things that happen you don't remember but then in cases like this they come back. August 3rd we all went to our favorite hangout and I knocked my full glass of wine on Lisa and it doused her good. She was funny making jokes about it but at least it was hot and we were on the patio and it dried fast. Stephanie and I wracked our brains trying to remember what she bought when we went shopping at the beach. She bought that pale yellow shirt that said "Life is Good" and had a picture of something beachy on it. Thursday I was wearing the pants I bought in that store that same time when I found out about her and my dolphin bracelet because we spent the whole time watching the dolphins play in the ocean either on the beach or from our balcony. That's a little weird to me that I choose that to wear that day.
This is heart breaking to us all but I think we all feel the ties of friendship we have getting stronger because of this. Like we got an in your face reminder that what we have is special and we need to do a better job of making time for each other even though we do things all the time. A better job of paying attention to what is going on with the others.
Things aren't the way they should be or how I'd like them to be in my life for sure in some huge ways, however I get it. I'm here, I never stop fighting, I can't control what God has for me, and I need to stop trying too. What comes is what comes but I know I'll be here for it with the best group of friends anyone could ask for and suddenly the ones that fell to the wayside for no reason, the ones that had the stupidest reasons ever, the ones that aren't who I thought they were, and the ones I don't understand and still wish for.....well, they just don't matter the way they did before this.
Not mattering means just that....things I used to hope for or wish from friends who left....I just don't anymore. You had your chance and whatever reason you had.....you don't get it the way I do....the way you should have....the way my true friends do.
True friends are much better than the family that is seriously lacking. That's changing too. What brings us all together is that every single one of us have learned that life lesson already......Lisa knew it too.
RIP Lisa
I love you.
I'll never forget you.
I'll never stop thinking about you.
I'll always remember it all.
First chance we get, you know we'll be at our hangout drinking a Georgia Peach Mule for you, except me but I'll have my wine.
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