My response: You know I can say the same thing about you.
So many people who know exactly what two people who matter did to me tell me all the time.....you have to forgive. I start to say "But...." and they say forgive Cindy, forgive.
Well, it is hard for me to forgive but I've learned how because to forgive is to let it go....let it go and it stops controlling you.
Go to bed last night and can't sleep immediately so I start cleaning out emails when I realized I might have cleaned out all those emails I was sent that I don't ever want to read again. But I did not delete my responses which means what I was responding to was still there.
Some......didn't even open....just deleted because I don't need any reminders of those ever.
Another set from another person....I read a few. I read just enough to get my mind straight again when it comes to this person and some others like them. My mind had forgiven and it had forgotten too.
There is a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. Some things, all things might need forgiving. However, some things should never be forgotten. If you forget then you start with the feelings towards those people again. Specifically to me......I see someone who dealt with some craziness like I have too and they don't know because I never told them. Some of it was the same for us both but I have more than they do concerning totally different situations. They just don't know it.
So, I read those words again last night and all those feelings I had about feeling sorry for this person, emphasizing with this person, and thinking things I wish for but shouldn't, went right out the door.
I forgive you....barely because that's about all I can manage and because I wanted freedom from it and because I think I might have succeeded in making you actually feel worse than you made me feel and what I didn't do, hopena did the rest.
Hopena.....a new hawaiian word I learned this summer. Kind of like what we think of as karma but it really isn't. Hopena means you have the freedom to do what you want, right or wrong, but you will deal with the hopena from it afterwards. It is like the consequences for what you choose. Your right but it is your hopena too and you can't run from it.
Different from karma because some of the worst people I know don't seem to deal with karma at all. I see how the people without the karma get the hopena though.
Cheat on your spouse.....your choice and it is your hopena when they leave you for it. Abandon your family.....your choice but you will deal with the hopena of doing it. That isn't karma. It is a consequence you faced when you made that choice. It is your hopena.....almost like what your life is afterwards and most of it is what stays in your mind about it. Self-hatred, regret.....whatever it is you feel. What is taken away from you. What you wish you had back.
It is so hard to explain. My friend David did a good job of it when he was telling me about hopena on Maui this summer. He asked me if I had ever taken anything back from Hawaii......sand, a rock, or a seashell (if you are lucky enough to ever find one there). He has known many people who actually mail back things they have taken away from an island there because of the hopena and it doesn't matter. You still took it and that is your hopena to deal with. What led us to this conversation is we drove by the repaired rock wall rebuilt with white concrete now which really is out of place compared to the nature-made rock wall that used to be there where the girl drove her twin sister over the edge. I kept up with that story because it was Maui and I knew the exact place she did it. Interesting story too but you can google it if you want the details. The twin driving survived and her twin riding with her died on the scene....immediately upon crashing down below on the rocks leading to the ocean. The twin driving was cleared of murder this summer when the trial finally came to an end (two years later). No evidence proving she planned it or meant to do it. However, it still happened so anything coming to her since it happened is her hopena. Meaning it or not...if you did it.....you still have to live with your hopena even when you try your best to make it right. You still did it.
I'm a dreamer....nothing wrong with that but I don't need to be contemplating and dreaming about someone who said those words I read again last night to me ever, at all. That brick wall between now and then slammed down hard and it isn't budging.
So, my phone rings this morning and it is my friend from last night. We had a conversation about all this. She isn't feeling good mentally right now and it is wearing on her. After those emails read last night, I have new perspective. Where I went wrong was letting a truly bad person masquerading as little Ms. Sweetness make me believe I was bad. I never should have believed that about myself because it was never true but you believe when the one person left who should ALWAYS have your back 100% and love you, didn't because I held a mirror to their face and they didn't like what they saw. Their emails....I did not read. I don't want or need to ever go there again so they are deleted for good. I'll never need a reminder of what that person is or did.
