All the memories......the good ones and the bad ones. Maybe one day the good ones won't be as painful as the bad ones and I'll be able to enjoy them the way I did my whole life.....until it changed. But right now the good ones might be even more painful than the bad ones. Maybe it is because I don't get to add to them anymore or because now they seem like some cruel lie I believed my life was about.
So, I talked myself out of leaving.....making excuses really. But then three people that could and did give me good advice about why I was doing that and why I was leaving gave me a good talking to. They didn't just say the cliche things everyone else was saying like you know you can do it, etc. Then it was back on. I accept that I have to make sacrifices. I can't take everything I do like about my life here (which is very little and mostly material) with me. I have to accept a new life that might not have the things I take for granted here, however the benefits of it are probably going to outweigh the things I give up. I don't see how they wouldn't. Doesn't mean I'm still not worried about that very important thing.....a job. Ultimately, I know God is in control and will lead me to what I need there.
So, I made that first step yesterday. I also planned the whole thing out in a notebook to help me make sure I take care of everything. One problem is my energy is zapped and I don't even know why. Emotions? Winter? Health? Medicines? Who knows. I don't know what happened to it. It was there. But it is keeping me from doing what I need to do. I've got to push through anyway.
Back to those memories.....
I won't miss the people I run into here that I never ever want to see.
I won't miss the possibility of running into someone I never want to see again.
I won't miss driving by places that have memories I'd rather not remember.
I won't miss being slammed in the face by some memory that comes up just because I'm in a place that holds memories that were good.
I won't miss the feeling that my whole life was a lie because I think about the memories that were good and I realize they have been soured now just because of the way the people in them turned out to be.
I won't miss the feeling of not understanding why things have turned out the way they have.
And I pray that none of those feelings go with me......that this truly is a new start for me. I can be a new person without all that baggage.
And I don't want these people I'm leaving behind to know where I am or even be able to get in touch with me again.
And if that isn't far enough away then there are other places further away but I think I'm going exactly where I need to be. Things will work out. Even if I don't fill my life up with new people not like the old ones I still can be there....my spiritual place I'm supposed to be in that makes me happy. That place where being alone is okay. But I already have friends there waiting for me to get moved that want me to buy the condo across the parking lot from them. :)
Ahhhhh, the unknown. The wonderment of not knowing what my life will be like in six months or a year.
Mad Is Just Sad's Bodyguard
It bears talking about that once again someone I concentrated and focused on got his karma. Took almost two years but he got it. Shouldn't have done the things he did or treated me the way he did. Yet, I still wish things had been different....that he could have seen the real me that I just don't show to those I don't trust. When you keep letting someone down and doing things that are hurtful to them, you will never truly get in to their inner self where they trust you completely. I wish he could have seen the truth or treated me the way I need to be treated to be able to share it all. That's just me.....most just take that chance anyway despite how someone has treated them. Most of all I wish he could see that the anger was just a coverup for the sadness. The anger is awful and I hate it but can't really help it. It is like something just snaps and the anger is truly a defense mechanism. If you are mad then you can't be sad right then......it is there though.
Now I have hope that the others I'm focusing on will get their's. You just have to be patient. It comes.......
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