As I approach an anniversary next Monday that I'd rather not make it to......the year anniversary of the death of my mother.........a lot of things have been going through my mind the past couple of weeks. Especially this week. You think the worst is that day....the day they die. I knew after going through the death of my dad that it takes two years to even get a little bit better at all towards getting back to normal. Even though you never truly get there......you've changed. Your normal isn't what it used to be.
I was in for a shocking year full of things I never in a million years would ever have thought would have happened to me. Things became overwhelming. They still are. I'm not writing this from that place of goodness and happiness....that place where I can say I'm over the things that have happened this year. Two days ago I woke from a bad dream about this crying. I'd been crying in my sleep. I still have insomnia and my personal favorite....since Thanksgiving my stomach has stayed upset. I'm not sick. My body just deals with this by wanting to throw up. It was the same with my dad.
The thing is this year has made me see the "true" side of a lot of people I thought were good people. People who had my back. Well, they didn't. Some people expect you to get over the death of a parent immediately. Some people think they can take advantage of you, use you, verbally abuse you, forget about you, etc. After much thought, I think it could be two things.....they either were always a jerk or they think they can kick you when you are weak and you will take it because you're not in a good place and you'll take any scrap of attention even if it is bad. NOT TRUE! Whichever one it is, I haven't taken that. I cleaned house with the people in my life.
I'm good at slamming those doors and putting it in the past. It might take me a month or so to fully get over doing it but I do it. The thing I've been wondering about this week comes from a book/movie that used to be one of my favorites-Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Carmen has a meltdown with her Dad's future new wife and disappears for awhile. She comes home only to find his "new" family sitting laughing and eating dinner. The whole time she thought they'd be out looking for her.....trying to find her but they weren't. I think it was the cab driver that took her to the airport to fly back to her mom that said to her, "What made them let you go?". He didn't mean it the way she took it but it is true. I left. I gave them warning first. Sometimes I let them even try only to be disappointed. So, I left. The thing is out of all the people I've had to clean house with this year only one of them wouldn't let me do it. They kept on until we worked it out. So, I'm asking the same question? What made them let ME go? A million dollar question I'll probably never know the answer with when it comes to some. Some I can see how they were never very good people. Some, I'll never know.
So, this results in being happy with the true people who are my friends. Forget those others and they needn't think they're coming back later on down the road. I see two or three results of this. 1. I was lonelier at first....less friends at a time when you need your friends. I'm found ways to deal with that. 2. You kind of shut yourself down. The only ones you care about at all are the ones you can count on. 3. The anger from this whole situation (things you don't know) is raging well and it is too easy to take it out on strangers or acquaintances who do wrong.
Let's go to #2 for awhile. Shutting yourself down. Funny how acquaintances that used to be better friends don't even really notice. But the phenomenon has been the people you are in contact with because of work or whatever or even strangers you've never even met before. It is like they see something in you. Like they know you want to be left alone but they're determined to mess with you for whatever reason. I've even heard well you're callous or didn't seem to care when you should or they just make shit up about you when really, the ONLY thing going on that you were doing is closing into yourself/shutting down/keeping to yourself. Yes, that means a whole lot of things I used to care about mean nothing to me anymore. Nothing. You mean nothing....you are someone I have to interact with because we work together or you're a stranger and we are in the same place at the same time. So, another million dollar question. What about keeping to yourself makes these people attack you or try to engage with you in a negative way? Why can't they just leave me alone? So what if I don't want to bend over backwards and put myself out there anymore and be that too nice person I used to be?? So what! Never ever have I had people act like this before. You don't like it because of who I am and that I keep to myself....so what! That's my right to be however I want to be....I'm doing anything to bother you but you can't say the same. So the past few months have brought on three such encounters. First one....oh, I'm out for that b**** in a secretive, quiet way. I am a Scorpio...master manipulator when I want to be. I barely have to try but I can put you in your place when little or no effort because that one will do herself in. Second one.....she didn't do anything but believe the real person behind the problem's lies to start drama. Just had to explain to her what was going on with me and if I want to be private and keep to myself, then it has nothing to do with her. It didn't. Third one.....forget you. Hakuna matata to you....the true meaning of that not the sweet one from the Lion King movie. For whatever reason and despite the good relationship I thought we had built.,,,,you know the one.....where I trusted and believed in the person you said you were mistakenly and I really was the truthful, honest, kind, and caring person I really am. But you.....you decided I wasn't those things for whatever crazy reason you had, blamed me for something I wasn't even doing that you could see I wasn't doing, and made up your mind that I was really a lying bad person not respecting you. Where you got that...I don't know. Hakuna matata over and over to you! You did yourself in with me. You get nothing from me anymore....not even a hello. I just pray that you never decide to say anything to me because my self control isn't that great right now. The last thing I need is to lose that famous temper I have. So, back to keeping to myself and just hoping no one else has a problem with that and decides to start crazy drama with me.
On to #3....probably my favorite. You have no idea how much anger I'm holding in when I have to and letting out in constructive ways....trying to. But then there is that stranger who you don't know and will never see again who is a complete a****** to you when they don't even know you. I feel the most sorry for you because I don't have to bite my tongue and not say what I want to say to you. People I've told this story to find it amusing. Got into with a lady in the Kroger parking lot because I was walking to the store and she was driving her white trash van behind me and I walked into the parking space she wanted to park in to get out of her way even though there was one right next to it and five others in close proximity she could have parked in so she honked at me. It was like something snapped. I went and waited for her to get out of that white trash van dressed in her ratty clothes with her haircut that went out in the 70's and her 300+ pound body. The result.....she was scared. She couldn't get away fast enough although she did say I walked too slow. LOL But she still heard me call her a scared, white trash, fat ass, rude bitch too lazy to park in the space right next to where she did. I made sure of that. Felt good but that is what I'm scared of happening in situations like #1 and #2. It was okay in #3.....she was a stranger and she was a jerk bitch. #1....they are a jerk and it will be easy to prove it.....two situations have already presented themselves to showcase their true colors. Situation #2...they are a jerk too but I have to suck it up, not say anything, and I can just ignore them as long as they let me be and don't say anything to me.
And, so it goes on. Who knows what comes next. Only good I hope.
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