This is a very weird time for me right now. I thought I had everything together and I had done everything exactly right that I needed to do as of May 30th. I had. I pushed forward and never doubted a thing. I worked so hard to get what I wanted or thought I wanted.
Then this phone call comes on May 30th and the first few words said it all.....you won't believe this, but......
I won't say I panicked because I'm just not that person who isn't always calm no matter what but I went into rebound mode for sure. I went into "what if" so let's be prepared mode. Made some phone calls. Cancelled some things. Got other things rolling on the one thing that was a necessity.
The very next day seems like things are going to work out anyway except that certainty I'd had for months was gone. Saturday went to dinner with most of my best friends and I voiced how I felt about the situation......I just didn't feel anymore that it was going to work out. I felt like it wasn't and it was okay because the continual road blocks thrown in your way mean one thing.....it just isn't meant for you, maybe not ever but not then. Sure enough, Sunday got that call again.....you won't believe this, but.......
That was it for me. I was willing to accept and embrace that it wasn't meant for me right then. Weird thing was that there wasn't a whole lot of sadness or anything. There was relief because I'd come to realize some things that made me realize I wasn't ready.
Just one problem existed really and that one was solved a couple of days later. I'd quit my job that I'd had the past ten years. It is a little bit freaky not to have a job however I knew I had a safety net......plenty of money to live off of without a job. But it didn't really matter. I moped for a couple of days but a lot of that was about losing a friend of mine that same day and just sighing that sigh of relief and knowing I didn't have to keep on doing that stuff on my "To-Do" list. I could quit and just be and so I did. I slept half the day at least and the rest of the day I watched mindless tv that I get obsessed with and then move on from. I didn't talk to anyone. The third day I jumped back in but it was back-tracking and undoing all I'd done as well as moving forward and figuring out what I was going to do now. The very first day, an interview for the job anyone would want fell into my lap. It really is who you know. Then other calls for interviews started coming in because of all the apps I filled out online. But I felt it.....just like always. That one I wanted....I'd get it. I did...got the offer at the end of the interview. But it is for something that definitely puts me out of my comfort zone.....something I've never done before. It was so easy but then it is easy when it is right for you.
It is exactly how it should be. I start my training this upcoming Tuesday and then after that, I start the job. You could question why what I thought I really wanted didn't work out and put me in the position I was in of being without a job. But I already know why. For the last almost three years, I'd stayed in that job I was in that I had been happy in. I wasn't happy anymore in it and I didn't realize it the first year because let's face it, my life was one big huge mess that revolved around one person and one thing. I spent the first half of the year dealing with it day by day. The second half of the year I spent dealing with the ending of the situation which really started a new beginning of a different situation. I wasn't focused on how I felt about anything related to work. Survival mode. I just wanted something good which brought along some bad choices in search of that something good.
Started the second year and I had optimism. It would be good. Well, it wasn't. I'll admit it. I didn't have the patience for dealing with anyone's bs at all but I didn't want to fight with anyone and "win" either. I didn't have the energy for it. So, I ignored and let it go and I just did my own thing. Stop trying for things to be the way they used to be. Went along with things I normally wouldn't have for the sake of having peace somewhere.
Year three....made a big change when given the opportunity and unfortunately, that didn't work out either. So, pushed forward for the biggest change ever. We know how that ended up.
However, you look at those three years and two things are certain:
1. Nothing was stable and the way it had been before those three years. If anything, it just got more unstable and worse as time went by.
2. I was staying in the situation because it was the ONLY thing that was the same in my life anymore. It was the only thing I could control.
Now, here we are. I tried for something I thought I wanted and did want to a certain extent, just maybe not right now. It didn't work out.
But I know why all of this was supposed to happen. I was NEVER going to be happy staying in the situation that was the only thing I still had that was the same that I could control. Never. So, this situation didn't end up the way it was supposed to and I still can't believe this huge change but I know without a doubt that this was the purpose of it all.....getting me out of a bad situation I wouldn't leave and into one that I'm sure will be a challenge (especially at first) but already makes me happier.
So, there you go. Don't forget who is in control. Don't try to do what you want without asking if it is right for you in all ways.
I'm not going back to that purple and black journal with a skull on it that symbolized how life was. I'm done with it. I'm sticking to the new pretty one I had to buy on Maui because I couldn't not write anymore. Then after it, there are about 7 more empty ones waiting....ones I bought and ones others have bought me. Not a single one of them has a skull or is purple and black.
That's progress.
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