But, sadly the consequence was I became the person they made me out to be. I see it now. I see the past two years and the things I cut out of my life and how the person I've always been just disappeared for most people. Just because I forgive does not mean I will forget because if I forget then I run the risk of going back and putting myself in the same situation as before or worse. The dreamer in me would like to think if a good long talk could happen and I was open instead of holding it inside then maybe something good could come from it. But really, if you disrespected me in actions and words before then why should I ever believe you are a good person who has dealt with the same bad things or similar things I have? I was actually believing that and hoping. I believed in you despite everything you did to make me not. Why? I don't know. Stupid of me. You're living with your hopena as we speak and you have been for two years....the second you decided to be what you became. Thinking back, I think you've always been that way though. Your demons conquered you a long time ago. You let them and you continue to let them. You can't really fault me for believing the worst and dealing with it the way I did. It was a mistake I made and it hurt me emotionally more than it ever could have hurt anyone else. Some parts of it were not mistakes.....sticking up for yourself when you're being treated poorly is never a mistake. However, taking it to the extreme in some situations was wrong of me. I just sped up the outcome really and made it worse than it would have been anyway. I accept it but what is bothersome is that the one making the choices doesn't think they should have any hopena to live with. You can't use what happened to you in the past to excuse any and all behaviors you practice today.
Which is why I feel myself going back to the person I was. She's still there buried under all that hurt and pain....some of it that will never go all the way away. Says right there why I avoided most situations with all people the past two years. Cut people out. Some didn't let me. Some stayed with me and on me and didn't let me disappear. Those are the only ones I want. I don't want to "make it right" with these others. If they were worth anything at all, they never would have acted the way they did and they certainly would have never let me just disappear.
The person I was is the one who drives Lisa anywhere she needs to go, brings her breakfast, and listens to her even though we both usually end up teary eyed...LOL. But then she's the one who brought me everything I needed when I had the flu this spring. She's the one coming with me to work Wednesday. It goes both ways.
The person I was is the one who listened to Michelle tell what her life really was like dealing with her mentally challenged and physically unable to do anything for himself husband now since his accident and tried my best to think of some way I could help her right then and there. I did the only thing I could think of to do and opened my wallet and took out every gift card I had and all the cash and gave it to her. Might not have been much but she was out of work trying to take care of him and two sons with no income coming in. At least it fed them for a few meals. This was less than two months ago. She's listened to me enough the past three years. It goes both ways.
The person I was is the one who gave a newly married couple with one little girl and another one on the way things for their apartment......their first one that they were so excited about. Things I could have sold but gave to them.
The person I was lets Melinda talk to me anytime she needs to about how to deal with how her husband acts now that his dad died. I tell her the best way to deal with him. But look at what she does for me. She is one who supports always. She never walked away and funny thing is I've never stopped being that fun person with her because of it. Both ways.
The person I was cried with JoAnna the day her mom died when I was the one closest to her in proximity. Told her how it was and emphasized with her. She's said she never would have made it without me that day and the days that followed. At the time, we were barely speaking but I did what was natural to me even though I felt like she'd put up this wall between us.
The person I was listens to Stephanie anytime she needs me too because she does the same for me. She's younger than me and I'm further along on the path of living with such a similar situation too. I tell her what I've learned about this. I sit at a rest stop on the way to a girl's weekend to Florida with her dealing with her problem with her husband and then her mom when no one else in her family would even answer the phone. I sat with her while she made that call to the police and did what was probably the hardest thing she's ever had to do. I stayed awake with her past 4 AM once we did get where we were going to make sure everything was okay. I talked to her husband to try to help when he wanted to talk to me. I'd do anything for her because she does the same for me. It goes both ways.
But it isn't the person I was....it is the person I AM. Just not to everyone.
The speaker the other day was right....I can be anyone I want to be starting this week in a new place with new people. I don't want to be a new person though....I just want to be the one I am with everyone again, knowing that sometimes you meet someone who you just can't have in your life in that capacity.
The positive dreamer in me wishes you'd get your life straight. Wishes you'd see your worth. Wishes you could truly move on from your past and I know how hard it is.....same thing that holds you back happened to me....with two different people. Wishes you'd stop treating people the way you do because if you did, you'd have some really good people in your life that would always be there for you. You'd have that thing you say you want and get but you screw it up when you are lucky enough to get it.....every single time.
The dreamer in me was wishing for that one conversation where everything was told, everything was said that needed to be, and I could add you to that list of my people who I'm always there for and who will always be there for me. But I give up on it. I could do it but you can't. I'll say I'm sorry for any part I played in anything bad for you but it won't matter. You don't know what made me do it and you do much more harm to yourself than I ever did or ever could do.
I'm done with "What If"..........even though that caring part of me will still care and hope and wish for the best for you.
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